Stilettos & Stubble (29 page)

‘
I
owe you
no
explanation as to who I am or why I’m here but I’ll give you one
anyway.’  He moved in closer to my mother, wincing slightly as he did so, and
as he turned we realised that the back of his gown was gaping, revealing two
pert little buttocks.  I saw Tittie bite his lip to stop his giggles as Annie
continued.  ‘
I
have grown to love your daughter over the past few months
- she’s a gal to be proud of - but
you
wouldn’t see that.  She’s smart,
feisty, funny and has a heart of gold.  In short, she’s a credit to her father
- a man I’ve also become very fond of. 
You
on the other hand, you
po-faced cow, are a conniving, self-centred, scheming bitch and are unable to take
any
credit for having such a fine daughter.  Now I don’t think you’ve
heard us correctly, we’ve asked you to leave.  Please do so.’

My mother flushed
beetroot red and opened and closed her mouth repeatedly.

Obviously knowing
that she was beaten, she turned on her Kurt Geiger heels and fled from the
ward.

She must have heard the cackles and guffaws ringing in her ears all
the way down the corridors.

Annie flopped
down on the bed next to my dad, flinching as he grabbed his groin area.  ‘Oh
shit!  Move over Gordon.  Me bollocks are killing me!’

My dad looked at
Annie with tears of laughter in his eyes and patted the bed next to him. 
‘After
that
performance Annie, my man … for
you? 
Anything!’

Chapter
Twenty-Nine

We trundled our
way back to the Underground station, singing, laughing and occasionally breaking
into a conga.  What an odd bunch we must have looked - but none of us cared. 
We were drunk with happiness.  My dad was on the mend and wanted to make an
investment in the club - there was now the faintest glimmer of hope.  There was
no way we were out of the woods yet, but it would give us some much needed
breathing space.

Standing on the
packed tube, Tittie managed to get the whole carriage of commuters singing, ‘Jingle
Bell Rock’ and all around us people were smiling and joining in the fun.

Workers who had
been heading wearily home, loaded down with shopping and gifts, were suddenly
caught up in our euphoria.  Many of them would have finished their last day
before the break and would be looking forward to spending time with families
and loved ones.  The impromptu singalong with the crazy drag queens would
probably be a story they’d recount as they carved the turkey or sipped mulled
wine with neighbours.

Every passenger
in that carriage would have been touched in some way by the joy that Tittie and
the girls spread.

I know
I
was. 
But there was one tiny part of me that the joy refused to touch.  A part that
would never be truly happy.

*****

We were still in
high spirits as we approached the club.  Tittie had declared that we would all
drink champagne when we got back and then the girls would begin to prepare for
the show of their lives.

‘We’ll sing like
never before, dance like Ginger Rogers and have the comic timing of …’  He
trawled through his brain for a comedian who fitted the bill.  ‘Oh I don’t
know!  Someone very funny!  But
we
, my gals, are gonna make it the best
ever.’

Tittie was the
first to descend the rickety stone steps to the club, with the girls following
snake-like behind and me at the back.  We were eager to get into the warm and
start supping at the promised champers.

Suddenly our
human train jolted to a halt and I stumbled on the step, bumping into Lubov in
front of me.  ‘What the …?’  I said as I rubbed my ankle and balanced on my
step.  ‘Get a move on Lube, I need a wee.’

The queens had
gone totally silent and I craned my neck around to see what was going on at the
front.  Then I heard Tittie say, ‘Get off my doorstep, you heart-breaker and
take your buggering flowers with you. 
Nobody
upsets
our
Percy.’

*****

I pushed my way
past the girls to get to the front door and there, bundled in a tweed coat, scarf,
and a beanie pulled over his ears, was Luke.  He was clutching the most
enormous bouquet I’d ever set eyes on and looked positively chilled to the
bone.

In contrast, my
heart melted at the sight of him as I began to experience a warm glow.

Tittie looked
from Luke to me and then back to Luke.  ‘I’ve told you.  Piss off.  We don’t
want frozen turds loitering on our doorstep.’

