Strange Animals (8 page)

James couldn't help smiling a little bit. As he lay there in the back of an ambulance on his way to the Des Moines County Hospital, he silently spoke to God. He told God that he had learned something about himself at the protest. He understood that sacrifices would be required of him, and he had learned that
he was ready for more. He could handle a larger burden. All God had to do was ask him to shoulder it, and he would.

James asked Pastor Preston if he had a Bible with him. Pastor Preston said, “Of course I do, son. Would you like me to read something from it?”

James requested Peter 4:12. Pastor Preston opened the Bible and read: “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.”

James thanked Pastor Preston, and then the Pastor said, “No, son, thank you.”

Karen still had
no straight answer from Paul. Every night, when he came home from work, he would tell her that he was still thinking about it. She felt that this was a good sign, that he hadn't passed a negative judgment outright. Every day that he claimed to still be thinking about the situation, Karen thought, could be bringing him one day closer to accepting her decision and agreeing to go on the journey with her. With or without his support, she knew there were practical steps she needed to take in the service of her plan. As she got into the elevator at the Robertson Medical Plaza, she didn't know which of those steps she was more nervous about: her first ob-gyn visit or the conversation she had to have with her supervisor.

Karen had been going to the same ob-gyn since she was in her late teens. Her name was Niral Prasad. From time to time, on prior visits, she would think about how strange it was that this
woman, who had started out as a stranger to her, had seen her vagina more times than some of the men she had dated. Despite this fact, Karen didn't feel like she really knew her ob-gyn on a personal level, and she didn't think divulging her plan to her was a good idea.

Karen waited in an examination room and looked through her texts. There was none from Paul. In the few days after she told him about her plan, he had become less communicative. She assumed he needed some space to figure things out for himself and decided not to bother him about it. She did have a text from Tanya that read, “Have you heard from Paul yet? Also, Mexican food tonight?” Karen replied, “No. Yes,” and then her doctor walked into the room.

Dr. Prasad said, “So, I understand you're pregnant. Congratulations. This is a very exciting time.”

There was one God. That God existed in everything: in the earth, in the air, in animals, and in people. It was up to every human being to honor that God by following a few very simple rules for living. Among them were being honest, treating other living beings with compassion and mercy, having patience in all situations, and being as generous as possible. Every living thing was imbued with a soul, and that soul kept recycling after the death of the vessel in which it was housed until it had achieved enlightenment through experience. Science and technology were wonderful human creations that helped people do everything from the mundane to the miraculous. Having a child was something to be honored and celebrated because it meant that another soul was beginning its next journey in its own unique evolution of spirit. These were things that Dr. Niral Prasad understood to be true.

Dr. Prasad said, “So how far along do you think you are?”

“I'm not exactly sure, but I think somewhere around fourteen weeks or so.”

“Fourteen weeks? That's pretty late to be having your first visit to me.”

“Well, I wasn't sure until about ten weeks in, I guess, and then I—” Karen was on the verge of telling Dr. Prasad that she'd thought she was going to have an abortion, but she caught herself. She continued, “I just wanted to make sure that I actually was pregnant, you know, and that I was going to stay that way.”

Dr. Prasad said, “It's very common to feel that way. Many pregnancies do terminate in the first trimester, which is why it's recommended that you don't announce anything to family and friends until you pass the twelve- or thirteen-week mark, which it seems like you have. But all that said, you should definitely be coming in at least every four weeks from here on out. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Now, we need to do a few things here today, since it's your first pregnancy visit. I'm going to need some urine, some blood, and we're going to do a trans-vaginal sonogram. If you really are fourteen weeks, you're going to be able to actually see your baby. We won't be able to see the sex for another four weeks or so, but—”

“Uh, I actually kind of just want to make sure everything's okay health-wise with the baby and with me. I don't really want to see it.”

“Oh. All right. That's a little . . . Would you mind me asking why?”

Karen knew that the real reason was because she needed to maintain an emotional distance from the situation, and that seeing the baby growing in her, seeing the child that was equal parts her and Paul, would make that more difficult than it needed to be. She said, “I'm just kind of superstitious about it, I guess.”

