Splintered Memory (18 page)

The endless one night stands were satisfying enough. He could remain cold and unfeeling, and he could simply walk away from the women the next morning without any feelings of guilt or remorse, but Emily complicated things and he was unsure why he continued to see her on a personal basis.

Whilst sex was a useful release, he still had to find ways to pass the days and the endless hours
when he was at the hospital. Home wasn’t as bad. He either always had company, or in the event that he was alone he ensured that he had enough valium or nitrazepam to knock him out.

A
t the hospital though, when he wasn’t caught up in back to back emergencies that kept his mind busy he had time. It was then when thoughts of his old life with Charlie would torment him. It was then when the pain of losing her tore his heart and soul apart, and then when it all felt like more than he could stand to bear.

To try and manage his pain
, and in an attempt to help stabilise his moods, he’d begun to use a range of drugs. To counter the valium and nitrazepam that he was taking to sleep, and to keep his soul destroying guilt and depression under control, he was using a variety of amphetamines. In fact he was using anything and everything he could get his hands on at the hospital without being caught. He’d also taken to stealing Emily’s prescription pad to get more drugs. He knew that if he used his own it would draw attention to his growing addiction, and Emily never seemed to notice him using hers. 

Matt knew that he’d gotten into a vicious cycle, but he just couldn’t stop himself. He knew that he’d become completely dependent on drugs to either stay awake or go to sleep, and he knew that he now needed them to get through the days and the nights. The larger concern, could he find it in himself to care, was that he was becoming increasingly reckless with the doses that he was taking. 

He knew the risks of what he was doing, and he was also more than aware of the blatant disregard that he was showing for his own life. Yet he didn’t care. Without Charlie around, life no longer seemed worth living.

Claire

She
was sat
by the window in the Café Nero in Clapham Junction Station, feeling both nervous and guilty. Charlie had called her forty five minutes earlier to say that she’d just arrived at Paddington.

Claire
wasn’t entirely sure why Charlie was coming to see her, and she wondered if Matt had told her that they used to be best friends. She wondered if Charlie now knew that they’d shared every secret that either of them had ever had, since the moment that they were old enough to know what secrets were. Yet she pondered more uneasily whether Charlie had been told this information not by Matt, but by her parents whilst she’d been living back at home in Cheddar.

She
hoped that she wasn’t going to have to spend the next couple of days re-telling Charlie all about their past and trying to reassure her. It had been this type of situation that she’d been actively avoiding since Charlie had woken up after her accident without a memory, and was the reason why Claire hadn’t once visited her after she had been released from hospital.

When Claire had walked into Charlie’s hospital room, she’d been so relieved to see her awake and sat up talking to a nurse that she’d forgotten what the others had said to her about Charlie’s condition. She’d been instantly reassured that everything was going to go straight back to how it had been before the accident, and she’d breezed into the room and sat down on Charlie’s bed.

Charlie had seemed so much like her old self as Claire had sat down. She’d looked the same, smiled the same, and she’d even sounded the same. Yet as Claire had tried to make jokes, and re-visit conversations that they’d had before the accident, Charlie had just looked at her blankly.

Claire had refused to be downcast about this though. The doctors had believed that the amnesia
that Charlie was suffering from was temporary, and there had been no reason for any of them to doubt this. She’d thought that her best friend would just remember in a day or two, but when it had transpired that this hadn’t happened she’d honestly believed that she was going to be able to be there for Charlie regardless.

She’d thought that she’d be able to help her, support her, and encourage her in a way that would spark her memory. She’d known that Charlie had always been there for in the past, and she’d seen that finally it had been her chance to return the favour at long last. Yet the following day she’d arrived at the hospital before visiting hours.
No one at the hospital had said anything to her though, and she’d assumed that it was maybe one of the perks of Matt being a doctor there. Nobody had seemed interested in the idea of enforcing visiting hours on his friends and family.

When she’d reached Charlie’s room she’d seen from the doorway that Matt had already been in there with Charlie, and she’d thought about leaving them alone for a while and coming back later. She’d wanted to let the two of them have some peace, as she’d known that they’d been surrounded by family and friends from the moment that Charlie had woken up, but as she’d gone to walk away something had struck her as strange about the scene in front of her.

It
had been instantly noticeable that neither of the people in the room had resembled either of the people that she’d known her whole life. Matt, who would normally always have been within inches of Charlie, had been sat on the other side of the room from her and he’d looked visibly uncomfortable. Charlie, who had always looked relaxed when Matt was around, had been looking incredibly tense and insecure. There had been no conversation, and Claire had been able to feel the tension between them from where she’d been stood.

She’d left
the hospital that day and she’d driven straight home. She hadn’t even stayed long enough to say goodbye to either Charlie or Matt.

Claire
had watched the two of them closer than anyone else in their lives, and to have seen Charlie treat Matt like a complete stranger had brought home to her the stark reality of Charlie’s condition.

She
wasn’t proud of her behaviour, the result of which meant that Rich and Bex no longer answered or returned her calls, but it was what it was.

When she
had finally managed to get in contact with Ben and Rach, they’d taken it upon themselves to try and coax her into going to visit Charlie. Rach had even written her a heartfelt letter about how she had always been jealous of her and Charlie’s friendship, and how she hated to see her abandoning Charlie in her hour of need. She’d written that they both knew that if the shoe had been on the other foot, Charlie would never have acted this way.

