Steel: (#5 The Beat and the Pulse) (15 page)

W
hen I emerged
from the bathroom in a waft of steam, Josh had settled on the couch, and dinner had arrived.

He was staring out the windows at the Melbourne skyline, his brow creased. I could almost see the cogs turning in his mind as he worried over whatever was bothering him.

I was dying to ask, to do something to help alleviate some of the burden, but I wasn’t sure questioning him was the right thing to do. Instead, I settled next to him, studying the same lights he did, worrying over my own thoughts.

He’d ordered pizza again, and when my stomach rumbled, I leaned over and opened the box. Hawaiian. I knew he didn’t care for pineapple, and my lips curved into a tiny smile. I picked the fruit off a slice, piling it on the side of the box before handing the customized bit of pizza to Josh.

We ate in silence, too many things hanging over our heads to even contemplate talking about any of it. The flowers and their creepy card had become nothing but an annoyance, my heart driving me to worry more about the man who sat next to me than my own mortality.

“Sparks…” Josh began, breaking the silence.

“Yeah?” I turned, glancing at him. His forehead was creased with a heavy frown. Whatever was worrying him was big, and my heart leapt into my throat.

“About my mum,” he said, staring at his hands.

I waited, not daring to speak lest I break the spell he was under. Was he about to tell me one of the secrets he’d been keeping all this time? Was I about to see parts of Josh Caplin that had been off limits from the start?

“She was murdered,” he said. “I found her.”

His words slammed into me, almost stealing my breath. Of all the things he could’ve said, that was not what I was expecting. Truthfully, I didn’t even know what else he could be keeping from me. The Underground and his flippant attitude toward his health were big enough.

“Fuck,” I murmured. “I’m sorry. I—”

“Don’t be sorry,” he snapped. “
Never be sorry
.”

I flinched, glancing out the window.

“My dad killed her.”

I froze, my blood turning to ice. “Where is he now?”

“
He got what he deserved
,” he snarled.

The words spilled forth with such venom I shivered.
He got what he deserved
. Did that mean he was dead, too? I wasn’t sure, but it seemed justified considering what the man had done.

“I was only nineteen at the time,” Josh said, his voice sounding very thin and far away. “A kid…”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just sat next to him, my hand finding his and squeezing.

He didn’t tell me any more about it. He just sat there in silence, his thoughts taking him away from me. If I’d been smart, I would’ve said something to keep him with me, but I didn’t know the right words.

As a surgeon, I stared death in the face every single day. I diagnosed, administered, operated…but sometimes, it wasn’t enough. The hardest part of my job was walking out of that operating theater and telling people their loved ones didn’t make it.
We did everything in our power, but…

Glancing at Josh, I didn’t know what to do. All the training in the world couldn’t help me in this moment. There was no list of symptoms, no diagnosis that could be treated with antibiotics or a scalpel. I couldn’t crack open his chest and install a pin into his heart to hold him together. There wasn’t a prescription in the entire world that I could write to mend a broken heart.

I was powerless to help the man I was falling in love with.

“Do you want me to stay?” he asked after a long moment of nothing.

“Of course I do,” I replied.

He smiled weakly, the light never coming back on in his eyes. “I’ll check the locks,” he murmured. “You go ahead. I’ll be there in a sec.”

Knowing he needed a moment alone, I nodded and squeezed his hand. “Thank you.”

Thank you for telling me.

Thank you for trusting me.

Thank you for staying with me.

I wondered if I should say all those things to him or if he understood when I just said the two little words.
Thank you
. Deciding that was enough, I left him to his memories and got ready for bed, trusting that giving him his space was the right thing to do.

When he finally came to bed, he slipped in beside me without a word, his arm winding around my waist.

For the first time since we met, we lay together in my bed without having sex. He didn’t move to touch the places he knew would pleasure my body, he just held me close, his chest rising and falling with every breath he took. It was an odd sensation, a shift I never expected but understandable considering the night we’d had.

Curling up next to him, I felt like the most selfish person in the entire world. I’d clung onto my own problems and fears like they were the worst things to ever happen to someone. Josh had been holding onto the murder of his mother for eight years, and if what I suspected was true, he hadn’t told a soul. He was the strong, silent type, and people like that usually tried to deal with things on their own.

