Starwalker (Starborn 1) (Sci-Fi Fantasy Romance) (12 page)

Canna tried to relax. It was a dream. She could dream of her wren, the same way she used to dream of having friends as a childmaiden. Dreams were harmless. No one ever had to know about them. She could lock them up inside herself and keep them for however long she wished. Perhaps the Fates gave her dreams to make up for the all the sadness they’d let befall her.

She watched as his gaze traveled back up to her face. His expression was sullen. There was no fight in him now.

A dream, that’s why.

Anything could happen. It was her carriage to drive. What would she say to him? If things weren’t as they were. What would she reveal to him? If she knew he’d never really know.

There was one thing she wanted to get off her chest more than any other.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered so faintly she barely heard her own words.

Breckken went still at her confession.

“Are you?” he murmured, skeptical. “For what?”

For so much. Where to begin? For being so difficult. For being hard to love. Even though she swore she’d never apologize for that, she wanted to. For him. Because in this, her mind’s conjuring of him, she felt he deserved it. But most of all, she was sorry for humiliating him, degrading him in front of others. Even if his intentions were only to heal himself of heartsickness, he didn’t deserve her ridicule. She knew how badly careless words could hurt.

She wanted him gone, true. But her actions last night stemmed purely from a place of self-defense. Soul-defense. She couldn’t let anyone see how much this wren’s betrayal hurt. And so she’d hurt him as a distraction.

“Sorry for what, my maiden?”

“For it all.”

She couldn’t make her voice any stronger. She felt weak as a newborn. Even in her dreams, her fear still had a hold of her. That inner fear that no one ever saw, that no one knew existed. If she could have whatever she wanted, she would run to him, curl up in his lap, and he would hold her. She would cry tears and not be ashamed of them. She would ask his forgiveness for her cruelty, and he would give it. And he wouldn’t want her only as a cure. And he wouldn’t have abandoned her for a millennia. He’d want her for his mate. His partner. And they would begin their life together, and she would do her very best to make him happy.

Her very best. She would try harder than she ever had at anything.

But this wasn’t real. And she could not have whatever she wanted.

“For sleeping soundly while I nearly froze?” he mused, his eyes passing over her body once more.

“Yes.”

“For pretending you feel nothing for me when you indeed do?”

Canna pressed her lips together. It wasn’t real. She could admit it. No one would know. “Yes.”

Breckken’s eyes closed, and when they opened, he looked even sadder than before.

“Why are you here?” she rasped. “In my dreams.”

He cocked his head to the side, narrowing his gaze at her. “Is that what you think? That you dream now?”

Canna nodded.

He was quiet, his eyes making the journey from her face to her toes yet again. Perhaps she should cover herself, but she didn’t see the point if it was her dream. She could be herself.

“I wonder if you’d lay there so peacefully if I told you this was no dream.”

She frowned at his hard words. They were like cold water in the face, waking her right up. This
was
a dream, wasn’t it? Her wren wasn’t truly in her room, staring at her naked body.

She sat up, yanking at the sheet to untangle it from her legs.

“Don’t do it,” he warned. “Don’t you dare.”

She froze, her mouth agape. Was this really happening?

“I’m dreaming of you,” she murmured. “I must be. Row would never betray me by letting you into my quarters.”

“Betray you? This isn’t betrayal. Betrayal is what you did to me last night.”

It was true. This was no dream. Why hadn’t she pinched herself earlier. Perhaps she could have avoided this embarrassment.

She let her face harden. Let her mask fall over the vulnerability she’d so carelessly shown minutes earlier.

“Don’t do that either,” Breckken snapped. “Don’t hide behind that foolish hard shell.”

“Who was the first to betray?” she demanded. “Who?”

“Me!” He shouted. “Me. But I never meant to. I never abandoned you. I cried when you did. I hurt when you hurt. I watched you. Followed you. I waited for the Fates. That was my great betrayal. I wished things to be perfect for us. I was too careful, wanting to do everything right by you when what I should have done was said, fuck it, and shown myself as soon as you were a grown maiden. But I didn’t. I waited until happenstance took its course. And now, I suppose we will both pay for my mistake.” He leaned forward in the chair, his gaze so intense she wanted to run. “But I
never
wished you dead, my maiden.
Never
.”

Canna swallowed, the lump in her throat painful with regret. “I didn’t mean it,” she breathed. How could she have said something so awful. For the first time in her life, she felt like the monster people thought her to be.

“You never say things you don’t mean. Remember?”

She stared at him, her breath racing, feeding off his fury. She wanted to be someone else right now. She wanted to erase the past hours. But this was the reality of regret. You could never undo the hurts you caused. You could only build monuments atop them, and pledge to never do it again.

“I should dress,” she said carefully. Anything to lessen the brutality of her vulnerability.

“No.” He looked like he could barely contain himself. If he exploded, she didn’t know if it would be anger or desire that escaped. Maybe both. “I know what you’re doing. You’re hiding.” He shook his head. “You’re so strong, Cannalise, but you’re so damn afraid. But for now, you’re going to sit there, naked before me.”

“Why?”

“Because you are mine, and I’ve wished for so long to look upon you. So I will. You are lucky I didn’t wish to touch.”

“Why didn’t you wish to touch me?” Did he find her nakedness repulsive?

Breckken sighed, running his hands down his unshaven cheeks. “Because I do not wish to make you unhappy. And apparently my touch does the opposite of what I wish it to.”