“Oh, well, you know there's no reason to be, but obviously you don't have to see the baby if you don't want to. I can just take a look to make sure everything's as it should be. So which do you want to do first? Blood, urine, or sonogram?”

Karen gave blood, urinated in a cup, and then made her
way back to the examination room, where she disrobed, put on a medical gown, laid down on the examination table, and let Dr. Prasad place her feet into stirrups. Dr. Prasad had examined her vagina many times throughout her life, using various instruments and on some occasions, with nothing more than her fingers. The device Dr. Prasad produced for this examination was unlike anything Karen had seen before. It was long and phallic and had an appearance that struck her as far more sexual than clinical. Dr. Prasad put a condom on the device as well as some lubricant, making it even more sexual, and then inserted it into Karen's vagina. Karen could feel it pushing against the back wall of her vagina, which caused a slight amount of discomfort. Dr. Prasad said, “How are you doing?”

Karen said, “Fine,” and turned her head away from the screen where Dr. Prasad was looking at the image created by the ultrasound wand.

Dr. Prasad said, “Do you want me to tell you what I'm seeing, or is that also something you don't want to know?”

Karen said, “Uh . . . I guess just tell me if anything's out of the ordinary—you know, if there's something I should worry about.”

Dr. Prasad said, “Okay.”

After almost a minute, Dr. Prasad removed the ultrasound wand and said, “Everything looks fine. You can get dressed and meet me in my office at the end of the hall to discuss your next steps,” and then left the examination room.

Karen got up, put on her clothes, and looked at the screen that just a few seconds before had displayed an image of her unborn child. She tried to stop herself from thinking about what it looked like, but she couldn't help it. She wondered.

Back in her office, Dr. Prasad told Karen that everything was fine. The baby was perfectly healthy, and her initial estimate of fourteen weeks was pretty accurate. Dr. Prasad said, “We'll have your blood and urine work back in a few days, but I'm going to prescribe you some special prenatal vitamins anyway. Since you
came in a little later than we like to see most moms, I think it's best to just get your iron up to where it should be as soon as we can. Have you noticed anything strange or painful that you think I should know about?”

“I'm getting cramps. I'm constantly tired. The morning sickness has started to wear off, but some things still make me a little sick to my stomach. My hair is falling out a little. I have a weird discharge in my underwear some mornings, and my back hurts almost constantly.”

Dr. Prasad laughed, “I'm sorry to say, that's all one hundred percent normal and there's more to come. Eventually you'll have more of that discharge. Moles on your body might start getting bigger. That nausea will eventually turn into ravenous hunger. Actually, that should start happening very soon, so you have to be careful to eat healthy. Gestational diabetes is sometimes a concern if you eat too much sugar or fatty foods.”

Karen said, “Okay, so pregnancy is even worse than I thought.”

Dr. Prasad said, “I don't mean to make it sound like a nightmare, but the truth is, it's tough on your body. There are ways to make it more bearable, but it's going to be something of an ordeal. I like to be honest about that. But in the end it's always worth it.”

Karen said, “We'll see.”

Dr. Prasad said, “Obviously, if you have any questions, feel free to call or make an appointment anytime before your next scheduled appointment, which we should set for another four weeks from now.”

On her way
from Dr. Prasad's office back to UCLA, Karen reminded herself that it wasn't too late to get an abortion. It wasn't too late to end all this. She wouldn't have to go to any more ob-gyn appointments. Her body wouldn't have to undergo any more changes. Paul wouldn't be forced to make whatever decision he
would ultimately make. Everything could go back to normal, to the way it was before she decided to do this. That was her last thought as she pulled into a parking spot in the same garage where she always parked at UCLA. As she walked across campus toward Professor Noone's office, she saw a booth set up near the student union with a sign that read, “Sign a Petition to Support Intelligent Design Being Taught in Public Schools,” and she knew she had to go through with her plan.

Once she was in Professor Noone's office, he said, “So, I'm assuming you're not here to ask for another extension, Ms. Holloway.”

She said, “No, no more extensions. I have an idea, and I think it's really, really good.”

“And do you think
I'm
going to think it's really, really good?”

“I don't see how you can't.”

