Stolen Fate (18 page)

Immediately following our arrival at the hospital, I’m whisked away to a private room, no doubt due to Drayden’s influence and money. There are so many things running through my mind, but the one thing I try to focus on is the survival of my baby. I pray and pray like I never have before, promising everything under the sun if it means this child will survive.

The next couple of hours are a whirlwind of activity, doctors and nurses fluttering all around me, trying to do everything they can for us.

Drayden stays by my side the entire time. I’ll be forever grateful he’s here with me while I’m poked and prodded, my modesty gone out the window in place of my overwhelming concern and love for the child who grows inside me. Who is part of me. Who is now in distress and fighting for its tiny life.

They tell me I’m in full-blown labor; nothing they can give me will stop it. I’m beyond petrified, and I don’t know what else to do but try and listen to what they’re telling me. I hear bits and pieces between the pain racking my body.

Trying to remember what I’ve read over and over in my pregnancy books, I try to recall if a baby can survive if he or she is only five months along in development.

The answer is a heartbreaking no.

“The baby is way too under-developed,” they say. “We don’t know why this happens.”

Their words swirl around in my brain, crushing my reality with their venom. And in the midst of it all, I blame myself. It’s fate’s way of telling me I deserve this, that I had this coming all along. And I try to ignore fate’s deceptive cruelness but I can’t escape it.

It’s everywhere.

It’s in the eyes of the doctor.

It’s in the voice of the nurses, trying to console me.

It’s in Drayden’s rigid posture.

It’s in his faceless mask of terror.

It’s in my screams.

Our precious baby never even takes a first breath.

