Stolen Breaths (17 page)

“I’m going to start seeing a therapist,” I blurted when Cooper opened the door for me, surprising even myself. I hadn’t expected to blurt it out like that. I watch for his reaction but he remained silent, waiting for me to elaborate. “I realize I need help dealing with what happened to me. I would like it if you were there for me… at some of my appointments.”

And while I was realizing things, I also realized that I was taking a very odd interest in pea gravel, since I found myself staring at a ton of it at my feet. I closed my mouth and patiently waited for Cooper to respond.

He simply looked down at me, and with his thumb and forefinger lifted my chin up to him. “Tell me where and when, and I’m there. I’m always there, wherever you need me.”

It was beautiful – the sound. It was like what you would imagine a heart in love would sound like if it could sing the emotions deep inside aching to get out. The music was so… tender. I didn’t recognize it. My heart, if possible, felt tongue tied. I opened my eyes and saw Cooper with his guitar in his lap sitting on the edge of the bed. We were in my room. I must have fallen asleep. It was movie night, and we’d decided to watch movies at my house. His eyes were closed and he was playing a slow and beautiful melody that tore at my heart. For a moment I wondered if he was sad. The look on his face was almost painful. He stopped playing and reached over to write something down with the pencil he had tucked behind his ear.

“Cooper?” I whispered.

He turned to face me. “What, baby?”

“What are you doing?”

“Just working on something.” He picked the guitar off his lap and set it next to the bed. “You were restless again, so I played you a lullaby and it seemed to help. I’ve been sitting here ever since watching over you.”

“You’ve been here the whole time?”

“I told you I wouldn’t leave.”

It was my first therapy session. Dr. Connelly sat across from me writing in her notebook while I talked about what had happened five years ago, only telling her that it happened, but not able to give details about any of it.

“Why are you here, Lily? Tell me what you hope to get out of therapy.” Her tone was casual, but to the point.

“I don’t know exactly,” I answered honestly. “I need to accept it on some level so I can move on. I guess I’ve been living half a life. I shut it out… turned it off… pretended that it didn’t happen to me. Now I have started having nightmares, only they seem more like memories.”

“When did the nightmares start, Lily?”

“Two months ago.”

“What happened two months ago?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did something scare you or make you uncomfortable?”

“Yes. A man came up to me when I was sitting with my boyfriend and our friends. He didn’t even say anything that would make me afraid, but I was terrified. He was actually complimenting me on the song Cooper and I sang together."

“Cooper is your boyfriend?”

I nodded my head.

“Why do you think this man scared you?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never even seen him before.”

“Tell me exactly what he said to you, Lily.”

“He said, ‘
That was some performance, little girl.’”

“That’s it? That’s all he said?”

“That’s it. Ridiculous, huh? I told you he didn’t say anything that should make me freak out and have a panic attack, but that’s exactly what happened. I was stricken with fear.”

“Has anything like this ever happened to you before?”

“No,” I answered flatly. “I mean, I always feel nervous and uncomfortable in my own skin, but I’ve never felt like that before.”

“So is that when the nightmares started?”

“Yes. The first one was that night after we went back to Cooper’s house.”

“Tell me about the nightmare you had that night.”

I told her about being held down and pinned underneath someone. I told her about feeling pain, and I told her about smelling stale cigarettes and alcohol.

“Do you remember if the man holding you down said anything to you?”

“Yeah. He said, ‘
what do you think you’re doing, little girl?’
He also called me a bitch and told me he would kill me.”

She was taking notes and nodding her head every so often, letting me know she was listening. “Little girl,” she said.

“Huh?”

“Before, you said the man that spoke to you that night after you sang said, ‘
That was some performance, little girl’.
And just now you said the man in your nightmare also referred to you as
‘little girl’
. Maybe it was that phrase that triggered your fears, causing you to start remembering things. With you, it came by way of nightmares. How many nightmares have you had since then?”

“Almost every night now.”

“Have you talked about it with Cooper?”

“Do you mean have I told him the specifics of them? No. He only knows I’m having them.”

“Why not, Lily?”

“He worries too much about me already. I don’t want to burden him with any more than I have to.”

“Has he asked you to talk to him about it?”

“Yes. I tell him I don’t want to talk about it.”

“How long have you known Cooper?”

“I’ve known
him
for four months. He’s known
me
for five years,” I said, then went on to tell her about that.

