Splintered Memory (31 page)

“It was just really good to see the old Charlie again
,” Rich said. “Sorry,” he said more to Bex than Matt.

“When Nick and I thought we’d seen some sign of recognition in Charlie’s face during my speech,
” Matt said; “you lied to me.”

“I was trying to protect you
,” Rich said.

“Come on Matt, you know he was only trying to do right by you. It shouldn’t matter anyway. You’ve moved on with your life, and you’re happy with Emily aren’t you
?” Bex asked.

Matt looked at her
, but he was unable to answer.

“You’re not happy?” Rich asked him.

“I get by,” Matt said.

“What the hell does that mean
?” Bex asked irritably.

“Emily’s
nice. She’s caring you know, and she looks after me. Am I happy? Yeah I suppose so, sometimes. Do I love her? Erm, maybe! But is it anywhere near what I had with Charlie? No, it doesn’t even close. Do I still think about Charlie? Er, yeah, pretty much constantly actually. Can I imagine a bright and happy future with Emily? No. Do I owe her one? Absolutely I do,” Matt said.

Rich and Bex looked at Matt
, and then at each other.

“If Emily wasn’t in the picture, would you get back together with Charlie even after everything that’s happened between you
?” Bex asked.

Matt gave her a look
which said that surely the answer to that was obvious.

“Okay
,” Bex said in response; “then you have to end things with Emily. Being with her out of guilt or some skewed sense of gratitude isn’t right, and it’s not fair on her either.”

Matt looked at Bex like it was the first time
that he’d ever met her.

“Hidden depths
,” Rich said reading Matt’s mind and Matt nodded in agreement.

Bex smiled and said
; “ha bloody ha. I’m not always a scatterbrain, but it is a convenient role to play most of the time. It gets me my own way.”

Rich smiled at
her, and then turned back to Matt and said; “look, you never need the answer about what you should do to come from me. You always know what you need to do. It’s just that you’re usually too scared to do it, so you wait. You waited in school and got pissed off that I asked Charlie out first, and now you’re doing it again. Go home, face Emily, and then go and get Charlie back.”

“It’s not that easy
,” Matt said.

“No it’s not. You’ve got to break one girl’s heart, and then tell another about how bad you’ve bee
n. Telling the truth hurts Matt,” Bex said.

“No. Well yeah what you
just said obviously,” he said; “but I signed divorce papers.”

“When
,” Rich said sounding shocked.

“Does it matter
?” Matt asked sounding and looking obviously embarrassed.

“Matt. Focus. Try solving one problem at a time. Emily’s the first problem.
You can worry about Charlie later. I’d also try getting Charlie back in your life again, before you start worrying about the fact that you’re getting divorced. Plus, I reckon nothing says I’m sorry quite like a second wedding!” Bex said smiling.

Matt smiled broadly and kissed Bex fully on the lips.

“Oi,” Rich said; “that’s my wife!”

“Now you know how we always feel when you do that to Charlie
,” Matt said winking at Bex and slapping Rich on the shoulder. He walked down the hall, but then stopped and turned back to look at them.

“What if Charlie doesn’t want me back when she knows what I’ve done
?” Matt asked.

“Then you know
,” Bex said with a note of finality in her voice.

Matt nodded
and left the house.

Things
since the wedding hadn’t been right between her and Matt. He was drifting away from her and she didn’t know what to do to get him back.

When he’d first come out of rehab it had been easier. He’d depended on her, and he’d allowed her to take care of him. He
’d leant on her at work, and at home. She’d become his plus one to all of his work events, and to all of his friend’s parties and dinners. She’d sat next to him and she’d felt proud of the recovery that he’d made, knowing that she’d been an integral part of it. She’d played the waiting game and she’d got her reward for doing so, but she could see that there were other vultures out there vying for her position.

Matt was incredibly handsome, and being a doctor had made him even more of a prized catch. Yet he’d been married for so long, and he’d been so obviously in love with Charlie, that he had created some kind of an invisible field around him that other women had seemed to respect. He’d flirted with them and they’d flirted back, but they’d always know
n where to toe the line.

Since she’d been in
his life though, it was a different story. She hadn’t managed the level of respect that Charlie had earned, and women everywhere were no longer toeing the line. Most in fact were now blatantly crossing it. Even when she was stood next to Matt holding his hand, women would slip their number into his pocket at work events or boldly kiss him on the lips.

She’d tried to talk to him about this, but he had been defensive and had said that he didn’t encourage it. He’d shied away from making any kind of commitment to her, and she hadn’t wanted to force the issue. She was happy to be his girlfriend, live in his house and share his life, but she needed a way of keeping his attention.

Her worries had been further intensified at the wedding. She’d seen the way that he’d acted around Charlie, and the way that he’d watched her, and she’d known that if he ever found out the truth about Charlie’s memory he’d be off like a shot. Then she’d be all alone again.

When they’d come back to Birmingham she
’d been even more attentive to him than she had been before, and she thought that she was being the ideal girlfriend. She had a career, and she worked alongside her man. She kept their home clean and tidy, she cooked for him and looked after him, and she made love to him whenever he wanted. She would also often treat him to other sexual favours at work, determined not to give him any reason to wonder or stray.

