Strange Animals (12 page)

He eventually felt his eyelids getting heavy, but he fought off sleep. Sleep, like food and water, was just one more of the basic human necessities James had vowed to give up during these days to prove to God that he was ready to hear him. He was tempted to lie down on his couch, but he knew that temptation was likely the Devil's work. Most Christians made the false assumption that the Devil worked on a large scale, that he was responsible for only the largest-scale sins, like the terrorist attacks on September 11 or shootings at schools, but James knew better. He knew that Satan was certainly responsible for the worst atrocities in human history, but he also knew that the Devil's most heinous work was
done on the small scale. It was the little temptations to which people were more likely to give in that eventually accumulated and corrupted a person's soul until they no longer had a relationship with God. And the worst part of that satanic strategy was that the temptations were so small that most people didn't even notice them until it was too late.

It could be anything from tempting a person to cheat on a diet until they woke up one day obese to tempting a person to cheat on their spouse until they woke up one day and were HIV positive. In this case, James knew that Satan was tempting him to recline on the couch, then he'd tempt him to close his eyes, and then he'd wake up the next morning having missed his opportunity to hear God's voice. He rebuked Satan's attempt by going into his bathroom and splashing cold water on his face. James remembered staying awake through the night a few times at different church camps in his youth, but he hadn't done it as an adult. It was more difficult than he remembered, especially with no other outside stimulation to hold his attention. But he knew that the promise of God's voice was all the stimulation he needed. He didn't want to disappoint God, so he did some jumping jacks to get his blood pumping, and then returned to his living room and took his seat on the couch again.

Listening closely to the world around him, James created small games to keep himself awake. He'd count the number of passing cars in multiples of seven. He'd trace the indentations on the top of his mouth with the tip of his tongue and try to count how many distinct shapes there were. He'd stare at the wood grain in his coffee table and try to determine how many individual trees were used to make it, by the placement and direction of the rings he could make out.

Eventually the sky outside began to lighten. The first night was nearing its end. James went to his window and looked out at his apartment complex's parking lot. His eyes were tired, and he had some doubts about his ability to stay awake for another
forty-eight hours, but he cast them out of his mind as he saw the sun peeking above the tree line in the distance. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen an actual sunrise, and it was clear to James that this was God's way of recognizing his efforts, of letting James know that he was doing the right thing.

James closed his eyes and let the sun hit his face as it rose in the early morning. He felt its warmth, and he knew that this was the embrace of God. It seemed unlikely to James that anyone else was up at that hour, enjoying this sunrise as he was, and so it stood to reason that this specific sunrise was designed by God just for him. It was the handshake before the conversation to come.

As the morning of the second day wore on, hunger, thirst, and fatigue tested James at new levels. He knew he had peanut butter, jelly, and bread in his apartment. It would be very simple to prepare himself a sandwich and a glass of water. But he fought off the urge. He couldn't let Satan win.

By noon of the second day, if James stared at one spot on the wall long enough, he was able to see small white spots at the edges of his field of vision. He knew this was induced by the lack of food, water, and sleep, but he took some pride in it. He kept reminding himself that plenty of others, Jesus included, had suffered far worse in the service of God. He could do this. He would do this.

Early on Saturday afternoon, James's next-door neighbor returned to his apartment, leaving James to wonder where he might have gone for that long, where he might have slept. Within a few minutes James could hear his neighbor's television, and this time he could make out every word of what was being said. It was some kind of news program and they were discussing the website that Pastor Preston had mentioned in his sermon the prior Sunday. James hadn't given it much thought since that sermon. He decided that his strategy would be to ignore it totally. This was, he estimated, the best strategy against a satanic attempt to foul
the world. But he welcomed the chance to have something to occupy his mind other than forcing himself to stay awake, and he reasoned that God wouldn't have made the volume loud enough for him to hear if he wasn't meant to listen.

