Spice (18 page)

Kane stood in the hallway, still wearing the clothes he'd worn earlier, rumpled and tired but so beautiful to her starving spirit. She drank in the sight of him, her heart thudding into hard action once more, her lungs finally able to draw air again.

“Kaname,” she breathed. “You're here. You're really here.”

She saw concern wash over his face a split second before he opened his arms, scooping her up. She fell against the warm wall of his chest, a sob fracturing her control. Feeling his arms around her, smelling the spice of his scent, hearing his low voice offering words of comfort, pushed her over the emotional edge. Burying her face into the side of his neck, she breathed him in once, twice, then broke, muffling her sobs against his skin.

Dimly she was aware of him kicking the door closed, striding over to the couch, then sitting down, all the while holding her close. “I'm here, sweetheart,” he crooned, rocking her gently as he stroked her back. “I'm here.”

She had no idea how long the tears had her in their grip, how long she clung to Kane like a rock in a fast-moving emotional stream that threatened to sweep her away. Finally she pushed back, gulping down a huge breath of air. “I'm sorry.”

“You don't ever have to apologize to me.” He cradled her face in his warm, capable hands, his thumbs lightly brushing at her tears. “Can I get you something? Water, coffee, tea? Wine? Tissue?”

She managed a weak smile at his attempt to lighten her mood, then slid off his lap, drained. “We're at my place. I'm supposed to be asking you that.”

“You were crying. I'm supposed to fix things so you don't cry anymore.”

Remembering Audie's words had her heart lurching in her chest again. “I don't know if you can fix this, Kane.”

He kissed her forehead. “Then let me start with something small. Can I get you something to drink? Or do you want something to eat?”

She leaned against him, appreciating his presence more than she could put into words. “Tea would be good. Chamomile or the jasmine. It's in the—”

“I know.” He kissed her again, then rose. “I'll get it. You take a moment.”

“All right.” She stood as he crossed to the kitchen. “I need to go splash my face. I think I snotted all over your shoulder.”

“The neat thing about clothes is that they can be cleaned.” He pulled down two mugs then opened her caffeine cabinet where she stored all her coffees and teas. He'd learned his way around her kitchen with an effortless grace, just as he'd become an integral part of her life. At that moment, she didn't mind. She didn't mind at all.

“Kaname.”

“Hmm?” He looked up, the dim light reflecting off his glasses before revealing his night-dark eyes.

“Thank you for being here.” She curled her toes into the throw rug, hugging herself. “For coming back, or rather, for not leaving in the first place. For knowing that I might need you, even if I didn't know it. I-I appreciate it.”

His smile lit up his entire face, the tenderness in it pushing away the last of her sorrow. “You're very welcome, Nadia. Always.”

His words were a welcome, but his tone was an invitation, an offer for so much more than a demonstration of antiquated sexual treatises. At least, that's what it sounded like to her wrung-out mind. Touched, she made her way to the half bath, turning the taps on so that she could splash her face. One look in the mirror had her groaning aloud. She was a wreck, her hair spiked up at odd angles, her skin blotchy from crying, her eyes red and swollen and devastated.

She hadn't bawled like that in years. In fact, she'd taken great pains in her recovery to make sure she wouldn't have to experience any emotional upheavals. Feeling pain led to wanting to do anything to numb the pain, leading her down a slippery slope she never wanted to traverse again.

“One day at a time, one step at a time,” she told her reflection, repeating the mantra that had been a part of her life for the last few years. When things became overwhelming, it helped to turn away from the big picture, to focus on little, manageable things. Like splashing cold water on her hot mess of a face, pulling herself together piece by tiny piece.

Somewhat composed, she returned to the living room to find Kane waiting for her on the couch, two mugs of tea on the table in front of him. As always, he'd kicked off his shoes and left them by the door. He'd also taken his sweater off, leaving him in just his jeans.

Nadia groaned. “I did ruin your sweater,” she said as she flopped onto the couch beside him. “I hate ugly crying.”

“It's just a sweater.” He handed her a mug of tea. “Chamomile. Thought you'd appreciate the calming effect.”

“I do.” She took a tentative sip, mindful of the heat seeping into her fingers. “I appreciate everything you've done.”

“You've said that already.” He pushed her hair back from her face, tucking the longer strands behind her ear. “And I've said you're welcome. This is just one of those things I do for my girl when she needs me.”

