Spiralling Skywards: Falling (Contradictions #1) (16 page)

“Just remember you said that,” I told him.

I hadn’t given a blow job yet, and it wasn’t something I was really looking forward to doing. I was well aware that men seemed to be obsessed with them, I’d overheard my brother and his mates on more than one occasion discussing the act. Once, when I was eight, Luke brought a girl named Shanice home, and on being introduced to her, I’d said, “My brother likes you, Shanice, you give good head.” My nan had spat her tea and my grandad had spat his false teeth into his lap. I was sent to my room, and Luke barely spoke to me for a week. I had no clue what I’d done wrong, but was then mortified at around the age of fifteen when I worked out the meaning for myself.

Blow jobs had in fact been on my mind all weekend. Liam had given me more than one orgasm using his mouth, so it was only fair that I should at least try to return the favour.

“Said what?”

“That you wouldn’t want a dick stuffed down your throat while it’s hard.”

“Babe, I’m talking about my dick being stuffed down my
own
throat, I’d have no issue with having my dick stuffed down
yours
, as long as it was still attached to me of course. I really would also prefer your brother
not
to be there whilst it happened. Why are we discussing this? All I can picture now is you sucking my dick, and it’s just making me harder.”

“I’ve never given a blow job. You’ll have to teach me how I do it.”

“Oh fuck me, Sarah. You’re about killing me here. You’ve never given a blow job?”

I shook my head and felt my cheeks burn. I couldn’t believe I’d just confessed to that.

“Well, that makes me ridiculously fucking happy, and I cannot wait to teach you all you need to know about sucking my cock, just not right now. Right now is definitely not the time to be discussing this.”

He kissed my forehead. “I like you a lottle, Sarah Carter.”

“I think I like you a lottle more, Liam Delaney.”

“Impossible,” he replied and turned and unlocked the front door.

“Well done on the New South Austrian by the way. Remind me to teach you some more words.”

“Thanks,” I replied as he pulled me through the front door. Despite our banter, our hands were a little sweaty and shaky as they held on tight to each other.

“Look forward to it. You’ll have to teach me the word blow job in your lingo, when you explain to me how to give one?”

He stopped in his tracks. Yeah, I couldn’t quite believe I’d just said that aloud either. We both burst out laughing at the same time as Will came out of the kitchen into the hallway holding a beer.

My heart thumped loud and hard in my chest, throat, and ears, and Liam’s grip on my hand grew tighter. We both fell silent as we watched Will’s gaze travel from my face and down to where our hands were joined. He closed his eyes for a moment too long for it to be a blink, raised the bottle to his mouth, and took a swig.

“You better get in here.” He gestured with his head to the kitchen before turning and heading back the way he’d come.

“We’ve got this,” Liam said before following Will. His big hand remained wrapped around mine.

And then it wasn’t.

He let go.

My brother’s face was the first thing I made contact with when I finally looked up.

“What you doing here, Sunshine?” he asked, his face falling into a confused frown.

Feeling a tidal wave of rejection at the fact that Liam had walked straight through the door and let go of my hand as soon as he’d seen my brother, I remained silent for a few seconds, unsure of what I should say.

Had he changed his mind?

That
easily?
That
quickly? Had it been
so
easy for him to change his mind about telling my brother about us? About us being together?

I stepped around Liam so that I could see his face and take my cue from him about what I should say.

But Liam spoke before I could.

Words that would end me.

“What are you doing here, Olivia?”

Some kind of energy—I had no clue what it was—rushed through me. I felt a strange pressure in my ears, almost as if I were under water. I swayed on my feet because I felt dizzy and sound became distorted.

I forced myself to look at the woman that was leaning against my brother’s kitchen worktop. I started at her feet. She was wearing boots. Long black leather boots. She had on thick black tights, and a woollen jumper dress covered her slight frame. Compared to me, she was tall, at least five foot seven or eight, and she was slim, skinny almost. Her dress had a huge cowl neck and her long dark hair hung over each shoulder. I moved to her face, her bone structure was delicate, but her features were sharp, her eyes big, brown and darting between me and Liam.

“Dude, where the fuck you been? I’ve been trying to call you for the last two hours.” My brother told him.

I just kept staring at Olivia. Olivia kept staring at me and Liam.

“My phone died. I didn’t have my charger with me.”

Both of our phones were actually dead, we’d both been unreachable all day.

“I tried calling you last night,” Olivia said. “I left a voice mail. Did you not get it?”

“Like I said, my phone’s dead.”

“Since last night?” Her eyes darted to me with that question. “Have you not been home all night to charge it?” Her tone accusing.

“Why are you here? Did you sign the papers? You must’ve received them by now, I was gonna call Lennard Bowman tomorrow to see what was happening.”

Her eyes were fully focused on Liam again as she answered him. I felt sick as I watched their interaction.

“I haven’t signed the papers, Liam. Things have changed, I don’t want a divorce. We need to talk.”

Her voice had much more of an Australian twang to it than Liam’s, but it was soft at the same time. It made my heart stop beating. It solidified like concrete in the cavity of my chest until I was sure she’d finished what she had to say.

She licked at her plump top lip. She was beautiful. Not pretty. Not cute. Beautiful. In that way people from money are. Groomed. Perfect. Nothing like me.

I was wearing jeans, a pair of Timberland boots, my Roxy snow jacket, and Liam’s scarf wrapped around my neck. I felt inadequate in every way.

“Okay, let’s give you some privacy here.” My brother clapped his hands together as he stepped towards me.

