Spoiled Secrets (22 page)

              I look over at the bed to see what has him screaming out loud.  I notice the straight line on the monitor and the doctors running around.  I turn back to Chase, I yell.  “I’M HERE BABE…I’M HERE!”  But, I’m not.  He cannot see the phantom image of me.   I’m racked with tears as I view their despair.  I’ve done this to them! 

              “Ahhhhhh!”  I scream as a sharp penetrating energy invades me.

              I look over to the bed as I hear, “We’re losing her, hit her again!” 

              I clutch my chest as I am invaded again by a searing pain that seems to never end.  I hear a distant beeping sound coming from the monitors. 
That’s a good sign, right?
I stand and stare at Chase’s agonized face, I promise myself if I ever make it back to him, I will never be this foolish again.  The scene slowly fades away and I am once again surrounded by blackness.  I am overcome with sadness at the heartache I have caused.  I clutch my arms around my knees and begin to rock in place.  I ask myself for the millionth time,
what have I done?

             
“Fret not my child.  Open your eyes.” 

              I try to do what he has asked of me.  He has dimed the light so that I can now see.  My stomach starts to roll at his glorious sight.

              “Would you mind if I continue to keep my eyes closed?  It’s dizzying to look at you.  Everything about you keeps changing so rapidly.”  I keep my eyes sealed shut as I try to explain.

              I am unsure who retrieves me from my squatting position on the floor.  I dare not open my eyes to reveal the person or being cradling me.  “
Be calm, you, the one who intrigues him the most.  You will soon be placed in his hold.” 
A voice whispers in my head.  My rapidly beating heart slows as I am lowered into his embrace.  I feel his chest rumble as he holds me in his loving embrace.

              “My sweet child that is easily explained, I am simply not of one image.  I go by many names, many images and many nationalities.  I am neither male nor female.  I am what you require me to be.”  He starts to chuckle.  “You’re no different than any other, Amber.  As I recall on some days you speak in reverence of me and other days you depict me as your enemy.  How do they say,
I become your whipping boy, on your most trying days.
”

              I feel ashamed of all my past outbursts, as the guilt of my recalled words of filth and hatred bombard my soul I try to pull away from his embrace.  I try to disentangle my arms, but his hold tightens.  Tightens so, that I fell us merging into one.  I let out a startled gasp at the sensation of this divine act. 

              “Stop your squirming!  I will not let you sever from me. I did not bring that last part up to chastise.  To make it simple, who am I?  I AM WHO I AM!”

              “Well, yeah, that’s pretty simple and straight to the point.”  I’m surprised when he release a roar of laughter. 

              “Yes, my dear, it is to the point!  Listen your time is drawing near.  Remember to trust in me. This time do not try to alter my plans!  I have directed people in your path to help you reach your goals.  Listen to your inner voice if you ever lose your path, I’m never that far off your beaten path.”

              I don’t want to get my hopes up prematurely, it sounds as if he’s sending me home.  “Ummm, excuse me…are you sending me back?  Am I going home?”  I ask nervously.

              “Listen closely, I will be sending you back on one condition.  You cannot return to that tainted home.  You are no longer aloud to slumber there.  I have sent someone very special to intercede in this process.  Trust him to love, cherish and protect you my dear, because this love was created right here. He was created especially for you and you for him.  Your souls have been bound together since the making of time.  You are truly flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone; this is my gift to you.”

              “What are you saying?”  I ask anxiously.

              “Amber, don’t tell me that you don’t know.  I know you’ve felt your souls intertwine.  According to heaven your already one, your love is divine.”

              “Soooo…Yeah….Ummm…Are you saying we’re kind of like, spiritually married in your eyes?”  I stumble over this.  You know a girl has to get this right.

              He chuckles and kisses my forehead.  “Umm…So…Yeah…as surely as there is a Heaven and a Hell!”  I laugh at his imitation of me.  I laugh at the joy and confirmation that what I have been feeling all along was not my mind playing tricks on me.

              “Remember, I have wondrous plans for your life.”    This is said as if a great distance has suddenly sprung up between us.  The last part of the sentence starts to fade fast. 