My girl.
The words should have sent a shaft of panic zinging through her, but at that moment, they were exactly what she needed to hear.

“Now, tell me what happened.”

“You know what happened,” she answered, unwilling to expose him to the toxic conversation she'd had with Audie.

“I know what happened with Audie was emotionally traumatic for you, but that's not the only thing all these tears are for.” He brushed at her cheeks again. “You were crying as if someone broke your heart. Did Audie say or do something that upset you?”

“You could say that.” She returned her mug to the table, then turned to face him. Haltingly, she gave him an edited version of her conversation with Audie. The longer she spoke, the tighter his jaw became until she was certain he was going to explode.

“Please don't be angry at her, Kane,” she said, reaching out to clutch his forearms. “She's in a really bad place right now, and I don't think the painkillers were helping her think clearly.”

“You still don't say crap like that to someone who's your friend,” he said, his voice tight with repressed fury. “Especially after that friend rushes to your side in the middle of the night to take care of you and give you a place to stay.”

“I know,” she whispered. Tears burned in her throat, and she tried to swallow them down, swallow down the pain, the hurt, and, God help her, the anger. “I know, but I don't want to give up on her. I can't give up on her. We're her family. Where would I be if my family had given up on me?”

“Ah, sweetheart.” His fury dissipated as he pulled her into his arms again, just as she'd hoped he would. She went, needing the comfort he offered, the connection. “I'm sorry you had to go through that.”

“She thinks she's going to lose me. To you.” Nadia hiccupped. “She said that before.”

He stiffened. “I wouldn't make you choose between me and your friends, Nadia.”

“Siobhan said the same thing.”

“Siobhan is pretty smart.” He tilted her chin up. “You believe us, don't you?”

“Yes.” Somehow she knew he wouldn't make her make that kind of choice. What she didn't know was if she'd do it to herself. She'd done it once before, and was still living with the fallout all these years later.

He stroked her hair, calming her, and maybe himself. After a while he spoke. “Do you mind if I put on my counselor hat for a moment?”

“Go ahead.”

“I don't know anything about Audie or about her past, but I have worked with enough people to know that there must be a past trauma that has bearing on what she's doing to herself now. Audie's self-worth is tied in to people wanting her. She measures that in her number of sexual partners and also in how far she can push her friends. She thinks anyone interested in her, whether it's for sex or friendship, wants something from her.”

“Why would she do that?”

“She's afraid of losing the things that are important to her, but she also thinks she doesn't deserve them. So she keeps picking and picking in an effort to drive you away, which she doesn't want, in order to say that she was right to believe that people just use her for what they can get out of her.”

“Oh, God. Audie.” She covered her mouth with trembling hands.

“Her choices are not your fault, Nadia,” he said gently but firmly. “Even though she didn't make good choices tonight, that doesn't mean she should have been hurt like that. This could be a turning point for her. That's part of the reason why I called Sally Jensen. I'm hoping she'll work with Audie, get her on the right track. Sally can help her help herself. Audie's a good person underneath it all. She just has to believe it herself.”

She wanted to believe him. She needed to believe him. If he was wrong it would mean that she'd have to give up on Audie, and that was the last thing she wanted to do. Especially when she knew it wouldn't take much for Audie to give up on herself.

“I guess I'm not as thick-skinned as I used to be.” She huffed out a laugh. “A few years out of Los Angeles and my skin has already softened.”

“I'm glad you don't have thick skin,” he said, hugging her tightly. “You're much more touchable this way.”

“Thank you. You say the sweetest things.” She yawned.

“You're exhausted. Come on.” He stood, helping her to her feet. “I won't stay if you don't want me to, but I want to make sure you get some rest.”

“Kaname Sullivan, you're as exhausted as I am. There's no way I'm letting you drive home now.” She folded her arms across her chest, biting on her bottom lip. “Besides, I wouldn't mind having you beside me while I fall asleep. It's . . . comforting.”

He pulled her close. “I like sleeping beside you too, Nadia Spiceland.”

They made their way upstairs to her bedroom, stripped down, then slipped into bed. He reached for her as he usually did post-sex, wrapping her in his arms and tucking her against his chest, her head resting over his heart.

She cupped his cheek, listening to the reassuring rhythm of his heartbeat. “I'm sorry our weekend was interrupted.”