She could play the long game she thought, and hopefully with the wedding over her biggest threat had passed. Charlie was completely out of his life and he had no idea about her memory. She was his life now, and just the other day when she’d been in his office at work hadn’t she seen divorce papers in his drawer? If she continued to be patient, she knew he would eventually commit to her.

Matt
had been married for over a decade, and aside from a string of meaningless one night stands she was the only woman that he’d been with since Charlie. She knew that he was the type of man who liked to be in a committed relationship, and she felt sure that if she continued to play everything right he would make her his wife eventually.

She was sat on the sofa watching the news when Matt came in through the front door, and she leant up on her elbow and looked at the clock on the wall.

“I thought you were on duty till six
?” She asked surprised to see him.

“Yeah I am
,” he said distractedly. “I had to leave, but I’ve got my pager on me.”

“Oh okay
,” she said lying back down; “everything okay?”

He didn’t answer, and s
he watched as he took off his jacket and hung it up. She followed him with her eyes as he walked over to sit on the coffee table in front of her, and she felt suddenly nervous. He had his work face on. He was calm and composed, and she knew that he was about to deliver bad news to her. She’d seen this look on his face at the hospital many times before.

Sh
e tried to distract him before he could say anything. She sat up quickly, and put her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. He pulled back from her, and he lightly took her hands from his face and placed them gently in her lap.

“I need to talk to you
,” he said calmly looking at her and waiting for her to meet his eyes.

Emily looked up into his incredibly h
andsome face, and into his beautiful hazel coloured eyes, and she tried to smile brightly.

“Okay
,” she said as positively as she could.

“I owe you so mu
ch. You’ve watched out for me, and supported me, and I know that without you I’d have probably lost my career,” he said putting his hand to her face and softly stroking her cheek with his thumb. “You’ve kept me on the straight and narrow since rehab, and you’ve been the best girlfriend that I could ever have asked for. But I feel like I’m not being fair to you.”

“Yes you are
,” she said putting her hand to his face now and stroking his cheek with her thumb.

“Emily. I want to break up
,” he said calmly. But she noted that his tone had a note of finality in it.

Her hand dropped from his cheek
, and she could feel a lump rising in her throat and tears tingling in her eyes. “Why?” She asked.

“Both people in a relationship need to feel the same way about each other, and that’s just not the case here.
You’re bringing far more to our relationship than I am,” he said; “and in truth I just feel too indebted to you.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way
,” she said crying now. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for
,” he said. “I
should
feel indebted to you, and I always will be indebted to you, but I can’t base a relationship on that.”

“Don’t you love me
?” She asked through her tears.

She watched his face for signs of the answer that she was hoping for. His was after all a face that she
’d studied like she’d studied for exams at school. She had seen him go to hell and back, and she felt sure that she knew his emotions better than even he did. She knew deep down that he didn’t love her, but she had hoped that he could learn to. That would have been enough for her.

“I’m sorry Emily,
” he said taking her hands in his; “but I don’t.”

Emily dropped her head, and she felt
her tears pour down her face with more urgency than before.

“Please Emily,
” he said wiping her tears away with his thumbs; “please don’t cry.”

“Then say you love me
,” she said desperately.

He looked into her face, and for the first time she saw his composure falter. She saw that his face was filled with guilt as he said simply; “I can’t.”

“Is it because you can’t love me? Or because you can’t love anyone other than Charlie?” She asked as she looked into his striking hazel coloured eyes.

He sat silently for a minute, and she knew that he was calculating what he considered would be the impact on her of his answer either way.

“Any man in his right mind should love you. You’re generous, you’re caring, you’re beautiful, and you’re giving in lots of different ways,” he said smiling his cheeky smile at her.

“So why
don’t you? Why can’t you?” She asked refusing to return his smile.

“My heart got so ba
dly broken,” he said; “that I’m not sure I’m capable of loving anyone anymore.”

Emily now felt terribly guilty. She
’d been so consumed with her feelings, and her desires about being his girlfriend, that she’d never really considered the impact on him of losing Charlie. Yet now that she thought about this that was ridiculous. She had after all witnessed that carnage.

She’d seen the drinking, the drugs, the women, and she’d thought that they were all just short term coping mechanisms. She’d believed that he’d eventually move on with his life, but it was clear to her now in a way that it hadn’t been before that he hadn’t. She looked into his face again and she realised that not only had he not moved on, but that he didn’t even seem to want to try.

“I love you,” she said knowing at last what the right thing to do for him – the man that she loved, and Charlie – the only friend that she’d ever known, was.

“I know
,” he said looking guiltier now than he had before.

“I’m not saying it to make you feel bad. I just want you to know that I love you, and that’s the reason why I’ve been keeping something from you
,” she said not letting her eyes drop from his.

He looked at her
, and she saw him scrutinising her face.

“A while back I had a visit from Claire
,” Emily said. To which she saw Matt’s head drop momentarily. Yet when he looked back up at her, she noticed that all traces of guilt that had previously lined his face had gone. He looked like his conscience had just been wiped clean.

“She came to
tell me something about Charlie,” Emily continued feeling confused by what she was seeing in Matt’s face.

He put his hand gently back to her
face, and he kissed her lightly on the lips and said; “Claire is, and always has been trouble. Whatever she told, it would’ve been a lie.”