Our baby is dead.

~~~~

I’m so inconsolable they have to drug me just to get me to calm down. The last thing I see are Drayden’s eyes as I drift off into a nightmare of darkness. They are red and glassy. He has been crying, mourning the loss of a baby which not five months ago, he thought was never even a possibility.

When I awake, I’m alone. I try to rise from the bed but my body hurts. I’m so sore and exhausted. Then it all comes rushing back to me. I was in labor and had to deliver. They told me the baby had died inside me, but I had to go through the delivery because it was the path my body had chosen. With every push, a piece of my short-lived happiness was thrust out of me, changing me forever.

My own body betrayed me. It had killed the only good part of me.

Now there is nothing left.

I instantly start to sob, my hands coming up to my face, trying to muffle the sounds because even I don’t want to hear them. If I bear witness to them then this is all too real. There is a quick movement from the side of the room and before I can look, Drayden grabs my hand and caresses my hair with his other one.

“Shhh, Essie. Everything will be okay. I promise.” His words do nothing to soothe the empty hole in my heart because I know he’s lying. The ache is too much. I want to escape again. I need to be forced back under.

I can’t stop my crying and the longer I go on, the more my body shakes. Drayden leaves me, whispering he’s going to get a nurse. A few minutes later she comes walking through the door, needle in hand, and sends me back under the covers of despair.

I pray for me to never resurface.

But I do. Eventually.

I don’t even know how long I’m subjected to my drug-induced haziness. It feels like days but I know it hasn’t been that long. My eyes search for the one person I want, and I find him knocked out in the chair he pulled beside the bed, his hand barely holding on to my own.

I move, letting his hand finally slip all the way off the bed. He jerks awake from the motion, instantly getting up and coming closer to me.

“How long have I been sleeping?”

He looks down at his watch then back up at me. “For about ten hours now.”

Then he’s silent, continuing to look down at my face, not quite knowing what to say to me. Hell, I don’t know what to say to him. He’s experiencing the loss of our child, as well, and is feeling just as much pain as I am.

I feel like I let him down, and I want him to know how sorry I am.

With the last amount of strength I have, I whisper, “I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Essie. Please, don’t do that to yourself.” He leans in closer so his face is mere inches away from my own. “The doctor told us it was nature’s way of saying there was something wrong. They don’t know why this happens. It just does sometimes.”

“I’m being punished, Drayden. And my punishment flowed over onto you. I’m sorry.”

I start to cry again, but this time it’s silent because my body is utterly worn out. I have no energy left to allow the actual grief still gripping my heart to escape with the vehemence it wants

We’re locked in our odd embrace when Vivian comes into the room. When she sees I’m awake, she comes over and instantly hugs me with everything she has in her. “I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so sorry.”

I find out later on his whole family has been at the hospital the entire time, only to be sent home when I was drugged back to sleep.

“Can we please have a burial for the baby?” I squeak out once Vivian releases me. Instinctually, I reach out and grab Drayden’s hand, looking for continuous support.

“Of course, sweetheart,” his mother speaks up before he can. “We’ll give your little boy a beautiful burial.”

Her words don’t register at first because my thoughts are still too consumed with the fact I actually have to make plans to bury my child.

But once my eyes lock back on Drayden, I ask him the question I wanted to really ask him all along. “It was a boy?”

He inhales a quick breath and blows it out slowly. He simply nods. “Yes. We had a son.”

His affirmation is enough to cause my body to convulse with tears again, but this time I don’t really feel them because I’m beginning to go numb. My body is in survival mode, and the numbness creeps through every cell in my being until I gaze off into the distance, not hearing anything Drayden or his mother are saying anymore.

After what seems like forever, I give in to my weariness again and fade away from my current reality, happy for the slight reprieve.

I aimlessly wander the grounds, looking for a pathway to take and explore more of Drayden’s home. I need a distraction, anything to help me focus on something else other than my own misery. I find what I’m looking for when I come across a slightly-hidden path just up ahead of me.             

It’s quite warm out, but I decide not to head back. I need to be uncomfortable for a while, even if it’s only physically.

I’ve been going through the motions for the past month, not living at all. I’m doing everything in my power to just exist. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to talk. I hardly want to eat. It takes everything in me to make sure I bathe myself every day.

Drayden has been really great about letting me stay at his home until I’m up to leaving. He didn’t have to do that and I know it. After everything I’ve put him through, I’m surprised he didn’t leave me at the hospital. But after our precious son, who we decided to name Ethan Isiah, died, I saw something in him change. Whenever I do look at him, I see some emotion flicker in his beautiful blue eyes, an emotion which might be a cousin to compassion. I’m never positive and I never ask.

It’s hard for me to interact with him, so most times I keep my distance. The guilt is too much so it’s best for the both of us if our paths only cross when necessary, when nothing else can be avoided.

Following the wooded path is a small escape from my world, almost as if I’m going on a little adventure, one which has a surprise waiting for me at the end of the trail. Maybe it’ll be a different life. Maybe it’ll be peace and serenity.