             
I have wondrous plans for your life

              Plans for your life

              Your life

              Life

              Life

              Life… 

Chapter 25

Maroon 5. “She Will Be Loved”
Songs about Jane.
A&M / Octone Records, 2002. CD

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times
But somehow I want more

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pourin' rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

And she will be loved, and she will be loved

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know, I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You come anytime you want, yeah

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pourin' rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

And she will be loved, and she will be loved
And she will be loved, and she will be loved

I know where you hide alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothin' at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Yeah, tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pourin' rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while

And she will be loved, and she will be loved
And she will be loved, and she will be loved
(Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)

Yeah, I don't mind spending everyday
(Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)
Out on your corner in the pourin' rain
(Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)

*****

              I must admit, I’m playing possum.  I’ve been laying here motionless for what seems like forever listening to the same song being played over and over again.  Even if he wasn’t singing the hook, I would have known who was playing this song for me. 

              Listening to the lyrics of this beautifully tortured song, it hits so close to home for me.  It sounds so close to our story.  I constantly have it on repeat in my car.  Number 4, off of the, ‘
Songs About Jane’
cd.

              I feel him take hold of my hand as he butchers the last of the song for the umpteenth time.  He’s putting a lot of emphasis on the,
she will be loved
, part and the
please don’t try so hard to say goodbye
, parts.   I feel wetness splatter on my hand and I can take no more, I have to see him.  I slowly open my eyes, he’s sitting in a chair that has been pushed near the bed.  The side rail has been lowered and he’s leaning his upper body on the mattress.  He’s grasping my hand firmly; his eyes are closed tightly as if he’s trying his damndest to keep his tears from escaping.  But, they fall anyway.

              I lay there for a moment to soak up the sight of him.  I recall the anguish I had put him through and I can’t stand to let him go another second feeling as if he will lose me at any given moment.  So, I take the plunge and squeeze his hand. 

              I hear him choke on a strangled cry.  I feel him lace his fingers with mine.  His tears land on our entwined hands as if the sky has opened up to release a purgative spring rain. 

              “I’m so sorry!”  I choke out through my tears.  “I’m…”

              “No!” 

              He releases my hand, stands u, and reaches in his pocket to turn off his music that is being played through his Beats by Dr. Dre Pill, wireless speaker.  He leans over and places a kiss on my forehead. He lingers there for a moment before standing and returning to his seat.

              “I need to call your mom.  I promised her that I would call as soon as you woke up…if you woke up.”  He quickly makes the call.  After he’s completed the call he turns back to me.

              “How long have I been out?”  I ask nervously.

              “Three days – three long days.” He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips, he lingers for a moment before he presses a kiss to the back of my hand.  He looks perplexed as he stares at my hand.  “Amber, what’s this?”  He flips my hand over to examine the other side.

              “What?”  He lifts my hand to show me the most beautiful starburst pattern ingrained in my hand.  My breath hitches as I retrieve my hand to examine it.

              “It looks like the most extraordinary intricate henna tattoo I have ever seen.”  I say, in complete awe.

              “I’ve been holding your hand for days, this wasn’t here.  Amber, what is this?” He holds up my hand again.

              “It’s a gift from someone, something to remember him by.”  I say in wonderment as I reclaim my hand.  “Chase, as sure as my body is here, I was taken to a place that’s beyond anything I can explain right now.  I’m not ready to talk about it yet…not my journey…but soon I will tell you everything.”  I whisper to him.

              “Believe me, I’m use to the weird and the unknown, Amber.  If you want to keep it close to your heart for now, that’s fine by me.  As long as you do have plans to share it at some point, I’m cool with that.”  He says, as he retrieves and reexamines my hand. 

              We sit in silence for a while, both of us comfortable in the fact that we are both here.  In the same space, in the same time, on the same plane.  I know there are questions that will soon be asked and answers that are soon to be expected.  I was told to trust in this man…and I do.  But, something deep down is telling me, it is not the right time to purge my soul. 

              As we sit and gaze into each other’s eyes, glimpses of my ghostly visit starts to haunt me.  Thinking of the pain that I caused everyone by my hasty retreat to escape my pain, brings tears to my eyes.  The thing is, at that time I did not actually think how my actions would affect everyone.  I did not realize the actual depths of their love for me. 

