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"But a few days later, Rodney was burning up with fever when I went to wake him in the morning. He was so hot, my fingers actually jumped back from his cheeks. I couldn't get him to really wake up. He groaned and his eyes were so glassy, I couldn't imagine him seeing anything.
"I shouted for Momma who immediately started complaining about being woken until I got her into the bedroom and she touched him herself. She looked real scared and that made me more afraid.
"'We better get him over to the hospital emergency room,'" she said and went back to wake Aaron. Both of them looked like they were the ones with fevers. Aaron practically had to have his eyelids pinned open. We wrapped Rodney in his blanket and Momma carried him out to Aaron's car.
"I'd been to the emergency room a few times before in my life besides that time with Rodney when he needed stitches. It was always crowded with people, each one looking sicker than the next. Everyone in the waiting lounge is coughing or sneezing, moaning and looking like they're moments away from dying, so even though Rodney was so bad, we couldn't get him any immediate attention. We sat there for nearly two hours. Aaron fell asleep in his chair and Momma got into one of her mean moods and bitched so much, she made the nurses furious at her.
"I thought Rodney would be the one to suffer for that.
They wouldn't rush to help us now. I tried to tell her that. Granny always says you can get more with honey than you can with vinegar, but Momma was just so angry her life had been disrupted, she wanted to take it out on anyone she could.
"Finally, they called us in and the doctor began to examine Rodney. They had to run tests and we were there for nearly five more hours before the doctor came out to see Momma to tell her Rodney had an infection in his spinal cord.
"'I think we're going to get to it in time with antibiotics to prevent a really serious situation, but he's a sick little boy for now,' he said.
"'Well, why the hell you make us wait out here so long? I knew that boy was sick. I just knew it. Mommas know these things,' she lectured.
"'There are many sick people here, Mrs. Fisher,' the doctor said calmly. 'We do the best we can.'
"Of course that wasn't good enough for her. She just repeated herself. Finally, he left us to get Rodney into treatment. He said Rodney would be there most of the week, which set her off on another stream of complaints. Now her vacation was ruined.
"I should tell you that once in a while, Momma would be in a good mood. After she had begun with Aaron, she seemed to have more smiles and she'd sing around the house the way she used to when I was a little girl. I got so I concluded Aaron was a good thing for her and therefore, for me and Rodney.
"But Rodney's getting sick just as she was about to have what she called her first 'real vacation,' turned the clock back and she was meaner and nastier than ever.
She had already told One-Eyed Bill's she was taking off so she was home more and all she did was drink and complain.
"I was at the hospital visiting Rodney more than she was because two of the days that week, she had drunk herself into a coma.
"Rodney's illness seemed to seal up a decision working in the back of her head, that and the eviction notice we got."
"She wasn't paying her rent?" Jade asked. "But she was working, wasn't she?"
"Yeah, well I didn't know much about our bills. I remembered the phone being shut off twice and once we had no electric because she hadn't paid the bills, but she eventually got around to it and things were all right again.
"About three days after Rodney came home from the hospital, someone knocked on our door and I opened it to find a man in a suit asking for my mother. I told him she was at work and he smirked and said, 'If she's working, why doesn't she pay the rent?'
"I didn't have any answer for him He handed me an envelope and said I should be sure she gets it. After he left, I opened it and read the warning that we were to be evicted in thirty days unless all the back rent was paid. In my heart I knew it would never be, but I had no idea what the solution cooking in Momma's brain was.
"When she came home, I gave her the notice. She read it and then crumbled it up and threw it in the garbage.
"'What are we going to do about it, Momma?' I asked her.
"'Nothing. Don't worry about it,' she said. She wouldn't say anything more about it.
"At the end of the week, she announced that she and Aaron had rescheduled their 'real vacation,' and she had made arrangements again with Granny.
"'But how are we going to go to school?' I asked her. 'Granny lives too far away from where Rodney and I go to school.'
"'You can miss some school so I can get a holiday,' she snapped back at me.
"'The school's not going to like that,' I warned her, but she was about as worried about that as she was about our eviction notice.
"I was too tired to care anymore about school anyway. I was doing poorly in most of my subjects, failing math. The counselor had been calling me in at least twice a month, but even she seemed to give up on me. There are a lot
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of kids with problems in my school. After a while no one even noticed me. I bet they didn't even realize I was gone.
"Momma made me pack up most of Rodney's things and my own and then she and Aaron drove us to Granny's apartment. It's a smaller apartment than the one we were in, but it was on the ground floor and Granny had a small patch of ground behind it, almost a real backyard. Rodney and I would have to continue to share a bedroom, which was really Granny's sewing room that had a pull-out bed. Aaron had squeezed Rodney's cot-bed into his car trunk, so we at least had that.
"Momma went into this big act before she left, warning Rodney and me to behave while she was away. 'You're here to help Granny,' she said, and made that look like the main reason she had brought us.
"'We'll call you in a day or so, Momma,' she told Granny and they left. She gave Rodney a quick peck on the cheek, but she just looked at me as if I was miles and miles away. There was something in her eyes that caused a flutter of panic in me. My heart skipped and my stomach felt as if it had filled with hot tears.
"Sometimes, I could look at Momma when she was unaware and I could catch a glimpse of who and what she had been when I was much younger. It was almost as if the face she wore now was really a mask and under it was the face of the Momma I had known and once loved like a Momma should be loved. Her eyes would twinkle and her lips would soften into a small smile. It warmed my heart and made me feel safe, if only for a little while.
"I saw that face glimmer for a moment as she stood in the doorway looking back at me. I wanted to run up to her and embrace her and get a real hug of love from her, but it passed and the mask came back strong.
"'You take care of everyone,' she ordered.
"'I always do,' I muttered, which she didn't like. She turned to Aaron and they left quickly.
"Momma didn't call the next day and most of the day after that. Then, just after we had eaten our dinner, the phone rang and it was finally her calling.
"I saw that Granny was doing more listening than speaking and keeping her eyes on me and Rodney as she did so.
"'No,' she said. 'That so? You didn't tell me about that, Aretha. Of course I will,' she added.
"I was waiting nearby, wondering if Momma would ask to speak to me or to Rodney, but she didn't Granny finally said good-bye and hung up.
"'What's wrong now, Granny?' I asked.
"'Your momma says you were all evicted from the apartment. You know about that?'
"'Yeah, I do. I was home when the man brought the notice,' I said, 'and she told me not to worry about it.' "'Well, you lost your home,' Granny said.
"Rodney didn't understand it, but he knew it was bad so he just started to cry and I went to him and held him.
"'What is she going to do about it, Granny?' I asked.
"'She said she and Aaron are going to try to set up a home for you all in San Francisco. Aaron's been promised new work with some friends of his and she's looking for work too. Once they settle into a new place, they'll send for you,' Granny added
"She might have even believed it when she told me then, but after a few days of not hearing from Momma, I could see the trust evaporating. Momma called once more the following week and gave basically the same story. When she didn't call at all the next week, Granny decided we should enroll in the closest schools and she saw that we did.
"Another week went by and another. Momma called once in a while with a different story. Then she called to say she and Aaron were thinking of trying their luck on the East Coast. Aaron had an uncle who owned a convenience store in Wilmington, Delaware and needed help. He supposedly said there was a lot of work Momma could get, too.
"Granny didn't believe her, but she looked at Rodney and me and I guess she thought what was happening was for the best. After she hung up that time, she and I talked about it and she said, 'Well, I guess I'll have to stay in this world a little longer than I had expected.'
"'I
guess you better, Granny,' I told her.
"So I became what Misty called yesterday an OWP, orphan with parents. Good riddance to them both, I say:'
I paused, looked at the ceiling and then at Doctor Marlowe. I could see she was waiting for me to tell them, so I got up my courage and I did.
"My troubles," I admitted, "were just starting."

