Stolen Innocence (21 page)
Authors: Erin Merryn
Erin
MAY, 2003 8:00 P.M.Brian,
Your mother stopped me after school one day and asked if I could watch David and Jake while she went grocery shopping. You weren't home and I began playing “hide and go seek” with the boys. After a few times of playing you came from the garage and saw that David was counting and you turned to me and said you had the perfect spot to hide. You told me to follow you and so I did. I didn't think twice about it. It had been such a long time since the incident in the condo that it didn't even cross my mind. I followed you down in the basement and you took me into the storage area/crawl space and took blankets and told me to hide under them. So I did, thinking nothing of it, and thought it would be even harder for David to find me. I could hear David above us upstairs running round looking for us. You made your way under the blankets and began touching me. Running your hands under my shirt and then leaning over and putting your mouth on mine all I can hear you saying my name over and over again in a soft whisper. I begin to tell you I'm going to go upstairs, but you refuse. Eventually we hear David make his way to the basement and open the door to the storage area. You tell me to stay silent. Oh, how I wish I had screamed. Instead I closed my eyes trying to imagine being somewhere else. Once we hear your brother make his way back upstairs, you pull the blankets over our heads and get on top of me. You now are forcing your hands down my pants and you begin to fondle me. My heart is racing and I am trying to catch my breath. Your weight is too strong and I see nothing but the darkness around me and feel the touch of your hands all over my body. You begin to move your body up and down in a humping manner. I am scared and so confused at what is taking place and don't know how to make sense of it all. I try to go away in my head pretending it isn't happening. The abuse continues until we hear the sound of your mother's high heels on the tile floor above us as she walks in the door. You immediately get off me and make your way to the door. You make your way upstairs and I follow a few minutes later. Very shaken up, I try to hide it in front of your mom. Your brother David gave up looking for us a long time ago and now he sits watching TV and asks where we have been all this time. I go home that day and once again hold in the truth. This day that this took place in the storage area, did you plan it? It seemed like you saw the opportunity to get your hands on me and jumped right into the game we were playing just to make me fall in your trap.
Did it give you some kind of rush of excitement? Another thing that has been on my heart for a very long time is Molly. You see, Brian, she lived with you for 6 or 8 months. I have wondered for years if you ever laid a hand on her. I look at all the warning signs. She won't spend the night at other people's houses. I feel that she saw what happened to the family and didn't want to cause any more pain and anger so she stayed silent and still hasn't worked through what happened to her. I am not accusing you. I am just asking you a simple question.
Erin
Here it is. These are my opinions and my side of the things that happened. I don't recall that happening in the basement. What I remember is helping you hide but I never once fondled you down there. The only abuse I ever put you through was in Wisconsin and I admitted that and I accepted my mistake and got help for it. Yea, I may have been close with you and Allie growing up and playing games with you guys, but never once did I abuse either of you like I abused you in Wisconsin. That is what I remember. Those are my memories of the events that happened. Brian
WHAT! I don't know what to say. Listen to yourself, Brian. Can we say Denial? If you are going to try to tell me that is the only memory you have then you are in denial. I can't believe you can even say that. My anger is boiling that you could make a comment like that. You must have buried a lot of memories. You're a perpetrator and you know it. That fact that you can say it only happened once makes me wonder how sick and fucked up you really are. No matter what you have to say, in my eyes, once a perpetrator always a perpetrator. So if you are trying to tell me that it only happened in Wisconsin, then explain this. Explain all these other times you abused me! What about the time in your parents' walk-in closet, on your bed while your brothers played Nintendo, on your green bean bag chair that was in your bedroom, in the basement while we played blanket monster, in your parents' bathroom, in grandpa and grandma's garage, in your parents' bedroom when you came home that night while I was babysitting, in your closet....I could go on and on. It just angers me that you are going to try to say it only happened once. What a bunch of shit! With Allie you abused her in the basement, and in your parents' bathroom. I am trying to give you a chance and hear you out, but if you can't admit to it, then there is no point in this discussion and we can go on living the life we have been living for the past five years and you will never be forgiven. It is up to you. I lived through it I remember ever damn detail like it were yesterday. You know damn well what happened. You're too afraid to admit to it because you don't have control or my silence anymore. It may be easy for you to forget, but not for me! I just can't get over the fact that you are going to try and tell me you never did any of this besides the first time it. happened. I get sick just hearing you say that! You denied the abuse back when we came out about it and now you are going to try and tell me you never did any of this to me. The first step you have to take is admitting to it. I would in no means make up a bunch of bullshit. Obviously I have these memories for a reason and obviously you are in denial about the truth or are too afraid to go there because there is too much guilt. That is sad! Really Sad!
