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I can't help that. That's just the way it is. But after waiting three years, I'm not going to call it quits now, if that's what you're suggesting. Her eyes were hard as rocks, and he could feel his heart sink as he watched her.

Why? Why not? Why go on with it? We're only going to make each other unhappy. He was trying to reason with her, but he could see that she didn't want to hear it.

Not necessarily. We have a lot to offer each other. We always did, I always thought so.

And I always had doubts. I told you that when we got engaged.

And I told you I didn't care. We have exactly what we need to make a good marriage. Good careers, bright minds, interesting lives, those are the things that the best marriages are made of.

Not where I come from. What about love, tenderness, loyalty, children? But how loyal had he and Crystal been to each other? They were both living with other people. He tried not to think about it as he talked to Elizabeth. But whatever they had, it was more than he and Elizabeth would ever dream of.

You read too many novels. You've been away from real life for too long, Spencer. Sure, those things are important, but they're the window dressing, not the foundation. But everything she said told him what he already knew. That they were just too different. The same things didn't matter to them. He wanted love. And she wanted big business.

What do you feel for me? He turned to her suddenly with a look of anguish. I mean really? What do you feel when I lie next to you in bed at night? Passion, love, desire, friendship? Or do you feel as lonely as I am. They had only made love once since he'd been back, and it had been a disaster.

I feel sorry for you. She looked him in the eye and spoke very coolly. I think you're looking for something that doesn't exist. You always have been. But what if he told her he had found it? He didn't want to tell her that, though. He wanted to leave her, but there was no need to hurt her unduly. He didn't want that. He just wanted his life back. But it was obvious that she didn't want to give it to him. I think you're a dreamer' . And I think you have to start living in the world around you, the world we live in, Spencer. A world full of important people with important careers. They're all doing useful things, they're not sitting around holding hands with their wives and fawning over their children.

Then I feel sorry for them, and for you, if that's how you see it.

You have to pull yourself together, get a job in Washington, start making friends, seeing the people who count '

Like the people your father knows? He cut her off, his eyes beginning to burn with anger. He was sick and tired of them, and their constant search for ever greater importance. What was important to them didn't matter one whit to him. Especially now, after three years in Korea.

Yes, like them. What's wrong with them?

Nothing. Except that I don't like them.

You're lucky they even talk to you. She was angry at him too. She was tired of his looking uncomfortable at every party they went to. You're lucky I married you. And you're even luckier that I'm too smart to divorce you. You're going to make something of yourself one day, and I'm going to see to it that you do it. And one day, Spencer Hill, you'll thank me.

He looked at her and he laughed. He laughed until the tears rolled down his cheeks. She was the most self-centered woman he'd ever met, and she was sure she was right. But she was also a force to contend with.

What exactly are you planning to make of me, Elizabeth? How about president? Or king? That might be fun ' actually, I might like that.

Don't be a fool. You could be anything you wanted to be. Every door in Washington is open to you, right up to the Cabinet, if you play your cards right.

And if I don't want to play?

That's your choice. But I meant what I said. If you want a divorce, I'm not going to give it to you. He hadn't even asked her yet, but he already had his answer.

Why would you want to stay married if I don't? He couldn't understand it, but she was very clear about how she felt and she laid it on the line as she got up and looked down at him with an expression of pure iron.

I'm not going to let you embarrass me after all this time. I waited for you, now you have to pay your dues. The price isn't all that high if you give it some thought. You could do worse. And then, as an afterthought, Besides, I happen to love you. It might have touched him to hear it if she'd said it differently and a little sooner.

I'm not sure you know the meaning of the word.

Maybe not. She looked unmoved. But in that case, Spencer, you can teach me. And with that, she walked into the bathroom, and locked the door behind her. He heard her run her bath, and half an hour later, she emerged again, looking pristine, in white slacks and an impeccably pressed white silk shirt, white shoes, her pearls clasped around her neck, and a pair of pearl and diamond earrings. She was a pretty girl, but nothing about her touched him or warmed him. Are you coming down for breakfast or do you want to get some sleep? They both knew he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, but he looked awful. The night had taken its toll on him, and the morning hadn't been much better. The news that she wouldn't divorce him put a knife in his heart that was so full of Crystal.

