Stay as Sweet as You Are (13 page)

Nine voices spoke in unison. ‘
Manure?
’

Elsie folded her arms and looked down her nose. ‘Are yez so ignorant yer don’t know what manure is?’

‘We know what it is, Elsie, but I don’t think we quite understand the connection.’ Billy decided to see if a bit of soft soap would work. ‘Ye’re very good at telling a tale, girl, yer have a way with words. Why don’t yer fill the picture in for us? You know, every little detail, so we can see it all in our minds.’

Elsie smiled. That was more like it. Not before time they were beginning to appreciate her. ‘Well, this money-grabbing little cow’s name is Flo Durning. She’s small, as thin as a rake and as miserable as bloody sin. Yer never see her without a mobcap on and a pinny with a big pocket in. She’s got beady little eyes, and believe me she doesn’t miss a trick. If she’s not standing at the door, taking all in, then she’s peeping behind her curtains. There’s not a thing goes on in our street that she doesn’t know about. In fact, she knows about it before it bleedin’ happens.’ Elsie glanced around the faces. ‘Are yer with me so far?’

Peg Butterworth tapped her on the arm. ‘Yer did that beautiful, girl. I can see the little squirt as if she was standing in front of me. Now, carry on.’

Elsie beamed. That was praise indeed from her mate. ‘Well, now we’ll go to the horse. It’s a dark brown one, with a patch of white on its face. The milkman, Taffy, he’s got it well trained, I’ll say that for him. When he says “Wait”, then wait it does. And after about ten minutes, out comes droopy drawers, Flo, with a bucket and shovel. And sure enough, the
flaming horse obliges and she shovels the manure up as soon as it hits the ground. In the bucket it goes, then the queer one makes a dash for her house with it. Honest to God, can yer imagine what her house smells like? Anyway, down the back entry she scarpers, and sells it to a bloke in the next street what’s got an allotment. Tuppence a bucket she charges him, the crafty cow.’

‘Well, I’ll be blowed.’ In repose, Peg’s mouth was far too big, it stretched the full width of her face. But when she was animated and smiling, it did wonders for her appearance and drew eyes like a magnet. ‘They’re an enterprising lot in your street, I must say. Not only do they give the neighbours plenty to talk about, they make a few bob into the bargain.’

‘Ay, yer can cut that out for a start,’ said Elsie, looking as suitably outraged as she thought the occasion warranted. ‘We’re not all tarred with the same brush.’

‘Only because the milkman wouldn’t have the energy to cover the whole street, and the horse will only oblige once a morning.’

‘Are you insulting what I think yer are, Peg Butterworth?’

‘All I’m saying is, chance is a fine thing. And before yer get on yer high horse and tell me ye’re going to knock me block off, just remember I’m bigger than you. You might have the weight, but that can be a disadvantage in a fight. So think on before yer take yer false teeth out and put yer boxing gloves on.’

Elsie’s eyes and mouth opened wide. ‘Ay, you, ye’re asking for it, you are. Yer know bleedin’ well I don’t wear no false teeth!’

Bob was grinning as he turned to face Kate. ‘Are they always like this, at each other’s throat?’

Kate nodded. ‘All the time. But they’ve never come to blows yet. In fact, they’re the best of mates. If one of them is in trouble, the other is always there to help out.’

‘Thank God for that! For one horrible moment I thought either me or Billy would have to be referee and stand
between them. I wouldn’t fancy that, not with the weight Elsie’s carrying. One blow from her and I’d be knocked into the middle of next week.’

‘No fear of that, she’s as soft as a brush, is Elsie. If yer told her yer neighbour’s cat had been run over, she’d cry her eyes out.’ Kate gave a quick glance to make sure no one was listening. ‘As yer know, Peg can tell a good story. And last time we were on the early shift she went to the pictures. The film was a real weepy by all accounts and she had Elsie in floods of tears, telling her all the sad parts and really piling the agony on. Then when she’d finished, she handed over a piece of cloth for Elsie to dry her eyes on. “Seeing as yer won’t need to go and see it now, girl, I think yer should pay me what it would have cost yer. I won’t charge yer the tram fare, though, seeing as ye’re me mate.” That soon put a stop to Elsie’s tears. “Yer know what you can do, Peg Butterworth,” she said, “yer can just sod off.”’

Bob chuckled. ‘It sounds something like the picture Lucy went to see last night. By all accounts she cried all the way through it, and then at the end said it was a lovely film. The two boys from next door pulled her leg soft.’

‘I was going to ask yer how she got on. Did she enjoy herself?’