Erin
Erin,
All this happened in the past and that is where I wish it could stay. Think of a person you like and respect and now think if you found out that they did the things I did. That is how I feel about my past. I look at my past as if I was a different person and I don't want to know anything about him. I don't want to be me at times. That is one of the worst things that someone can say about one's self in life. At least you know you are a good person, Erin. I want to be a good person so bad, but every time I feel I am, I look to my past and I realize I can't change my past and who I was and I will never be a good person. Sometimes the best way to live a good life is to forget about my past for a while. Bringing this all back is ripping me apart and you're probably happy for that, but no matter what you do or say to me, it will not help me look back at my past and forget who I was. Because remembering who I was helps me to be the best I can be today and in the future. I don't know how going through all these details will help you to get over what I did to you, but maybe you can explain that to me and I could help you more. I don't know. But that is what I have to say. Brian
Brian,
I have wondered what has been going on in your life over the past five years. There have been so many nights I lay staring at the wall wondering if you have changed your life. Wondering what has been going through your head. It is very confusing to me because I know you as the person that hurt me and not the person you are telling me you are. Yet you have made the effort and are continuing to respond and that makes me feel that you are trying. Even though I know some things I say you don't want to hear because it disturbs you. I'd like to know how you got help back when this all came out. Because what disturbs me, and you may admit to this or you may not, is the fact that I did learn over the past five years that you had tried to do this to other girls. I heard it happened in Wisconsin to one of the girls up there and maybe it did and maybe you can admit to it and regret it. I also heard on the bus last year that you tried to do something to another girl at a party. See, that is where I get concerned. Even though this is none of my business, it will help me understand that you can honestly admit to your mistakes and that your hormones got the best of you. I am not here to judge you, Brian; I am here to learn how you have changed your life and how you can admit to your mistakes. Last week when you tried to tell me it only happened once, I got so angry. I wasn't even going to respond, but I realized that would get me nowhere and that we both knew the truth It was just a matter of getting you to admit to it. I want to know the steps you took to change your life over the past five years. Brian, I believe everyone is born a good person. I once knew you as that good person before anything happened. I believe evil got in the way and made you act out, which has caused so much pain and anger over the years. I want there to be a day when I am not filled with so much anger and hate. I really thought I would live the rest of my life with this pain, anger, fear, and hate hanging over me. I never thought it would come to me confronting you and you actually responding back. I want to know what you are thinking and have been thinking over the years and I want the truth. Even though it sounds as though I have been spending all my time hurting, I have also done a lot of good for others over the years. I want to hear about you first though. Then once we get through the past, maybe we can look to the future.
Erin
Brian,
Just as long as I get an answer. It is going to be hearing what you have to say in response that will make me understand who you are. Brian, even though you have no memory of ever being abused yourself, in my heart, I feel something happened to you when you were young.
Someone who abuses someone else usually is acting out on something someone did to him or her. You may have no memory of it because it happened when you were just a child. You may have dissociated the memory, or it may be something that has been weighing on your heart for many years. You see, right after before the abuse came out, when my mom was on the phone with yours, your mom mentioned that you and Mike had a babysitter once that drew naked pictures while babysitting you. Now that is a little strange and who knows what else happened. You say you are going to answer my questions but want to feel comfortable first. I think you're afraid to trust me. I am not going to push you into answering my questions, but when I get to the end of this road, if you expect me to forgive you, I am going to need answers. Like I said in a pervious email, I think eventually it is going to have to be that we come face to face and discuss this. I think once we do that, It will give me a better understanding of who you really are and it will let you know that I am trying to understand you. Maybe once that happens you can open up and express more to me, because when it gets down to it, I am going to want the truth about everything. I think also if we have the opportunity to talk in person, it will end these flashbacks I constantly have. Let me know what you think.