Maybe it’ll be that bitch karma scrambling to wrap her cruel arms around me, suffocating me until all breath leaves my body, releasing me from this Hell on Earth.

None of it happens. It’s just a wood trail.

The sun is beating down on my back, causing perspiration to bead between my still-swollen breasts. Eventually, I come to a clearing and stumble upon a really beautiful pasture. I feel like I’m in a totally different place and I revel in the glorious day, even though my passion for this new discovery is only a millimeter of what it normally would be.

Drayden owns a lot of land, but I don’t realize how much until I’m standing in the middle of this vast, wide-open space. There is nothing but grass, trees and wildflowers growing everywhere my eyes can take me.

What if I never go back?

What if I build a little cabin right here, smack dab in the middle of this place and never bother with another human being ever again?

What if you get back to reality, Essie?             

Deciding to indulge in my unrealistic fantasy for only a brief moment, I lie down right in the middle of the field and close my eyes. There is a comforting breeze billowing through the trees, escaping into the middle of my new hideaway.

The sun is coating my undernourished body with its warmth; its rays like a lover’s arms trying to get my mind, body and soul to accept my fate and start to live again. I drift off in the afternoon light, trying to promise myself tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow, I will stop wishing for a release and try to start the healing process, even if it’s just an imaginary Band-Aid covering a gaping wound.

I startle awake from the coolness kissing my flesh. It’s dark all around me when I finally open my eyes and I instantly scramble to my feet, afraid I’m now lost in the wilderness surrounding the house. I look from side to side, trying to see where I originally came from, but I can’t remember. I get so turned around in my own thoughts I’m really starting to panic myself. Deciding just standing in one place isn’t going to do me any good, I put one foot in front of the other and attempt to find my way back to the land of the living.

Once I leave the open clearing, I somehow find a pathway, thinking it’s the one I had initially followed earlier in the day. But I quickly find out I chose the wrong one because this path leads me around and back to where I originally started from.

Off in the distance, I hear a faint howl which sends a shiver of dread through my entire body. I’m getting cold because all I thought to dress in was a flimsy tank top and a pair of shorts. Clearly, I should have dressed better.

I shouldn’t have gone off exploring all by myself, especially in the state I’ve been in.

The howling noises are getting nearer to where I’m standing. Tears of fear instantly knock on the back of eyelids, yelling to be released. But I won’t answer them. I have to muster up some sort of strength if I’m going to get through tonight.

Where the hell is the strong, fearless woman I was months ago? Where did she take off to? Because I could use her strength right about now.

Deciding I have to try once more to find my way back, I walk until I come to another path. I take it and hope for the best. As I’m walking along, I hear what I can only assume to be wolves rustling around in the woods to my right. Then I hear them on my left.

Can life be that horrific to throw at me what it did, only to be eaten alive by some damn hungry beasts? Am I in the middle of a fairytale gone awry? Before I can give in to my budding paranoia, I see a small light off in the distance, shining between the trees, flashing back and forth rather quickly.

The air swirls around me and my name is floating on a whisper in the wind, sending instant dread deep into my core.
Is this the end? Am I going to die right here? Is that the light everyone talks about at the finality of their lives? Is the light even for me?

Then I hear my name again, but this time it’s getting closer and closer as the seconds tick by.

Finally, I hear it loud and clear. “Essie!” is shouted from somewhere off in the distance, directly in front of where I’m standing. And there it is again. “Essie!” This time, it’s followed by a bright light.

I stand still, not wanting to move for fear of what I’ll run into. But after a heart-pounding couple minutes, I realize it’s Drayden who is calling out for me. I release the pent-up fear and dismay I’m holding onto.

Once he sees me, he quickly runs the last few yards to get to me. When he reaches me, he seizes me, holds me at arm’s length to inspect me and then pulls me into his body.

“Jesus Christ, Essie! What the hell are you doing out here all by yourself?” I’m oddly comforted by his worried tone, and it’s enough for me to grasp onto his arm and pull myself even closer to him.  I’ll never get used to the effect this man has over me.

My nose is nestled close to his pulse point and he’s intoxicating. My body feels a stirring which has been missing for quite some time. He feels like home. But I have to push all of those thoughts from my mind because there can never be anything between the two of us, even if I
do
witness his subtle glances at me from time to time. For my own emotional safety, I can’t read into those looks for more than what they really are. I’m someone who has gone through a tragedy. Someone who he feels he needs to take care of until I’m better.

But will I ever actually be
better
?

I know I’m selfish, but I’m doing everything I can to keep my head above water. For the million times he’s asked me how I’m doing, not once do I ask him this in return. I know he’s hurting as much as I am, but I act like I don’t give a damn about his wellbeing. But I see it. I see it in the dark circles under his eyes and the way he carries himself. He’s even more distant than before, this time out of grief and not out of anger toward me.

