Strong Enough (26 page)

My life has been hell for the past six
years. Living with my dark side, and what happened because of what
they did to me. I lost everyone! EVERYONE…and I don’t know why.
Everyone that meant something to me left me. Adam… I loved him, I
needed him, and he just… I have tried to protect myself for the
last six years, to not let anyone get close enough to do any damage
to my already weak spirit and heart. Only let them see a Reece that
I want them to see. To make sure no one knew about my dark side, so
they could never use it to leave me again. I DON’T get close to
people Zane. I DON’T let people in and I LET YOU… I let you near
me. I let myself feel for you. I let myself LOVE YOU, and it was
all a facade. You were hiding it all from me! I don’t even know
what was real, or if any of it was.”

The tears flow freely and my shoulders slump
and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear.

He advances to comfort me and my arms fly
out stopping him as I back away. He drops his hands to his sides
and looks toward the sky.

“You don’t seem to understand Reece. You
don’t seem to grasp the concept that life doesn’t revolve around
your past. Who and what you are today does not have to be who you
were or what happened to you six years ago. You have taken yourself
away and left a shell. You let everyone and everything else control
your emotions and when they get to that boiling point you explode.
I know that’s not you, I know the girl that is inside that shell.
I’ve felt her passion, her energy, her need. I’ve seen her
compassion, her love, her fire and her spunk.”

He rests his hands gently on my defeated and
slumped shoulders, and I let him. He slowly turns me to square up.
With a smooth almost floating effort he lifts my chin to look into
his deep brown eyes.

I think my knees just
wobbled, did I just wobble?

“Don’t cheat your future because of your
past. We all have shadows that lurk in the dark, but at some point
you need to flip the light on and make them go away. Let me be the
one to turn your light on.”

Yep…Knees definitely
wobbled that time

“What do you want from me Zane? I don’t know
how to trust you, believe you. Do I want to? YES, but I don’t know
how. Do I want to love you, to be who you want? Yes, I do, but I
don’t know how to love you and I don’t think it’s fair to you to
get involved with someone so fucked up. You need someone who knows
how to be open, to let the walls down. Who knows how to love you
like you need to be loved. Someone who doesn’t resort to her past
when life scares her. Someone who doesn’t pull all emotion inward.
I want to be that person for you Zane, I do. But you lied to me.
You deceived me. Tell me how do I get past the fact that you are
the man I have been looking for the last six years, dreaming about,
wondering about? How do I get past the fact that you have been here
the whole time and couldn’t, no, let me rephrase that, didn’t tell
me who you were? Were you just hoping I would never find out?”

“Reece I didn’t know how to.” His emotion
can be heard in his voice.

“Oh I don’t know Zane, how about something
like, ‘Reece, it was me that saved you that night. It was me that
held you close. It was me that comforted you, it was me that gave
you hope.’ FUCK Zane ANYTHING… you could have said anything. Do you
know what the last six years have done to me wondering about you?
My thoughts were consumed by you. My dreams were about you. And
this whole time, you were right here.” My head hung low and tears
drop from my eyes to the concrete below.

“I am so sorry Reece. I thought I was
protecting you. I want you to love me for me, for who I am, not for
what I did for you. I have loved you since that night Reece. I have
loved you from the minute your hand wrapped around my neck and you
connected yourself to me. I have loved, wanted and needed you since
then. Do you know what my life has been like? I woke up every day
with you on my mind. When I saw you for the first time after all
those years, I didn’t have to question who you were. I knew the
minute I saw you. I found you, and I didn’t want to let you go. I
became protective.” His grip on my shoulders was firm as he holds
me up to look into his sorrow filled eyes.

“I love you Reece Miller.”

The door to the club opens and Brent steps
out. His expression is full of questions.

“Um Reece, Jon said you will be on in 5, are
you okay?” He questions as he steps completely out of the door a
bit protective.

Wiping away the tears from my face before I
turn to face him. “Yes, I’m fine. I’ll be right there.” Offering a
smile of reassurance. He nods cautiously before reaching to open
the door again.

I look up at Zane. I know he means what he
said. I know he loves me.

“I need to go,” is all I say. He searches my
face for answers for which I am not giving. I have none to
give.

