Star (39 page)

I don't give a goddamn about all that, and you know it.

I'm not so sure of that. Don't you? Why did you marry me, then, if you weren't in love with me? It was a very good question.

I told myself I was in love with you. I thought we could make it work, but we can't, and we have to face that.

You face it. You deal with it. It's your goddamn problem. All you do is whine all the time. Well stop whining and do something about it.

That's what I want to do, God damn it! He pounded the table in front of him, and he was tempted to throw something at her. I want a divorce so I can get us both out of this and start living like a normal human being.

We're not going anywhere, Spencer. We're married, and that's how it's going to stay. For better or worse, until death do us part. So stop bitching and get used to it. Get off your ass, get a job. Do whatever the hell you want, but understand one thing. I'm not going to divorce you. He felt despair envelop him as he listened to her. All he wanted was to go back to Crystal in California.

How long do you think we can go on like this?

Forever. If we have to. It's up to you how difficult you want to make it.

Don't you want more than this? I do. I want someone I can talk to. Someone who wants the same things I do. Life, love, and happiness and children. He was almost in tears. Elizabeth, I want to be happy.

So do I. She looked unsympathetically at him, and suddenly a thought crossed her mind. She had never thought of it before, but she still remembered the way he had looked at the girl in the nightclub that night after their engagement party in San Francisco, and then his announcement two days later that he didn't want to get married. Spencer, she looked straight into his eyes, is there someone else? But he couldn't tell her that. That wasn't the issue. The real issue was that they had made a mistake and it had to be faced. What happened after that was none of her business.

No, there isn't. He wasn't going to tell her about that. He didn't want to cloud the issue.

Are you sure? She knew him better than he liked to think, but he shook his head, determined to lie to her, about Crystal.

It isn't important. What I'm saying to you means a lot more than that. This isn't working for either of us, and it isn't going to. But she had come close to a nerve and it showed, and suddenly she knew it.

It is important. I have a right to know if there is someone.

Would it change anything? He eyed her carefully.

I won't give you a divorce if that's what you want to know. But it would tell me something about you. I think all this nonsense you're complaining about is really to cover something else, isn't it?

I told you, that's not the issue.

I don't believe that.

Elizabeth, be sensible. Please. What could he tell her? That there was another girl? That she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, and he'd been in love with her since she was fourteen? And now they wanted to get married?

My father wanted to introduce you to some important friends today. She was ignoring everything he had said. I think we should go.

For God's sake, we're talking about the rest of our lives. Why won't you listen to reason?

Because your idea of reason is divorce, Spencer. Mine isn't. And I won't let you out of this. It's as simple as that. I'm not going to let you embarrass me publicly. I don't want to be divorced. I want to be married. She had always wanted to be married to him, and she had gotten exactly what she wanted. Almost. But as far as she was concerned, that was all you ever got in life. Almost. It was enough for her, if not for him, and she wasn't going to let him off the hook that easy.

But do you want to be married like this?

Yes. There was no hesitation. One of my father's friends wanted to offer you a job today. I think you should meet him.

I'm tired of your father's friends, and your father.

He's a very important Democrat and it's a government job. She went on as though she hadn't heard him, and Spencer wanted to scream. And he thinks you could be useful to him.

I don't want to be useful to anyone right now. Except myself. And you. I want to sort this mess out.

There is no mess, Spencer. Not as far as I'm concerned. And I'm not going to set you free, so forget it. And as he looked at her, he knew that she meant it. She was never going to agree to divorce him. He was trapped. Perhaps forever.

You mean that, don't you?

Totally. She looked coolly at her watch. We have to be there at noon. I suggest you get dressed now.

I'm not a child, Elizabeth. I don't want to be told what to do, when to dress and when to eat, and when to go to a party. I'm a man, and I want to live with a woman who loves me.

I'm sorry. She stood up and looked at him coldly. He had destroyed any hope of that, but she still wasn't going to let him go. And she was convinced there was another woman. But whoever she was, she wasn't going to get him. You'll have to make do with this, won't you? She quietly left the room then, and an hour later she was downstairs in a crisp navy blue suit, and the navy alligator bag and pumps her father had given her for her birthday. And hating himself for giving in to her, Spencer was dressed too. He was wearing a gray suit, and a face that would have been perfect for a funeral.

