Starting Fires (23 page)

“I love it,” I said when finished.

He smiled, contemplated something for a moment, but left. I wondered if he had wanted to stay for sex, and was glad that he hadn’t. It felt better this way, and I liked thinking that maybe we were moving away from the physical connection we shared and opening ourselves up to an emotional one.

I went to sleep wearing his shirt, ring, necklace, and a smile.

 

Chapter 21

P
aul seem
ed down.
It wasn’t in his words, but his smile. It never reached his eyes. A few times, I nearly asked what was bothering him, but held back. If he was going to such great lengths to keep me from knowing, maybe he didn’t want me to.

At 10 a.m., Mr. Yudeski called a staff meeting. It was the first one I’d been to, and I followed Paul’s lead, grabbing a notepad and pen. The two of us settled into chairs away from the full table and listened to the senior accountants discuss a new client. During their spill, I was raising my eyebrows way up and blinking rapidly, trying to keep from falling asleep. Finally, they finished and Mr. Yudeski stood in front of the group. “I’d like to formally welcome our new intern, Marlowe Duncan, to the firm. She’s been helping Paul with his projects. How’s she doing, Paul?”

Paul gave me a sweet smile. “She’s doing amazing. A great asset.”

“Good to hear. That’s it for today,” Mr. Yudeski said. Everyone started heading for the door, but Mr. Yudeski stopped Paul, asking to speak with him. I went back to our office and started working.

A few minutes later, Paul came stomping in, mumbling under his breath. It was hard to fully understand what he was saying, but I caught a few things. “Of course, I can—I mean why the fuck not—piece of shit—it’s not like I have better things to do.” There were also several grunts, sighs, and random curse words.

Figuring that maybe I could assist him with his problem, I turned my chair towards him. “Anything I can help with?”

He was sitting at his desk, his elbows leaned against it and his head buried in his hands. “My girlfriend broke up with me,” he said.

“Oh.” Not what I was expecting him to say.

“Yesterday.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“And Mr. Yudeski wants me to finish these audits by the end of the month. I’ll have to stay late and work weekends just to get it done. Everything sucks ass right now.”

“Well, I don’t mind working the weekends with you. I can stay a little late, too. Think that might help?”

He looked up at me. His eyes were red, like he might want to cry, and I really hoped he didn’t. “I can’t ask you to do that,” he said.

“Really, it’s no problem. Two weekends won’t be so bad. I don’t have much going on anyway.”

“Thank you. It
will
help.”

“Alright. So tell me what you need me to do, and I’ll start on it right away. We’ll have it finished in no time.” Paul took a breath and smiled. Immediately, we dove in, taking only a short lunch break until we left the office at 6 p.m.

I knew that I couldn’t go to the bar and texted Lucas, asking him to call me when he had a chance. Immediately, my phone rang.

“Hey,” I said.

“Something wrong?” Lucas asked. The sounds of voices and laughter were loud initially, but gradually faded, telling me that he was walking back to his office.

“No. I’m sorry. That text message probably sounded dramatic. I’m just going to be working late for the next few weeks, and won’t be able to help at the bar. Paul and I are trying to finish a project for Mr. Yudeski. I just wanted to you know.”

“Oh.” He was silent for a moment then said, “Well that sucks.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, but Paul’s kinda down on his luck right now. I figure I can help him out. It won’t be too much trouble me missing the books?”

“No,” he said. “I can handle it. But, uh… when will I… be able to see you again?”

I imagined him nervously running his hand through his hair as he asked, and smiled. But truthfully, I didn’t know. Late work hours and Saturday shifts would have me exhausted. “Maybe Saturday night?” I said.

“Okay,” he said. “See you Saturday. Maybe.”

“If you don’t mind hanging around while I study, it could be before then.”

“We’ll see. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Alright. Bye.”

Lucas didn’t say anything else and hung up.

The next few days went by in a whirlwind. I was on autopilot. Get up, go to work, come home, study, sleep. By the time my head hit the pillow, it was usually close to midnight and I instantly went under.