His face leans into mine and his lips land
softly on mine. The connection shows the emotion between the two of
us. His love, I can feel it. Time seems to stand still as our lips
can’t say goodbye. I reach up placing my hand on the side of his
neck and my thumb comes to rest on his pulse. His breath hitches
and the instant connection is there. My lifeline.

Pulling back I look him in the eyes, tear
filled and sad, I love this man.

“I need to go,” I say one last time pulling
away from him completely. My connection to him breaks as I turn to
enter the club.

Inside the stage is set with a single stool,
microphone stand and my guitar to the side. I stand at the doorway
taking it all in. I am still trying to understand how I have gotten
to this point. School will be starting back up soon. Brent has
become my best friend. I found someone who just being around puts a
smile on my face and because of him I am about to step on a stage
and do something I haven’t done since my dad died all because he
believes in me. But more than anything, I found the man I have
thought about and loved since that fate filled day, the man I owe
my life to.

“You ready Beautiful,” Jon says, sliding his
arm around my waist and pulling me into him placing a kiss on my
forehead.

Looking into his handsome face, his eyes are
soft and sincere looking down at me. “Yep, it’s now or never,” he
says and with that he is leading me to the stage.

Standing at the base of the steps to the
stage I take a deep breath and look over at Brent who gives me a
thumbs up. I am scanning the crowd until I see him, seated at the
bar, last stool closest to the door. I can see the vodka water
resting on a napkin in front of him. He catches my eye and smiles
sweetly. I look away and turn to focus on Jon. “Ok Beautiful,
you’re up, take a deep breathe. You can do this.” His words full of
belief.

“Here goes nothing.” My smile full of
fear.

My first step up creaks loudly and I pause
before I take the next one. On stage, the old wood floor shifts and
creaks with each step, I take to my stool.

As I take a seat on the stool, the heat from
the spotlight causes a bead of sweat to form at the small of my
back. Reaching over I pick up my guitar and slide the strap over my
head and adjust it on my shoulder. I adjust the microphone to be
closer to my mouth and take one final deep breath.

The light shining on me makes it difficult
to see anyone in the crowd, but I already know there is a packed
house.

“Hi y’all I’m Reece Miller. I haven’t been
on stage in quite a while but someone told me it was my calling and
I needed to get back to it. So well, here I am. One thing I have
learned is that sometimes life isn’t exactly what we want, and we
have to accept things for what they are at the moment, but it
doesn’t mean that it will always be that way. I heard this song,
This is Not the End by Liz Longley and well I guess this is my
answer to the future.”

Leaning away from the microphone I check my
guitar to make sure it’s in tune. I straighten back up and place my
hands on the fret board and begin to strum. The beat is a rhythmic
up down up down stroke. I let my mind go and feel the music as I
continue to play and my eyes drift shut. Feeling the emotion of the
last few months of fear, hope, and love, I let it all flow through
the music as I sing.

This is the hardest part.

After we have come so far.

Which turn to take.

How do we make it through?

Looks like we’re holding on.

To something already gone.

You got to believe, you got to believe.

I won’t let this go.

You know I’ll keep you close

It might feel like it’s over but this is not the
end.

Could be a start of something

Call it a new beginning.

Don’t be afraid that’s just the way it goes

As the words leave my lips my eyes flutter open and
his gaze captures my attention. My chest tightens and I focus on
not allowing my words to fill with emotion as I sing. I can see he
understands, as I continue to sing directly to him.

And I’ve got you here with me.

That’s where you will always be.

Where ever I am where ever I am

I won’t let this go

You know I’ll keep you close

It might feel like it’s over

But this is not the end

This is not the end.

I’ll never say goodbye

Those words just don’t feel right….

I’m watching Zane as I am finishing the song. He
moves toward the door with one hand resting on the handle. His head
hung slightly, he turns his face towards me as I finish.

I won’t let this go, you know I’ll keep you
close

It might feel like it’s over, but this is not the
end.

I can’t say goodbye, those words don’t feel
right

It might feel like it’s over, but this is not the
end

This is not the end, this is not the end.

He leans on the door and the moonlight pushes into
the club. As he steps into the doorway, he pauses for a minute. I
want him to stop and turn around. I want him to fight for me. I
want him to do so much, but at the same time I don’t know what I
can offer him. He is pausing longer than I expected and a twinge of
hope sparks in me, but fades quickly when he doesn’t turn around
but instead walks through the door, and I watch it close behind him
along with a part of my heart.