storm (9 page)

            "Yes and no.  It got out of hand."

            "I see.  That doesn't surprise me."

            "I need to talk to you about it.  We've been together several times and I don't know what I feel about it.  Am I being disloyal?"

            Pellaz sat up.  "I'm not going to be angry or hurt, Cal.  It was obvious to me that Rue would want a piece of you.  I won't give him the satisfaction of resenting it.  I can't afford to give anyhar that power."

            "Can you stop hating him?"

            "I meant what I said to you.  Rue is your Tigrina as much as mine.  Do as you see fit, but don't involve me."

            Cal laughed sadly.  "That's ironic.  I said that to him too."

            "You might be binding over a wound.  In that, you will be doing me a service."

            "You know he still loves you, don't you?  It shocks me how much."

            "He will say that to you, because to say otherwise would show him in a bad light."

            "You're wrong.  I think you've misjudged him.  When I first came here, the three of us stood together in the Hegalion, united.  I thought that would be the beginning of strength.  We need it.  All of us.  And love is strength."

            "In the Hegalion, I got carried away with the moment," Pell said.  "I wish I could maintain it, Cal, but I can't.  Too much has happened.  It is difficult to misjudge somehar for over twenty odd years.  You forget that life went on for me while we were apart."

            "Please think about it."

            "You be for Rue what I cannot.  I'm generous enough to concede that."

            "It means nothing without you."

            Pellaz rose from the bed and went to his wardrobe, discarding towels along the way.  "Perhaps you should be more concerned about your son.  I've spoken with Swift and Cobweb about him." He pulled out some clothes and dressed himself.  "We think Tyson should come to Immanion, but I predict it won't be easy for you."

            Cal put his hands behind his head, stared at the ceiling.  "I haven't seen him since he was a tiny harling.  It doesn't feel real.  I remember going through it all, but now..."

            "Difficult to imagine he sprang from you.  The thought of you and Terzian together hurts more than anything Rue could do.  You were making pearls with the Varr while I was almost senseless with grief over losing you.  That's bizarre."

            Cal's tone was defensive.  "I can barely remember what Terzian looks like.  I thought you were dead."

            Pell laughed awkwardly, in an attempt to lift the atmosphere.  "We don't have to discuss this.  It's history.  After all, I did the same thing with Rue.  Let's drop it."

            Cal, clearly, didn't want to drop it.  "Grief over you did terrible things to me too.  I was out of my mind.  Tyson sprang from that, if anything.  I'm not sure I want to go back to that dark place.  Do I really have to see him?"

            "He's yours, Cal, and none of what happened was his fault.  I have an abysmal relationship with my own son, and it's not something I'd recommend.  Build bridges."

            "Then you do the same."

            Pell closed the wardrobe doors carefully.  "What's on the agenda for today?  I doubt I'm allowed the luxury of rest after my journey."

            "Later this afternoon, an audience in the Hegalion with delegates from various tribes, all wanting Gelaming aid.  It's not essential you're present for that, as both Vaysh and I have been vague about your return time from Galhea.  This evening, you're booked for the caste ascension of some high-ranking young har in the High Nayati.  You offered to officiate last week, when you were drunk at that party, remember?  The parents have requested, most humbly, that the Aralisians turn out in force."

            "Damn.  Oh well.  Let the unholy Trinity of Tigrons and Tigrina do their worst.  I'll pass on the delegates, though.  Will you handle it?"

            Cal jumped up from the bed and wrapped Pell in his arms.  "It's part of what I'm here for, isn't it?  To take on some of the burden."

            Pellaz was assailed by a poignant image of Thiede that was accompanied by a pang of loss.  He pushed both image and feeling away and held Cal close.  "Eat with me now.  I'll tell you the horrors of Galhea."

            Pellaz usually enjoyed conducting caste ascensions, but that night his mind was elsewhere.  He noticed that Caeru seemed to be aware of his distraction, because the Tigrina took over most of the officiating.  Pellaz was so accustomed to not feeling grateful for anything Caeru did, he was quite shocked to discover this had changed.  More than that had changed.  Pellaz no longer sensed the hungry, desperate and often vicious need that normally oozed from Caeru like the essence of disease.  He even smelled different.  Caeru raised his arms to channel energy, and thereby raise the initiate from Neoma to Brynie level.  For a moment he transformed into a skinny young har with ragged yellow hair and artfully ripped clothes.  Pellaz could almost smell the perfume of a night, 30 years ago.  Was Cal working some subtle magic?  But there were more disorienting things to consider.  As the ceremony progressed, Pell's mind kept flashing back to the otherlanes journey, and the black entity that had accosted him there.  Sometimes, it felt as if that presence was still with him, tainting the sacred atmosphere of the High Nayati.  Shadows pressed close and the vaulted ceiling was lost in darkness.  Unearthly creatures might cluster there, whispering together.