As I said before, Granny wanted us to enroll in new schools and we did. I couldn't help being upset with all the changes in our lives. Rodney was bothered even more than I was, but rather than just clam up the way Daddy often did
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he began to misbehave, deliberately breaking things in class, getting into fights and talking back to his new teachers. Twice the first month Granny had to go to school because of things he had done. He had grown up in a house with a mother who threw things when she was angry and didn't hesitate to use bad language in front of him, mostly because she had been drinking and didn't even realize what she was saying, so I guess he didn't have what you would call a good role model.

"Nevertheless, I tried being angry at him and bawling him out for the things he did, but when he turned his lost, lonely eyes on me, I stopped yelling and just hugged him Finally, I got to him a little by telling him I was worried more about Granny's health than I was about him or me.

"'Remember, she had one heart attack. She could have another and then where will we be? We'll be in some institution, that's where,' I told him.

"He seemed to understand that and calmed down enough so he didn't get into trouble, but his schoolwork didn't improve any.

"Neither did mine. The bad habits followed me, I guess. I didn't see how I could ever do anything for myself with studies, and when counselors asked me if I had any idea what I wanted to be or do, I just shook my head and stared out the window. The future was as cloudy as could be. It amazed me how anyone could look years and years beyond today and see what he or she would be doing. I just worried about tomorrow.

