Steel: (#5 The Beat and the Pulse) (14 page)

He was worth it even if he couldn’t see it yet.

I
pulled
my car into the loading bay out the back of the hospital and glanced at Sparks.

She sat in the passenger seat, her hands clamped tightly around her bag, her gaze firmly on the street in front of us. Dark circles rimmed her otherwise pretty eyes, and they were still slightly puffy from our fight and her admission.

Last night… Well, it was really fucked up. Things were patched up for now, but it was only a matter of time before I had to face my past…and my future.

That douche she had been going to marry back in New York sounded like a real piece of work. Using her to better himself while still trying to live the bachelor lifestyle behind her back. Sparks didn’t deserve that shit.

And that’s what made me the biggest prick of them all. I wasn’t cheating on her, but I was still dicking her around, and she knew it. She fucking knew it and was still hanging on. Either she was desperate or she saw something redeemable in me that I didn’t.

I mightn’t be fighting at The Underground anymore, but there was nothing else to follow it up with. The money I’d won would see me through a couple of months, but then I had to find a job.
Shit, a fucking job
. With my empty resume, I’d probably end up shoveling shit on the side of a road someplace.

“Sparks?” I glanced at her, the sound of the indicator clicking on and off loud in the silence.

“Hmm?” she asked, turning to stare at me.

“We’re here.”

“Oh.” She blinked a couple of times before unbuckling her seatbelt.

“Have a good day,” I said, leaning over to give her a quick kiss.

“Yeah.” Opening the door, she slid out of the car.

“See ya.”

Hesitating, she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear before leaning down. “Josh?”

“Yeah?”

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Instead, she knelt on the passenger’s seat and pulled me in for a kiss. Her tongue dove into my mouth greedily, her lips hard against mine to the point my cock began to twitch, thinking it was about to get lucky.

Pulling away just as quickly as she’d pounced, she smiled. “See you later.”

My heart lifted, and I smiled in return, watching her walk into the hospital. Just as she was about to walk inside, she turned and waved. Lifting my hand in response, I waited until she’d disappeared before pulling back out into traffic.

Knowing Charlie would be at Pulse this time of morning, I went straight over. I needed to get a workout in anyway, and there was no escaping the cross-examination. Best to get it over and done with as soon as possible so I could get on with my life and figure out what to make of my bleak existence.

The gym was busy when I rolled up fifteen minutes after dropping off Holly. Seven a.m. was peak time for all the office monkeys, so the machines were full and classes were jam-packed with young twenty-somethings doing Pilates and yoga.

I ran into Charlie as she was leaving the women’s change rooms. She looked me up and down with a raised eyebrow before shaking her head. I always turned up ready to go, so I was in my trainers, shorts, and singlet, but I was smart enough to know she was giving me the evil eye for another reason. Chicks talked, and she would’ve heard some choice words from Holly about me.

“Morning,” she declared, waiting for me to catch up.

I grunted.

“Cardio?” she asked, nodding toward the machines.

I shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose.”

She paused, holding her water bottle against her chest.
Here it comes…

“So things are good with you and Holly? We didn’t see you again after she walked out last night.”

“Yes and no,” I replied truthfully.

“It’ll take time,” she said as we began walking toward the cardio machines.

If one more person talked to me about time, I’d have to beat my head against the wall. Patience had never been my strong suit, and that’s all anyone was asking me to do. It was giving me the jitters.

“Have you looked into those flowers?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah,” she replied. “There’s not much to report. Everyone’s clean.”

“Can’t be.”

“Can so. It could just be an overenthusiastic patient trying to thank her or some poor guy with stars in his eyes. It’ll probably just fizzle out over time.”

“What about the florist? Surely they have records?”

“The flowers were delivered, and they didn’t keep a record because they were paid for in cash.”

“What about security footage?”

“Holly didn’t want it to be an official investigation so I can’t get my hands on anything. Not legally.”

“So that’s it? She just has to put up with some douche sending her creepy presents?”

“There’s nothing else I can do, Josh. As far as the law is concerned, there’s no other evidence that suggests anything more is going on. My hands are tied.”

“Fucking bullshit,” I cursed. If I were a cop, I’d hammer at it until the case was cracked wide open.

She raised an eyebrow at me and hopped onto a bike.

“
Anyway
,” she said, starting to peddle, “didn’t think I’d see you for a while, if at all.”

“You shouldn’t have let her go there, Charlie,” I said thinly, taking the bike next to hers.

“She needed to.”

“She didn’t,” I threw back at her. “Considering how many threats have been thrown at me in that place since I got back, the best place for Holly was somewhere far away.”

“What about the bit where you were risking life in a wheelchair? When were you going to mention that?”

“I think I’m missing something here, Charlie,” I replied.