“We'll have other weekends. Tying you up and having my way with you won't be a onetime thing if I can help it.”

“You won't have to try too hard to convince me.” She pressed her lips to his skin. “What you did for me tonight, and for Audie . . . I've never had anyone be there for me like that outside of family and Siobhan. You were my hero tonight.”

“Thanks, but I'm not a hero. I'm just a man who wants his woman to realize she doesn't have to go through things alone. I'm here for you as long as you'll let me be.”

Nadia closed her eyes against the almost painful warmth that spread through her at his words. She wanted to believe him. Here in his arms, it was easy to believe him. But Audie's words stayed with her long after Kane fell asleep, and though she tried to bury them deep, she knew they'd fester for a long time.

T
he bell over the café door jangled, signaling a customer. Nadia looked up, hoping it was Audie. They hadn't seen her since the Sunday after her attack nearly two weeks ago. While Audie had slept, Nadia had called Siobhan and Vanessa. Together the three of them had staged an intervention of sorts, except that they hadn't issued ultimatums since those never worked with Audie.

It hadn't been a pretty moment, a highly charged nonconfrontational confrontation in which curses were hurled, tears were shed, apologizes were made. In the end, Audie had agreed to work with the counselor, then Siobhan had offered to take her to get her car so she could make her meeting with the advocate. It had been almost a week without any returned phone calls or text messages, and Nadia worried that Audie had cut her losses and run.

Her heart fluttered as she caught sight of Kane walking toward her. He was sinfully gorgeous in his dark navy suit, crisp white shirt, and multipatterned tie. She recognized a power suit when she saw one, and this was definitely one. It was so unlike his usual style of dress that she instantly suspected something was wrong.

“Kaname.” She rounded the corner of the counter, stopping in front of him. “What's wrong?”

“Nadia.” The strain in his dark eyes eased slightly as he took her hand. “When you say my name like that, it makes everything all right in my world.”

“Now I know something's wrong.” She stared at him, wanting to soothe him but hyperaware of her staff and the few customers watching. She guided him to their most secluded table. “What's going on? Why are you dressed for a funeral? Your parents are okay, aren't they?”

“My parents are fine, but something's come up.” He squeezed her hand. “I have to go down to Los Angeles for a couple of days.”

“For work?”

He nodded. “I've been asked to consult on a case, and they want to meet in person.”

It was Thursday. A couple of days meant that their weekend together was in jeopardy. “That makes sense. It must be important, or they wouldn't have asked for your help. Have they told you what they'd like for you to do for them?”

“No.” He frowned, rubbing his thumbs over her knuckles as if she was his human worry stone. “It depends on the nature of the case. It could be anything from me reviewing their work and agreeing with and signing off on their conclusions, to working up a full-fledged profile. I'm hoping it will be something simple, but if it was, they wouldn't have called me.”

She smiled despite her disappointment. “That's because you're good at what you do and they know it.”

That brought an answering smile to his lips. “Your faith is a treasure I keep close to my heart.”

“Ooh, that's a good one. You should write that one down and use it for the next time I'm all hormonal.”

He wiggled his eyebrows. “You seemed to be just fine the last time you were hormonal.”

“That's because a certain professor seems to have discovered the perfect cure for cramps.” She sobered. “How long will you be gone?”

“Until late tomorrow at the least, but more than likely I won't be back until sometime Saturday. I would ask you to come with me, but I know you can't leave the café.”

“Not really.” Except that in an emergency, she could get Jas to take over for her. Her assistant could reproduce her recipes as well as she did. To go to Los Angeles though, even to be with Kane . . . she didn't think she could do it. The bad of LA far outweighed the good. “It's just that I haven't been in Los Angeles since I left four years ago.”

“I know, sweetheart.” He drew their clasped hands up. “It's merely wishful thinking on my part. I don't want you to be there any more than you want to go, even for me. Besides, I'm not sure how much free time I'd have. My goal is to spend every waking moment working so I can get back here to you as soon as I possibly can.”

“It seems like there's always something interrupting our weekends,” she said wistfully. She didn't want to think of the import of that, didn't want to think there was some deeper meaning in the fact that their efforts to be together for longer than a night at a time were stymied at every turn.

“That just makes the time we do get to spend together that much sweeter.” He leaned closer. “I would like nothing more than to walk through the
Garden
with you this weekend, you know that. I find myself living for the moments I get to be inside you, so much so that I'm tempted to drag you upstairs right now.”