For the first time since this thing started between us, I began to understand why he did things, but I also understood that he’d only given me the bare minimum. I knew his game because I did the same thing when he asked about New York. I could see it in his eyes, the hope he’d said just enough to placate me into believing I’d gotten the last piece of his heart.

Unfortunately, love didn’t work like that, and the thought that he didn’t completely trust me hurt. It was a self-centered thought considering what he’d revealed, but I couldn’t help myself. Trust was important to me. Especially after everything Craig had put me through.

I wanted Josh to trust me completely. I needed him to.

Something was still holding him back, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was.

I
needed to fight
.

It was as simple as that. I needed the taste of blood, the jarring pain of my fist slamming into flesh, and the sting of a cut lip to make me feel worthwhile.

I needed it because it reminded me I wasn’t strong enough to save my mum. Was it some kind of fucked-up punishment? Maybe it was. I didn’t know anything else. I couldn’t be anything else. This was who I was.

Sparks wanted me, but she didn’t want me to fight.

Sparks wanted a lie.

Sparks wanted a version of me that I could never live up to.

Sparks
loved a lie
.

I wasn’t worthy. I could never be anything more than I was now. I couldn’t see a way forward because
there wasn’t one
. This was it.

Rolling over, I untangled myself from her arms and stared out the window at the dawn light as it began to light up the Melbourne skyline. It was that murky half-light that made everything look like it was in some kind of dream world. The veil between night and day.

Holly began to stir behind me, and before she could pull me back against her, I slid out of bed and padded into the bathroom.

“Josh?” she called out sleepily, but I ignored her and turned on the shower.

Stripping out of my boxers, I stepped under the searing water and let it wash away my shame. Watching the water circle down the drain of Holly’s fancy tiled shower, I snorted. If it were only that easy.

I just didn’t belong in a place like this. All this time it felt like I was playing a part. Pretending to be the things she wanted so I could make her happy. How long could that shit go on before she came to her senses? She knew most of it now. When I said ‘most’, I meant everything but the single most important detail of what happened that night.

I stiffened as I felt her slender hands slide up my bare back and then froze completely as her body melded against mine. She was always beautiful, the kind where she didn’t know it and flushed when I stared at her nakedness. She didn’t do that anymore, but the first time I laid her before me and just studied her sweet pussy and her perfect tits, she’d turned scarlet with embarrassment.

Circling my body, she positioned herself in front of me, the water pounding over both of us and soaking her hair until it sat flat against her head and flowed down her back.

It was like she knew I was coming apart and was trying to stick me back together the only way she knew how short of laying me out on an operating table.

She pulled my face toward hers, her fingers hard against my skin. I knew what she wanted, but I wasn’t sure I should give it to her when I was considering leaving and never coming back.

Leaning my forehead against hers, I closed my eyes, knowing that if I took her now, it’d bittersweet…and kind of spiteful. One last fuck before breaking her heart.

When her lips touched mine, I shoved away my disappointment and allowed my body to take over. Circling my arms around her waist, I tugged her against my body, my cock hardening against her stomach, and I thrust my tongue into her mouth. I kissed her greedily, the water from the shower mingling with her taste as I pinned her against the tiled wall.

Sparks’s moans were muffled as I tightened my hold on her, my hands moving down her body until I slid my fingers between her legs. Rubbing my palm over her clit, she thrust against me as her hands found my cock and began stroking.

Tearing my lips from hers, I pushed against her palm a few times before lifting her in my arms and anchoring her back against the tiled wall. Her slender legs wrapped tightly around my waist, urging me to take her.

Fisting my cock, I pressed the head against her opening, feeling like a right asshole. Fucking and running.

I hesitated, my thoughts beginning to clear the haze of lust, but Sparks took matters into her own hands.

She slid down my cock until I was buried balls deep, and she squirmed, thrusting her tits against my chest. Grabbing her ass in my hands, I held her in place and pulled out to the tip before thrusting into her as hard as I could. Our skin came together with an intoxicating
slap,
and her fingernails dug into my back as she cried out her pleasure.

