Stepbrother With Benefits 16 (Third Season) (10 page)

Seriously, though...

"Did you really bring me Ronald and Donald?" I ask him.

"It's technically Ronaldo," Ronald says.  "Everyone calls me Ronald for short, though."

I blink.  A lot.  I don't know what the fuck else to do but blink and stare and wonder how my life has come to this.

I need to stop.  I need to take control and get this bad boy class rolling again.  These guys are seriously probably the worst.  If I can teach them how to find the girls of their dreams, then I can probably do anything.  I'm pretty sure this will be my greatest achievement ever, or at least the start to one.

I mean, if anything, they're probably not bad guys, right?  I think that's the most important part.  I don't want to work with a bunch of assholes who just want to find a girl to screw around with and then be an asshole to her.  I get how this sounds hypocritical, and to that I'm just going to tell you to shut the fuck up please.

"Ronald, we're going to call you Ron for now.  But if you prove your worth, I'll up your status, alright?  You could become Don Ron.  Cool, right?"

"Whoa," he says.  "Don Ron."

"High five, Don Ron!" Donald Jefferson says to him.

"You put your goddamn fucking hand down right now," I tell him.  "No calling him Don Ron.  That's reserved for the future Ron who is a badass.  I don't want to get your hopes up, kid, but right now none of you are badasses."

"As for you, fucking... Scotch Tape?  Seriously, dude.  Maybe it's cool on some internet video game music forums, but it's not going to work for most girls.  And by most girls, I mean, like... there might be two in the entire world and they live in some obscure country in Africa with a name you can't pronounce."

"I've been flirting with a few girls on the forums, actually, and I think it's going well," he says to me.

"Have you had sex with them?" I ask him.  "Have you even met them in real life?  Have you physically touched them?  Do you even know what they look like?"

"What would you define 'sex' as?" he asks me.

I'm done.  I turn to Caleb.  "Caleb, why do you hate me?" I ask him.

"What?  I don't!" he says.  "Ethan, I told him it was dumb."

Ugh.  Just... fucking, ugh.

"Alright, look, I'm going to try and help you here, but you need to calm down with this video game music stuff, alright?" I tell the kid who wants me to define 'sex' for him.  "We're going to lose the first name.  You're going to be Jefferson from now on.  It's got a smooth ring to it.  Kind of classy, but approachable."

"Don Jeff?" he asks me.

I stare at him hard, saying nothing.

He mumbles an apology.  "Sorry."

"What about me?" Caleb asks.  "I don't get a new name?"

"Caleb's a fine name," I tell him.  "Also, I already know what you're going for.  The girl you're interested in seems to like your name, so it's cool.  You're good, Caleb.  Don't worry about it."

That seems to work.  Caleb puffs up his chest like he's accomplished something amazing here.  I don't have it in me to tell him that his parents just didn't pick a dumb name.  I mean, not that Ronaldo or Donald are dumb, don't get me wrong, but... listen, I just need some better names to work with here.  I don't want these guys fighting against the odds.

It doesn't even matter, either.  First impressions are everything, but then when a girl likes you she'll call you whatever the fuck she wants.  And you let her, because that's how this works.  Don't ever fucking question it.  It's just one of the rules of engagement or something.

"Now that we've got all that settled," I tell them.  "We're going to work on our introductions.  This is the hardest and easiest part.  It's hard because you can't always just go up and introduce yourself to a girl without doing some extra work beforehand, but it's easy because you're going to make it look smooth as silk.  For now, we're just going to follow the three second rule.  Anyone know what that is?"

Caleb holds his pencil in one hand, looking seriously disappointed that he can't write any of this down.

Ron raises his hand, until I glare at him, then he puts his hand down and talks like a regular person instead of waiting for me to call on him.

"Is that like the five second rule?" he asks.  "Where if you drop food on the floor you have five seconds to pick it up?"

"No," I say.  "Actually that's not even close to the same."

"Oh," he says, frowning.

"The three second rule is this," I say.  "When you see a girl you want to talk to for the first time, you count to three, and then you go do it.  That's it.  No waiting.  You don't sit there and think about what to say.  You don't wait for an opening, or a better time.  You don't think about it too much.  You just go up and do it.  Got it?"

