Sticks and Stones (6 page)

She put her coffee down and then set the table, slowly, for one. Placemat, cereal, bowl, even vitamin tablets. And then stared at it, feeling miserable, and irritated because she had
made
herself feel miserable. But it was so much more than the mere absence of Sam and Ashley, it was the not knowing. What they were doing, who they were with, how they were coping.
That
was unbearable, and it no longer really helped to repeat the refrain
a couple of days
, because a couple of days of this was still hell on earth.

By late morning Maddie acknowledged that taking the day off had probably been a mistake. The bustling preoccupation of other people's concerns would have been a blessing. Instead, as the day wore on, the house seemed to get larger and quieter. She started off by making a list of things to get done but got no further than the first two items: ringing Georgia's mother to make an excuse for the coming weekend, and then calling the high school to let them know Sam and Ashley would be absent for a few days, most probably the remainder of the term. But the next item was to make some phone calls for legal advice and she found herself unwilling both to hear what they had to say and for them to hear her story. How could she ever explain?

Hi, my name is Madeline McCourt and . . . well, actually no, that's not strictly accurate. My name is really Matilda Hampton but I changed it about six years ago. No, not legally. Why? Um, because around that time I left my husband for a trial separation and then, just when he thought we were getting back together, I shot through with the two kids. Changed their names too. Everything. And yesterday he finally found us, so now I need help. Yes, he'd been trying to find us all that time. That's right – six years. Why did I do it? Oh, because he was . . . abusive. Proof? No, not really, except I do have some photos of injuries except I suppose that doesn't prove he caused them. And how do you provide proof for all the mental stuff? I mean that's all still here, you know, it never goes away. Intervention orders? Well, yes there was one but it was actually against
me
, not him. He just got in first, manipulated the system. No, I don't know why I never got one. Or rang the police, or visited the doctor, or told anyone. Parenting orders? Yes, we did have a date for a hearing coming up, but I left before that. I was worried he'd manipulate the system. Like with the intervention order. So what advice do I need? Why, how to make sure I get them back, that's all. And how to keep them away from him again. Yes, I know how that makes me sound but you don't understand. See, he was always one step ahead of me, always, so that's why I had to run. But now . . . well, now he's caught up.

Maddie shook her head and laughed, but without any humour. She thought of some of her fellow workers at the community centre, and what they would say if they heard her story. For all their training and experience, it was so easy to be judgemental about the way other pe ople should behave when you yourself had never been in that position. How many times had she heard variations of the proclamation that if Tom, or Dick, or Harry, ever dared lay a hand on them, well, they'd be out of there like a shot. Always clear evidence that Tom, or Dick, or Harry, were lovely men and their wives didn't have a clue what they were talking about.

So she decided instead to leave that side of things to Hannah. After all, her son-in-law, Charlotte's husband Nicholas, was a lawyer. And, besides, Maddie had a growing conviction that while legal advice would be handy, it wasn't the priority Hannah thought it was. She already knew she hadn't done anything strictly illegal when she'd left six years ago. Morally reprehensible perhaps, but illegal, no. It wasn't like she had entered into any contracts using different names. The most she could expect would be a slap on the wrist for enrolling the children at school as Ashley and Sam. That and, of course, a great deal of embarrassment.

But if Jake applied for parenting orders now? She mulled it over and decided that he wouldn't take the risk. Not with Sam and Ashley being older and entitled to have their opinions voiced and heard. Which meant that eventually, after the initial anger wore off a little, they would have to come to some sort of agreement between themselves. Weekend access, time during the school holidays, that sort of thing. The type of arrangement that her friend Kim had lived with for the past three years. Would that be so bad? Maddie got up and washed her hands. Through the window she could see Tom, her neighbour, rolling his wheelie-bin down the driveway. Life as usual. Guess nuzzled his head against her leg so Maddie crouched down to give him a pat.

‘You miss them too, hey?'

Guess stared at her and then blinked, as if he was trying to tell her he understood. Maddie took his head in both her hands and lowered her own until their foreheads were touching. She suddenly felt like crying again but instead she ruffled his fur and then straightened. This wouldn't do. She left the list and went down to the bathroom where she peeled her pyjamas off and turned the shower on. The water felt instantly blissful; almost cathartic. Maddie decided spontaneously to give herself the works. She washed her hair and then shaved carefully before stepping outside the spray while she lathered herself with body treatment, counting methodically to sixty before stepping back underneath and watching the soap cascade down her body, forming frothy rivulets on shiny legs.

After the shower, Maddie stood naked before the full-length mirror and stared at herself. Her body shone damply and her short hair tufted in wet spikes that looked deliberate. It was clear that she was carrying a little extra weight nowadays, but thankfully it was not centred in any particular area. More a general roundness where once all had been flat and sleek. She rubbed her arms and then put a hand underneath one breast and lifted it, trying to measure both size and firmness.
More than a handful's a waste
 . . . She measured the other one also and then laughed at herself, standing there with a hand cupping each breast while all else was on full display. She let go and then tracked herself from head to toe. Really, had she changed so much in six years?

And there he was, his face suspended above hers. Staring at her with a soft wonderment that penetrated deep within. Both of their bodies poised, just for a second, dancing along the edges of orgasm. Then she arched, straining, her breasts pressing themselves against his chest before he began to move once more. Slowly at first, but then faster. Her groin melting into a miasma of love and lust that made them as one.