‘They all had the time of their lives. Especially Titch, the bloke who took them. He said it was a real eye-opener, just listening to them. The boys have inherited their mother’s sense of humour and he said the wisecracks out of them had him in stitches. And he surprised me over Lucy. He said she was as quick off the mark as they were and had an answer for them every time.’ There was a trace of sadness in Bob’s smile. ‘Who she inherited that from I don’t know, because no one could say I’m the life and soul of the party. And her mother certainly isn’t.’

‘Oh, come off it, Bob! Listening to you anyone would think yer were a real misery guts. Yer’ve got as much sense of humour as the next man, so don’t be running yerself down.’

If Bob had spoken his thoughts, he would have said his life over the last few years had robbed him of any humour he might have had. Instead, he said, ‘Oh, I can laugh at other people’s jokes, but I’m no good at telling them meself.’

‘You’re as bad as me, then. My husband used to laugh when I tried telling jokes, because I always told the end bit first. So I gave it up as a bad job.’

‘He must have been very young when he died?’ Bob asked the question before giving it any thought. When he saw Kate’s hazel eyes cloud over, he cursed himself for being so insensitive. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve upset yer now.’

‘The people who say time is a great healer don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s five years now since Vic died, but it still hurts like hell. There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t miss him because there’s so much to remind me of him. Oh, I’ve gone past expecting him to walk through the door, and I’ve got used to his favourite chair being empty. But our daughter, Charlotte, is the spitting image of him and a constant reminder.’

‘And then yer’ve got thoughtless people like yours truly. I really could kick meself, Kate, for being so stupid.’

They hadn’t heard the bell, and Bob was startled when Billy clamped a hand on his shoulder. ‘It’s time to move, mate, but before we do, let us in on the secret. What have yer done that’s so stupid yer could kick yerself?’

Once again Kate came to the rescue. ‘Don’t tell him, Bob, or he’ll want one.’

Billy was intrigued. ‘Want one what?’

‘Ye’re a nosy bugger, Billy.’ By now, Bob had sorted his head out. ‘But since I know yer’ll keep at me until I tell yer, it’s a fairy cake. I’ve been promising to bring one in for Kate, and blow me if I don’t keep forgetting.’

‘A likely tale,’ Billy snorted. ‘Come on, shift yerself.’

‘If I forget again tomorrow, Kate, yer have my permission to kick me.’ Bob winked. ‘See yer.’

‘Yeah, see yer, Bob.’ Kate picked up her carry-out box and put it under her arm. Then she smiled and called after him, ‘I’m not very good at kicking, so I’ll get Elsie to do it for me.’

‘Come on, Ma, let’s go into town and I’ll buy yer something.’ Titch faced his mother across the table. ‘We can go to Blackler’s and have a look around – yer like it there.’

‘There’s nothing I need, son,’ Aggie said. ‘And there’s no use buying something just for the sake of it. That would be a waste of good money.’

‘Ma, if I’m going to waste me money, there’s no one else in the world I would rather waste it on. I haven’t even bought yer a drink yet.’

‘Buying me drinks would be money down the bleedin’ drain. I’m quite happy with me half-pint of stout every night, suits me down to the ground. It’s nice and smooth and puts me in the mood for a good night’s sleep.’ Aggie had a thought. ‘Ay, Irene’s going into town to buy some long trousers for Jack – why don’t yer go with her? It would save yer hanging around the house twiddling yer thumbs.’

‘Oh, aye,’ Titch laughed. ‘George would love me taking his wife out. And we’d be the talk of every wash-house in the neighbourhood.’

‘Not if I was with yer.’

‘Yer’ve just said yer didn’t want to go into town!’

‘What I said was, I didn’t want yer spending money on me just for the sake of it. But I wouldn’t mind going around the shops with Irene, in fact I’d be made up. Me and her get on like a house on fire, and she’s always good for a laugh.’

‘Well, that’s settled then.’

Aggie tutted. ‘It’s not settled, son. Not until we’ve asked Irene if she minds us going with her. I’m sure she won’t mind, but it’s manners to ask.’

‘You’ll have to do the asking, Ma, I wouldn’t have the nerve.’

‘Oh, my God!’ Aggie threw her hands in the air. ‘A girl in
every port he tells me, but he’s shy with a woman’s he known for nigh on twenty years.’

Titch grinned. ‘I steer clear of married women, Ma, they’re not on me list. Yer see, I’m not a good runner.’

Aggie pushed herself up from the chair and studied her reflection in the mirror over the mantelpiece. ‘I’ll nip up and have a word with her. If it’s all right, I’ll have to do something to titivate meself up. I can’t go out with me son looking like an old hag.’