"What do you say when you go up to her, though?" Jefferson asks me.

"That's the thing," I tell him.  "You just say whatever you want.  Say something nice.  Don't use cheesy pick up lines.  Every attractive girl has heard them five times over.  Unless you can say it in a fun and interesting way, just stay the fuck away from anything like that."

"So I can ask her if she likes video game music?" he asks.

Why?
  I don't understand.  What did I do, Caleb?  Why are you doing this to me?  Why did you bring these guys here?

"No," I say, after calming down a little.  "You can say anything except that.  Unless you happen to be somewhere that this would make sense to mention.  I don't know where the fuck that would be.  Even then, I'm pretty fucking sure you could say a million other better things, so I really don't recommend fucking around with that kind of first line.  This is your first impression, kid.  Do you understand what that means?"

He looks at me, unsure.

"Do any of you understand what that means, actually?" I ask.  "This is important.  We should get it out of the way now before it's too late."

No one does.  They all stare at me like I'm some sage full of wisdom and wonder.

"First impressions are important, because it basically decides everything.  Yeah, you can change a few things later on, but the first impressions are the easiest ones.  They make or break you.  In this case, with girls, it basically means she's going to consider sleeping with you within the first few seconds of meeting you."

"That can't be true," Caleb says.  "Not every girl has one night stands like that, Ethan."

"I didn't say a one night stand, Caleb," I say.  "I said she's going to consider it.  She's not going to act on it, at least probably not.  I mean, yeah, if you're really smooth, then you could get it to work.  That's not what we're going for here.  If I ever find out that any of you guys use any of this shit to fuck around and be an asshole, then I'm going to kick your ass myself.  Understand?"

They gulp and nod.  Except Caleb, who probably couldn't be an asshole if he tried.  Also, I'm pretty sure he couldn't have a one night stand if he tried, either.  It's cool.  I don't really recommend them.  They're not the worst ever, but the really good sex comes later.  Like... maybe the third time?  No one ever has a three night stand.  That doesn't even make any fucking sense whatsoever.

"I'm not saying you can't just enjoy yourselves," I add, for, uh... clarification or something.  "Just don't go out somewhere with the intent of being a dick.  If you're having a good time with a girl and she invites you back to her place, and things progress, but then you find out later that she doesn't really want anything serious, and maybe you realize it won't work out for either of you, then, whatever.  It happens.  Don't expect it to happen, though.  Let it be like, uh... a happy little surprise or something.  Like the toy in your box of cereal."

"Wait, I think I know what you mean," Ron says.  "Is it like when you buy a box of Lucky Charms, but then there was a mistake at the factory, and you open it up and it's just all marshmallows?"

"Yes!  Ron, you're fucking amazing.  I'm glad you understand.  That's exactly how it is.  You don't expect an entire box of marshmallows, right?  You were just in the cereal aisle having fun and getting some cereal, but then, BAM!  You bring it back to your place and it's an entire fucking box of marshmallows."

"What if we want to have relationships, though?" Jefferson asks me.

"That's a good question," I tell him.  "I'm glad you guys are taking this seriously.  If you want to have a relationship with a girl, then my main advice is that you don't
have
to have sex with anyone.  I get that sounds weird, but hear me out.  If you just want to go out dancing or whatever the fuck and you meet a girl and she invites you back to her place, you can go if you want.  Or not.  You don't have to go, alright?  Even if you do go, you don't have to have sex with her."

I don't know how to explain this, so, uh... fuck... let's just give it a shot.

"You can talk to her or something," I say.  "Let's try this.  I'll tell you guys a story.  My girlfriend now, we kind of had a one night stand thing going on.  It was more of a dare.  We were screwing around and we'd been drinking a little.  We kind of used to fight before.  Just fucking with each other, you know?  She thought she had the upper hand that night, so we're talking about stuff, and then she dares me to fuck her.  I was entirely not opposed to fucking her, so I took her upstairs and we did exactly that."

"This is Ashley you're talking about, right?" Caleb asks me.

"Caleb, who the fuck else would I be talking about?" I ask him.