“What’s there to miss?”

I rolled my eyes and upped the tension on my bike. “The part where you think you know what’s best for a dude you hardly even know.”

“You’re such a baby, Josh,” she said, ignoring my quip. “Are you going back to fight?”

“No.”

“So you guys are still together?”

“For now.”

Charlie let herself freewheel for a moment while she turned to stare at me like I was a moron. “What do you mean ‘for now’?”

“Until she realizes I’m not good for her.”

She sighed dramatically. “You’re such a Debby Downer. Have a little faith in yourself. If it weren’t for your stubborn pride, you’d see what everyone else does.”

“Yeah, and what’s that?”

“A fucking good guy with a great deal to offer. You might be a little lost right now, but that’s only temporary.”

“How do you know that?” I asked. “Have you got a crystal ball? I can’t see anything in my future. I’ve got nothing to offer her, Charlie. I don’t know how many times I can explain it.”

“Ugh,” she grunted. “Neither do I. Your head is as thick as a fucking brick.”

“Can you just shut up about it for a while?” I asked, cycling harder.

“Only until I hit ten k’s, then you’re mine, Caplin.” She upped her tension and began powering, peddling like she had a million things she wanted to hammer into my skull.
Damn women
.

We cycled hard for a while, my mind a tumble dryer of chaos.

“Ten k’s,” Charlie declared, and I instantly hated that she was fit. “Time to fess up.”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to keep control of my temper.

“Have you told her about everything yet?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No.”

“Things have a way of coming out when you least expect them to, Josh. Trust me, it’s better it comes from you than someone else.” She took a mouthful of water from her bottle and then slid it back into the holder. “There were plenty of eyes on you the other night.”

They had eyes on Sparks?
Shit
.

“Then why did you let her talk you into taking her there?” I asked with a scowl.

“Oh, it was the part where she said you were risking permanent paralysis.” She waved a hand at me. “Just that one little thing you forgot to mention to me…or anyone.”

“It was my business,” I growled. “
Mine
.”

“So I had no right?
Please
. Stop being such a macho asshole, and let someone give a stuff about you for once. If you keep insisting on being so stubborn about shouldering all your problems, then you’ll really be left with no one.”

“Tell it like it is, for fuck’s sake,” I shot at her sullenly.

“That’s what being in love with someone is about. Your problems and happiness are theirs and vice versa.”

I screwed up my face. Love? When had this become a conversation about love?

Charlie paused and looked me up and down. “You are in love with her, right?”

Jumping off the bike, I began to grind my teeth.

“It was a shitty thing that happened to your Mum, and it was even shittier that you had to do what you had to do, but you don’t have to shoulder life alone. Not when someone like Holly keeps taking shit from you. One day, she won’t be there, and it’ll be all because of you.”

“Fuck you,” I snapped at her. “You don’t know shit, and you don’t get to talk about my Mum.”

Eyeballing me, she said, “You know I’m right.”

Snarling at her, I turned on my heel, anger boiling in my gut like acid. Striding across the gym floor, I was so hell-bent on getting the fuck out there I slammed into a guy coming the other way.

“Hey,” he exclaimed. “You okay, dude?”

Glancing up, the blood rushed from my face, my heart beginning to slam inside my chest like a jackhammer.

“Josh,” Ash Fuller said, clapping me on the shoulder. His gaze drilled into mine in warning, but he didn’t need to worry about me.

“I’m not here for you,” I spat. “Not anymore.”

I went to walk around him, but his hand held firm on my shoulder. “Hold up a minute.”

“I really need to go,” I said, beginning to feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, but I’d never wanted to. The only reason I’d started coming to Pulse was to see what he had. I didn’t want anything else. I seriously needed a fucking clue.

“I’m sorry for what I did to you,” he said, his voice low so he wouldn’t be overheard.

“I don’t want an apology.”

I wanted my life back, but he wasn’t to blame for that. My father was. The day he took my mother from me was when everything went down the shitter.

Ash held his hands up and nodded. “Fine but know that my door is always open.”

“I don’t want your pity, either.”

“It’s not a pity door, mate,” he said, crossing his arms. “You ever need help getting out of that place and getting on with your life, you let me know.”

He clapped me on the shoulder once more before stepping around my dumb ass and wandering off across the gym. My gaze followed his progress before crossing Charlie’s. She raised her eyebrows, but I’d already turned away.

I’d had enough fucking bullshit happen in the last twenty-four hours to last a lifetime.

I didn’t need their help. I was Steel. I was hard as fucking nails.

I didn’t need anyone’s help.

I
was totally beat
.

Eight hours in the operating theater had totally wiped me out. After a long, emotional night with Josh, I was feeling the aftereffects. My feet ached, my eyes were scratchy, and my heart was still a little bruised.