The news anchor was reporting that the identity of the girl who made the site had been discovered. Her name was Karen Holloway, and she was a PhD student in UCLA's Department of Philosophy. She had yet to give an interview about the matter, but the news anchor promised that they would have an exclusive one-hour conversation with her the following night, Sunday. The anchor went on to report that this girl was being both condemned for her actions by religious communities worldwide and idolized as a hero of feminism and secularism by smaller groups of people. James found it difficult to understand how anyone could view what she was doing as heroic. Even beyond the religious aspects of his objection, James thought that all people should have a basic human level of disgust for what she was doing, based on the involvement of an unborn child. At some point the anchor moved on to another story about American troops being officially drawn down in Afghanistan or some place near Afghanistan, and James lost interest.

He couldn't stop thinking about Karen Holloway and what she was doing. He knew that ultimately God would see her punished, but he wished that this punishment would be far more immediate. He was confused as to why God would even allow something like this to happen at all and then he reminded himself that God worked in mysterious ways. It was not for any human being to understand what he does, or when or why he does it. It was only to be accepted as his divine plan and not questioned. God had some specific purpose for Karen Holloway's website, and that purpose would be revealed when God decided it was time.

Eventually James heard his neighbor leave again, but he failed to turn off his television before doing so. James first found this
terribly inconsiderate, but then he realized that this must be part of God's plan for him, so he began to listen very closely to everything being reported on the news. Reports on wars, disasters, murders, police brutality, and worldwide civil unrest seemed to James like clear evidence that the end times were close at hand, and he began to understand why it was that God had guided his neighbor to leave the television on. James felt that God was giving him a special warning, a context that would help whatever message God had for him make perfect sense.

Aside from the stories of the various types of strife and misery in the world, the story of Karen Holloway and her upcoming interview on the network seemed to be the news item discussed the most. Her story seemed to push through the others, taking on a central importance. For James, though, Karen Holloway's story was linked to the other stories. Her actions were evil and spiritually damaging to society, and James was surprised that none of the reporters made the connection between her actions and the other news reports.

The second night came and passed, but James's neighbor didn't return, leaving James to wonder again where he might have stayed. His disappearance, however, meant that his television droned on, exposing him to a full night's coverage of Karen Holloway and her website, with news reports and commentary in constant rotation. By the time the sun rose on the third day, James was in a state of extreme hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. He stood at his window and felt the sun on his face, as he had the day before. He closed his eyes and imagined God's warm embrace as the light hit his face. It was difficult to open his eyes after closing them. But he did open them, and when he did, the sun looked more glorious than it ever had before. The colors were richer and brighter. The sky itself seemed to hum and pulse. The clouds moved faster than usual, and he thought he could see angels shining in the far distance above them.

The smell of someone cooking bacon in his apartment com
plex snapped him out of his visions. His stomach ached, but he had become used to the pain. It was almost comforting to him. He knew that pain was just an obstacle to God's voice, and the more intense it became, the closer he was to hearing God speak.

He was dizzy as he walked back from the window to his couch again and he felt that his lips were dry and cracking. But like the hunger, James knew this pain to be evidence of his spiritual journey to God over the course of these three days. As he sat back down on his couch he realized something that should have been obvious to him but that he had overlooked. God had given him three days. He knew there was nothing left to chance in God's plan, nothing arbitrary. He was reminded of Luke 18:33:
They will flog him with a whip and kill him, but on the third day he will rise.

This was in reference to Jesus's resurrection. James knew he wasn't as important as Jesus, but he thought it was logical that God would use the period of three days to prepare a person for change. Jesus's body had remained entombed for three days before he rose again, proving his divine nature and ascending to heaven where he remained by his father's side for eternity. James saw himself in this way. He had remained entombed, in a way, in his apartment for three days, awaiting his transition into a new realm, a new understanding of the world and his place in it. In his exhaustion he felt more certain than ever that God would speak to him on this third day.

The hours stretched on and James listened to his neighbor's television as the various reporters counted down to their network's exclusive interview with Karen Holloway. James was curious to hear it, curious to see what possible reasoning she would give to justify her actions. He would listen carefully, though, so as not to allow Satan's thinking to take hold in his own mind. He was certain that this interview could be nothing less than Satan's attempt to poison as many unsuspecting minds as possible with his foul propaganda.