"I made some new friends quickly. Everyone's curious about a new student and asks questions and lots of kids were in situations like mine. I knew I was far from the only one who was living with her granny or granny and grandpa. One of the girls, Tina Carter, had a cousin in my previous school who had been a friend of mine so Tina and I became friendly and she told me stuff about many of the other kids, especially the boys to avoid because of their criminal records or gangs they were in.

"One boy she warned me about, Steve Gilmore, was interesting and attractive to me nevertheless. Tina said he was weird. He liked to be alone. He didn't have any real friends at the school and nobody knew much about him or saw him on weekends at the usual hangouts. The only one he seemed to spend any time with at school was a white boy, Matthew Langer, who had such severe learning disabilities he had been held back two grades. The fact that he would rather spend his time talking to Matthew than anybody else made him more interesting to me. It was sort of understood that Steve protected him too.

"Steve wasn't all that big and strong looking. He was just under six feet and only about one hundred and seventy pounds, but he had a wildness in his eyes that made other boys give him space. I guess it was because of the way he fixed his gaze on someone. People said they felt like he was burning into them. Someone had nicknamed him 'Laser Eyes' and the name stuck, but no one called him that to his face.

"There were all sorts of stories about him that were practically mythical?'
"Like what?" Jade asked.
"He supposedly had killed someone in a fight when he was only nine years old, stole a car and got into an accident that resulted in the death of a young woman, stuff like that."
"However, from what I could tell, Steve wasn't in trouble much in school. He was an okay student, quiet and not disrespectful when his teachers approached him. I had one class with him, social studies. I would glance his way from time to time He sat just behind me about two rows over, but he never seemed to look at me or take the slightest interest in me.
"I had begun to take better care of myself, fix my hair, wear some lipstick, polish my nails. Granny managed to get me some nicer clothes too. She did seamstress work for a department store sometimes and the manager got us some deep discounts.
"Granny told me I was pretty. I guessed she was saying that because she was my granny, but Tina told me she and her girlfriends had decided I was one of the prettiest girls in the school now. If that was so, I wondered why Steve Gilmore never gave me a first look, not to mention a second. I wasn't much interested in the other boys who had.
"What I would do occasionally in class was lean back on a slant so I could gaze at Steve without it looking too obvious. I guess another thing that attracted me to him was a look I saw occasionally in his eyes that suggested he was hurting in places I was hurting. He seemed to drift away, too.
"I know from the way you're all looking at me that it's hard to understand what I mean. Sometimes, I'd catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I'd do a double-take because there was this deep, dark shadow in my eyes that made them look like tiny tunnels running back to my most painful childhood memories. I'd be surprised at how much time went by with me looking down those tunnels. I guess we called them 'flashbacks,' right, Doctor Marlowe?"
She nodded.
"It would start with me thinking of myself as being five or six and wondering who was this looking at me in the mirror? Then I would just fall back through time. The whole experience leaves you with this heavy sadness, like a water-soaked blanket being tossed on your shoulders:'
They all stared, no one speaking.
"I don't do a good job of explaining it," I added. "Yes, you do," Jade said quickly.
I smiled at her and nodded.
"Anyway, when I looked at Steve one time like this, he turned slowly and looked at me for a moment. It was like we had said hello in a very private way and recognized we were from the same planet, Planet Pain." Misty looked mesmerized, but her lips stretched slowly into a tiny smile.
"I live there too," she whispered.
I nodded at her, encouraged by how many similar notes we all heard.
"Something happened at that special moment I looked at Steve," I continued. "It was like he had opened his eyes or become conscious and finally noticed me. As it turned out, he wasn't weird so much as he was just very shy. It took another two days before he would utter a word in my direction. I was walking home after school, on my way to stop at Rodney's school and pick him up, when Steve came up behind me and passed me, but paused for a split second to say, 'Hi.' He kept walking, faster in fact, before I could respond. In seconds, he was gone around the corner, but it was enough to give my heart a tiny nudge and make me think about him all that night.
"The next day I became bold and when I saw him in the hallway just before social studies, I stepped up beside him and asked him if he had done the homework. We were supposed to describe four causes for World War One.
"He gave me those 'laser eyes' for a second as if he distrusted my intentions. Those remarkable eyes practically drank me in and swallowed me down before he relaxed.
"'I only came up with three,' he replied.
"'I only got down three causes, too,' I said.