Scrubbing out and dumping my gown into the laundry chute, I began to dream about my soft bed at home. The sheets would still smell of him, and I planned to bury myself deep within the cozy blankets and sleep…but there was the matter of paperwork to finish up before I could even think about leaving for the night.
Ugh.

Pushing through the double doors, I wandered down the hall in a daze. Replaying the surgery I just performed step by step, I could almost believe I was standing there doing it all over again. When energy levels bottomed out and hallucinations began, it was time to clock off and get some sleep. I wondered if Josh was around tonight. Cuddling up against him while wrapped in the blankets I was dreaming about earlier sounded real nice.

Spying Gunner lingering down the hall, I smiled and raised my hand in a wave. It’d been a little while since I had time to see her, and I was glad I’d caught her down this end of the hospital.

“Hey,” she said as I came level with her. “You look tired. Everything okay?”

“Surgery kicked my ass today,” I replied.

She nodded back toward the operating theaters. “I just got out myself. Emergency appendectomy.
So fun
.” She rolled her eyes.

“At least it’s over in under an hour,” I retorted. “I’ve been in there for eight hours.”

“I know which I’d rather,” she joked. “How are things with you and the beefcake?”

“Things with Josh are a little tense at the moment,” I said, as we walked. “But we’re working through it.”

“Yeah? That sucks.”

“Yeah, but he seems to want to work at it, which is—”

My gaze collided with a vase of white lilies, and for a moment, I believed they were a hallucination, but that was until Gunner opened her mouth.

“More flowers?” she exclaimed as we stood before them.

They sat on the bench by the exit to the ICU like they were mocking me. We stopped before them, just staring at the unwanted arrival like it was a vase full of Venus Flytraps.

“I thought it’d stopped,” I said, my gaze falling to the card wedged between the stems.

“Even I’m beginning to get creeped out, Blue. Once or twice is sweet, but when it gets to… How many is this now?”

“Five.”

“Shit,” she said. “Someone needs to get a hint. What does the card say?”

A part of me didn’t want to touch the little envelope for fear it might be laced with poison, but I knew I’d only find another quote that eerily reflected my life.

Hesitantly, I plucked it from its perch between the stems and slipped the card out of the envelope. It was the same as all the others in look and feel, but this time, the quote was a little more…suggestive.

I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else.

I dropped the card, feeling sick to my stomach. Secret admirer was fast turning into serial killer. There was movement behind us, and I glance over my shoulder, my heart thumping, but it was only a nurse passing us on her rounds.

“What is it?” Gunner asked.

“I feel sick,” I blurted, shoving the card at her.

She took it from my trembling fingers and read the message.

“Holly,” she said, glancing at me, concern plainly written across her features. “I think you’d better call the police.”

“I will,” I murmured, my skin prickling with goose bumps. “I will.”

G
unner waited
with me until my ride home arrived outside the hospital.

The yellow taxi took me from door to door, and when I locked myself in my apartment, my chest heaved with a sigh that was a mixture of exhaustion and relief. Jittery had nothing on it. Dark corners were starting to become creepy. The windows that had never seen curtains in their lives seemed to be open for eyes that hid behind telescopes. Even though my apartment was fifteen stories up with no buildings close enough for Peeping Toms to set up shop, I felt exposed. Melbourne spread out before me, the dark sky and twinkling lights appearing more ominous than beautiful.

I hated that some creep had made me feel this way. Unsafe. 

Dumping my keys and bag on the kitchen bench, I took out my phone and texted Josh.

I’m at home. It would be great to see you. xxx

I didn’t add the part about the flowers or the fear of being alone. A small…okay, a large part of me wanted him to come because he wanted to see me, not because he thought I needed protecting. I’d tell him all about it if he came.

Josh didn’t reply straight away, so I paced for five minutes with worst-case scenarios playing out in my mind. Things had been tense this morning when he’d dropped me off, despite the night we’d spent together. So tense I’d dived back into the car and kissed him desperately, trying to let him know that I still felt the same way about him. That the cold, hard, light of morning had changed nothing.

When my phone beeped, I knew I’d been obsessing over nothing.

Sure thing, Sparks. Give me 20.

Holding the stupid brick against my chest, I closed my eyes and scolded myself for being so highly strung. It was just the flowers that had put me on edge…and the echo of our confrontation at that warehouse last night.

Twenty minutes felt like twenty hours while I waited for Josh to arrive. When the buzzer went off, I made sure it was him down there before letting him up. When there was a knock at my front door, I jumped even though I knew it was him. I was acting irrational. I had to calm the fuck down.