The shadows grew longer as the afternoon faded, but James didn't question why God had not yet spoken to him. He knew it would happen before the sun set, because it had to happen on the third day. It simply had to. He looked at the clock on his phone and saw that it was 5:49
P.M.
The interview with Karen Holloway was to begin in eleven minutes. James moved on his couch to the spot where he could best hear his neighbor's television and settled in, welcoming the pain in his stomach and the dried skin on the top of his mouth. As he scraped his tongue across the back of his teeth he heard it: the voice of God.

God's voice sounded remarkably like his own, like the voice he would hear when he was making mental lists of things to buy at the store, or of things he needed to do at work, or very like the voice he heard in his mind when he read from the Bible. James didn't expect God's voice to sound so similar to his own, but he didn't question it. All people were made in God's image, after all.

God told James that he had something very important to do with his life, and it had to be done soon. Despite not having had a drink of water or anything else in three days, James began to weep. James understood his tears to be a miracle. As they rolled down his cheeks, James listened to God tell him that he had created James to perform an errand that was crucial to the survival of the human race. This errand would involve self-sacrifice, and it would be difficult to understand, but it should never be questioned, and it should never be shared with anyone else. It should only be blindly obeyed.

James dropped to his knees and prayed to God with as much focus as he could summon. He told God that he would do whatever was required of him. He begged God to use him in whatever manner he chose. God told him that he was to go to California. God explained that this was only the first of several things he would be required to do in the service of this divine errand. Several more signs and instructions would be delivered to James as
he needed them along the journey. Go to California. That was the last thing God told James.

As the voice from his neighbor's television warned that there were only seven minutes left before the interview, James fell to his floor with tears of joy and amazement in his eyes. He said one final prayer to God, telling him that he would do what he was asked, he would carry out God's plan no matter what the personal cost to himself. And then James slept.

Karen Holloway looked
at herself in the mirror of the greenroom at CNN in Los Angeles, where she was waiting before being interviewed by Anderson Cooper. For a brief moment her anxiety subsided and her nerves faded when she noticed that her hair and face looked better than they usually did. The makeup people and stylists had touched her up, but beyond that, she felt she was looking better than she had in a long while. She wondered if this was the glow of pregnancy that she'd heard about, and although the prospect of what she was about to do still made her nervous, she was glad that at least she would look good doing it.

Tanya, who was there with Karen, said, “You look fine.”

Karen said, “I know. I actually think I look pretty fucking good.”

Tanya said, “I still can't believe your parents aren't here for this.”

Karen said, “I didn't want them to come. When my name got leaked, that phone call was bad enough. I couldn't have my mom here right now telling me that I'm making the biggest mistake of my life—not right before I go on TV.”

Tanya said, “But at some point you have to have more than just a phone call with them.”

Karen said, “I know. I know. But not right now. I need to focus on this. I know it sounds stupid or arrogant, but I think what I'm about to do could potentially be really important.”

Tanya said, “It doesn't sound stupid or arrogant. I think you're right. I think what you're doing is pretty terrible on a moral level, but it's undeniable that people are interested. Whatever you're going to say tonight, there will be a lot of people listening.”

Karen had thought a lot about whether this interview was a good or a bad idea, but she eventually decided it was better to have more exposure and be able to explain herself to the public than it was to remain silent and allow all the media conjecture about her to continue. Her identity was already in the world, and putting a voice to it seemed to be only beneficial.

The day before, she'd been emailed a series of questions that she might be asked during the interview. So she stayed up late, formulating her answers and memorizing the various talking points she wanted to be able to mention if possible. By the time she left for the interview, she felt as ready as she could be for her first appearance on national television.

A producer came into the greenroom to tell her it was time to go to the set. After Tanya gave her a hug and wished her luck, Karen followed the producer outside, where someone clipped a microphone onto her collar, and then she was led to the set. As she sat down across the table from an empty chair, she took a deep breath. She knew this moment was in some ways more important than whatever would happen with the site and the money.

Anderson Cooper stepped out onto the stage and introduced himself to Karen. He said, “Hi, nice to meet you.”