“No!” Liam stated loudly in my head, but it was only in my head.

In reality, he remained silent.

I stared at him, begging, willing him with everything I had in me to turn and look my way. To reach for my hand, to ask, “You doing okay, bub?” the way that he did.

I got nothing.

My brother started to head out of the room, but Will held his hand out to me in exactly the way I wanted Liam to do. I stared down at it for a few long moments before looking up at his face. He seemed to be wearing the same devastated look that I probably was. I wondered if he’d realised what was going on between Liam and me when he saw us holding hands and was feeling my pain. As I took his hand and let him lead me out of my brother’s house, I wondered if he would tell Luke.

Away from my hopes, my dreams, and my neck-kissing happily ever after.

“Where’s your car, Sunshine? We’ll go to yours for a bit.”

“I’ll drive,” Will jumped in, saving me.

Again.

“I’ll only have to come back here to get my car later anyway.”

Will steered me in the direction of his BMW, and Luke followed. I sat in the back and remained silent. The vibrations that had hummed happily through my body earlier were now causing me to shake. I was cold and I felt sick.

She wanted him back.

He promised he wouldn’t leave me.

He’ll go back to his wife, and I’ll end up just like
her.

I snorted out loud.

I had been fucking a married man, I
was
just like
her
.

And I’d end up just like her.

Unwanted.

Alone.

“Sunshine?”

My brother’s voice cut into my erratic thoughts.

“How’d you get to my house?”

Adrenalin was coursing through my veins, putting my brain on alert and making it quick to respond.

“I got a lift with Liam.”

He turned in his seat to look at me, his eyebrows arched in question.

“With Del? Why?”

“He’s renting a flat across the road from me. I saw him there yesterday, and he asked if I would go shopping with him today and help him to pick some furniture.”

“You went shopping with him?”

“Yeah. Sasha’s away for the weekend, you were away. I had nothing better to do, so I said I’d help him. You know I like all that interior design and decorating stuff. I was happy to give him advice.”

“Sasha’s away? Where’d Sash go? Who with?”

“Just to see her parents in Devon.”

“Oh. On her own?”

“No, Luke, she took the homeless bloke who sits outside the station playing the violin with her, thought he needed a break and Devon needed some culture. Yes, on her own.”

“All right, no need to be a bitch about it.”

“Well, if you wanna know the ins and outs of Sasha’s weekend, I suggest you ask her yourself.”

“I will.”

“Good.”

He turned back to face the front, but a few seconds later, he turned to face me again.

“And his new flat is opposite yours?”

I gave an emphatic, “Yes!” and then raised my shoulders in a shrug and let out a huff. My brother was so suspicious, but I replied as nonchalantly as I could, acting as though I was just fed up with his questioning.

So what?

Liam had a flat opposite my house.

It was coincidence, right?

It didn’t matter anyway. He’d be leaving soon.

Going back to her.

Leaving me behind.

Leaving me exactly the same way everyone else did.

***

When we got back to my house Sasha was home. She was making her way down the stairs wearing nothing but a Specials band T-shirt and a pair of boy leg knickers. Her hair was wrapped in a towel. Her big brown eyes were wide when she saw the three of us coming through the front door. She looked over Will’s shoulder, probably to see if Liam was with us, and then her eyes darted back to mine. I shook my head in a very subtle movement. I was so focused on Sash that I walked straight into the back of my brother, who was apparently also focused on Sash.

He gave a salacious whistle, and she self-consciously pulled her T-shirt down to cover herself. I didn’t know why she bothered. The boys had seen her in less plenty of times. We’d had holidays together. Spent hours on beaches and around pools wearing very little. We’d shared beds in the past, all four of us on occasion when we’d been to parties and whomever the designated driver was had ended up drinking. I punched him anyway for making my friend feel uncomfortable.

Stepping around my brother, I left him rubbing his arm and staring at Sasha and headed for the kitchen. I pulled a bottle of vodka from the freezer and cranberry from the fridge. I didn’t ask if anyone else wanted one, I poured more than a double shot into a glass I’d quarter filled with crushed ice, topped it up with cranberry, and drank the lot down.

I didn’t want to believe that Liam had just done what he’d done.

I didn’t want it to be true.

I wanted to drink until it wasn’t true, or at least until I couldn’t remember it had happened.

I stared at the dishes in the sink. I thought about the reason they’d been left there.

How could he?

I felt like nothing. Inconsequential.

“Sarah?” I took a few moments to blink back my tears before turning around to face Will.

I didn’t want or need his sympathy right then, but I knew Will well enough to know that if he thought for a minute I was hurting, that was what I would get. That was just the type of bloke he was.

I schooled my features before facing him. “Sorry, Will. There’s beer in the other fridge if you want one.”

He shook his head.

“I’m good thanks. I’ve gotta drive back home later, plus we had a couple earlier and more than a skinfull last night.”

“What was the score? I’ve not seen any results.”

“We lost, 2-1.”

I nodded and smiled, wishing he would just fuck off and leave me alone. I didn’t wanna make small talk with Will. I didn’t actually know what I wanted.

I felt sick, empty, and shaky.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to curl into a ball and sob or if I wanted to laugh maniacally.

Sasha finally appeared. “Pour us a wine, Sares. A large one. I need it after listening to my nan bang on all weekend about Reginald from the nursing home and how he gets her juices flowing.” She made sure Will wasn’t looking at her, and then added a silent, “
You okay
?”