Opening the door, I peered out at Josh, who stood on the other side with his hands jammed into his jeans pockets. He looked as tired as I felt, and his expression was somber. He’d let his stubble grow a little longer than usual and was starting to look a little rough around the edges…well, more than usual.

Moving aside so he could pass, I closed the door and double-checked the deadbolt, still feeling jittery about the appearance of the flowers.

“You good?” I asked.

“I’ve got a lot on my mind,” he replied, his voice sounding distant even though he was standing right beside me.

At least he’d been truthful about that. A couple of days ago, his stock standard answer would have been ‘yeah’, but now it was a little more revealing. Only a drop, but it was something. A small victory.

“I got another vase of flowers today,” I said, watching him carefully.

Josh straightened up, his expression turning to anger. “What?”

“This makes five.”

“You need to report it to Charlie. Make this shit official,” he pressed. “Did you keep the card this time?”

I nodded, pulling the little white envelope from my bag. I set it on top of the bench, and it sat there like a time bomb waiting to explode. Neither of us moved to touch it.

Finally, Josh swiped it up and slipped out the card to read the quote. I watched his expression morph from anger into rage, and I glanced away, knowing that a lot of power was coiled in that body of his. I hadn’t seen him fight, but going to that place, The Underground, I had a pretty good idea what lengths he had to go to for a win.

“
Motherfucker
,” he cursed, slapping the card back down onto the bench.

“Do you think it has something to do with that place you were fighting at?” I asked, worrying the hem of my top. “I was the doctor who treated you, and now we’re…” I wasn’t sure how to end that thought, so I punctuated it with a shrug. Were we just hanging out, or were we exclusive?

He raised his eyebrows slightly. “It isn’t their style.”

I didn’t have to be a genius to know what their style was. I’d seen it firsthand the night I found Josh outside the ER on the ground half-dead and paralyzed from the waist down. Talk about a lucky son of a bitch.

“You haven’t gone back there?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

He shook his head. “It’s been a day, Sparks.”

“I know,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “It’s just been a long couple of days. I’ve lost track of where I am, I think. I’m sorry.” Confused, emotionally exhausted, freaked out… I was a lot of things I wasn’t sure how to categorize right now.

“Here,” Josh said, wrapping his arms around me.

We stood for a moment, me cuddled against his hard chest while he rested his chin on the top of my head. His arms felt safe and warm, the threat of the unknown flower stalker melting away into the background. I could just stand here forever, tangled in Josh Caplin, and never want for anything ever again.

“You working tomorrow?” he asked, breaking the spell.

I blinked. “Yeah.”

“Then let me know if you want me to come with you to see Charlie.”

“Sure,” I murmured.

“Make sure you go,” he scolded, pulling away.

“I’ll be safe in the hospital, Josh,” I complained. “There are security guards, cameras… We’re trained to deal with violent patients.”

He ran the hand that had been encased in plaster through my hair, reminding me of how easy it was to end up on the other side of the doctor patient status quo.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” he grumbled.

“Neither do I, but I have a responsibility to my patients. I have a double knee reconstruction on a thirty-five-year-old marathon runner first thing. I’ll go when I’m free.”

“
Thirty-five?
” Josh asked, his eyes widening.

“Sometimes, the price people pay to keep competing at professional levels is steep,” I replied. “It isn’t the first or the last of these I’ll do.”

He grunted, narrowing his eyes, and I realized what I’d said had hit him where it hurt.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean—”

“I know,” he interrupted.

Starting to feel really crap about the downward spiral our relationship seemed to be stuck in and the fact that I was a pro at sticking my foot in my mouth, I reached for the takeout menu on the bench, careful not to touch the white card that still sat where he’d dropped it earlier.

“Do you think we can order some food in?” I asked. “Just forget about stupid shit and…”

“Sure,” he murmured, taking the menu from me. “Whatever you want, Sparks. I’m good with that.”

A weak smile tugged at my lips, and I dug my phone from my bag and handed it to him. “Get whatever you like,” I said. “I’m going to have a quick shower.”

Leaving Josh to order dinner, I disappeared into the bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I turned the cold-water tap on in the basin and splashed my face. Glancing up at my reflection as I dabbed a towel over my skin, I sighed deeply, tension thick across my shoulders.

Why couldn’t we just be left alone? Whatever demons Josh was running from could just go get fucked. And whoever thought they were funny sending me vases upon vases of white lilies could just go suck a dick.

I was due some happiness, wasn’t I? After everything I’d been through in the last year, I needed something good. I needed someone like Josh to be the one.
I needed Josh
, but the more I thought about it I wasn’t sure he needed me. At least, not in the same way because he was still holding back, and I didn’t know what else to do to let him know that he could trust me.

Josh was slipping away, and it was taking everything I had to hold on.

This could still turn out to be a happily ever after…

Right?