Stolen Innocence (17 page)

Tonight I went to church with Caitlin. We have been going every weekend, but tonight the message was particularly good. The pastor talked about problems in families and forgiveness. It had a big impact on me listening and relating with it. The pastor asked if we would be the outcast this Thanksgiving. It was like he was describing our family dynamic. I am always the outcast, keeping to myself the entire night. I also went to the high school football game with Sarah. We won by one-point. After the game Sarah and I drove around the neighborhood and I told her I needed to tell her something. She pulled up in a parking lot near my house where we sat in the car talking. I eventually got talking about how things have been tough and then I told her about my self-injury behavior. She asked to see my wrists and told me I need to get help. I told her I don't know what to do, but it is the only thing that works for me.

We talked for a long time and she promised not to tell anyone, but also urged me to tell my mom or someone I trust. I also went to my Aunt Jenny's house this weekend. I came to see her new baby boy again. She had him October 19th, the same day as his dad's birthday. So father and son are born on the same day. I think that is so cute. I'm babysitting next month for her. It will be fun to be watching the little baby. They named him Christian and he'll go by Chris. I had a pretty busy weekend. I am tired so I will be ending this here.

I saw Mrs. Ardell today. I still have not yet told her anything about my past. I pretty much keep the conversation on school. Speaking of school, I am failing Algebra two. The teacher doesn't know how to teach and I do terrible in math. I think I will be dropping it and taking it again next year with a new teacher. I am so stressed out for the holidays. I dread them every year for the same reason. Having to sit at the same table as my abuser and the meaning of the holiday is being thankful. I've decided this year that if I can't take it I will just remove myself from the table. I need to remember to breathe.

The evening was going okay until I ran into Brian when he was entering the kitchen and I was leaving. I immediately began to panic and had to keep reminding myself that I am no danger. It wasn't helping and the memories began to build which caused me to go in a back bedroom and pull myself together. Instead I cut. When it was time to eat I took as little as possible and was finished within a couple minutes. Grandma had only taken one bite of her meal by the time I was done. I went in the back bedroom and played on the computer. I feel I can't be myself and I'm always on guard when Brian is around. Even though I know he can't hurt me, just the sight of him scares me. All the relatives think it was just something minor. They have no idea how badly Brian abused me. They will learn the truth one day.

I'm lying in bed thinking of the last four years. The rest of the family is sleeping and I am asking myself a bunch of questions I can't answer. I'm going to turn out the light and go to sleep.

I am babysitting tonight at a hotel in the city for my aunt and uncle. Allie is with me, but she is already asleep. Both the three-year-old twins are asleep and the new baby is asleep right next to me. I've been sitting here thinking about something. I remember reading in a book about sexual abuse survivors. It says that people's sense of smell can often bring up flashbacks reminding them of how things smelled at the time of the abuse. Well, since I was born without a sense of smell, shouldn't I have less flashbacks than I do? It doesn't make sense. I still think the reason I have my dog Chance is because God had something to do with it. Chance has a terrible smell that comes from his skin because of infections in his ears. Everyone stays away from him, except me. I can't smell him at all. I still think it has to do with the fact that he sleeps in a cage. I would love to let him start sleeping in my room. I do get many comments about how pretty Chance is. I love him and don't know what I would do without him. He is a great dog other than the fact that he wants to eat every minute. My aunt and uncle won't be back for a couple more hours. The view from our window is unbelievable. The city is amazing at night. Oh, the baby is beginning to wake up. Later,

I had an awesome day! School went well and then after school I had my holiday choir concert at Indian Lakes. We arrived at school at four-thirty. Yesterday mom almost discovered my wrists. She was helping me find something nice to wear underneath my robe. I kept trying to tell her I would be fine doing it on my own so she wouldn't see my arms. I kept trying to delay her. She found a skirt for me and I told her I could handle finding a top to wear. This is the third time in three months she has come close to finding out. I feel like I am walking on eggshells trying to hide the truth. The dinner was good and singing went excellent. I really got to know some people that I had never spoken to. One guy named Jeremy sat next to me and I had him laughing all night. He is a very quiet boy who doesn't say much. At the end of the night we surrounded the tables and sang to the people. Jeremy didn't know the words to the song and I had him laughing the whole way through it. I am very exhausted now so I think I will end this here. Night!

Another nightmare has me up. I was on the couch hiding under blankets. My heart was pounding and I could hear Brian coming. Suddenly I feel his hands on my legs. I scream and wake up and feel my own heart pounding like I'd just run a marathon. I now can't fall back asleep. I continue to toss and turn. I never fall back asleep and get up to the sound of my alarm clock.

