Star (6 page)

"After he left and me and Momma and Rodney went anywhere, I couldn't help but feel this empty place beside us. Sometimes, I'd forget and think Daddy just walked away for a moment. He will be standing right next to me soon. Of course, he wouldn't, but that didn't stop me from glancing to the side and thinking about him.
"Momma's a tough little woman. I don't think too many people, including men, would want to tangle with her. She could be a wildcat, so it wasn't that I was physically afraid. I just felt . . . like we were less, if that makes any sense;' I said.
Misty looked like she understood more than the other two. Jade turned her eyes from me and Cat stared at the floor.
"What I mean is it didn't help me just to have another man come into our house. It didn't make me feel better or safer. If anything, I think it went the other way.
"But that's what those boxes and suitcases meant: Aaron Marks was moving in to live with Momma. I could smell him in the room already.
" 'Whose is that?' Rodney wanted to know. 'Are we moving away, Star? Did Momma pack us up?'
" 'No Rodney. We aren't moving anywhere. We're stuck here.'
"About two hours later, the door opened. Momma and Aaron came in, both laughing. I was mashing up some potatoes for Rodney to have with his hamburger. Momma was dressed in her Sunday clothes and Aaron was in a suit with the tie loose. He was not quite as tall as my daddy and much wider in the hips with a little paunch. His head was rounder and his hair was thinner, showing a lot more forehead, which I thought made his eyes look larger. He had a nose with a bump in it because it had been broken a few times. He had tried to be a prizefighter when he was younger and ended up being one of those sparring partners that gets his head beat in regularly, which was what I thought accounted for his dull, dumb face and empty eyes.
"As you can tell, I was never fond of Aaron. I never could understand what Momma saw in him and when I said so once, she just laughed and said, 'When you start being with a man, you'll understand what matters most about him.'
"I wasn't stupid. I understood she meant sex.
"Anyway, I stood there, gazing at the two of them, both wearing these big fat grins that put little drops of ice down my back and around my heart. I reached out and pulled Rodney closer to me and he held on to my leg.
" 'Well, there she is, my little cook,' Momma cried. `Or our little cook.'
" 'What are you talking about, Momma? What's going on?'
"Aaron laughed and went to the cabinet below the sink where Momma stored her vodka, gin and bourbon. He took out the bourbon and said it was time for another celebration.
" 'Right you are about that,' Momma cried.
"I watched him pour them each half a glass of bourbon and then toast and drink. Rodney didn't fully understand what booze was, but he hated the smell and the taste and just knew that whenever Momma drank some, she was usually unpleasant and often frightening, so he clung tighter to me.
" 'Why are you celebrating, Momma?' I finally asked.
"The two of them looked at each other and laughed as if I had asked the silliest question.
" `Momma?'
"'Cause Aaron and I just got married,' she said. "Naturally, I grimaced and shook my head.
" 'You can't marry Aaron, Momma. You're already married,' I told her.
"The smile flew off her face like a frightened sparrow and she slammed her glass down on the counter so hard, it almost shattered.
"'A man just walks out of here one day and never calls,' she said pointing at the door, 'never comes back, never sends a note, and goes off with another woman and I'm still supposed to be married to him' No ma'am, I'm not.'
"'Don't you have to go to a court, though?' I asked.
"'Courts mean lawyers and lawyers are just crooks who hang out a shingle off their doors,' she said. 'Aaron and I talked it over and I declared, officially declared that is,' she added pulling up her shoulders and standing as straight as she could, 'that I ain't married to Kenny Fisher no more. I declared it this afternoon and then we went over to Preacher Longstreet down in South Central and he married us right and proper with a Bible and all. I even got a ring,' she bragged and stuck out her hand. It didn't look like much of a ring, but I didn't say so.
"'Don't you have to get a license and stuff?' I asked.
"'Will you stop with all those questions. Just say hello to your new daddy,' she ordered.
"I turned back to the potatoes.
"'Star, you hear me? You show your new daddy respect, hear?'
"'He's not my daddy,' I said.
"'What? What did you say?'
"She started for me, but Aaron held her back.
"'Hold on now, Aretha,' he said. 'We don't want any unpleasantries tonight on our wedding night. Our honeymoon,' he added and she stopped fighting him and smiled.