The letter had antagonis
ed Claire at first and she’d nearly thrown it away, but instead – for a reason unbeknownst to her at the time, she’d chosen not to. This had proved to be a mistake though, and after a drunken night out she’d come home and re-read the letter. It had made her cry. Through her haze of intoxication, in which her defences had been lowered, she’d been able to see the truth of Rach’s words for the first time. She’d felt the weight of her betrayal of not just Charlie, but of all of them. She’d not only abandoned Charlie, but she’d turned her back on the friends that she’d had her whole life.

Claire had always known that Bex and Rach had envied the friendship that
she and Charlie had had, and that at certain points in their lives had each vied for the spot of best friend in Charlie’s life. Something she felt sure that Matt would have supported. She’d also known that had the situation been reversed, Charlie would’ve been by her side throughout. She’d have helped in any way that she could, and if she hadn’t been able to she’d have stayed by her side and just made friends with her all over again.

Claire had felt guilty about not having visited, and about the accident itself knowing that Charlie wouldn’t have been in the car
had she not been in Bath with her. She’d also felt awful about what she’d potentially done to Matt and Charlie’s lives. She’d known that their world had been thrown into disarray, but she’d never realised to what extent until four months after the accident when she’d taken a week off work to go to Birmingham via Cheddar to see Charlie.

She
’d forgotten how small Cheddar was, or maybe it had just seemed smaller to her since she’d grown up and moved away. In Cheddar there was no escaping from the fact that all of her friend’s parents were also friends. This meant that every time one of them went home, news of this would spread and all of her friend’s parents would pop round to say; “hello.”

What made these situations
especially cumbersome at times, was that this close and seemingly idyllic world that their parent’s lived in made it particularly difficult when they weren’t all on speaking terms. It was hard to have to face the parent of a friend that you’d fallen out with, and then fane an accord that no longer still existed with their child.

When
Claire had gone home she’d known that she’d have to do this though, as she’d known that none of her old friend’s parents would know that their children were no longer recognising her existence.

To make matters worse s
he hadn’t spoken to Nick since she’d moved out of their flat in Bath three months ago, and she’d known that he hadn’t told his parents that they’d broken up. They believed that her prolonged stay in London was work related and nothing more.

She’d also kno
wn that none of her friends would have told their parents that she hadn’t once visited Charlie after she’d left hospital, and she’d known that this was going to make it difficult when she’d inevitably be asked by their parents how their sons and daughters were. They’d believe that she’d have the latest news, and she’d known that she would have to lie.

During
her encounter with Matt’s mum, which had actually been in the kitchen of Rich’s parent’s house, Claire had heard just how bad the situation between Charlie and Matt had become. Yet she’d been shocked to hear from Mrs Grayson and Mrs Taylor that Charlie hadn’t been able to regain any memories at all, and that the situation with her living back at home was fraught.

Mrs Taylor
had talked candidly about how Rich had told his father that he didn’t know how Matt was coping, and that seeing the two of them together was like looking at two totally different people from the ones that he’d known growing up.

Mrs Grayson had been noticeably upset
, and she’d confided in Claire that she was worried about Matt. She’d said that she wasn’t sure how, or if, he could handle the situation if Charlie’s memory didn’t come back. She’d said that she felt like she was losing her son as he continued to distance himself from everyone whilst he struggled to cope with Charlie’s condition.

Claire had made her excuses to leave,
but as she’d been going both Mrs Taylor and Mrs Grayson had said that they were thankful that she was around to keep them all emotionally stable.

“You’ve always been the one with the calm and rational head Claire,
” Mrs Taylor had said; “and I think the boys need that in their lives now more than ever.”

Claire had smiled uncomfortabl
y. She’d never been rational or calm in emotionally charged situations. They were confusing her with Charlie.

Mrs Grayson had pulled Claire into
a tight hug, and she’d whispered into her ear; “Claire, you need to make her remember. Matt hasn’t been able to, and he won’t cope if this carries on. You know how he is around Charlie, and I can’t bear to think of him suffering like we all know he is.”

Claire
had nodded and smiled, but she’d all but run from the Taylor’s house.

She had known how Matt was about Charlie, she
’d always known. She’d been the best friend to the girl that had found the perfect man, had had the perfect romantic love story, and had up until the accident had the perfect relationship. Charlie and Matt had had a life that was like a magical fairytale, but now she knew that it had become a nightmare.

Claire
had decided to go back to London after this encounter. She hadn’t been able to face going to see her friends, or Charlie. She hadn’t wanted to have to watch their friendships crack and eventually fall apart. She had already cut herself off, and she had her own memories to protect.

She
’d known that she was being selfish, but then she’d known that Charlie would’ve understood. Charlie had always known that her best friend and husband were poles apart in terms of character, and she’d have known that Claire unlike Matt couldn’t be a martyr to a bad situation. Charlie would’ve understood she’d known. Charlie knew her and had always known her.

Claire
had known that at some point Matt, Rich, and the others, would have to arrive at the same horrific conclusion that she’d reached months earlier. The Charlie that they’d all known, and loved, and had grown up with, had died in a car accident.

A tap on the window brought
her back to the present. She looked up from the bottom of her coffee cup, which now only had coffee stained foam in the bottom, and into the face that was smiling at her through the window from outside. It was a face instantly recognisable to Claire. It was a face that had been smiling at her that way for as long as she could remember. She returned the smile cautiously, and she got up from her chair and went outside to face Charlie.