Stand by Your Manhood (19 page)

The question is a pertinent one, because that’s exactly what this is all about men: the freedom to have a healthy approach to health, without smears and slurs of sexism.

Essentially, like a game of Bible Dip, the answer already exists somewhere in the mix. To use it, what we need is a brand-new NHS body with a heart that beats to the sound of reality’s drum – not the fist-thumping of political games.

PEOPLE LIKE BEAR GRYLLS TELL
us how to survive ten days in the jungle, which is great and everything, but let’s be honest: how often do we find ourselves in the rainforest with a moral dilemma?

Instead, the real wilderness is here and now. The towns, suburbs and cities we live in – everywhere from
the boardroom to the bedroom. It’s here, among the soft furnishings, where the really hard stuff happens.

For it is these places where little things determine daily reality, which then go on to create big cultural norms that shape our worlds. It’s the theory of the butterfly effect applied to modern male experience.

In recent years, our discouragement from this has left a slow-burning loss over gain: we don’t flinch as health, economic and academic success casually slips away. Which is unlike us. Throughout history we have always been on our toes – keen to protect our welfare. Ready to fight for survival.

That is, and always has been, part of our legacy.

Yet something about this has changed. A key component in our brilliance has stopped working. Since feminism became mainstream, part of our man-motor has understandably shut down. We’ve become apolitical about the core of our identity, which naturally means part of
us
is missing. We aren’t operating to quite the same success formula as before.

Clearly, judging by the previous eleven chapters, this new configuration isn’t working. In fact, at no other point in history have we needed to roll our sleeves up and muck in with man politics more. The future for our sons is bleak, not bright, on most fronts.

However, conscious masculinity is more than just
recognising these flashpoints as they hurtle towards you – possibly wearing earrings. It’s also about responding fraternally. As a brotherhood.

This doesn’t mean blind loyalty to all men at all times, not at all. Rather, it’s about doing your bit for women, whilst ensuring they too fulfil their responsibility to good gender relations. You know, allowing fathers to see their children or not rinsing ex-husbands in a divorce.

Contrary to what people may say, this doesn’t take anything away from women. It doesn’t equate to fear or retro ethics. It isn’t ungallant or mourning a patriarchal empire. Nor is it Twitter trolling, crying into your beer or being unsympathetic to the hurdles faced by wives or girlfriends in, say, the developing world. Oh – and it certainly isn’t about the pendulum swinging too far the other way. If anything, it’s about stopping it moving at all.

In a nutshell, this is what constitutes a Suffragent: someone who’s part-gentleman, part-agitator in creating genuine, mutual balance whilst expecting respect for his own unique, valuable contribution as a bloke and, where necessary, laughing in the face of any bullshit which undermines it. Including Janet Street-Porter.

This, gentlemen, is the way forward. It’s our best ever bet at finally finding workable solutions to the usual roll call of men’s issues.

Naturally, it’s all good stuff. It’s adding to the merits
of every other trend that has helped upgrade the world into a more egalitarian and pleasant place. However, as with any change, it won’t always be easy. Especially as it’s rooted in power and politics: a deadly combination.

So, to help, here are the Ten Commandments – herein referred to as the Men Commandments – on how to be a stealth, and successful, Suffragent.

Offended by yet another newspaper headline? Bilious from bloke-bashing on British talk shows? Sick of hearing we’re just a bit shit? Well, rest assured, that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach isn’t nausea from last night’s curry, it’s your brain saying: ‘I AM POLITICAL STIMULI. RESPOND TO ME!’

Don’t fear this. Politics is part of everyday life. Christ, even the Eurovision Song Contest is political, so, technically, we’ve got some catching up to do. Fortunately, the last person to win Eurovision was a man in a dress with a beard, so we’re good at stepping outside conventional masculinity guidelines to make a point – and win. To
push it forward, we simply need to apply this more strategically into the places where it’s needed most: schools, homes, family courts, hospitals, charities and universities. You know, wherever we happen to be at the time.

