Stand by Your Manhood (20 page)

Traditionally, the natural progression, or common bedfellow, of choosing whether to marry is whether to become a father. If the thirty-four years of putting my dad through his paces have taught me anything, it’s that fatherhood is never, ever easy.

In fact, it’s at least eighteen years of hard labour with a job description that combines teacher, doctor, social worker, entertainer, banker, removal man, therapist, driver and mediator, forever, without pay, whilst working full-time and being told to ‘do more round the home’
by journalists with nannies. So it goes without saying that becoming a father should not be left to chance.

The rules are simple: do not become a parent unless it’s something you absolutely, utterly want and plan. This isn’t just a single, solitary decision you’ll make once and never again – it’ll need to be a religion you practice every time you have sex.

This sounds obvious, but I’m amazed at how many men sleep around without a condom, assuming their partners possess the same attitude to child-free life as they do – and always will. Perhaps these guys think it’s rude to micro-manage their sperm during the heat of the moment, but this is mad considering nothing kills sex lives more than a screaming baby.

Don’t be this guy. Even if it means you sometimes go home alone, WHICH IS ALSO OK. You do not need to sleep with every woman who offers you sex. In fact, the power in this is huge. Try it and watch your own stock rise.

Understandably, this can be tricky in the confines of a relationship – generally, you’ll need and want to sleep with your partner on occasion (well, at least in the first few years) – but remember: when it comes to compromise, sperm is not something to be generous with. Women will not die without it. (OK, actually, we would
all
die without it – but not for a few million years, so
relax. You are not personally obliged to top up the population, especially as it’s already at breaking point).

If the decision to have a child with your other half ever reaches a stand-off, be alert to the value others place on those cheeky swimmers. I don’t want to be as blunt as to say: ‘Men, don’t leave your sperm lying around’, but men, please don’t leave your sperm lying around, especially in condoms where it’s preserved in handy packaging for people to use as impromptu self-insemination devices, because once your semen is off fertilising, your choices are fried.

Whilst you’re at it, stop concerning yourself with ejaculation being premature and, instead, make it
mature
. Do this by embracing our oldest, most reliable survival technique: fear. This emotion normally means you’re doing something potentially fate-changing. Of which sex is. Thus, treat sperm accordingly – with a healthy, respectful, life-affirming fear.

The media lies, constantly. The entire Leveson Inquiry was built on this fact, so mistrust everything that disses masculinity.

See, the media not only deceives, it also has an agenda and, currently, that agenda is to flatter women by making men look like perennial idiots.

This might seem good humour, but the constant drip, drip, drip can nag our brains into a sad, subconscious submission that works against us.

Looking back on my own experiences of media malaise, there was certainly a time when I
almost
believed I was worth less in society’s eyes because I’m a man. I accepted women as better, more complex creatures because that message was so frequently asserted. Rather ironic considering how women used to be portrayed.

It was only when I allowed myself to see faults in all this and – in turn – question the messages underpinning musicals, computer games, talk shows, cartoons, novels and magazines – that I was eventually free of it. Try it yourself.

One of the best tips for instant relief is to avoid soap operas. Every single one of them portray men as weak and dishonest, whilst the women are all strong, stoic matriarchs. Sod that.

‘Bad dads’ in TV adverts is another one to avoid, but don’t get angry, get analytical.

‘Crap fathers are simply seen as an easy target, with broad enough shoulders to take blatant sexism in good humour,’ says Jon Sutton, a chartered psychologist who blogs on parenthood.

Find your own version of this and wear it like a visor.

If there’s one thing we truly need in order to succeed as a Suffragent, it’s the minor matter of life itself.

Granted, this might sound a tad obvious, but considering we’re forced to work harder at survival than everyone else, it’s worth reiterating here.

Only recently a life-extending prostate cancer drug called Abiraterone was denied by the National Institute for Health
and Care Excellence because it was deemed ‘too expensive’ at £100 per person – even though it potentially offers terminal patients an extra five years of life. Yep, that’s how much you’re
not
worth!

This isn’t a cherry-picked case, it’s proof of a culture where men die sooner so women live longer.

So, instead of holding your breath in anticipation of it improving – despite the fact nobody’s actually paid to make it happen, such as a Health Minister for Men – commit to managing it yourself. Close your own life expectancy gap and those of the men you love. Be your own one-man army. Go to the gym (but to shift fat from around your middle, not to bulk up), keep tabs on the fags and the booze, live by the 5:2, don’t go to work sick – stay home and rest – play Sunday-league football, vow to burn 1,000 calories each week, and chomp statins – or at least a daily aspirin, which thins the blood for better circulation.

Make your own bespoke health plan, too. Learn what issues affect the men in your family and identify ways to offset them. Take advantage of office gyms or workplace health policies. Try alternative therapies and combination supplements.

Then, take time to review yourself mentally. Regard it as a diagnostics check. Are you happy in life? Feeling OK? Depressed? Stressed? Once this is all clear, or cleared up, check others are also OK. Instil this kind of dual thinking
in friends and family. From here, take it outwards. Suggest men-specific initiatives in your local health centre or school. Ask your GP surgery to open late for guys who spend all day in the office and can’t make 9–5 appointments.