She chatted with him pleasantly, as though nothing had come between them. He felt as though his life were over. The part that mattered anyway. He felt hopeless. And her father's friend was, predictably, both serious and important. He offered Spencer a job in a government office that would have interested him if he wanted to stay in Washington, and if he wanted a job that had come to him essentially because of the Barclays. But the job that had been offered him was a good one. It was the first offer he'd had that interested him, and he told the man he'd think it over. More to be polite than because he meant it. All he really wanted was to talk to Crystal. But when he called her late that night, when Elizabeth was in bed, he learned that Crystal had fared no better. Ernie watched her night and day, and once or twice she thought he was having her followed. She was even afraid to talk to Spencer on the phone, but luckily Ernie was out when Spencer called her. She told him only that Ernie had threatened her. But in truth she feared for Spencer's life now. She knew that Ernie meant business.

Ernie came to the set unexpectedly these days, sat in her dressing room, monitored her calls, though she got very few. The only thing she was allowed to do was to go to work and go home to Ernie. He didn't beat her up again, he never raped her, he didn't touch her. He didn't have to. He just told her he would kill Spencer. And the day after he had raped her, he came home with an enormous diamond necklace. He had smiled at her wickedly and the card read, Think of it as a chastity belt. Love, Ernie. But there was no doubt in her mind now what would happen to her if she tried to leave him for Spencer. He would kill them both. Of that she was certain. And he said so.

She knew now what she had to do. She had to let Spencer go, for his sake. She couldn't even tell him why. She was too afraid to tell him the truth, afraid he'd retaliate, or come back to California to try and rescue her from Ernie.

How's it going out there? Spencer sounded exhausted when he called. It was after midnight and he was emotionally drained from the strain of trying to convince Elizabeth, unsuccessfully, to divorce him.

It's been difficult. Crystal spoke in a quiet voice. It was the first time she'd talked to him in days, and tears filled her eyes as she thought of what she'd have to say. But she had to. For his sake.

That's the understatement of the year, isn't it? He tried to make light of it but they were both depressed and you could hear it. He had made his first big mistake when he'd decided to go ahead and marry Elizabeth when he knew he didn't love her. He had listened to everyone except himself. And he had thought he was doing it for all the right reasons. He had even tried to convince himself that he did love her, and that his feelings for Crystal were only an infatuation.

Have you spoken to Elizabeth?

Yes. Not that I've gotten anywhere. She absolutely refuses to cooperate, and other than beat her up, or catch her in bed with someone else, I'm not going to have grounds for divorce unless she agrees. But I'm not going to give up. Just give it a while, Crystal, I'll convince her. He didn't know how yet, but he'd have to. But he was in no way prepared for Crystal's next words. They hit him like a wrecker's ball in his guts as he listened.

You don't need to do that. Ernie and I have been talking it over, and ' She almost choked on the words, but forced herself to sound normal. It was the hardest role of her career, but she believed that Spencer's life depended on it, and she had to convince him, no matter what he thought of her after. That was no longer important. She had begun to understand what Ernie's role was in Hollywood. She had heard people talk about him on the set when they'd seen him with her. And rumors of his connections frightened her. There was more to Ernie than met the eye, and there were supposedly dangerous people behind him. And to them, Crystal represented the prospect of a great deal of money. He thinks it'll hurt my career if I leave him now. She went on, The publicity could hurt me very badly.

Spencer felt his heart stop as he listened. What are you saying to me?

I'm saying ' She forced a cool note into her voice, which was foreign to her. Her voice was normally filled with warmth and passion, just like her singing. I'm saying that I don't think you should come back out. I'm not ready to make any changes.

You're staying with him? Because of what people might say? Have you gone crazy?

No, she sounded so real that it broke her heart to say the words, but better to hurt him like this than to let Ernie do it with his minions. I think I went a little crazy when I saw you. I couldn't help it ' it had been so long and ' I don't know. Maybe I was just playing a part ' the part of the long-lost lover and the little girl who once loved him. Tears rolled down her cheeks like sheets of rain but her voice was steady.

Are you telling me you don't love me?

She swallowed hard, thinking only of him, and not herself, and the empty life that stretched before her. I think that was all so long ago ' I think we both got carried away when we saw each other.

Don't give me that shit! I didn't get carried away' by anything. I survived three years of that goddamn ugly little war just to come back to you and tell you I loved you. He was almost shouting at her, and had to remind himself to keep his voice down. Elizabeth was asleep upstairs and he didn't want to wake her. Maybe I waited too long. Maybe I was a damn fool to do a lot of things. God knows I seem to have screwed everyone's life up, but one thing I can tell you and that was that I was not carried away' or playing a part when I saw you. I love you. I'm ready to come out and marry you, as soon as I get this mess settled here, and I want to know what the hell you're really saying.

I'm saying ' that it's over. There was an endless silence on both ends, and his voice was deep and raw when he answered.

Are you serious? There was a sob in his throat, but he held it fast as he waited.