"I don't know!  I'm just making sure!"

"Shut up.  I'm telling a story," I say to him.  I clear my throat and continue.  "Alright, so, the next day she's like, oh, fuck, we shouldn't have done that.  And I'm like, what, you didn't like it?  And she's like, nah, I loved your cock, so many fucking orgasms, but it doesn't matter because we can't do it again.  And I tell her, why not?  So then she's thinking about it, but you can tell she's not too sure.  I get it.  It happens.  Anyways, long story short, she decided we could, and so we did, and now we've been dating for a little over two months."

"I don't get how any of this is related," Ron says.  "Can you go back a little and start over?"

"It's related, because..."  Fuck.  How do I explain this?  "It was a one night stand, I guess, but in the morning when I woke up, I realized that... holy fuck, I need to have sex with this girl more than once.  Also, maybe I kind of want to cuddle the fuck out of her.  When you not only want to have sex with a girl, but you want to cuddle the fuck out of her, you've really got to think about what's going on and evaluate your situation, then you need to tell her what's up.  In my case, I told her it was a shame we couldn't do it again."

"Sometimes you have to be a little backwards," I add, so that this all makes sense.  "You can't always just go up to a girl and say something like 'Holy fuck, I want to fuck the shit out of you,' because it doesn't usually work.  But if you go up to her and say something more like 'It's a shame we can't have sex,' then it's a little better."

"Because she'll wonder, you know?" I say to my now captive audience.  "She'll ask herself why you can't have sex?  And then she'll think of reasons for why you
can
have sex, or even why you
should
have sex, and... that's all for later.  First impressions are first, and you don't go up to a girl and tell her you want to have sex with her as a first impression.  Say something about her eyes or her shoes.  Girls love when you notice little things about them, so notice the little things and then
tell
her you noticed.  It's not that hard."

Caleb looks extremely annoyed that he doesn't have a notepad right now.  Well, you know what?  Fuck you, Caleb.  You're just going to have to remember this on your own.

I'm about to figure out what else to talk about, except my phone rings.  I'm confused at first, because I'm not sure who would be calling me.  Also, I promised Caleb I'd help him out, so...

But, yeah, uh... who would be calling me?  Guess.  It's not that hard.

"Hey, we're done for today," I tell them all.  "Get out of here."

They start to get up and leave, but not without moaning and asking me when they can come back for more lessons.  We haven't even gotten to the good shit yet, so I can sort of understand.  These bad boy lessons have not even begun to delve into true bad boy awesomeness.  To be honest, I think these guys need some work before they're ready for that, though.

One step at a time.  I don't even know how I'm going to manage this, but whatever.  I'll figure it out.  Maybe I'll bring them around the cheerleaders and see if they sink or swim.

I've got more important things to do right now, though.  I get them out of my room, then close and lock the door behind them.  It's just me now.  Me and my ringing phone that I still haven't answered.

Fuck.

I run to my desk, grab my phone, hop on my bed, and answer the call.

"Hey, Princess."

––––––––

I
t felt like it took forever to get back to my room, but I finally made it.  There was a line at the front desk of people being checked out in the dorm registry.  I guess a lot of parents or friends stayed until tonight, even though today was the first day of classes.  It shouldn't bother me or anything, but the longer I had to wait for them to finish, the longer it took me to get through and back to my room.

It's not like I needed to do much.  Just show my school ID to a man waiting at the desk at the front of the dorm building, but still.

I don't know why I left my phone in my room.  I didn't mean to.  It just kind of slipped my mind, I guess.  Maybe I should have tried something else?  I was at the coffee shop, so I could have, um... emailed?  I don't even think Ethan and I have ever emailed each other.  I guess I could have sent him a message on Facebook, but it's not the same.

No, a phone call is the only thing that will do right now, and even then, I don't know if it's enough.  I want to apologize to him in person, to hug him, to kiss him, to, um...

I mean, they say actions speak louder than words, right?  And if you're going to apologize to someone, you should do it in a way that they'll appreciate.  I think Ethan would appreciate an apologetic blowjob, and this isn't a strange thing to think at all, because.  I don't know why.  Just because.