Late Thursday night, I was already asleep and felt my bed dip with weight. Initially, I panicked and my body tensed, but then I smelled him and recognized the sound of his breathing. It was strange that I’d never realized it before, but after a while, you became so close to a person that even their gentle breaths were unique to them. Somehow, their voice broke through and that sound alone could give you peace.

He curled up behind me, wrapping his arm around my middle. I sighed as he snuggled into me. After only a moment, I relaxed, immediately falling back asleep. The next morning he was gone, and I couldn’t be sure that I hadn’t dreamt it.

By Saturday afternoon, I was more than grateful for some time off. Surprisingly, studying was coming easy and I was acing all of my tests, but if I wanted to spend time with Lucas, I had to go to the bar. He was working. All three of the bartenders were. Because they were packed. Again. Honestly, getting drunk didn’t appeal to me.

So you aren’t coming up here?
Lucas texted me after I told him that I’d rather stay in.

No. I’m sorry. If you get off early, let me know.

Will do.

You should really consider hiring another bartender. And a bar back for the weekends. Oh, and a bouncer.

Ten minutes later, he replied with
Yeah. You’re right. I have a cousin who’d bar back. And maybe one of the bartenders that applied hasn’t found a job yet. I’ll put some feelers out for a bouncer, too. I’ll try to get out of here before it’s too late.

I was surprised to find that Lacey and Nicole didn’t want to go out drinking either—the two of them were self-proclaimed party girls. By 9, they were at my house and we were sitting on the couch marathoning a reality television show that I’d previously never seen. It was hard to see the appeal of following a family around and watching them get into various forms of shenanigans, but by the second episode I was beginning to find them endearing.

“Where’s Lucas tonight?” Lacey asked.

“At the bar. They’re so busy he has to work with Gwen and Kate.” Lacey made an
hmm
sound that I chose to ignore.

As the people on the screen started chasing a chicken around, I began thinking about my recent desires to ask him for more. Maybe I could talk with my friends about it. It was then that I realized never once had I truly brought up my feelings regarding Lucas with them. Never. They didn’t pry and it became this unspoken understanding—he and I were together, but not together. I didn’t want to just come out and say what I was thinking, so I danced around it. “Do you think that Lucas sees other girls?”

They were silent. Too silent. And I was embarrassed, thinking that maybe he already was and they knew about it, but didn’t want to tell me. To save face, I added, “Probably. He’s gorgeous. Every girl-”

Nicole cut me off with a scoff. “Please. Lucas is
okay
.”

“
What
?” I was actually offended. “
Okay
? No. He’s the hottest man I’ve ever seen.”

“I have to agree with Nicole on this one,” Lacey said. “He’s okay. Yeah, his body is nice. His face is attractive, but overall he’s just alright.”

“Explain,” I demanded. “Because I have yet to find something wrong with him, and trust me, I’ve seen everything.”

Nicole chuckled. “I don’t know. His nose is a little crooked.”

Well, if that’s all it was, whatever. His nose was perfect. Masculine and strong. I smiled remembering all the times I’d ran my finger down it.

“And he has tiny crow’s feet when he smiles,” Lacey added.

“Hey, I like them,” I said. “It gives his face character.”

“
You
like them,” Lacey said. “But not every girl wants to fall down at his feet. He’s mildly attractive, single, and a flirt. So yeah, some will flock to him, but not
every
girl. And to answer your question, no I don’t think he’s seeing other people, but I’ve never asked him and we don’t exactly confide in each other. So who really knows?”

This didn’t help, and now I felt defensive. “Well, I think he’s perfect,” I said, clutching a pillow to my stomach. For some reason it made me feel secure.

“That’s because you’re in love with him,” Nicole said offhandedly.

My stomach dropped and my fingers suddenly felt numb. Never before had I thought those words with Lucas. In fact, I’d made a point to keep them as far away from my brain as possible. “Oh, good!” she said, looking at the TV. “I love this episode. Marlowe you’re gonna really enjoy this.”