Even if God wasn't real, most people in the world believed he was, so the effect of God on humanity was still very real, and that was something worth understanding. Science and the growth of knowledge were important, but no more or less important than the various forms of human artistic endeavors. Sexuality was one of our most primary motivations, but certainly not the only one, and it was something no one had any control over in their lives. Discrimination based on these preferences was still very much a part of American culture, and although this discrimination was fading, it wasn't fading fast enough. Raising children, like sexual orientation, was merely a preference that varied from person to person, and sex was linked to this preference only in the most basic concrete sense. These were things that Anderson understood to be true.

Karen said, “You too. This is all a bit surreal to me.”

Anderson said, “Well, what you're doing is all a bit surreal to a lot of people. I'm going to try to make this as easy as possible for you. I really think you deserve to have your voice heard in this, and I want you to be able to get everything out that you want to get out.”

Karen said, “Thanks. That's great. I mean, that's all I could ask for.”

Anderson said, “You got some of the questions from one of my producers, but we'll also be throwing in some Twitter questions at the end. We'll stay away from any of the outright offensive stuff, obviously, and keep it strictly to valid, fact-based questions or things that are more philosophical in nature—you know, just the pertinent questions.”

Karen said, “That sounds fine to me.”

Anderson said, “Good. Also, I know someone probably already told you this, and I'm sure it won't be a problem, but we're live, so no
fuck
s or
shit
s or anything like that. We have a delay, so you'll get bleeped anyway, but it's always better if you don't have to get bleeped.” Then he sat down in the chair across from Karen.

A producer came out and informed them that they had one minute to air. Karen watched Anderson Cooper look over his notes. She looked out and saw camera operators looking into their monitors. She saw people running back and forth in the shadows of the studio. She wondered if this was what every show was like for them. She wondered if they cared at all about the interview that was about to take place, or if it was just one in a long line of interviews that came and went with only fleeting impact. She wondered if most of the world felt that way. Then the lights came up on the stage, and a producer started to count them down. It was happening.

Anderson Cooper looked into the center camera and said, “Good evening. Tonight we have an exclusive interview with arguably the most controversial person in America, maybe the world. Karen Holloway, the UCLA philosophy student who has issued an online challenge to the Christian right of America, is here with me tonight. She's currently pregnant, and she claims that if she doesn't get one hundred million dollars in donations through her website, she'll have an abortion. If she does meet her financial goal, then all the money will be put in a trust fund for the child, who will be given up for adoption. The public have had very different reactions to Karen and what she's doing. She's certainly been vilified by the Christian right as well as by many other activist groups, including many women's rights groups, despite how she says she's doing this in the name of women's rights. Others have praised her as a champion of feminism. Tonight we hear her side of the story, in a special live interview here on CNN.”

Anderson Cooper turned to Karen and said, “Karen, thanks for being with us tonight. I know the past few weeks for you have probably been a little crazier than you're used to.”

Karen said, “Yeah. I never really expected anyone to find out who I was.”

Anderson Cooper said, “Well, let's start there. Many people
have criticized you for trying to remain anonymous. They've claimed it was an act of cowardice. Is that true? Were you afraid to have your identity known publicly?”

Karen said, “I'm sitting on your show right now doing this interview. I don't see how that could be interpreted as fear of my identity being known or cowardice of any kind. The reason I wanted the entire thing to be anonymous is that I wanted the idea, the experiment, to live and die on its own merits. I didn't want my identity to get in the way of people seeing just how hypocritical the pro-life movement is in this country. Whatever people were thinking or feeling about this whole thing, I didn't want to become the focus of those feelings. But that seems to be exactly what's happening anyway.”

Anderson Cooper said, “To some degree I think you're right, but your site has generated a little over seven million dollars, and looks to keep generating money, so even if some of the attention is focused on you, people are still paying attention to the site and the conversation you've started.”

Karen said, “That's true.”

Anderson Cooper said, “And at the current rate of donations coming in, does it seem to you like you're going to hit your projected goal of one hundred million dollars?”

Karen said, “It's impossible to say. The donations have slowed down a bit, but I think there's also a lull in things like this between the beginning and the end. We saw it with the Affordable Care Act. When the clock starts counting down the last few days, I'll be very interested to see what happens. Because I know that within the most prominent evangelical churches in the country, there are two camps emerging. One camp is urging their congregations to donate whatever they can. They're actually sticking to their pro-life philosophy. But the other camp, which I think is the majority of Christians in this country, both evangelical and not, has denounced me and claims that a donation to my site is the wrong thing to do. Which obviously proves my point.”