Yes. She could barely speak. Yes, I'm serious. My career is too important to me now ' and I owe too much to Ernie.

Is he forcing you to say this to me? And then a sudden thought. Is he there? That would explain everything. She couldn't mean it. He had seen her face, and he knew that she still loved him. At least he had thought so.

Of course not. He wouldn't force me to say anything. It was a lie on top of all the other lies she had told him to protect him. I don't want you to come out here. I don't think we should see each other anymore, even as friends. There's no point, Spencer, it's all over.

I don't know what to say to you. He was crying, but he wouldn't let her hear it. For a moment, he felt as though he had survived the war for nothing.

Just take care of yourself. And, Spencer '

What? He sounded as though someone had died.

I don't want you to call me.

I understand. Have a nice life, as they say. He wasn't bitter, he was broken. But I want you to know something, if you ever need me, I'll be there. All you have to do is call me. And if you change your mind ' His voice drifted off as they thought about each other, but she had to kill any hope he had, it was too important.

I won't. Her face was deathly pale, but he couldn't see that. She had done what she knew she had to, and now all she had left in the world was Ernie. It was a terrifying thought, but she couldn't think of it now. And for these last minutes she could cling to Spencer, even if he didn't know it. She didn't want to hang up yet. She wanted to hear his voice, to listen to him, to be near him for one last moment. What are you going to do about Elizabeth? It was something to say, and in truth she had wondered.

I don't know. She says she won't let me go. Maybe she won't, or maybe she'll get bored with this in time. We certainly don't have a marriage.

Why does she want you then? Tears were pouring down her cheeks as she tried to drag out the conversation.

She doesn't want to lose face. And I think this is all she ever wanted. Someone to play golf with her father, and take to parties. It was an oversimplification but not by much, not by his standards at least. It was certainly nothing like what he had shared with Crystal. And odd as it was, as little time as he had spent with her, he felt as though he knew Crystal better than he knew his wife, or better than he ever would know her. I don't know what I'm going to do now. Stay in Washington, or go back to New York, walk out on her, or take the job he had just been offered. It didn't matter anymore. He felt like a robot. Anyway, I guess that's a wrap, as they say ' or don't they really say that?

Yes, they do. She was silent for a minute, aching to tell him that she loved him. She hated the thought of leaving him believing that she no longer loved him. I guess it is ' a wrap, I mean.

Be good to yourself, Crystal ' take care ' And then the words that almost broke her heart as he hung up, I'll always love you. And then he set down the phone, and sat in the little study Elizabeth had decorated for him, crying like a child who had lost his mother. He sat there and cried for hours, remembering her, savoring the moments they had shared, and trying to believe she knew what she was doing. It was difficult to believe this was what she wanted now, her career instead of him. He knew how important her dreams of Hollywood had been to her, but somehow this seemed unlike her. But he knew he had to respect her wishes now. He owed her that much. All he had to figure out was how to go on living without her.

And in California, Crystal set the phone down with shaking hands. Her whole body felt like ice, and she knew she had done the only thing she could, but she felt as though she had destroyed everything that had ever mattered to her. She had sold her soul unknowingly to an evil man, and now she had to pay the price that she would regret for the rest of her life. And none of it was worth it.

She sat staring into space for a long time, unable to believe that he was really gone. It was as though he had died, and she had killed him. It reminded her of what she felt when Jared died, the emptiness, the guilt, and the loneliness that overwhelmed her.

What are you looking so cheerful about? She looked up with a start. She hadn't even heard him Walk into the room, but Ernie was standing in front of her, looking angry. Something wrong? She shook her head. She didn't even want to speak to him. Good. Then get dressed. We're going to a premiere tonight. And afterward there are some producers I want to show you off to.

I can't ' She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. I don't feel well.

Sure you do. He poured a drink at the bar and handed it to her. She took a sip and set it down, not feeling any better. Drinks weren't going to help. Nothing would. But Ernie smiled at her with an encouraging look. You're a good girl. Now go get dressed. We have to leave in half an hour. She looked up at him emptily, and then stood up, and walked slowly toward their bedroom as he watched her. And she didn't know it, but he was pleased with her. He had been listening to her phone call on the machine he kept hidden in his office.

She went out with him that night and there were photographers everywhere. Photographers who took photographs of her looking smashing on Ernie's arm. She was quiet and pale, but no one even noticed. They had arrived late at the premiere, but Ernie didn't care. It only drew a little more attention. He patted her arm as they walked in, and he was happy with her when the producers liked her. She hardly spoke to them, or to him. She was lost in another world, a world that no longer existed. The one she had once shared with Spencer.