Maddie pressed her fingertips against her eyes, hard, and then let go. Enjoying the pain that came with a kaleidoscope of iridescence. She ran a hand gently over her chin while she stared at her eyes in the mirror. To her they seemed wounded, yet adept at subterfuge. She shook her head, almost irritated, and then dressed in tracksuit pants and a T-shirt before leaving the bathroom just as the phone rang. Her heart instantly clenched.

‘Hello?'

‘Mattie? Everything okay? Have you heard from the kids?'

Maddie swallowed a sigh at the sound of her sister's voice. ‘No, nothing new.'

‘But you took the day off?'

‘Yes, it seemed like a good idea. Gives me time to think.'

‘Good, good. Now listen, I just thought I'd let you know that I've got Nicholas coming over here tonight. I mean, he's not in family law but at least he'll know
something
. It's a start.'

‘That's great, Hannah. Thanks.'

‘And I was thinking that you really should come down here too. So we can have a sort of round-table discussion with him. Discuss options.'

Maddie felt instantly horrified at the thought. ‘I can't. Sorry. I mean, I'd really like to but I've got a meeting first thing tomorrow that I can't miss. Otherwise definitely, I'd be there.'

‘Oh.' Hannah sounded disappointed. ‘Oh well, can't be helped. I'll find out what I can and speak to you tomorrow. But listen, one other thing, where did you hear about recovery orders?'

‘Recovery orders? Oh, someone mentioned them. At work. Why?'

‘Because thank god Jake never knew about them, that's all I can say.' Hannah spoke rapidly, officiously. ‘I looked them up online, and as far as I can gather they're not common but he could have applied for one when you didn't show for the original parenting order hearing, six years ago. Which means the court might make an order the children be returned and then authorise the Australian Federal Police to locate them. And after a period of time they can even issue a –'

‘Warrant,' interjected Maddie flatly.

‘That's right. I'd never even
heard
of these. Mattie, you could have been arrested, thrown in jail. This could have been serious,
real
serious.'

‘As opposed to the light-hearted frolic it is now?'

‘You know what I mean,' replied Hannah, sounding irritated. ‘It could have been
worse
. And if he'd known about these, it absolutely
would
have been worse.'

‘Yes. You're right.' Maddie closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. ‘Look, thanks so much Hannah, and if you could pass on anything you find out, that'd be great. Really appreciated.'

‘No problem.'

Maddie put the phone down, feeling cold. All these years when she thought her greatest danger was from Jake, she could have also had the federal police on her tail. So why, then, hadn't he applied for one of these recovery orders? No doubt she would have been found a lot earlier, and her punishment would have been severe. Perhaps the kids would have been handed over without the need for any further legal action at all. On the surface it seemed like the recovery order would have been a tactical masterstroke for him. Checkmate, without having to barely move a piece. So why on earth had he chosen not to?

Maddie sat down on the edge of the couch as she ran through a series of scenarios in her mind. Discarding the ones that hadn't eventuated or that made no sense, until she was left with only one explanation – that, unbelievable as it seemed, he hadn't
wanted
to see her punished. Could that be true? Or did she just want it, desperately, to be true? That maybe he felt some responsibility for the situation that had eventuated. The thought brought with it a rush of warmth and wonder. Because that decision, made six years earlier, had huge ramifications, not just in terms of what had already gone, but for what was about to pass. Surely having taken the high road once, Jake would be inclined to do so again. Which meant that perhaps, after he had spent some time with the kids and had a chance to calm down and accept the situation, they would be able to come to some type of compromise. A workable solution that was good for everyone – including, this time, Jake himself.

∗

The rest of the day passed slowly, limping along in a way that it hadn't for years. Maddie spent most of the afternoon in the garden, planting and pruning and feeling soothed by the way the rich, dark earth crumbled between her fingers. The phone lay by her side, but didn't ring. Afterwards, she made herself coffee and a toasted cheese sandwich and lay on the couch with Guess sprawled half across her lap while she read through the collection of newspapers on the coffee table. The television murmured in the background; a medical drama followed by a cooking show featuring a rather flamboyant chef. Once more, the phone lay mute beside her.

Dusk had started to shade the windows by the time she finished and Maddie debated over ringing Sam herself. Eventually deciding against it because that might seem smothering, and rather greedy, given the circumstances. She didn't want to offend more than she already had, not if there was to be any chance of them working this out. So instead she sat down at the computer and, after reciting the motivational saying twice, turned it on and began systematically cleaning out her inbox, deleting all but the bare essentials. While she was doing this, an email dropped in from Kim.

Hey there, just got home from work and thought I'd send a quick email to ask – is everything okay? You sounded really short on the phone last night and quite unlike you. Is it something I've done? Or is it something else? If you want to talk, you know where I am.

Love, Kim

Maddie read the email through twice, feeling an oddly congruent mix of guilt and irritation. She tapped her fingers lightly across the keys, without actually typing, but the phone rang before she could decide how best to answer. Maddie grabbed it up.

‘Hello?'

‘Hey Mum. How're you?'

‘Sam.' Maddie closed her eyes briefly. ‘How are things? What's happening?'

‘Not much. But everything's cool.'

Maddie frowned as she tried to decipher his tone. ‘Really?'

‘Really.' Sam sounded almost surprised. ‘We went to town today. To the docklands and around there. Had lunch at some Asian joint. Good food.'

‘Oh. Okay. How's your sister?'