I'll come down in a while.

Good. And we're expected at the Houstons' today for lunch. I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear it.

Thrilled. But in an odd way, he felt relieved after talking to her. At least he no longer had to make the pretense that he could hardly wait to get on with their marriage. She knew where he stood, and unfortunately he also knew where she did. He looked at her again as she prepared to leave the room. Are you serious, Liz? His voice was gentle. He wanted to make her see how hopeless it was for them to stay together.

About what? Staying with you? He nodded. Yes, I am.

Why? Why can't you admit it's all wrong? What's the point of forcing it?

I told you, I'm not going to let you make me look like a fool. And besides, it would be an embarrassment to my father.

That's the worst reason I've ever heard.

Then think of your own reasons if you want. But I meant it. And I think in the long run we'll both be happy we stuck with it. He couldn't believe she was saying that, but without another word, she left the room and went downstairs for breakfast, as Spencer lay in bed and thought of Crystal.

She had had her own problems that night. She hadn't finished work until ten. One of the klieg lights broke, and a major piece of scenery after that. They had stood around for hours, and it was midnight when she got home, and Ernie was waiting for her.

What did you do today? He looked unruffled as he watched her undress. She was bone tired, and she'd been thinking of Spencer all night and what she had to do, and say to Ernie.

Nothing much. The lights broke, and we got stuck on the set for hours. And they had all complained endlessly about the heat, the long wait, and the commissary food for dinner.

That's all? He wandered slowly over to where she stood, naked beneath her dressing gown.

Sure. Why?

He grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her head sharply back, wrenching it as hard as he could as she gasped and fought to get away from him. Don't ever cheat on me!

Ernie! ' I ' But the words froze on her lips. She could see in his eyes that he knew Spencer had been at the studio with her. I had a visit from an old friend ' that's all ' He yanked her hair hard again, and her eyes filled with tears from fear and pain.

Don't lie to me! It's the guy from Korea, isn't it? He was smart and the timing was right. He had figured it out, just on a hunch, when the maid told him a man had called, and he went to the set to see if there was anyone there with her. He had arrived just in time to see them disappear into her dressing room. And he had waited a long time before they came out again, looking at each other like long-lost lovers.

Yes ' yes ' She was breathless as he twisted her hair in his hands. That's who he was ' I'm sorry ' I didn't know you'd be upset '

Stupid bitch. He slapped her hard across the face and threw her halfway across the room. If you see him again, or call him, or talk to him, something ugly is going to happen to him. You got that, Miss Purity?

Yes ' Ernie, please ' She was horrified. She had never seen that side of him before.

Now take off your clothes. She gasped at the look on his face, and he wasn't even drunk. But there was a look in his eyes that terrified her as he strode purposefully across the room toward her. He ripped the dressing gown off her back and she stood trembling and naked before him. And remember one thing, you belong to me now! No one else! Me ' because I own you! Is that clear? She nodded, with tears streaming down her cheeks as he slapped her again, and without further ceremony he threw her into a nearby chair and tossed his own dressing gown off as he laughed at the fear in her eyes. That's right. I'm going to do exactly what I want, because I own you. And he took her with such force, such brutality, that this time when she screamed, it wasn't with pleasure but with pain, and when he was through, with a single gesture, he threw her to the floor where she lay sobbing in agony. It was just like what Tom Parker had done, worse in some ways, because she had trusted Ernie. She should have left with Spencer that afternoon. She knew it now, but it was too late. It was much, much later than she knew, and she was terrified of what he might do to Spencer if he meant what he said. And she wouldn't do anything to risk Spencer. Even if it killed her.