Grunting as my balls flared, I thrust again and again, fucking her hard as water pounded onto my back. I didn’t stop, chasing my release as fast as I could as her teeth grazed my neck and shoulder. Sparks purred in pleasure as she took my pounding, always greedy for a firm touch and the shattering orgasm that followed.

All too soon, I felt her tighten around my cock, and I came, spilling deep inside her until I was empty. As the sensation began to ease, so did the haze, and with it, came the thoughts I didn’t want to think. Too many thoughts that never should have been dragged up again.

As I let Holly slide down my body until her feet touched the tiled floor, I felt the fight bleed out of me. I just…
couldn’t
.

Fucking her just now…it felt like a goodbye.

Her fingers traced my lips, her eyes full of sadness. She knew what was about to happen. She had to, right?

Pulling away, I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off. A moment later, the room fell into silence as she shut off the water and emerged beside me. As she wrapped a towel around herself, I avoided her gaze and ventured into the bedroom, searching for my discarded clothes.

I dressed haphazardly, like the thin cotton material of my plain black T-shit was a barrier for all the shame I was currently feeling.

Glancing up as I fastened the button on my jeans, I hesitated as I caught sight of Sparks standing in the bathroom doorway.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I snapped.

Sparks was looking at me like I was damaged. Like I was one of her patients who needed operating on. I had been her patient, but this was something she couldn’t fix.

“What aren’t you telling me?” she asked.

Sitting on the edge of the messy bed, I pulled on my boots as she stood before me still wrapped in her towel.
She just wouldn’t let it go
.

Everything was fine before I ended up in hospital. I needed the fight, the thrill of drawing blood, the burn of my muscles as I trained. I needed things to go back to how they were. Things were easier then.

“Josh?”

I glanced at Sparks, her red hair flat against her head, water dripping down her skin. She was beautiful…so fucking beautiful.

I didn’t know what else to say, so I just told her what I needed. “I need to fight, Holly.”

“At The Underground?” she asked, her mouth dropping open.

“I have to go back there,” I said. “I don’t know what else I can say.”

“After everything, you still want to go back to the people who left you out on the street to rot?”

“It’s who I am,” I spat, starting to get frustrated at her constant badgering.

“
No, it’s not
,” she practically screamed at me. “
It’s not the Josh I know.
”

And there was the problem. She didn’t know the real me even though she’d seen The Underground for herself. She didn’t understand what I needed to keep my head above the putrid water that was life. She just didn’t get it.

“No, you’re right,” I said, my voice tight with restrained emotion. Which one, I wasn’t entirely sure. “You don’t know me at all.”

“Not for lack of trying.” A single tear spilled from her eye and ran down her cheek, but she didn’t move to brush it away.

“You can’t fix me, Holly,” I snapped. “I can’t be operated on like one of your fucking patients.”

I rose to my feet and began pacing. What was I still doing here? I was doing nothing but dragging her down with me. Holly was this bright spark of life, hopeful, optimistic, intelligent, beautiful… I was a dead weight. She couldn’t love a train wreck like me. It was impossible. Something had to be wrong…

I’d been deceiving her from the beginning. I’d held back my darkest moment, and now she was paying for it.
She’d fallen for a lie
.

“This isn’t working,” I said, the realization hitting me square in the face.

“What?” she asked, her pretty doe eyes widening. “
No
. Don’t say that.”

“It’s too much.”

“You’re walking away because this is
too hard?
” she scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief. “Are you fucking serious? Life was never meant to be easy.”

I grunted, standing on shaky feet as I scooped up my keys, phone, and wallet.

“So that’s it?” she asked. “You’re breaking up with me?”

“Looks like it,” I muttered, striding out of the bedroom. I was doing her a favor. She deserved better than me. She always had.

“
You can’t leave me
,” she wailed, darting after me. “
Josh, please
.”

“We were fooling each other,” I hissed as she grabbed my arm. “This whole thing was—” I bit my lip, turning away from her.

“A mistake?”

My heart twisted. It hadn’t been a mistake. I’d felt things I had never felt before, but it wasn’t right.

Wrenching the door open, I said, ”Goodbye, Holly.”

“
Josh, please…
”

I couldn’t stay and listen to her pleading.

I slammed the door behind me and walked away.

It’d hurt like hell now, but in time she’d see.

I’d done her a favor.