Then, take time to pressure your local care providers for details of what they spend across the gender lines. Get itemised bills via Freedom of Information requests and share them on social networking sites. Give them to newspaper journalists and use humour to highlight the bias. This will further engage people.

But, ultimately, use healthcare sexism as your own personal trainer. Imagine Mr Motivator meets Jeremy Hunt.

Then, ask the likes of Nicky Morgan, Minister for Equalities, exactly what she’s doing about it all. She works for you, so ensure she justifies her salary.

Sometimes, understanding how little people care can be a life-saving catalyst in itself. This gives a whole new meaning to the term fighting fit. And, if you’re going to fight, fight hard. Then win.

Read that subtitle again, carefully. And once more, please. Clarity is essential here because what I’m asking you to
do is be discerning about feminism,
not
equality. The two aren’t necessarily synonymous and this isn’t
Mein Kampf.

Instead, at the risk of having faecal matter posted through my letterbox, I’m suggesting we apply some quality-control to a political movement which – for all its achievements and success stories – is still an ideology like socialism or Marxism and, like them, has followers on a spectrum of moderate to extreme.

Germaine Greer once said that women have no idea how much men hate them. Fortunately, we have countless examples of how much the sisterhood can despise us. Sadly, just as there are men’s rights campaigners who are misogynists in moral drag, there are plenty of women who hate blokes with an irrational, catch-all passion – yet dress everything up as women’s liberation, which is both classic denial and really bad PR for people who just want a level playing field.

After all, when a group of Muslims break off and become fanatical, the sane ones stand up and distance themselves. They preserve the credibility of their faith by discrediting radicalisation, which – let’s face it – is never a good look, whatever the cause. Yet this never really happens with feminism. ‘Killallmen’ hashtags can trend on Twitter and nobody says anything. Jessica Valenti can wear ‘I Bathe in Male Tears’ T-shirts whilst ISIS slaughters men, but there’s no outcry.

This is nothing new. Previously, feminism allowed the likes of Sally Miller Gearhart to suggest that ‘the proportion of men must be reduced to and maintained at approximately 10 per cent of the human race’, whilst even Jilly Cooper, queen of the bonkbuster, once said, ‘The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with fairness, can be trained to do most things.’

Therefore, men who
aren’t
discerning about feminism are turkeys voting for Christmas. Not because they’re sexist, but because
people who call themselves feminists can be sexist.

So, separate the good from the bad and be selective about what the movement offers. This way, when somebody such as actress Emma Watson gets up on a UN platform and declares feminism has been misunderstood by men, you’ll know better.

Actually, we haven’t misinterpreted it at all. We simply haven’t forgotten the cruel bits.

Asking men to rewrite history here is absurd. Men shouldn’t sign up for a movement whilst it tolerates people who despise them. OK, this might be a minority few – nobody knows for sure – but it’s still real. So, if celebrities like Watson are going to patronise us with a random declaration that feminism is suddenly benevolent, she’ll need to show key movement leaders disowning all the bile and pressing the re-set button.

This, gentlemen, is a deal-breaker.

As journalist Cathy Young wrote in
Time
magazine:

Amen to that.

Even bestselling novelist Doris Lessing – one of the most celebrated fiction writers of the twentieth century, who became a feminist icon with hit book
The Golden
Notebook
– said a ‘lazy and insidious’ culture had taken hold in feminism which revelled in flailing men.

‘I find myself increasingly shocked at the unthinking and automatic rubbishing of men which is now so part of our culture that it is hardly even noticed,’ she said at the Edinburgh Book Festival in 2001.

Thus, take her up on the offer. Check facts, rather than privilege, and be logical: when you read news stories about the gender pay gap or domestic violence spikes during the World Cup, which – BTW – aren’t true, question where this information comes from.

Then, prioritise making yourself well read, rather than well hung. Trust me when I say this will serve you much better in the long run.

Christina Hoff Sommers wrote two excellent books that remain culturally robust:
The War Against Boys
explains why the school system is allowing young men to fail, whilst her other offering,
Who Stole Feminism?,
looks at fact rather than distorted feminist folklore.

Esther Vilar’s
The Manipulated Man
deftly explains the phenomena of being Under the Thumb – which no man should be, ever – whilst Dr Roy Baumeister’s
Is There Anything Good About Men?
helps explain some brilliant forbidden truths: specifically, that men are fucking awesome. Other titles worth reading are Dr Helen Smith’s
Men on Strike,
Warren Farrell’s
Why Men Earn More
– plus
his other title,
The Myth of Male Power.
Buy all of these and consume them because knowledge is power.

That said, having a healthy relationship with feminism (don’t confuse total surrender and compliance with complete support) doesn’t mean being suspicious of women. Most of the experts in this book are female and they are among our best advocates.

Feminism has certainly improved aspects of the world we live in for many women, but it is not perfect. It’s also not the movement to address men’s issues. The clue is in the name.