              Tears start to trail down my face, the reality of my actions forces me to admit to myself that only a coward would do such a thing.  Only a selfish person would put herself, her feelings, above everyone else’s and not once think of the consequences behind such a life altering action.  I have been granted a second chance and with this go around, I will not let anyone bully me into feeling so inconsequential that I stoop to such a low place ever again. 

              I have been renewed, I am what you would call the quintessential phoenix, rising from the ashes.   I have been reborn to something that will not be so easily slayed.  I will take Chase up on his earlier offer to train me.  I will never again in my lifetime be left at anyone’s mercy.  I will grow strong and I will concur all of my fears.

              I have been defiled and degraded.  I have been beaten and raped.  I have been robbed of my love, my youth and my sweet essence of virginity.  I have been ripped of my sanity.  I have been used and abused.  My body has been torn and my soul has been shattered and in the end, I was thrown away like fetid trash, but…NO MORE! 

              As I sit here staring at my man, as I sit here broken, but mending.  As I watch tears mirroring my own leak from his eyes, I promise myself that I will get strong.  I will no longer live in fear!

              My inner declaration was interrupted. “Amber…”  He gets choked up saying my name. His look is full of turmoil and on top of that, he looks drained.

              Even though the smallest movement hurts like hell, especially around my chest and mid-section; I suck it up and endure the pain because seeing him like this hurts me more than a thousand kicks to my ribs.  I will sacrifice for him.  I lean over and squeeze his hand.

              “Amber –
I’M SORRY!
”  He wails. 

             
Sorry!  He’s Sorry!
  He didn’t do this.  He isn’t the cause of me laying in this bed.  NO, this isn’t right!  I refuse for him to take on my burden.

              “Sorry for what?!”  I ask forcefully.  “Sorry, that I was attacked?  Sorry, that I was beaten like I was the lowest piece of shit scum imaginable?  Sorry, that I was raped in the worse way possible?”  These questions were asked shamefully.  I take in a shaky breath.  “No, the person who violated me is, SORRY…a sorry son-of-a-bitch!  You
, you’re the reason that I breathe
.”  This last part was said reverently.

              I look up at him with tears unhindered.  “You, have nothing to be sorry for!”

              “I should have been there.  I could have followed you home to make sure you were safe.  After the first call that went unanswered, I should have left the club right then to check on you.”  He’s crying and it’s tearing my heart into infinitesimal pieces. 

              “Chase…babe…you couldn’t have known this was going to happen to me.  Don’t…don’t try to shoulder this, please.”

              “BUT, I DID KNOW!  I HAD A FEELING SOMETHING WASN’T RIGHT!  I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU!  DON’T YOU SEE, I COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS FROM HAPPENING?”  He yells at me, at himself, he yells at the world as a whole. 

              “I love you.”  I whisper in the wake of his turbulent storm.  “I love you.”  I whisper this again and again and again.

              I whisper this until my words penetrate his vail of madness, his self-loathing.  I whisper, I – Love – You, until I see the storm clouds that have formed in his eyes float away to leave behind a slightly churning sea. I whisper, I – Love – You, until he can see reason and speak to me.

              “Amber, you can’t go back there.  I won’t allow you to go back to that house.  I’ll burn that bitch down before you ever step foot on that property again.  To know someone did…did…took…touched…
VIOLATED YOU
!”  I jump as his balled fist crashes down on the rolling hospital tray.

              He’s trying to hold it together, but the way his entire body is vibrating I can tell he’s hanging on by a very thin thread.  I give him the only response that is guaranteed to cool his ire. 

              “Okay.”  I timidly say.

              This causes him to still.  It’s kind of eerie to see someone who was so animated before, halt all actions based on one word.  Did he honestly think I would deny him this?   Not in a million years would I go back to living in that house, not after such a brutal attack.  I can’t help but think, if I would have taken him up on this offer when he first mentioned it I would not be laying in a hospital bed at this particular moment. 

              I fully understand that this is my out and I’m taking it.  I’m grabbing on with both hands and not letting go.  I’m waving the white flag while yelling at the top of my lungs, I SURRENDER!

              Several seconds, maybe minutes, tick by as he stands examining my face.  Did I shock him with my quick surrender?  As he stands weighing that single yet profound word, he comes to a decision.  He nods his head once.

              “Okay.”  He says solemnly.  “Give me one minute.”  He says, as he walks to the door then exits my room.