Drayden gently shakes me again when I still don’t answer him. My eyes catch his in the dark and I finally find my words. “I went for a walk earlier,” I hastily say. “I fell asleep and the next thing I know, it’s dark and I couldn’t find my way back.”

“Please don’t do that again, okay? I was worried when Hedge and Donna said the last time they saw you was eight hours ago. I thought something bad had happened to you.” I know what he really means
. I thought you did something bad to yourself.
He kisses the top of my head. “You don’t know how worried I was.”

For as much as those thoughts run through my mind, I would never fatally hurt myself. Half because I simply don’t have the nerve to do it, but half because I can’t put any more pain on this man.

I don’t say anything in response; I just place my hand in his when he starts leading us out of the wooded area and back to his house. Once we’re inside, I take off toward my room. I need the warm spray of the water to help wash away the barrage of emotions I’ve just experienced in the span of thirty minutes.

I’m fully naked and ready to step into the shower when I sense movement to my left. I look over and see Drayden standing in the doorway of the bathroom. He isn’t leering at me, but he does look me up and down before landing back on my face. I know in that instant his look isn’t one of sexual desire but instead one of concern. He’s checking to see if I’m injured in any way. And of course I’m not. Not in the physical sense, at least.

We stare at each other for a few minutes more before I break the connection and step in the shower. But instead of hearing his retreating footsteps, I feel the cool breeze of the shower door being opened and then closed just as quickly. My head is bent down, letting the water cascade over my hair and down my shoulders. I don’t want to turn around. I don’t want to see that what I thought was Drayden getting into the shower with me is only really a figment of my imagination. Another fantasy messing with me.

But sure enough, I feel his warm hands circle around my waist and pull me backward until his body is resting on mine, his heated skin caressing my own. He leans down and kisses my shoulder, his lips lingering on my flesh for countless seconds. Even without me turning around I know he’s only trying to comfort me, but I can’t figure out why he’s going to this extreme. I know he feels some sort of guilt or compassion or whatever you want to call it toward me, but he’s never displayed this level of intimacy toward me.

Ever.

But I’m not going to second guess it for once. I’ll just go with it and give in. I don’t expect anything to happen and if I’m being honest, even though I’m turned on by Drayden, I don’t want to indulge in anything sexual. The act of sex is the furthest thing from my mind. But this act of intimacy he’s pushing on me is doing wonders to help soothe our wounded souls.

I want to feel closer to him, so I turn and wrap my arms around his waist. As soon as our bodies are molded together again, I start to cry. His arms tighten around me as he leans down and kisses my cheeks, trying to erase my salty tears. “Shhh, I know,” he whispers as his breath caresses my ear.

I cry harder.

When my body is done releasing my grief yet again, I still in his hold. “I’m sorry, Drayden.” My sorry is for so many things I don’t even wish to break them down. It is an all-encompassing sorry.

He doesn’t respond to my apology, instead turning me back around toward the spray of the water. Leaning down, he lifts the shampoo, pours some into his hand and starts to wash my hair. The act is so comforting and telling of what he’s trying to do for me right then and there. He follows suit with the conditioner then makes his way to the body wash.

Eventually, he spins me so I’m facing him again. He squirts a generous amount of liquid on the loofa and starts rubbing it gently against my skin. When he crouches down, I witness the way his muscles ripple as he tries to steady himself. He starts down by my feet, working his way up my body very slowly. “Open your legs for me, Ess.”

Okay, two things are off. One, he has never called me
Ess
before, so I’m a little thrown off by the affectionate nickname. And two, the fact that he asks me to open my legs should be a strike to my simmering lust. But it isn’t. He’s taking care of me in the only way he knows he can. He can’t soothe my emotional state, so he settles for my physical one.

I do as he asks and spread my legs for him. He guides the sponge up the inside of each inner thigh before slightly running it over my core. He instantly stills as he hears me gasp, but I can’t help it. It’s too much, in every way. I’m still physically recovering from what happened, but it’s more than that. That was the only bond, if you will, Drayden and I ever shared. And for him to be touching me there, in this innocent way, is a lot to deal with. I want him to stop and leave me alone but at the same time, my body is screaming for him to continue to lavish me with the only form of affection he’s been able to show me.

I close my eyes as he finishes washing me because I don’t want him to witness the raw emotion hiding behind my eyes. I don’t want him to be able to read me like a book, pushing him to take even more pity on me. No, I want to keep all of that concealed from him for as long as possible.

At one point, when I do dare to open my eyes, I’m gifted with the sight of his engorged arousal. He looks down at me and swallows forcefully. Then he simply continues washing me until he finishes.

Once he’s completely done with me, he gets out of the shower first and wraps a towel around his waist. Then he grabs one for me and holds his arms open so I can walk into them. Leading me back toward the bedroom, he helps me to bed, tucking me in but not before removing the wet towel first, leaving me naked in front of him once again.

“Dray?” I say, using his nickname.

“Yeah?”

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Tomorrow, I’m going to tell him I’m leaving. So tonight, I want to revel in his warm embrace a little while longer before it’s nothing but a distant memory.