"'You're right, Aaron.' She looked at me, her eyes shooting darts across the kitchen. 'We'll talk about this later. Aaron and I are going out for a celebration dinner. I just want to freshen up a bit,' she said and went to the bathroom.
"I continued to work on Rodney's dinner and he held on to me the whole time. It was difficult to breathe, not to be drowned by everything that was happening so fast.
"'That boy looks like a sissy holding on to you like that,' Aaron said. A terrible anger washed over me. I felt the heat rise into my face.
"I turned and glared at him, gave him my coldest look and said, 'He'll grow up to be easily twice the man you are, not that it would be hard to do.'
"He stared at me for a moment and I saw rage start to build in his eyes, but suddenly he stopped it as if he knew he might lose control of himself if he didn't. He laughed, but it was one of those soft, unsure laughs, a laugh to cover up his own discomfort.
"I didn't stop glaring at him and he pointed his thick, crooked right forefinger at me.
"'Your momma's right about you. You're too sassy. We'll deal with it later,' he said and went to the bedroom to start unpacking and moving in."
I paused and looked at the other girls. Each in her eyes showed she understood what a low moment that was for me and my little brother. I didn't even have to ask, but I did.
"How would you like that to happen to you?"
Doctor Marlowe's face brightened with interest and excitement as she looked at them and waited.
"They make decisions about our lives as if we were nothing more than ornaments on Christmas trees," Jade said, her eyes darkening as she fixed on her own thoughts.
"My daddy never even told me he was seeing someone else, much less look for my opinion about it," Misty said.
Cat remained quiet, but her eyes filled with a cold look of fear that made me wonder again how different her life had been and what troubles she had seen, troubles so bad they had stolen her voice and her smile.
"Yeah, well despite what Aaron and Momma threatened, Momma didn't say anything more about it to me that night. She and Aaron went to their celebration and came home very late. Their door was closed when I got up the next morning. Rodney and I had our breakfast and left without seeing them, which was fine with me.
"Aaron supposedly worked for a used-car dealer, but I always thought he did something else on the side, something illegal. After he moved in, there were lots of phone calls for him at all hours of the night, and he would always talk too low for me to hear.
"Right from the start, I was never comfortable with him in the house and especially uncomfortable when he was there without Momma. Most of the time, he was out or with Momma at One-Eyed Bill's, but when he wasn't, he made both me and Rodney nervous and Rodney would just retreat from the living room and stay in our bedroom. It wasn't a big apartment, probably not much bigger than this office, and we had only one bathroom for all of us to share.
"But I want to say right away that he never tried anything with me. I know that's the first thing everyone's supposed to think, but he didn't and he had his reasons, which he came out and told me once."
"I'd like to hear about that," Jade said.
"I thought you might."
"What's that supposed to mean?" she fired back.
We stared at each other for a moment and then she smiled and I just laughed and shook my head. Cat's eyes filled with confusion and she looked at Misty.
"Maybe after dealing with us you oughta rethink the use of the word
crazy,
Doctor Marlowe," she said. Doctor Marlowe laughed.
"The only place I approve of its use is in the Patsy Cline song," she said.
"Who's Patsy Cline?" Misty asked and looked from me to Jade.
"She's a country singer, or was, right?" Jade asked Doctor Marlowe.
"Yes."
"There is other music besides hip-hop and rock, girls."
"I know who she is," Cat said. "My father listened to her music, but my mother threw all of his stuff out of the house after he was gone, just like Misty's mother did, except my mother even got rid of the bedsheets, blankets and pillowcases he had used."
No one spoke. We could hear footsteps in the hallway, a door close and then the sound of a vacuum cleaner Sophie had started.
"So, are we going to hear more about Aaron Marks or not?" Jade asked impatiently.
"He's not that interesting to hear about," I said, "but yeah, I'll tell you more about Aaron.
"I'll tell you more about it all."

Early one evening about two months later, I gave
Rodney dinner and then decided to take a bath. I had my portable CD going with my earphones on and I didn't hear Aaron come home. He rushed into the apartment and moments later, he was in the bathroom."
"Didn't you lock the door?" Jade asked.
