storm (7 page)

            "Do I have to call somehar to throw you out?"

            "Can't cope with what you invoked?" Cal enquired.  "How disappointing."

            "Go," Caeru said.  "This is finished."

            "No, it hasn't.  Don't you understand?  You've won.  But maybe it doesn't feel like victory now."

            "Victory?"

            “Here I am,” Cal said coldly, opening his arms.  “Come, drink, taste.  Sate yourself.  We are the rulers of all Wraeththu: flawed, magnificent and vain.  We deserve each other.”

            Cal was only a few steps away, yet it seemed like a vast distance.  He was in pain.  Caeru could see that so clearly.  He mustered all of his courage and crossed the distance between them.  He took Cal's face in his hands.  “The hatred has to stop,” he said.  “It has to.”

            Cal's breath tasted of brandy and incense and burning candles.  His hands were hot on Caeru's skin, sizzling with energy.  He was hungry for contact, drawing the breath Caeru's chest, from the depths of his belly.  Aruna with Pellaz must be terrifying for him.  He needed this.  He needed grounding.

            They sank to their knees on the carpet, struggling with clothes, clawing flesh.  There was a sound like the ocean in Caeru's head and it was the seethe of hot blood.  This savage union was a vortex of chaos, of insatiable need, a desire to end all pain.  Frustration, bitterness, fear and resentment: they were all there – site guardians of Phaonica.  Caeru fell back and hit his head sharply against the floor.  Cal was on top of him.  Caeru could feel Cal's heart banging against his ribs.  Then, in the midst of madness, Cal became still.  It was as if time itself had stopped.  Caeru became aware of a gentle but insistent pressure between his legs, where it felt as if his soume-lam was gasping for breath.  Aruna with Cal was going to happen.  It really was.  They had both just realised what they were doing.

            “This is what Pell felt, the first time ever,” Caeru murmured.  “He felt you, like this.”

            “And this is what he saw,” Cal said, “that night in Ferelithia.  He saw what I'm seeing now.”

            “In this way, we are one.”

            Cal uttered a cry that was almost grief, and Caeru's body arched in pain.  It was like fighting history.

Chapter Three

Caeru could barely get through the day.  Now, he wanted to talk to Cal.  They had to establish some kind of order.  Last night had been vicious.  It mustn't happen again.  Caeru planned everything he intended to say.  He would show Cal his tender side and build up his trust.  The time for snarling was over.  Pellaz was due to return to Immanion in a couple of days.

            That Cal did not show up at the usual time.  Caeru couldn't eat anything.  He sat on the terrace, wrapped in bewildered numbness, considering that Cal was going to treat him in exactly the same way Pellaz had.  The only positive aspect was that this time there had been no conception.

            At nine o'clock, Caeru sent one of his staff to Cal's apartments, but the Tigron was not in residence.  Caeru drink himself into a stupor because it was the only way he could sleep and he could no longer stand to be awake.  His back hurt so much the pain invaded all his dreams, most of which were hideous.

            The following morning, Velaxis appeared, brimming with disgusting eagerness to hear more lurid stories.  Caeru told him what had happened, or rather what hadn't happened.

            "Go to his apartment today," Velaxis said.  "Go yourself."

            "I can't do that.  It's too humiliating."

            "I think you should.  Cal's confused.  He's probably frightened."

            "I don't think he's ever that."

            "Clean yourself up and go.  Pride is pointless now and only an impediment to progress."

            Caeru side.  "All right.  But I'll never forgive you if he throws me out."

            "The Hegemony is due to meet this afternoon.  You should both be there.  Sort this out before that."

            It took ten minutes to reach Cal's apartment: to Caeru it felt like over an hour and get mere seconds.  He had no idea what reception he'd get.  A member of the Tigron staff let him in and, without any apparent hesitation or disapproval, conducted him into Cal's presence.  Caeru was disappointed to find that Cal was not in any kind of emotional agony, but was poring over immense piles of paper in his office.  After Caeru had been announced, he said, "I was going to come and see you later."

            "You didn't come last night," Caeru said, staring meaningfully at the attendant until he went away.

            "No, I went to see Ashmael."

            "Right.  And what did
he
have to say?"

            "You don't want to hear.  We were stupid, Rue.  Really stupid."

            "I know.  I'll be lucky if I'm not scarred for life."

            Cal laughed uncertainly.  "There are particular images that will stay with me for the rest of mine."

            "So, what's your decision?"

            "What you mean?"

            "You know.  Well?  Did Ashmael help you make it?"

            Cal sighed.  "Sit down.  We have to talk."

            "No.  I just want an answer.  Are you going to repeat history and turn your back on me?"

            Cal put his hands on Caeru's arms.  " No.  It's just...  Oh hell, I don't know what it is."

            Caeru pulled away from him.  "I think I do.  You want permission first.  Isn't that it?"

            "I want to talk to Pell, yes."

            Sometimes, Caeru considered, the female side of being har manifested itself at the most inappropriate times.  A small part of him, that seemed to be hovering somewhere near the light fitting, looked on in horror as he sank down on a chair and began to weep.  He couldn't stop himself.  It was decades of disappointment and heartbreak spilling out in one long stream.  Even as he abandoned himself to misery, he realized that Cal must be thinking this was a deliberate ploy to get attention and sympathy.  That only made it worse. 
Get out!
  A rational part of his brain advised. 
Get out now before you make more of a fool of yourself.

            Blindly, he got to his feet and made in what he hoped was the direction of the door.  All of Cal staff would see him like this.  It was vile.

            Cal grabbed hold of him before he could leave the room.  "Rue," Cal said lamely.  "Don't."

            Caeru pulled away.  "You don't get it, do you?" he yelled and thumped his own chest.  "It's in here.  All of it.  It's called love.  It's like a magic spell or a curse."