Luke eased himself
off the step, stretching his legs and stomping his feet on the ground to regain
feeling.  He came towards me with a wobbly smile.  ‘Five minutes, Perce.  Just
give me five minutes and then I’ll go.’  His eyes looked deep into mine,
imploring.  ‘Please.’

Tittie placed a
hand on my arm.  ‘You don’t have to listen to him.  Vi will chuck him off the
premises if you want, won’t you Vi?’

Vi nodded and
looked terrified, clearly hoping he wouldn’t have to and wondering why Tittie
had lumbered
him
with the job.

I shook my head,
my eyes still locked with Luke’s.  ‘No Tittie, it’s fine.  I’ll give him five
minutes.’

I heard Lubov
emit a little squeal and add, ‘Vot vunderful!’

*****

The girls allowed
us the privacy of the office.  Tittie gave me a glass of champagne but
pointedly ignored Luke and left him drinkless.  I smiled nervously at him as Tittie
left and closed the door. ‘Sorry!’  I shrugged my shoulders.  ‘They’re a bit
protective of me, even if they don’t know the whole story, and they’re not big
on subtlety.’

I realised that I
was still wearing my heavy winter coat and fur hat and I wracked my brains to
recall what I was wearing underneath - to determine if it was safe for me to
disrobe.  Then I remembered - the pretence was over.  No more façade.  But, as
it happened, I had my best leggings on teamed with one of Lubov’s trendy tunic
tops and some rather sexy boots - I looked pretty good.  Not fake or phoney -
just Percy on a together day.

‘Why wouldn’t you
answer my calls, Perce?  I wanted to talk to you.’

‘I didn’t see the
point.  We were over.  No point dragging things out.’

He pulled his
beanie off and ran his hands through his messed up hair.  My pulse quickened. 
He
still
had it and he could
still
do it for me - this was not
good.  That way madness lay.  I’d need to harden myself and come out of this as
unscathed as possible.

‘I needed to talk
to you, Perce, because I wanted to come clean and explain that I haven’t been
entirely honest with you.’

I gulped apprehensively,
wondering if I’d want to hear what came next.  ‘That’s what they always say on
that ‘Secret Millionaire’ programme.’  I attempted a fake Scottish accent. 
‘Och, I’ve nae been entirely honest wi’ ya.  I’m nae a recovering drug addict,
I wanna gi’ ya a cheque for twenty squillion quid.’

Luke dropped to
his knees and rested his hands on my lap with mine.  ‘That’s not as far from
the truth as you might imagine.’

I looked at him
and frowned.  He wasn’t making sense and if I got nothing else from this chat,
I needed
that
.  Sense and closure.

‘I think you’d
better start talking, Luke.  The queens won’t keep their powdered noses out forever
and you’ve just totally confused me.’

He stood up and
began to pace.  ‘I accused you of being fake and I’m truly sorry.  I
did
want to make you see that you didn’t need all the lippie and plastic bits and
bobs but I went the wrong way about it.  I
should
have said that I love
you just the way you are - crazy, messy, natural and a bit dippy.  I
should
have said that you look your sexiest when you’re in your tatty old dungarees
with dirt on your nose and dust in your hair.  But I didn’t.  I stuffed up.’

My brain was
filing words, chucking out some of them and hugging others to my heart. 
Love? 
Sexy?  They
were good ones to keep.  I liked
those!

Luke was talking
again and I needed to get my focus back.  To stop clinging onto just those two
words.

‘But the worst
part of it was, while I was accusing you,
I
was actually guilty of it
myself.  I’ve been an idiot, Perce.  Living a lie.  And it robbed me of the one
thing I love most in my life.  You.’

There was that
love
word again!  But, hang on! 
Living a lie? 
That didn’t sound so good.

‘OK, Luke.  Spit
it out.  You’re married with six kids aren’t you?’