Suddenly, I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be alone in a dark room, analyzing my emotions. Was I in love with him? Hearing the words aloud breathed life into them. It was out there. And my heart couldn’t build a wall fast enough to push it aside. The feeling crept over the ledge before the last brick was placed.

For the rest of the night, I sat on the couch trying to feel nothing, and acting as if everything was normal. After they left, I crawled into bed swallowing the lump in my throat. This was a disaster and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

The next afternoon, I was in my bathroom, the door open, drying my hair. All morning I’d tried to think of anything but what Nicole had said. I wasn’t very successful. Mostly, I tried to decide if she’d been right.

Lucas made my heart beat wildly in my chest. Every time he came strolling towards me, I could feel it drumming erratically. Just the thought of him touching me made my body explode in tiny chills. His smile made me swoon. His voice consumed me.

But those were all physical responses. Was there more to what I felt for him? I frowned in the mirror and switched to dry the other side of my hair. If something horrible were to happen to me right now, who would I want to run to? If I felt like crying, who would I want to comfort me? It was Lucas. But why?

I turned off the dryer and placed it on the counter. My hand stayed on it as I stared at the black and pink zigzag pattern across the handle. It was because he made me feel safe. He didn’t want me to feel pain or sadness, and would do anything he could to take it away. He made me feel cherished. And never before had someone made me feel more beautiful. When I’d catch him staring, adoration shone behind his eyes. Or I could feel it in the tender way his hand would trail across my body. It was the sparrow necklace that hung from my neck.

I reached up and began rubbing the bird between my thumb and fingers. In the bathroom mirror, I watched my hand toy with it. Besides the necklace, I was only wearing a sports bra and panties. I’d told him that the bird reminded me of him. And then he bought it for me. Did he want me to be constantly thinking of him? A thought at the back of my mind every time I looked down and saw the tiny sparrow?

“Hey,” his deep voice said and I jerked.

He was standing in the doorway of my bathroom, leaning against the frame, smiling at me.

“Uh, hey,” I said and started fiddling with my makeup on the counter. I hadn’t planned to wear any, but needed something for my hands to do.

I started applying my mascara, and he walked into the room, propping his butt against the counter. “I was going to come over last night,” he said, “but your light was off.”

“Yeah, I fell asleep earlier than I thought I would. Nicole and Lacey didn’t stay long.”

He watched me apply the makeup, and then reached out, trailing a hand along my lower back. As I started on the other eye, he stood behind me and squeezed my waist, leaving his hands there. He began kissing me gently along my shoulder and neck, and it became difficult to concentrate. “Come with me to get something to eat,” he said. “I need some Marzy time.”

That was the closest he’d ever come to saying he missed me. If I was in a more playful mood, I might have responded with
Just admit that you miss me
but I was on edge with too many thoughts racing through my head and being around him right now would only cloud by brain further.

“I told Nicole I’d meet her for lunch,” I lied.

He made a disappointed grunt and dropped his forehead to my shoulder. “Alright,” he sighed and took a step back. “Call me later,” he said, looking at me in the mirror.

I gave him a tight nod, and watched him walk out of the room.

To keep him from knowing that I’d lied, I drove to a place at the edge of town and ate by myself while I continued to think about things. Why did I have to make everything such a huge deal? I might or might not love Lucas. I hadn’t decided. Why couldn’t I just let things progress naturally and stop analyzing everything?

It was because I was still scared and wary of a full on relationship. It seemed inevitable that it would end badly. Willing my brain to calm, I took a breath and finished eating.

On my drive home, I focused on not thinking about it. To distract myself, I turned the radio up and sang as loud as I could.

Driving down my street, I saw Lucas’ car. Knowing that I missed him, too, I told my head to relax and walked straight to his house. Ian came out just as I reached the end of their driveway. “Is Lucas home?” I asked.