“I see,” she said. “So Cooper is
already
involved in this, Lily. He saw part of what happened to you. He knows how long it took you to recover – physically. Why don’t you think you can talk to him about this?”

“It’s not that I don’t think I
can
. It’s…” my voice trailed off. “That day changed Cooper too. If I can spare him any more about it then I will.”

“He’s trying to protect you, and you’re trying to protect him. Have you considered talking to him, and letting him decide what he can handle?”

“Yeah. I mean, I want to talk to Cooper, but I – I don’t want to burden him anymore.”

“Is that how you think Cooper will see it? Like a burden?”

If I was being honest with myself I would have to say no. I shook my head but kept my eyes trained on the coffee table that separated Dr. Connelly and myself.

“You keep using the word
burden
. Do you see yourself as a burden, Lily?”

Did I?
“I don’t know. Maybe. I feel like I’ve been carrying a huge weight around my neck for years, and I’ve always felt like it was my load to carry. It doesn’t seem fair to ask someone else to help with that.”

“I see.” Dr. Connelly waited a minute or two before she responded. I think she wanted me to think about what I just said. Finally she spoke up. “Lily, ask yourself this, if the roles were reversed what would you want Cooper to do?”

I sighed heavily. “I would want him to talk to me. I would want to know.” I made sure to add, “I asked him if he would mind coming to some of my appointments. Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“What do you think?”

“I think I would like him here with me.”

“Maybe you should bring him on your next appointment.”

“Okay,” I said, getting up to leave. “I guess we’ll see you next week.”

“I’ll see you both then. In the meantime, think about what we talked about.”

I lay there looking at Cooper, seeing the worry on his face and I remember the words of Dr. Connelly. I took Cooper’s hand and rested it over my heart.

“I want to tell you about my dreams.”

“I’m listening,” he said, leaning in. He stared at his hand pressed against my chest, no doubt feeling the rhythm of my pounding heart.

“I think they’re… memories.” I looked at his face to see his reaction. He closed his eyes and sighed. He hung his head and a flicker of what looked like pain flashed across his face. This was what I wanted to prevent, but I’d already started it so I needed to finish. “I remember only bits and pieces. The things I’m remembering are like flashes really.”

Cooper kept his hand on my heart but scooted closer to me. He took my other hand and held it to his heart. “Keep going,” he choked out.

I took a breath. “I remember being thrown on the ground and a man’s body being on top of me. I don’t know what happened right before. In the dreams I can smell him though, and I remember feeling pain everywhere. It’s all still fuzzy and like I said, it’s only bits and pieces.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew what it would do to you. I see the pain in your eyes now, and I wanted to spare you any more pain if I could.” A tear trickled down my cheek and I huffed in exasperation. I was
so
sick of crying.

Cooper tightened his hold around my hand that clung to his heart. “Don’t hold back from me, Lily. Don’t not tell me things because you want to spare me. That’s the one thing I can’t handle. I can handle everything else, but not you hurting alone. I can’t.” He swept his hand behind my neck and brought me to him to cradle me in his arms. “I’m here, beautiful girl. Let me be here for you.”

“I will. I’m sorry. I just – “

“Shhh. You’ve done nothing wrong. I think we’re on the same page now. We’ll do this together. You and me.”

“Dr. Connelly wants you to come with me on my next appointment.”

Cooper laughed. “I was going to tell you I was coming on your next appointment whether you invited me or not.”

I looked up at him, thinking how wonderful it felt to have Cooper hold me in his arms. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

“You’re not asking the right question.”

“And what is the right question?”

“What did I ever do to deserve
you?
”

“You know I love you like I can’t breathe love you, right?”

“I do. But do you know that I love you even more than that?” He gently laid me back against my pillow, holding himself up above me. Peppering me with soft kisses all along my face and neck he sang softly…

“That’s beautiful. Did you write that?” Tears pricked my eyes. His low and sultry voice aroused feelings in me that I was amazed hadn’t surfaced yet, but he always seemed to manage to conjure even more emotions in me that shouldn’t even be possible.

“Mmm-hmm…”

“I love you. So much.”

“Clearly not as much as I love you though,” he said jokingly while smoothing my hair.

“What? I could write a song too, ya know. Should I start wooing you now?”

“You don’t need to woo me. I’m already wooed.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know, but I want you to know how much you mean to me. Sometimes I don’t feel like words are ever enough.”

“You’re enough, Lil. I know you love me. You don’t have to write me a song or do anything or be anyone other than yourself.
You
are enough.”