He looked down at her lying there, and laughed as she cried, not daring to look at him. Get up! He yanked her up by a handful of hair again, her eyes staring wildly around her in terror. And if you ever see him again, Crystal Wyatt ' I'll kill you. He went to bed and she went to the bathroom to throw up, and when she looked in the mirror, the eyes that she saw there were empty. He had given her everything and now he thought he owned her. But one thing was certain, she knew now what would happen if she tried to leave him for Spencer.

Spencer and Elizabeth flew to Washington on September sixth, with the senior Barclays. It had been an agonizing week for him. The strain between them had been killing. But she had gone on, as though nothing were wrong, determined to continue the illusion of their marriage. He didn't know how he was going to get through to her, but in a month, he wanted to be back in California with Crystal. And he was going to broach the subject of a divorce with Elizabeth again the moment they got to Georgetown. Her resistance to the idea had come as a complete surprise to him. He and Crystal had both been naive about their partners' willingness to give them up, and all Spencer thought about now was how to convince Elizabeth to divorce him.

But when they arrived in Washington, she was so proud of the little house, so busy with her friends, and so busy with her job that he hardly saw her. She hired a housekeeper to cook and clean for them, and they seemed to be invited to every party in town. To Spencer it seemed almost hopeless. He felt as though he were drowning in a sea of people, night and day, and each time he tried to talk to her, she somehow avoided the subject. And then finally on the second weekend they were home, he exploded at her over breakfast. She had just told him that she had accepted an invitation for lunch at her parents' that day, and she thought he might like to play golf with her father.

For chrissake, Elizabeth, we can't go on like this. You can't just go on pretending that nothing's wrong. For him, nothing had changed since Lake Tahoe or long before that.

I told you before how I felt, Spencer. This is it. For life. You might as well stop fighting it, and enjoy it. She looked as cool and controlled as she always did and it was driving him crazy.

He sat down and ran a hand through his hair in the familiar gesture she had not yet come to regard with affection. In truth, it annoyed her. But she was prepared to put up with anything. This was their life, and he was her husband.

We have to talk. His eyes were unrelenting. She was a decent woman and he appreciated what she had done for him. But this wasn't what he wanted. He knew that now. He was sure of it. And he didn't want a marriage that was all pretense and appearance.

What do you want to talk about? Her tone was icy. She was sick of his apparent difficulty in adjusting. As far as she could see, he had everything he wanted. A nice home, a maid to wait on him, an interesting wife with a good job, and important in-laws. But Spencer didn't see it that way. Not by a long shot

We have to talk about our marriage.

An icy look came into her eyes. She had heard about it before, and she wasn't interested in pursuing the subject. She wasn't going to give him a divorce. He was just going to have to grow up and face it.

There's nothing to talk about.

I know, he said ruefully. That's exactly the problem.

The problem is that you're still thrashing around fighting it, and when you stop doing that, things will go a lot better. Look at my parents. Do you think it's always been easy for them? I'm sure it hasn't. They worked it out. So can we, if you'd finally accept what is and get on with it. She looked extremely unsympathetic.

What is' for me, he said, and tried to speak calmly to her, is that I don't consider this a marriage.

I don't agree with you. She looked angry, but not sad. She was tired of talking about the problem.

We're not in love with each other. We never were. Doesn't that matter to you?

Of course it does. But that will come later. She sounded unconcerned, which made him feel even more crazy.

When? When do you think that comes, Elizabeth? At sixty-five, like a retirement pension, or a bonus? It's either there at the beginning, or it isn't. And it never was for me. I tried to tell myself that it was, but it wasn't. I wanted out right after we got engaged, and I said so. I let you talk me into this and I was a damn fool, and I knew it. It wasn't fair to you, or to me, and now we're paying the price for your being so goddamn stubborn.

What price are you paying? She was angry now and it showed, finally. The price of comfort, of having a wife you can be proud to be married to or a father-in-law who's one of the most important men in the country?