"The lock was broken some time ago and nobody bothered to fix it," I said.
I was about to continue when I looked up at her, and I noticed Cat was twisting her left hand so hard, I couldn't imagine it not hurting her. I studied her and noticed her legs begin to tremble. Her knees were practically knocking together.
I glanced at Doctor Marlowe, who was studying Cat even harder than I was. She leaned over and took Cathy's right hand to stop her from twisting her left. Cat's legs slowed their trembling.
"It's all right, Cathy," Doctor Marlowe nearly whispered. "We're listening to Star now."
Cathy looked up at her and a calm seemed to settle in those frantic eyes.
"Okay?" Doctor Marlowe asked.
Cat nodded. Doctor Marlowe smiled, patted her hand and sat back.
"Sorry," she said. I still hesitated. "Everyone's fine, Star. Go on."
"It's not that bad so nobody's got to go get worked up or nothing," I muttered.
"We'll be the judge of that," Jade said. "What you think is bad and what I think is bad might not be the same thing?'
"Well, who says you're right?"
"Nobody says I'm right. It just might not be the same, that's all. You don't have to jump down my throat every time I open my mouth," she whined.
"Well, then don't say you'll be judging me. I don't need you to judge me."
"I didn't mean that literally. If you weren't so trigger-happy. . ."
"Girls," Doctor Marlowe warned before I could respond. She flashed a "no" at me.
I sat back, holding my eyes on Jade a moment longer. She turned away and crossed one leg over the other.
"I saw the bathroom door open and I screamed when Aaron came in. He acted as if I wasn't even there. He went to the sink, opened the cabinet and found his razor and shaving cream. Really feeling sick, I still managed to find a voice.
"'Get out of here!' I cried pulling off the earphones. 'I'm taking a bath.'
"'Got to shave fast,' he muttered, looking at his ugly face in the mirror. 'I have to meet your mother in ten minutes. We got tickets to the heavyweight exhibition fight, but we can't be late or we'll lose the seats and they're great seats.'
"'I don't care. I'm taking a bath. Get out!' I screamed now, covering myself the best I could.
"He looked down at me.
"'I won't be but a few minutes and I ain't interested in you so don't worry,' he said. 'I don't touch virgins,' he bragged."
"What?" Jade said, coming back to life and turning to me. "He said he won't touch virgins?"
"That's what he said. He started to shave and kept talking, telling me that virgins were too much trouble and he preferred a woman who was broken in like a good riding horse. He laughed at his own joke.
"Meanwhile, I nearly shriveled to nothing in the water, of course, but he didn't look at me. He was more interested in himself. He finished shaving and rushed out again.
"My heart was pounding and I was furious. After he put on his suit and tie, he came hurrying back just after I had gotten out of the tub. I had the towel wrapped around me, but before I could protest, he grabbed his hairbrush, swiped himself a few times, and then turned and asked me, had the nerve to ask me, how he looked.
"'Like a moron!' I screamed at him.
"He stood there, chewing his lip for a moment, nodded and then walked out of the apartment. That night I fixed the lock, even though it wasn't strong enough to hold him back if he ever wanted to come in."
"Did you tell your mother what happened?" Misty asked.
"No. She didn't get home until very late and even if I got up to talk to her, she wouldn't have been in any sort of condition to listen or care.
"Besides, what was I going to complain about? She would only have defended him for having to hurry and she'd say I was lollygagging in the tub or something. She'd defend him no matter what. I sensed that from the start."
"I always thought most mothers would defend their children no matter what," Misty muttered.
Jade snorted and Cathy shook her head.
"Not no matter what," Cathy said in a voice just a shade above a whisper.
"Momma never wanted us and she never made a big secret of it," I said.
"What was your grandmother doing all this time you were living with that monster in your house?" Jade asked, not hiding her anger.
"She wouldn't have hesitated to come over and get me and Rodney if I told her all the grimy details," I said, "but I couldn't for a long time."
"Why not?" Misty asked
"About a month before Aaron moved in with us, Granny had a heart attack," I said. It brought tears to my eyes just to mention it. "I didn't even know it had happened for two days afterward. Momma had kept it to herself. She probably knew I'd want to get down to the hospital right away and she didn't want to deal with it. She actually went to work the night they took Granny into the hospital. I found that out later, too.