Erin
Erin,
Five years ago I promised many people that I would not talk to you one on one, face to face, just us, me and you alone together. Each person that I promised had certain reasons they gave me and I respect each one. And I understood each one. Maybe someday I can talk to you face to face alone, but right now I am not comfortable with that.
Brian
Brian,
I am not comfortable with it either right now. I am just saying someday it is going to have to happen for me to be able to forgive you because I want to hear it from you that you are sorry. I am sure you were told by many people not to communicate with Allie or me because it could get you in trouble. Well, that is still the case with Allie because she is a minor. I am an adult now and can make my own decisions. One of those decisions is to eventually have a talk with you face to face. To hear it come from you that you are sorry and want forgiveness and you have changed your life. When you are ready, Brian, let me know, because I think it will take a huge weight off my shoulders knowing I can actually hear it from you and it will get us one step closer to forgiveness and I know it won't be easy.
Brian, as much anger and hate as I have had over the years towards you, I don't want to see you suffer the rest of your life with guilt and shame. I have suffered too many years and don't want to suffer any more. I want you not only to be able to ask me for forgiveness, but to be able to forgive yourself, too. You have beaten yourself up over the years. At least we can go on living our lives the best way we know how and you can be at peace with your past and I can be at peace with mine. So I will put it this way, when you are ready and you will know in your heart that you are, come find me and ask for forgiveness on your own. I will look forward to that day and I am sure you will, too.
Erin
Brian,
I came to a point where I needed to confront you. I took you along to let you hear the pain you caused me. I could question you the rest of my life and still not be able to make sense of why you abused me. There will be questions I may never get answers to, but in my heart I already know the truth, the truth that follows you every day and the guilt and shame that will hang over you the rest of your life. I'm learning to rebuild my life. I'm an adult now, but in a sense I am still that lost twelve-year-old hurting inside. I'm taking baby steps every day to relearn what you stole from me. My innocence can never be replaced. Every step I take forward I look at it as one step closer to closure on my past. You took away my ability to trust others. You took away many valuable years of mine that can never be replaced. I've been living my life running, fearing, and fighting you off. It's been five years since you laid a hand on me, but I am still trying to scrub away the dirty feelings I feel inside from you. I look forward to the day when I can feel clean and whole again and be able to free my soul of this dark world I have been living in. I look forward to the day when I can start on a new road in life that will be filled with happiness and will look to the future and not the past. The day when I can come to the end of this road I am on now. Then I will be able to start on a new road in life, which will involve a career, husband, and children. I will make sure to give my children the childhood that you stole from me. I can't erase the past so instead I am going to take my own experience and educate others. You took away my voice when I was young for so many years giving you the control to do what you did. You hear my voice loud and clear today and I plan to let the world hear me through my words some day. If that is shouting from the worlds' tallest building or writing am book, I'll be heard! I am no longer that fragile, innocent child you took advantage of. I am a woman with a lot of strength that is going to go far in life and heal others because of it. I am letting you know now that I am going to continue down this road by myself. You've heard the pain and anger you put me through, which you needed to hear. If you are honestly sorry, Brian, and want forgiveness it is going to take you coming to me on your own and admitting not to one, but to every single time you abused me. I would suggest getting outside help, because I feel you have been in denial with yourself about the abuse. You have dissociated with your past because you have too much guilt. It starts with you accepting the fact that you made some terrible mistakes and not being in denial about it. That is the first step you must take. The next step I see you having to take is turning to God and admitting to your mistakes and asking for forgiveness. Then you can take the next step and come find me and apologize for your actions and ask for forgiveness. If I truly see your remorse, I will find it in my heart to forgive you. Then maybe you can take the final step and look at yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself. I told you what I wanted you to hear, now it is your turn to act on it. I can easily go on living the rest of my life without forgiving you. I've done it the past five years. The question is, Brian, can you? I only want to hear it if you can really mean it. You will know in your heart when you are ready for forgiveness. You know the steps you have to take and I know the steps I am taking in my life. We are on two different roads in our life. I'm going to continue moving forward and hopefully some day we will cross paths and you will stop me and look me straight in the eyes and apologize and ask for forgiveness. It may be a week, month, year, ten years, it may be when I am old and blind, or it may never happen. The choice is yours. Do what your heart tells you. I would appreciate if you at least let me know you if you're going to try to take these steps or if you are going to go on living the life you have been living.
Erin
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