Anderson Cooper said, “And what is that point exactly?”

Karen said, “Well, it's just like I said on my site. The Christian right in this country isn't really pro-life at all. They're anti-woman. I'm doing something that's completely legal in our country. I'm exercising my right as a woman, to choose to have a child or not, and for under a dollar each, the pro-life Christians of this country have the ability to make sure that this fetus is carried to term and given a good home, not to mention set up for life. This child, if born, would obviously never have to worry about money in his or her life. But if they fail to meet the goal, then I think it proves they aren't really interested in human life, they're far more interested in attempting to control women, by limiting their choices and imposing their own religious mandate on as many people as possible, which is one of several hypocrisies at the root of Christianity. And ultimately I hope that exposing that hypocrisy will help nudge people in the direction of ending religion.”

Anderson Cooper said, “And if you do end up getting the hundred million dollars, will you have any hand in deciding who adopts the baby?”

Karen said, “Well, I'd personally love to see the child go to a gay couple, but I've opted to remove myself completely from the adoption process. Statistically, the child is much more likely to go to a Christian family—which should be further incentive for the Christians in this country to donate.”

Anderson Cooper said, “If your financial goal is met, and you have the baby and give it up for adoption, will you want to be a part of the child's life in any way?”

Karen said, “Not at all.”

Anderson Cooper said, “Why not?”

Karen said, “I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to have kids, and I think this fetus, should it become a child, would be far better served by parents who really want to have a child.”

Anderson Cooper said, “And what if the child, at some point, gets curious and wants to meet you or wants to be in your life?”

Karen said, “That's a more difficult question. I wouldn't want to deprive the child that opportunity to know me or meet me, but I think I'd try my best to stay completely removed.”

Anderson Cooper said, “But do you think you'd even be able to do that? This child, assuming you actually have it, will be a public figure of some sort for his or her entire life. You very likely will be as well. It seems like it would be pretty difficult for either of you to not at least be aware of the other as your lives progress.”

Karen said, “I don't know if that's true at all. I think if you don't want to be a public figure, it's very easy not to be. I obviously can't speak for whatever kind of person this child might or might not become, but I know myself, and I have a much stronger desire to see my work's effect in the public than do I have any desire to see myself as a celebrity of any kind.”

Anderson Cooper said, “Okay. Let's get to another point you've made, which is that your goal isn't just to prove that the Christian right is hypocritical, but also to nudge people toward the end of religion. Do you really think that's even possible?”

Karen said, “The end of religion, and the belief in mythologies and fairy tales, is inevitable. We're already seeing it happen in this country. Every time a new poll comes out about the beliefs of the younger generations, we see that fewer and fewer people affiliate with any organized religion, and more and more people are self-described agnostics. If we know anything from history, it's that social and technological progress never stops. The belief in a God was something that was beneficial for a very long time for us. When we couldn't explain why it rained, or what the stars were, it was easy to conjure the idea of a big guy up in the sky who made everything. But today we know that's not the case, and as technology explains more and more of the
universe, and as we move forward socially, becoming less and less tolerant of discrimination against women and homosexuality and other things religion discriminates against, I personally think the writing is on the wall. I mean, women are the largest group of subjugated people on the planet. Even in countries like America, where things are relatively good for women, we still make only seventy-five percent of what a man makes for performing the same job at the same level. It's still socially expected for a woman to give up her last name upon marriage. And obviously our culture still protects its young men far more than its young women where rape and sexual assault are concerned. And the idea that any of that is okay comes from religion. It comes from the notion that a woman must be subservient to the man, just as it says in not only the Bible but most foundational texts of major religions. And because we allow religious freedom, we feel the need to lend credence to these views. If you discriminate against any group in this country, all you have to do is claim that it's because of your religious affiliation, and you're beyond reproach. And this isn't just about women. Obviously religion has always allowed for open discrimination against homosexuality, race, and a wide number of other things. Religion just doesn't serve the same purpose it used to—or any purpose, really. Religion is the last bastion of discrimination. I think we'll all be better off when it's gone.”