"One of Granny's friends, Mary Wiggins, luckily had come to visit with her just minutes after Granny lost her breath and sat herself down on the floor in front of the sofa in her living room. That's the way Mary found her, clutching her breast, her eyes closed, gasping.
"She had the sense to call nine-one-one immediately and then tried to keep Granny calm. Granny was calm, even though she was struggling to breathe. I never saw anyone as calm about her own possible death as Granny. She has this abiding faith in the hereafter."
"What about you?" Misty asked. She looked at me like my answer really would matter to her.
"I always thought that if things were going to be good afterward, why couldn't they be good now? No one's looking after me in this world, why should I expect anyone will be in the next?" I told her. She nodded slowly, thinking. "We'll probably be on our own just as much," I added.
"My mother says this whole life is just a test:' Cat offered.
"Yeah, well, I'd just as soon cheat and pass then:' I said.
Jade laughed and Misty folded her face into a small smile, like someone half in and half out of a dream.
"Anyway, the way I found out about Granny was the hospital called for Momma while she was working. Granny wanted some things from her apartment and had asked the nurse to contact Momma. I felt real stupid not knowing she was in the hospital, stupid and angry.
"As soon as I hung up the phone, I searched through the dresser drawers in Momma's bedroom until I found where she hid some money. It was suppertime, but I grabbed Rodney's hand and dragged him out with me to the waiting taxicab that took us to the hospital. When we got there, I bought Rodney a candy bar to keep him satisfied while I went up to what they call the CCU and asked for Mrs. Patton. I thought they might not let me in, but when the nurse heard I was her granddaughter, she said it was okay. She said, `It's about time someone came to visit her.'
"I started to cry and told her I had just learned my granny was there. My mother hadn't told me. The nurse softened her disapproving look and took me to Granny's bedside. She said Granny was doing very well, that the doctors decided there wasn't very much damage to her heart muscle, but she would have what they called angina pain from time to time. It was treatable, she said. I guess she was happy to finally have someone to talk to about Granny, someone who cared and would listen.
"Granny was surprised but happy to see me. I told her how Momma hadn't said a word and she just pressed her lips together and shook her head.
"'It's okay. She probably didn't want you worrying,' Granny told me.
"She could forgive Judas," I said.
"Who?" Misty asked.
"Judas. You know, the one who betrayed Jesus."
"Oh."
"I guess you never went to Sunday school?'
"Hardly," she said laughing. "The only prayers I ever heard in my house were, 'God, please don't let that be a gray hair.'
Jade really laughed and Cat widened her eyes and stretched her mouth in glee.
"Anyway, I stayed with her as long as I could and then I took Rodney to the hospital cafeteria and bought him and me some sandwiches with some of the money I had found in Mamma's dresser drawer. Then I did to her what she had done to me."
"What was that?" Jade asked quickly.
"I didn't tell her anything. I got a cab home and Rodney and I did some schoolwork, watched some television and went to bed. I heard Momma come home at night, but I didn't go out to talk to her. In the morning, she was sleeping when Rodney and I got up. I fixed his breakfast and after we both got ready for school, I left without telling her a thing about my hospital visit.
"She was home when we got back from school, but I never mentioned anything then either. I could tell she hadn't called the hospital because Granny would surely have said something about my visiting her.
"Momma didn't find out until the day after that when she finally checked on Granny, who I knew had been moved out of the CCU and into a room for a few more days of observation. I came home with Rodney and Momma was confused almost as much as she was upset. It was like she couldn't understand what had happened. Had she told me or hadn't she? I could see the uncertainty in her eyes.
" 'Why didn't you tell me you saw Granny in the hospital?' she demanded. 'You made me look like a fool.'
"'You don't need me to do that. You do it yourself,' I said and she slapped me.
"'Don't you talk back to me like that!' she screamed.
"'Why didn't you tell me about Granny?' I wailed through my tears. 'The nurses thought nobody cared about her. You didn't even call to see how she was doing.'
"'It's none of their damn business. Everybody sticks their nose in my life. I didn't tell you 'cause I knew you'd go off on me and carry on and make things harder.'