Trouble is, because we’re programmed to actively mistrust these instincts – men are protectors! women are the protected! – Suffragent causes can be hard to identify, so allow me to assist. Typically, for future reference, these are pretty much anything you instinctively know is a low blow: one that would erupt if the genders were reversed. If unsure, stop and ask yourself: Is this happening to women? Are they dealing with the same problem? Are they expected to take the same raw deal on the chin without good reason? If not, you’re onto something.

Doing this is all about recognition. It’s self-assurance that your perceptions are real, that the bullshit inequity exists and your hurt is justified. Feeling offended isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of self-respect, which is a strength.

Amazingly, joining the dots between other peoples’ bloke-bashing and your misplaced man-shame is the first step in shape-shifting into a better version of yourself: it’s like taking the red pill in
The Matrix.
Instantly, you realise the problem isn’t you for just
being
a man. Instead, it’s how the world makes you feel
for
being a man.

By getting political about this stuff, even just inside
your head, you’re ring-fencing masculine identity and making it bulletproof. This is our protective instinct, turned inwards to help ourselves. Self-preservation meets stealth preservation.

In a dog-eat-dog world, this is crucial. It’s also being socially erect, as opposed to flaccid, which makes you engaged with reality, not blindfolded from it. The consequence of this is that you maximise the odds of a good life on your terms.

If in doubt about embracing Suffragent status, consider this: Do you have a penis? Do you want to decide the fate of your foreskin? Would you like to determine when you become a father – if at all? Should your son survive school and have the chance of going to university? More importantly, do you want him to be proud of eventually becoming a man? And, likewise, do you want your daughter to instil the same values in her son?

Haha, of course you do. So congratulations: you’re politically awake – and that’s absolutely a good thing.

All modern men should be good with their tongues – and, no, I don’t mean like that.

After years of ignoring our Suffragent cues, we can find ourselves with an under-developed voice on the big issues. So, it’s crucial that we tone our mouths as well as our muscles.

A great, realistic place to develop this is the comments section of any online newspaper, which allows you to find your feet on topical issues privately, but publicly. Don’t scoff; these forums can have genuine influence.

For a start it isn’t emotionally throwing up in some Reddit thread or entering the black hole of a Twitter fight, which – as Ricky Gervais once said – is basically people shouting in a bin. Oh no, comment sections are different. They are postcards to the editor via the readers, which is exactly why every journalist obsesses over them. They are the ugly truth of public opinion and allow people to be heard.

They’re also read by politicians, celebrities, authors and, more importantly, people who need reaching – men who feel disenfranchised or worn down. Perhaps even people who misunderstand us. Don’t forget: people can’t hear what we don’t say. Disseminating a bit of rational, polite clout in these places has the possibility of mileage and influence.

For decades, male opinion (especially dissident male opinion) was nudged out of the media narrative to isolate it. The ability to reverse this, complete with an audience of millions, is reclaiming the right to being heard.

That aside, it’s also a nice way to simply get something off your chest – a release valve that makes the media machine slightly more two-way, which is key considering how much it shapes our sense of self.

I once met a veteran female journalist who I can’t name here because she’d sue me (and she can afford better legal representation than I can). When we met in Annabel’s nightclub I told her that, having bought and read two of her books, I was disappointed that they often contained some pretty vile, undeserving stuff about men which made me feel shit – to the point where I binned the books in protest. Worse of all, it wasn’t even
funny
stuff. I’d wasted hours of my life on something that didn’t make me a) laugh or b) erect. What was the point?

At the time she said, ‘I can’t be held responsible for something I wrote five years ago. Besides, I’ve changed since then.’ But, months later, after I began doing shifts on the newspaper she worked for, she penned another hateful piece claiming all men are sexist, sex-mad pigs. Naturally, I emailed her on the internal system and pointed out, with all due reverence, that she should try adopting a bit more empathy towards the opposite sex. Especially as we’re all in this together, cheek to jowl.

Her response? She went straight to the managing editor and complained, ego in hand – how dare I, a man, especially a younger man – question her. I then
got dragged into his office and had to explain myself – which worked in my favour when he revealed that, actually, I’d voiced the consensus of countless others in the building.