He was right. She was scared. Maybe she wouldn’t admit it with her voice, but he could see through that anyway. What was the point in arguing? For once in her life, she didn’t want to fight. She
should
want to. Should want to demand her will, own her actions, but she had no fight left. He’d seen too much. Whatever happened now, would happen at his whim.

“I’ve said my piece. Now say yours.”

She shook her head. “I have nothing to say.”

“Not true. Tell me your fault with me. Tell me every fault. I need to hear why my maiden won’t give me the chance I’ve waited an eternity for.”

She squeezed her eyes closed, trying to imagine a world where she could be open with him. That world didn’t exist.

“I cannot.”

“Cannot or will not?”

Canna swallowed hard, shifting uncomfortably on the bed, but that only brought his eyes downward.

Breckken sat back in his chair, a smirk pulling at one corner of his mouth. “My strong Cannalise. She can take down several Helix at once. Best any wren in the city. Shoot arrows with laser sharp precision. But she cannot be naked before her mate.”

She couldn’t even glare at him as she wanted to. Being bare physically was doing something to her soul. She felt bare to the bone. Could he not just read her mind now? Did she really have to say all the things she felt?

She straightened her shoulders, determined to prove him wrong. “It’s not that,” she said. “I just don’t wish to talk of these things.”

He stared at her, his mouth forming a hard line. Suddenly he stood, towering over her bed. Her wren was tall, she knew, but she’d always met him standing. Now, she felt significantly smaller.

With sure, quick motions, he began unbuttoning his thick fur robe until his chest was exposed, along with the pants underneath. He unsheathed his daggers and laid them on the side table. Then came his belt.

“What are you doing?” she rushed out.

“Undressing.”

Well, that much she knew. But
why
?

“I… I… do not understand.”

He slid the pants down his muscled legs revealing his rather large sex and she turned her head away.

“Perhaps being the only one naked has caused you to become shy.”

“It isn’t that.”

“Well, it only seems fair. I have gazed upon you all morning, memorizing the intimate details of your body. It’s your turn. Then perhaps your tongue will loosen.”

She took a deep breath, hoping to steady the shaking that threatened to overtake her. “I told you, it has nothing to do with that.”

“You wish to look upon me. I can hear your heart racing in your chest. You are excited, or perhaps scared. Probably both. But you wish to look. I know you do.”

Damn it. Her wren was tearing her to shreds. If he meant to abolish every wall she’d built, every protective barrier, he’s was doing a fine job.

She heard the rustling of clothing. His boots being removed. Her eyes had a mind of their own.

She peeked. His gaze was on her as he removed every article of clothing except his robe. And she was riveted. Then with a heavy sigh, he shrugged off the thick fur, revealing his sculptured torso.

Canna gasped.

Not because he was the most lovely male she’d ever beheld, even though he was. Not because of his brute strength and fine cut muscle. Not because he was finally as exposed as she was. No, what took her breath was the apparent harm that had been done to him.

Both arms were filled with slash marks in various stages of healing. Some faintly silvered scars, others angry red and fresh. His lower legs held even more of the curious slashes.

She climbed from the bed, forgetting her discomfort. She shook her head in disbelief as her eyes scanned his body for more of the wounds. Hands held in front of her, she nearly touched him, but stopped just before making contact.

It must hurt. Her wren was fierce. She’d witnessed it herself. But this sort of constant injury…
must
hurt.

Canna clenched her jaw against the fury bubbling inside. “Who did this?” she ground out.

He said nothing.

“Who did this to you?” she asked again, her voice rising. “I’ll
kill
them.”

“Canna…”

“You will tell me this instant, wren, or so help me—”

His hand reached out, gently tipping her head back to look into his eyes. His whole demeanor had changed. His gaze was soft. Sad. But hopeful.

“You cannot kill the one who did this, because I did it to myself.”

She frowned, her lip trembling, but she could do nothing to stop it.

“You did this?” she hissed. “
Why
?”

Why would he harm his beautiful body? There was years of damage. Some recently too. She cringed when her eyes fell on the marks that were fresh. Especially the two that ran the length of each arm. As if it was a tally of some sort.

Her gaze found his. He stared at her, measuring.

“Tell me.”

“I shouldn’t. You haven’t told me what I want to know yet.”

She had to know. It felt like fire in her gut. What made him do this to himself? What kind of turmoil had her wren endured?

“
Please
.” She wasn’t the least bit ashamed of the desperation in her tone.

With a sigh, he dropped his hand from her cheek. “I told you,” he said softly. “When you hurt, I hurt.”

Canna lost her breath at the implication. All she could do was shake her head in denial, wishing that what he said wasn’t true.

“There’s a mark for every word you carved in the bench. For every time I wasn’t there to comfort you. It’s a record of all the time I wasted not approaching you. It’s… it’s our
history
, Canna.”

“No,” she breathed, tears springing to her eyes.

He’d been there the entire time. Just as he’d claimed. Tortured by their separation, just as she was. He
hadn’t
betrayed her.

“No.” She shook her head hard enough her dreads slapped against her shoulder.

“Canna—”

“No!” She stepped backward until the cold bed hit the back of her knees. “This…
this
is because of
me
?”

She’d
done this.
She’d
hurt him without even knowing, and then hurt him again on purpose. She
was
a monster. She didn’t deserve a wren to love. She didn’t deserve him.

He reached for her. “No, Canna—”

She threw her hands out in front of her, tears streaming down her cheeks beyond her control. “
Don’t
. Do not come near me. I’m bad. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”