"She paused, thinking for a moment.
"'How did you get there and back?' she asked. 'Where'd you get the money for carfare?'
"I didn't answer and she went stomping into her room and searched her drawer.
"'You stole from me!' she screamed. 'You went and took my rainy day stash.'
"'That wasn't there for a rainy day, Momma,' I said. 'It's been raining around here for some time and you never touch it until you want to buy yourself some vodka or whiskey,' I fired back at her.
"She gaped at me, raised her finger to point and then looked at Rodney, who was staring up at her with his eyes full of fear. It slowed her down and all she did was shake her head.
"'You two kids are punishment for me, that's all. I'm being punished for having you.'
"'What should we say, Momma? We don't drink and get into fights
at
One-Eyed Bill's. I don't bring a man home to be in my bed,' I said, the tears streaming down my cheeks, 'look how we're being punished.'
"'You're a regular smarty pants,' she said nodding her head slowly. 'Okay, don't feel sorry for me, a woman with kids deserted. I only hope nothing like this happens to you someday. Then you'll be sorry for what you say to me,' she whined. 'I do my best with what little I have.'
"She sat herself down and sobbed. Rodney, who started trembling and crying himself, went to her when she held open her arms and she clung to him, crying over him, trying to make me feel like I was the bad one. In the end I did say I was sorry and she cried about how she wished she could do more for her old, sick mother, but she was just overwhelmed and I should be understanding.
"I
didn't say anything more. A little less than a week later, Granny went home from the hospital. We went to visit her and she did seem okay. Most of the visit, Momma complained about her own problems anyway, so Granny wouldn't have had a chance to talk about herself much even if it was in her nature to do so, which it wasn't.
"I checked on her as much as I could, took the bus to see her whenever I had the chance, and then, as I told you, Aaron moved in and our lives were turned even more topsy-turvy for a while.
"Before Daddy had left, Momma at least did a little something for Rodney and me. There were times she did the cooking and she went shopping for stuff we needed. Sometimes, when she drank, she got all maudlin and sobbed, clinging to Rodney and acting as if she was sorry for us. That was about the only time she gave him any real affection.
"I was always more or less on my own, but at least she cared something about him.
"However, after she started with Aaron, she acted more and more like a woman without any responsibilities. Everything that had to be done for us was an effort. She wanted to be free to party and sleep late every morning.
"I got so I didn't care. As I said, I didn't have any social life of my own. I never went to a school party and rarely went to the movies. If I did, I'd have to take Rodney along with me because Momma was never there to watch him at night, especially on the weekend.
"Her conscience reared its weak head from time to time, but when it did, she moaned and groaned about how she had been cheated of her youth by a man who had made her pregnant with me. When Daddy was there, she'd try to make him feel guilty about it. He used to say, 'From the way you talk, Aretha, people might think I raped you.'
"And she would counter with, 'That's what it was. You didn't tie me down, but you tricked me, Kenny Fisher. You bedazzled me before I had enough sense to stop you.'
"He'd laugh at that. He'd look at me and laugh at her. Yesterday, Misty, you were talking about how your parents complained about each other to you. That's what mine did, too, only I was too young to understand most of it. Daddy would turn to me as he laughed and talk about Momma and then she would turn to me and do the same and I'd look from one to the other, not knowing whether I should smile, laugh or burst into tears. Yeah, I got so I wanted to put my hands over my ears like you, too.
"It got so I didn't have to, though. I'd stop hearing them even though they were shouting at me. I didn't see them either. I know because suddenly, I'd blink and discover they were both gone. Daddy had left the house and Momma was in the bedroom mumbling to the mirror.
"I didn't have my magic carpet then, but I guess I still left."
I reached for my glass of water and took a sip. How different all their faces were now, I thought. Jade didn't look as arrogant to me anymore. Misty had lost that cute smile and Cat, who looked everywhere but at me most of the time, stared with eyes that were full of sympathy and understanding.
"One day Aaron and Momma started talking about a vacation they wanted to take. They were planning on driving north to San Francisco where Aaron supposedly had some acquaintances who owed him a good time The plan was to leave us with Granny. I didn't mind that. I was actually looking forward to it.