"I told him mine and he told me his and between us we came up with five to use. When I got to my desk, I quickly scribbled it all down, looking over at him every few seconds to see him doing the same. He gave me a smile and I felt as if he had kissed me."
"Just a smile did that to you?" Cat asked. She had been so quiet and unmoving, I forgot about her for a while. As usual, she glanced from right to left in a small panic because her words had come out so fast.
"He had a really nice smile. His whole face would change, warm up and look more than just friendly. His eyes were laughing, full of sparkling light. He was . . ."
"Sexy?" Misty offered.
"No, not just that. It was full of understanding. That's it. I felt we spoke and thought alike. Granny has this expression 'birds of a feather.' She often looks at people in the street and says, 'Them two are birds of a feather.' People make fun of older people who have all these funny sayings and such, but some of them were dipped in a well of wisdom and make lots of sense. At least to me," I added.
"So?" Jade asked impatiently. "What happened after this great smile?"
"You can make fun all you want," I said, "but sometimes people say more with one look than they do with a thousand words."
"I'm not making fun. I just want to know what happened next," she insisted. She blew air through her lips and shook her head at me.
I glanced at Doctor Marlowe, who just wore that infuriating look of patience, waiting for one of us to throw a tantrum.
"After class Steve and I finally got into a conversation," I said, my voice taut and strained until I began remembering. "It continued into lunch and I sat with him and Matthew, who looked upset about it the whole time, practically eating nothing."
"He was jealous of the time you were taking with his only friend, huh?" Misty asked.
"I guess. I tried to be nice to him, but he looked angry no matter what. It took another few days of conversation before I found out that Steve's mother had been killed in a car accident about five years ago and he lived with his father and had no brothers or sisters, but I could tell from the way he spoke about his father that things were bad.
"Later, I would learn that it was his father who was driving the car and he was drunk. He was cited for DWI and actually charged with vehicular manslaughter, but he got probation, probably because of Steve losing his mother.
"We began to talk every chance we got at school. Sometimes, we
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ate lunch outside and really felt we had privacy because the other kids weren't staring at us and whispering. Eventually, I felt comfortable enough to tell him about my life, what had happened with my daddy and momma and such. He was less open about his life. If I asked him a question, he would look away, maybe eat some of his food, and then finally give me a short answer. I could tell pretty fast what he would talk about and what he wouldn't."
"What about Matthew all this time?" Cat asked.
"He followed us around sometimes and after a while, he was nicer to me.
"And then Steve asked me on a date. I guess it wasn't a date exactly, but it was the first time I had a boy ask to come by and get me to go someplace with him"
"He had his own car?" Jade asked skeptically.
"No. We were taking the Big Blue Bus' I said. "The poor people's limousine," I added dryly. She pursed those pretty lips and gazed at the ceiling.
"Where did you go?" Misty asked.
"To the Santa Monica pier. I asked Granny if I could go and then Rodney got all excited about it and I had to take him, too, but that was another thing I liked about Steve. He didn't mind Rodney being along. In fact, he felt better because he was coming along, I think. I think he was real nervous about being alone with me and jumped at the chance to be like a big brother more than a boyfriend.
"Of course, Rodney ate it up. I laughed to myself at the way he immediately looked up to Steve, hanging on his every word as if Steve was one of his television heroes or something. Then I thought to myself, Rodney never had a real father long enough to appreciate him and of course, he had no older brother, and Aaron was nothing to him I was okay as his sister, but it wasn't the same thing for a little boy. No wonder he was so excited about the attention Steve gave him.
"They got this fun park on the pier. You all probably know about it."
They all nodded.
"Taking Rodney on the rides was fun for both of us. Steve insisted on paying for everything no matter how much I protested. He told me there was some money put aside in a trust for him from his mother's life insurance so he would have something with which to start when he got out of high school, and for now his father gave him a generous allowance because he was responsible for buying things they needed, food and such.
"We talked about what we'd do after we graduated. I still had no idea, but he thought he might enlist in the army. Because of his trust he was secure about his future, knowing he had something he could depend upon.
"'My father can't get his hands on it, either,' he pointed out. 'My mother was smart enough to know my father wasn't going to provide all that well for us and she believed she'd be working her whole life too, just to make ends meet,' he said. 'She made sure I'd be all right.'