At church tonight the Pastor asked us what we want for Christmas. Not in the meaning of presents. He gave us the example of peace. The pastor then let us sit in silence and think. I began creating the best Christmas gift. A gift where the flashbacks would end, the nightmares would go away, the self-injury will be in the past and not present and I will be happy, not depressed. I just want to stop crying inside for my lost soul. I just want happiness.

I received a thank you letter from the Advocacy Center for getting them in touch with the lady who sent over the stuffed animals. Tonight I wrapped presents at the Advocacy Center until ten thirty. I helped out a lot. I feel good about what I was doing. I had a great time with the ladies who work there and some other volunteers. I also saw Cathy while I was there. She gave me a big hug, but was in a rush out the door to leave. I will see her Thursday at the Christmas party I am helping at. I am very tired and need some sleep. Night!

It is a week until Christmas. I am excited and nervous. Excited because my family is going to Florida and it will be my first time there. I'm nervous because I must face two days of my cousin Brian. First at Christmas Eve and then Christmas day. I had another flashback yesterday. The flashback didn't surprise me, but it was when I had the flashback, during gym class. I buried my head in my sweatshirt and kept it there until the memories stopped coming the memories of his breathing, his rising chest against mine, and those hands. I can see it and feel it all so well. If only I could chop those hands off. Anger eats away at me when these memories appear again and again, always somewhere dark and quiet.

I went to the city yesterday with my sister Caitlin and Allie. We went with our church group from Willow Creek. We were painting the inside of a building, in a poor and rough neighborhood. It was nice to meet new people. My sisters and I were putting paint on each other's clothes. I didn't get home until six. I then had to go baby-sit for my Aunt Jenny and I ended up spending the night because she didn't get home with my uncle until two a.m. Well, I am really tired and need some sleep. I have school tomorrow.

—Mahatma Gandhi

Christmas was difficult like usual, but I managed to make it through Christmas Eve and day. Christmas Eve we all put presents under the tree for people we had to buy for. Well Brian had to buy for one of my younger cousins and instead of wrapping it in Christmas paper he wrapped in newspaper. It gets worse though, it wasn't just any newspaper. It was the obituaries. Now is that sick or what! What a freak! Just thinking about it gives me the chills.

It was nice to go to Florida and see the Ocean for the first time. The drive was really long, but once we got there it was beautiful. The first night Allie and I went walking around outside the condo. It was much different than Illinois. There are no palm trees in Illinois. We spent a day at the ocean. It was beautiful. The sand was so soft on my feet. We had food with us and we began feeding the seagulls and then we had tons of them surrounding us. I tossed a pretzel on the hat my mom was wearing and a seagull came down, sat on mom's hat and ate it. Mom screamed of course and then we all began doing it to each other. Right before we left for Florida mom was discussing things we should bring on our trip. She reached down and lifted up my arms and asked what all the scars were from. I told her the cat did it and she immediately accused me of cutting myself, which I found suspicious. She dropped it and we didn't discuss it any more until this week. I learned that mom read a letter Sarah wrote me about my self-injury and that is how mom knew.

Today was the day mom found out for real what was going on. Sarah went to Mrs. Ardell and told her about my self-injury. When it came time for lunch, Sarah said she wanted to show me something and began walking me towards Mrs. Ardell's office. Right before we got there Sarah informed me that Mrs. Ardell was waiting for us. I tried turning around, but Sarah insisted that I get this over with. We walked into Mrs. Ardell's office and sat down. For the next hour Mrs. Ardell asked me what was going on that would cause me to do this to myself. I began telling her about the abuse and how it's taking over my life. I told her how it was difficult to talk to mom about everything. I explained the flashbacks and nightmares I have. She informed me that either I need to talk to mom or she is going to sit down with her. I told her I couldn't, so she planned to talk to her tomorrow and wanted me to come halfway through the period to meet with them in her office. She told me that I needed to get outside help for this. I held back the tears. Mrs. Ardell told me things would get better I just have to give it time. I had a hard time falling asleep last night dreading today. Mom was called in fifth hour. I came halfway through the period and Mrs. Ardell opened the door. Mom sat there looking very unhappy. Mrs. Ardell asked me if there was something I wanted to tell mom. Staring at the table I mumbled, “She already knows.” Mom jumped in and said, “Erin I don't understand why you are doing this to yourself. I thought everything was going good for you. Does this still have to do with the Brian thing?” Mom went on to say, “I try to make your life good and be there for you. Why are doing this?”