            Cal and Caeru intoned the words of the ceremony and the young har they initiated knelt before them, while Pellaz fought a battle with the demons of his imagination.  He remembered the words that Cobweb had said to him, the mention of Dorado.  Cobweb had implied Pellaz needed help: as usual, he'd concealed more than he'd revealed, but that was the way of seers.  For the first time in years, Pellaz felt young and powerless.  He did not have enough information, certainly not enough to feel secure, and had no wise har to go to for advice and assurance.  Despite Cobweb's warning, he found himself thinking of Opalexian.  He wanted to speak to her.

            The ceremony concluded, and the newly elevated har went home to celebrate with his proud parents.  Tentatively, Caeru asked Cal and Pellaz if they'd like to come back to his apartment for supper.  Cal did not answer, but directed his attention to Pellaz, who felt himself consenting, simply because the thought of being alone was too unsettling.  All of Pell's senses were heightened.

            Before they left the High Nayati, Pellaz went alone to the shrine of the Aghama, Wraeththu's prime deity.  Here, a bronze image of Thiede was lit by the soft glow of candlelight.  Pellaz cast some grains of incense over the flame that eternally burned there.  The perfumed smoke rolled over him.  He prayed to Thiede for guidance, and perhaps there was a sense of a tall presence behind him, the ghost of a hand on his shoulder.

           
You are Tigron,
said a voice in his head. 
Take control.

            "I need you.  There are cracks in the world."

           
Fight darkness with light.  Fight light with darkness.

            Pellaz sighed deeply.  For so long, everyhar had believed that Thiede had influenced everything that happened to Wraeththu.  He was their progenitor and their god.  But he had also been a har of flesh and blood, and Pellaz could not believe one individual could have controlled so much.  Had he forced Pellaz to create a pearl with Caeru against his better judgement?  Had he influenced all that had happened to Cal?  If it were true, then surely Pellaz would have sensed it in some way.  He saw his own life as a pageant, parading across his mind's eye.  Historic events, deep passions, betrayals, victories.  If Thiede was not the greater power, then what was?

            A candle hissed in its own wax on the altar and Pellaz opened his eyes.

           
Now you begin to see...

            "Speak to me."

           
A pearl of light, the star of all stars... unexpected.

            Pellaz held his breath.  Dare he believe the words he heard in his mind came from anywhere but his own dreams and desires?

           
Do what is not expected of you...

            "How can I find you?"

           
In the star...

On his terrace in Phaonica, Caeru's behaviour was cool but cordial.  He clearly made a point of not sitting too close to Cal, and asked Pellaz for news of Galhea.  Pellaz found it fairly easy to play the game and offer up the gossip, but he did not tell his companions anything about the things that concerned him.  He felt slighted outsider, but strangely, this did not distress him.  He could see plainly how disoriented Cal felt being in Immanion and how Caeru could ground him in a way that Pellaz could not.  There was really only one Tigron.  Pellaz smiled, drank a little wine, and heard himself chatting amicably, but inside he was saying to himself: 
we were mad to think we could ever have it back, Cal.  I died, and what we had died with me.  What we have now is a revenant; lurching, damaged and undead.  How could we have been so stupid to cling to a dream for so long?

            He realized he loved Cal more than he ever had, but it was not the consuming passion of youth that had sustained his dreams over the years.  It was not as hot and urgent; it was deeper, more real.

            The time came when Pellaz knew he could leave without giving offence  They had gone indoors because the air on the terrace had cooled.  He could leave, because it was expected of him.  He had made a concession in visiting the Tigrina's apartment and this would be regarded as a first step.  He would return to his own rooms, either with Cal were alone, and he would become resentful of being manipulated.  He would remember everything that made him angry, and the cycle would begin again.  He could see himself walking out of the door, inclining his head in a formal farewell.  It would be so easy, and he yearned for it.

            "I could do with another drink," he said.  "Have we exhausted your stocks, Rue?"

            "No...  I'll see to it." Caeru left the room in a hurry, clearly surprised.

            Pellaz sat down in a chair.  He felt light-headed, as if he'd summoned up strong and capricious energy.

            "What are you up to?" Cal asked.

            "I'm tired," Pellaz said, "very tired.  I love you and I want what's best for you."

            "Was the matter?" Cal squatted beside Pell's chair.  "You look... odd, and what you just said sounded worryingly final."

            "I'm not going anywhere," Pellaz said.  He reached out and stroked Cal's face.  It was still difficult to believe Cal was here in Immanion.  It didn't feel real, after so many years of longing in fantasy.  But it was one of only two possible conclusions to their passion: reunion or death.  Who or what had decided upon the happier resolution?

           
Stop thinking this way,
Pellaz told himself.