By Thanksgiving, Spencer had taken the government job he'd been offered by Justice Barclay's friends. It felt like a sellout, but he knew he had to do something to keep his mind alive. He couldn't go on sitting at home, waiting for something to change. Nothing was going to. Elizabeth wasn't going to let him go, and Crystal had told him she didn't want him to come back to her in California.

But at least he found that he liked the job, much to his surprise, and by Christmas things were settling down, except that he felt as though part of him had died when he gave up Crystal. It made him plunge into his work, working night and day, and he found that he liked politics more than he had expected.

Washington was exciting and fun, and he would have been happy, were it not for the wasteland of his relationship with Elizabeth. Any hope of establishing a closeness with her had been shattered when he asked her for a divorce. And in the subsequent turmoil, it was obvious that he didn't like her and she didn't trust him. And he felt tied to her now for all the wrong reasons.

She was a lively companion when she wanted to be, she was intelligent and witty and amusing. But their life had changed immeasurably after he told her he didn't love her. It had been a foolish thing to do, but he had been operating from desperation and raw emotion and the hope he had of marrying Crystal. Elizabeth never mentioned it, but he knew she would always hold it against him. Their early passion was all but forgotten now, and although they had begun to make love again, it was with restraint and regret, and a certain bitterness felt by both. But to those who knew them, they seemed like a happy, fulfilled, well-adjusted couple. They played the game well. And their disappointments with each other were kept private. She was pleased about his job, and to her that was most important. His only contact with Crystal was in darkened theaters now. He had gone to see Crystal's first film, one night when Elizabeth was working late, and after they got back from Palm Beach, he read that she was due to star in a big movie.

She wasn't a major star yet, but she was on demand everywhere, and he knew all of the studios who wanted her had to contend with Ernie. She was making a fortune for him and the men he fronted for, which was why he had threatened to kill her if she left him. He had been protecting his investment. The papers said she was due to start her new film in June, and in the meantime, she made news frequently on Ernie's arm, or with well-known stars Ernie set her up with for the publicity they got her. She appeared in the columns regularly, and her face was known to ever-growing numbers.

She was off to a good start, but Spencer shuddered to think what her life was like with Ernie. It made Spencer sick to think about it, and more often than not, he tried not to.

And when she started the movie in June, on location in Palm Springs, Spencer was in Boston with his new boss, lining up political connections. There was a young senator they were talking to, and several others they had meetings with before he went back to Washington. Elizabeth quit her job in the fall. She had decided to go to law school. And she was pleased with Spencer. He was doing well, and her father approved. Spencer was doing exactly what she wanted. And that made her a little more friendly toward him. He hadn't mentioned the divorce again, and she assumed he finally had come to his senses.

And when the phone rang on a cool November afternoon, Elizabeth was still at school, and Spencer had just come in from the office. He hadn't read the afternoon paper yet, and he hadn't heard the news. His heart stopped as he picked up the phone and heard jagged sobbing. The operator had put the call through and all he knew was that it was long-distance. But it was several minutes before he heard her voice, and his heart almost stopped when he realized it was Crystal. It had been over a year since he'd seen her.

Crystal ' is that you?

There was silence at the other end, and only the crackling of the static. For a moment he thought they'd been cut off, and then he heard her again, crying hysterically and saying something he couldn't understand. He wondered if she was hurt, and he was desperate to find her.

Where are you? Where are you calling from? he shouted to no avail, and then he heard her crying again. The only intelligible word she had said so far was his name. The rest was impossible to decipher. He looked at his watch and realized that it was three o'clock in the afternoon in California. Crystal ' listen to me ' try to get a hold on yourself ' talk to me. What's wrong? Everything, apparently. And he was ready to cry, too, in desperate frustration. Crystal! Can you hear me?

Yes, it was a low moan as she started to sob again.

What is it, darling? Where are you? He had forgotten where he was. All he could think of was the girl on the other end. He wished he could be there to help her, but thank God she had called him. And if that son of a bitch had touched her he was going to kill him.

The crying subsided a little and he heard her take a breath. Spencer ' I need you ' He closed his eyes as he listened, waiting for the rest of it. I'm in jail.

His eyes flew open instantly, and his whole body tensed. For what?

There was a long pause and a wrenching sob as she almost choked, and then silence again. For murder.

He felt the room spin around him as he listened. Are you serious? He knew she had to be, as a chill ran through him.

I didn't do it. ' I swear ' someone killed Ernie last night ' in Malibu' . She tried to explain the rest to him, but she was still too upset and he couldn't understand her. Instinctively he grabbed a pencil and started scribbling the little he could understand. She was in the L.A. jail, and they had found his body in the house in Malibu that morning. And then they had come to Beverly Hills and taken her away and booked her for murder.