‘Ye’re still a fine-looking woman, Ma, and I’d be proud to have yer on me arm even if yer were dressed in a sack. And people would still think yer were me wife, not me mother.’

‘Ye’re full of flattery, Titch McBride. It’s no wonder yer’ve got a list of girlfriends as long as me arm. But I’m a bit too long in the tooth to fall for such blarney.’ Aggie cupped his face and planted a noisy kiss on his lips. ‘While I’m out, be a good lad and wash these few dishes for me.’

Irene was drying her hands on a towel when she opened the door. Her face lit up, as it always did when she set eyes on one of her favourite people. ‘I’ve just finished doing the spuds ready for tonight. Save me worrying meself to death while I’m out. Come on in, sunshine, yer don’t have to wait to be asked.’

Aggie brushed past and walked into the living room which, as usual, was shining like a new pin. ‘I came to see if yer felt like some company on yer shopping trip?’

Irene reached into the kitchen to hang the towel on a nail behind the door. ‘I’d be highly honoured to have yer, Aggie. It would be company for me and yer can help me choose Jack’s trousers. Then if he doesn’t like them, I can put the blame on you.’

‘How d’yer fancy Titch’s company, as well?’

Irene’s eyes widened. ‘Your Titch, coming round the shops? I don’t believe it, he’d be bored out of his mind.’

‘That’s for him to find out, girl,’ Aggie chuckled. ‘He wanted to take me, anyway, to buy me something. Yer know
what he’s like when he’s got money, it burns a hole in his pocket. So I thought it would be nice if we all went together.’

‘It’s fine by me, Aggie – as I said, I’d be glad of company. But I can’t for the life of me see Titch enjoying himself. George only ever came to the shops with me once, and he said blow that for a lark, he’d rather do a hard day’s graft.’ Her pretty face smiled at a memory almost forgotten. ‘He was buying me a dress for me birthday, and the first one the assistant in TJ’s brought out, he said, “That’s nice, we’ll take it.” I hated it – it was a dark muddy-brown colour and dead old-fashioned. There was no way I was going to settle for that! And half an hour later, after I’d tried six on, George was nearly spitting feathers. But I was determined. It wasn’t often I got new clothes, and I wasn’t going to settle for something I didn’t like. So I dragged him from TJ’s to Blackler’s. The third one I tried on there was a smasher, I really loved it. My dear husband was so impatient when the woman was wrapping it, I swore it was the last time I’d take him shopping with me. I didn’t have time to tell him that, mind, because once outside the shop he told me straight: “Don’t ever ask me again, love, it’s a mug’s game.”’

‘Shopping is a mug’s game, girl, same as washing and housework. And women are the mugs what have to bleedin’ do it. If it was left to the men the houses would stink and no one would eat. And I’ve said all along, if it was men what had to have babies, the human race would have died out thousands of years ago. Still, we can call our men fit to burn, but we wouldn’t be without them, and that’s a fact.’

Irene glanced at the clock and pulled a face. ‘We’ll have to hurry ’cos I’ve got to be back for the boys. Go and tell Titch he’s very welcome to join us, but on his own head be it. If he starts getting restless and grumbles, I’ll put him over me knee and smack his backside good and proper.’

‘That’s not a threat, girl, it’s a bleedin’ promise. And I’ll not be passing the message on ’cos I know what a devil me son can be at times. Anyway, can yer give me fifteen minutes
to doll meself up a bit? Give us a knock and we’ll be ready.’

‘They’re a good strong pair, girl, he’d get plenty of wear out of them,’ Aggie said as she fingered the dark grey material. ‘A sensible colour, too.’

The assistant at Blackler’s hovered behind the counter. ‘Are you sure you have the right inside leg measurement, Madam?’

Irene nodded. ‘Twenty-nine inside leg, thirty-two waist. He’s only fourteen, but he’s tall for his age.’ She cast a critical eye over the trousers again. ‘How much did yer say these were, sunshine?’

‘Five and elevenpence, Madam, and they’re a good buy. He’ll get years of wear out of them.’

‘Not if he keeps on growing at the rate he is.’ Far from being bored, Titch was enjoying himself. ‘He’s going to be a six-footer, without a doubt.’

The assistant gave him one of her best smiles. ‘He will if he takes after his dad. If you don’t mind me saying so, you’re well above average height.’ She had them down as man and wife, with a mother in tow, and looked surprised when they all burst out laughing. ‘Have I said something wrong?’