‘No Percy.  I’m
not.  Although I
would
like to be one day.’  His eyes did that infuriating,
twinkly, sparkly thing and another piece of me surrendered inside.  ‘I’m a very
successful property developer.  Very.  I’m not unemployed, I’m not penniless
and I’m not proud of how I’ve led you on.’

I looked at him
and squinted my eyes, trying to assimilate his words.  ‘Why would you lie? 
What would be the point?’

He sat opposite
me and took my glass, stealing a sip of my bubbles.  ‘When women find out about
my money, they hang on for dear life.  They hone in on the bank account, the
houses and the potential holidays and they drag me round shops for handbags,
shoes and shiny bits of crap.  So I made up my mind to … well to be a fake, I
guess, until I found the woman of my dreams.  Until I knew that somebody loved
me for
me
and not for my dosh.  Does that make any sense?’

I nodded.  If you
were a bloke with a little bit of money, I guess that would get quite annoying.

‘But then I fell
for you, Perce.  Really fell.  And I panicked.  I took out all my anger and frustration
on you when I saw you trying to act like all the other bimbos.  I blamed you
for everything so that I could get off scot-free.  I hope you’ll forgive me.’

How could I not,
with a heartfelt plea like that?

‘I
do
forgive
you, Luke.  Don’t give it another thought.’

‘That’s just it,
Perce.  I think we need to be giving it
lots
of thought.  I’ve been
sitting back, watching the club suffer and all of you become more and more
miserable when I could have been doing something to help.’  He lifted my chin
to force me to look him straight in the eye.  ‘I heard you all that day when
you were saying what The Glove meant to you.  I’d come to talk to you but you
were all in a meeting, trying to save the club.’

I thought back to
that day.  We’d heard the door close but Dave had been unable to find anyone
there.  Luke had been there, listening to our mixed bag of stories!

‘I was too
worried about what people would think of me.’  He continued.  ‘
Investing in
a drag club?  Not exactly macho is it? 
But no more.  I don’t give a shit
what anyone thinks.  I want to buy this building outright and give it a
complete makeover.  That’s if Annie will let me.’

I felt the bubble
of a giggle begin to build and it gradually gave way to hysterical laughter. 
‘Buy? Outright?  Makeover?  Do you
know
what this building’s worth?’

‘Yes, Percy.  I
do.  I’ve been doing my homework and I mean every word of it.’  Luke looked
determined and resolute.

‘But …’  I
struggled to find the right words - to pose my question without sounding nosey
or being told to mind my own business.  I decided the direct approach was the
best.  ‘Just how much money do you
actually
have?’

Luke laughed and
stroked my cheek.  ‘At last!  A straightforward question that I can give an
honest answer to.  No more lies.  No more secrets.’  He took a deep breath and
studied me for my reaction.  ‘Somewhere in the region of fifty million quid.’

*****

I vaguely registered
Tittie, Lady, Vi, Ma and Lubov falling through the closed door where they had
clearly been ear-wigging and then making a pathetic show of pretending it had been
an accident.

Offering a weak
excuse reminiscent of Fawlty Towers, Lady claimed that they were fixing the
lock and Vi and Ma agreed enthusiastically, bashing the door and fiddling with
the knob.

Lubov stated
honestly, ‘Ve was spyingk.’  And Tittie screamed, ‘Marry him.  Marry him!’

Luke smiled
good-naturedly.  ‘Oh you
like
me now, do you Tittie?  You’re just like
all the gals, only after me for my money.’

Tittie look
mock-shocked and slapped a hand on his partly padded bosom.  ‘I’ve
always
liked you, Luke.  I just wanted to see you do the right thing by our Perce.’ 
He handed him a glass of champagne, now obviously forgiven.  ‘And from that
moving speech you just delivered, I reckon you’re doing just fine.’

‘Oh the speech
that you
weren’t
listening to, eh?’  Luke joked.

‘Well …’  Tittie
patted his wig, complete with rollers.  ‘I may have heard snippets but then I
do
have exceptionally acute hearing.  One needs to as a performing artiste,
don’t you know?’