"His eyes always filled with tears when he talked about his momma, but he knew it was happening and snapped those lids like two rubber bands and brought that famous hard, cold look back into them.
"At the pier, he really seemed to be enjoying Rodney, laughing at the way Rodney's face filled with pure ecstasy at the prospect of going from one ride to the other, getting a hot dog and a cotton candy, playing machines in the arcade, trying to win cheap prizes that you'd be better off just going out and buying.
"I guess after a while I was jealous."
"Jealous?" Misty asked, jumping on what I had said. "Why should you be jealous of hot dogs, cotton candy and pinball machines?"
"It wasn't that. Steve seemed more excited about having fun with Rodney than being with me." I looked at Doctor Marlowe. She and I had discussed this and worked it out, I thought.
"Maybe he was just socially immature," Jade interjected. "You said he was shy."
"It wasn't that, either," I replied quickly. "He never got to be a little boy like Rodney was and have fun like this. He was having a, what did you call it again?" I asked Doctor Marlowe. "Vicarry. . .vi . . ."
"A vicarious experience," Doctor Marlowe said. "Yeah, that. He was doing stuff through Rodney, being the little boy he wished he was."
"It amazes me how everyone's a psychoanalyst nowadays," Jade said smugly.
"Oh, and I suppose you don't do that?" Misty attacked. "You don't analyze everything?"
"He was probably just shy," Jade insisted. "Oh, what difference does it make what he was?"
"No difference to you, but a lot to her," Misty offered. Jade glanced at me and realized that might be so. Her expression changed.
"He ignored you the whole time?" she asked in a softer voice. "Some first date that turned out to be, I suppose. Boys can be so aggravating:'
"I didn't say he ignored me. He was into doing things with Rodney more, that's all. I admit I was jealous and wished he paid more attention to me, but I saw how much fun Rodney was having and he hadn't had much fun in his life till then, so I wasn't about to complain.
"Afterward, Rodney sat on the beach and played in the sand while Steve and I took off our shoes and let the water run over our feet.
"'Thanks for what you done for my brother today,' I told him.
"He nodded and looked out over the ocean and said he'd never been to the pier before. I was surprised to hear that.
"'Me and my father never really went anywhere together, anywhere that was fun for me, that is. I've been to his friends' houses with him and such, but he never took me anywhere that was fun for me.'
"He said he could barely remember the places he went with his momma.
"Then he looked back at Rodney and said, 'I know what it's like for him growing up with a drunk for a parent.'
"'Your daddy still drinks a lot?' I asked. I knew how hard it was to answer that question when someone put it to you, but I thought how could his father still drink after what had happened. Steve laughed.
"'Still drinks a lot? You remember when you told me how as a little girl you thought the smell of whiskey on your momma was just her perfume?'
" 'Yes; I said.
"'Well, I grew up thinking whiskey came out of the kitchen faucet. I still wonder if it does,' he said. 'What difference does- it make?' he added quickly. 'He'll die soon and put himself out of his misery.'
"'You hate him?' I asked
Of course, when he had told me about his mother and the accident, I just imagined he would blame his father forever.
But when he looked at me, those eyes were a mixture of hard, cold anger and some sorrow, too.
" don't care about him enough to hate him,' he said. " don't even think about him much if I can help it.' "'But you live in the same house with him,' I said.
'You see each other every day, don't you?'
"'We're more like two people renting some rooms together. I'm usually out of there before he gets up to go to work and I have my supper before he gets home most of the time.'
"'You cook for yourself?'
"'Yeah. The cook quit,' he said. He was quiet for a moment and then he added, 'He eats my food, too, when he wants to eat at home.'
" 'I'm impressed,' I said.
"He laughed. He had a nice laugh when he allowed it. It was like it was shut up in his heart and he opened the door just a little and let happiness breathe. Sadness can be more like a disease. It makes you sick anyway:'
Without doubt the three of them understood that, I thought.
"Anyway, he turned to me and said, 'Why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow night? I make a great frozen pot pie.'
"'Frozen? Some cook. I'm a cook, too,' I said. 'Not as good as Granny, but a lot better than my momma. I'll prepare the salad and Granny will let me bake an apple pie to bring.'
"His eyes looked like Rodney's when Rodney set them on the fun park.
" 'Really? You'll make an apple pie and come?'
" don't say I'm gonna do something if I don't mean to do it,' I told him with my eyes fixed as hard and firm as his could be.
"'Okay,' he said, smiling, 'Okay. It's a date,' he said.
"I laughed, but I was more than just happy about it. I was excited. Funny, how little things like that can give you so much hope," I muttered and reached for my water.
No one spoke. They all watched me drink.
"Granny got a saying for hope," I told them. "She says hope is what you cast out like a fish line and hook, hoping to pull in some happiness, but if you cast it too far or too often, the line snaps and you watch it all float away:'