“Well, that's about the most confident lead-in to a dissertation presentation I've ever heard. I'm all ears.”

Karen opened her laptop, brought up the web page she had made, and turned the screen around so Professor Noone could read what she had written. She watched his face to see if she could gauge his reaction as he was reading it, but he gave no indication. Instead, he finished reading the page, closed Karen's laptop, and pushed it back across his desk toward her.

She said, “So . . . what do you think?”

“Karen, this is really a fantastic idea.”

“You think so.”

“It's phenomenal. All that time you took to think of this was worth it. At its core I think it presents an incredible philosophical quandary, and I think you can turn it into a fantastic dissertation. I've always personally been extremely interested in the problems with religious doctrine, when adhering to it means potentially ignoring or even defying certain principles of the same religion. So I gather you're using this hypothetical situation to speculate on what American society might do if something like this were real?”

“Well, I'm definitely writing about how America would react to this, but the situation isn't quite hypothetical.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know this girl?”

“It's me.”

“You're pregnant? Right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my god. Karen, I don't know about this. Is that already on the Internet?”

“No. Not yet.”

“I appreciate that you've waited until you talked to me about it.”

“Well, it wasn't just you. I told my boyfriend about it, too. I understand that this will affect more than just me.”

“It's none of my business, really, but is he the father?”

“Yeah.”

“And what did he say about it?”

“He's still thinking about it. Look, Professor, I think this is important. This is what we were talking about—doing something that actually makes people think differently instead of just writing some ridiculous paper that no one reads.”

Professor Noone took a deep breath and said, “Well, this certainly would be more than a ridiculous paper that no one reads. As I said, I think the idea is brilliant. I've spent most of my adult life in philosophy, teaching, studying, thinking, and I've never seen something like this come across my desk. It's very daring, it's interesting, it's thought-provoking—and I'm just as curious as you must be about the public reaction. But I just can't sign off on this in good faith.”

“What? Why not?”

“You're proposing to hold the life of a child in the balance for the purpose of what is essentially an experiment. As a representative of the Philosophy Department, I obviously can't support it.”

“Because you're afraid you'll lose your job?”

“My job has nothing to do with this, but that could certainly be at least one of the repercussions should you actually go through with this. I imagine you'd be expelled as well.”

“You'd expel me for this?”

“I wouldn't, but the dean might. This could become the kind of issue that's too big for me to stay in front of. Even if you manage to conceal your identity through the entire event, which I personally think is unlikely, your dissertation will be read by everyone on the PhD panel—and then you'd be on your own. I couldn't do anything to protect you. And if you were expelled, you obviously wouldn't finish the PhD program, making the entire endeavor fruitless for you.”

“Fruitless? If I do something that forces people to look at how hypocritical Christians are and it actually changes things, then how is that fruitless—even if I don't get my PhD from this school?”

“Karen, you can write about this as an abstract idea, and it would still have an impact here and, I think, in the academic community at large. The idea is so strong, I don't see why you actually need to do it.”

“Because real people don't care about ideas.”

Professor Noone sighed, and said, “Look, I obviously can't stop you from doing this, but I am going to strongly encourage you to write about it hypothetically and save yourself from, at the very least, potentially destroying your career in academic philosophy before it even begins. You're extremely bright, Karen. I'm trying to help you, because I think you could be sitting in my chair one day, or any other chair at any other school for that matter.”

“Maybe I'm not sure I want to be sitting in a chair, Professor.”

Karen left Professor Noone's office without a doubt in her mind that she had to go through with her plan. She had always despised the falseness of the academic world, but now when she
was faced with the choice between yielding to it or cutting herself off from that world entirely, the choice became much clearer. She knew she was on the verge of something immense. She knew that Professor Noone was right: She could very easily write the theoretical version of this for her dissertation, get her PhD and slowly make her way through the academic world until she was a tenured professor at a college somewhere, maybe even a great college. But she also knew that eventually she'd be sitting across from a student who would have a proposal for a dissertation that was threatening in some way to the falseness of it all. And she knew she'd think back to the time when she had the chance to do something great, something groundbreaking, but she didn't. She knew she'd always wonder what her life would have become if she'd taken the chance. She didn't want to wonder. She wanted to know.