The one piece of advice he did give me, however, was also his wisest: that if I’m going to make a point, I should make it publicly – for others to see. This led me to my first men’s issues column for MailOnline, which eventually formed the basis of this book.

Naturally, the said journalist’s complimentary copy is in the post.

Not literally, of course.

Instead, I’m suggesting you be a bit more like Chris Whitehead – the Suffragent equivalent of Billy Elliot. This young lad was just twelve years old when he wore a knee-length skirt to Impington Village College in Cambridge to protest his school’s lopsided uniform policy, which randomly banned boys from wearing shorts during the summer.

This miserable bit of misandry may have been small-fry, but it meant lads had to swelter in classes for no reason,
whilst girls were allowed weather-appropriate dresses – which, subsequently, affected concentration levels and a boy’s ability to learn (office men subjected to suits in July, take note!).

Quite frankly, this was not cool, so he did something about it. Recognising everyday bullshit and vowing to change it, he addressed 1,368 pupils in assembly – rocking the skirt, I might add – and proved he had cognitive brawn as well as balls. The campaign was so successful it garnered support from Adrian Chiles, who wore a skirt on ITV’s
Daybreak
in solidarity, and bagged a Liberty’s Human Rights Award.

Four years on and this
still
makes me chest-swellingly proud. Not just because what he did was fuelled by fairness, but because he wasn’t afraid to disobey old-fashioned rules about what men can do socially. This micro-rebellion is a crucial point because it rejects other peoples’ stifling codes of behaviour, which often hold us back from addressing inequity.

Soon after his success, much like the closing scene in
Spartacus,
boys at other schools followed suit with copycat campaigns. Last year, seventeen lads at Whitchurch High School in Cardiff protested the same problem in skirts, forcing simple, common-sense change with a bit of intelligence and
humour
, which is also where it’s at.

After all, there’s no hard-and-fast rule saying these
things must be dry and dull. Us men are often brilliant at comedy, so let’s use it for the last laugh.

Men are at the height of their personal power and bargaining position when they’re single.

It’s only when they give this away to girlfriends, wives and children (read: women they have children with) that they become compromised, so be aware of this before you sign it away.

Thus, when champion golfer Rory McIlroy called off his engagement to professional tennis player Caroline Wozniacki, it was a sign of real optimism for the male of the species.

In fact, if we ever needed to update the evolution of man diagram, from ape to human, the next incarnation might be his curly-haired silhouette with a ring-free finger, because – finally – a rich man realised that, sadly, marriage is often an expensive divorce-in-waiting.
Learn from this.

Part of McIlroy’s bitter pill was swallowing the reality that perhaps she didn’t respect him quite as much he deserved. Just a few months before it ended, she posted
an unkind picture of him sleeping – mouth open, dribbling slightly – online, knowing it would be picked up and published by every news agency in the world. OK, it was only a playful betrayal, but some would argue it was the distant relative of a kiss-and-tell or disclosing intimate sex details with friends over a bottle of wine.

Brilliantly, armed with the makings of a Suffragent brain, he clearly couldn’t resolve this against his self-respect. So, rather than make an honest woman of her – which society says he must – he made an honest man of himself. Instead of shrugging it off and biting the bullet, taking it on the chin etc., he took the braver, more rewarding route.

Weeks later, it paid off: having won the British Open, he admitted the decision to stay unmarried made him a better, more focused golfer. He became his own best man without needing a best man, whilst she took to the press and, tellingly, said: ‘At least I can date taller men now.’

Keep all this in mind if wedding magazines suddenly find their way into your home.

Men no longer get all the emotional validation they need from one woman, so they are more psychologically self-sufficient. As a result, men feel more deserving, less desperate to settle because that’s exactly what they are.

The website dedicated to this ‘go-your-own-way’ phenomena defines such brilliant bachelor action as:

In other words, it’s saying I don’t, rather than I do – which, funnily enough, has a very nice ring to it.