“Ooh.” She bounced in her chair. “Can we? Even a quickie would hit the spot right now.”

Reluctance crossed his features. “Dammit, no. Every quickie we've attempted has turned into a marathon. I have to leave like five minutes ago, but I couldn't go without seeing you. You know I'll be thinking of you every moment I'm away from you, right?”

She tried for a joke. “And that's different from any other day how?”

He released a soft gust of laughter. “True. I do think about you more often than is probably healthy, but I don't give a damn. Thoughts of you are infinitely better than the other things I have to think about.”

“Like the case you have to consult on.”

“Like this case.” His lips thinned. “We're going to have our weekend, Nadia. Even if it doesn't start Friday night. If I have to drive all night from Los Angeles, I'll be back on Saturday.”

“I'll be here, waiting.”

“Will you?” He stared at her, his eyes intense with need, with something else she couldn't name.

She tightened her grip on his hand, then reached up to cup his cheek. “Of course I will. I have a feeling the reunion sex is going to be pretty freaking epic!”

He pressed his cheek against her palm. “I have the feeling I'm going to need it.”

Worry crawled through her veins. “Is it that bad?”

Again his smile vanished. “It sounds like it.”

She couldn't help it. She got up, sat in his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. It didn't matter who watched them or how much grief she'd catch from her staff later. She'd do anything to erase his stress, to give him something else to think about. Considering how he'd been there for her when she was dealing with Audie, it was the very least she could do.

It wasn't about keeping the relationship scales balanced. Not anymore. Something weighed on Kane, something he probably couldn't talk about for a variety of reasons. Whatever it was, she didn't need to know. All she knew was that he was bothered, and if she could do something to take that bother away, she'd do it even if only for a little while.

His hands tightened on her waist, pulling her even closer as he deepened the kiss, changing it from soothing to sensual. As always she found herself sliding into his sensual web, drugged by his kisses, craving the sensations only he could evoke within her.

He pulled away, reluctance limning his features. “Damn, Nadia,” he breathed. “What you do to me should be a federal crime!”

“Does this mean that you're going to detain me, Professor?” she whispered in his ear.

He growled. He actually growled. “If I hadn't already promised I'd be there in a few hours, I'd say to hell with everyone and kidnap you to Lake Tahoe or something.”

“You're not a reckless man, Kane,” she said, rising to her feet.

“With you, I feel completely, wholly, and most unapologetically reckless.” He gave her a rueful smile as he stood. “But thanks for being the voice of reason.”

He stepped back from her, straightening his jacket, regaining his composure. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”

“Wait a moment.” She hurried to the counter and asked Rosie to bag up one of the sticky buns while she made a chai latte to go. Taking the bag from Rosie, she came back around the corner and pressed the bag and cup into his hands. “Here's a care package for the road. I know the buns always put you in a good mood, so at least you'll be good for the plane ride.”

“Nadia.” He drew in a deep breath, his lips parted as if he wanted to say something. She waited, but all he said was, “I'll call you when I get in and when I'm able to leave. At the very least, I want your voice to be the last thing I hear before I go to sleep tonight. All right?”

“Same here. I don't care how late it is, you call me. Promise?”

“As my lady desires.” He pressed his forehead against hers for a moment, then turned and quickly walked out the door.

“Whew.” She sagged against the table, her heart aching. Kane had barely been gone a minute and she already missed him. Missed him so keenly that it felt like physical pain.

“Is everything okay?” Siobhan asked as she approached.

“Yeah.” Nadia straightened, and gave her partner a shaky smile. “He's been asked to consult on a case, so he's heading down to Los Angeles. He said he'd try to get back early Saturday, but there's a good chance the weekend's toast.”

“Oh honey, I'm sorry. I know you were looking forward to spending some quality time with the professor.”

“I was, but something always comes up to throw a monkey wrench in our plans. Do you think it's a sign?”

“A sign of what?”

“That I shouldn't be with Kane.”

“I think you're creating drama where there is none, hon,” Siobhan said. “We all just watched that very public display of affection you two had. You damn near melted the window.”

Heat stained Nadia's cheeks. “Well, ah, if we're going to rate this on the sex alone, this relationship thing gets an A-plus.”

“And the problem with that is?”

“What about the other stuff?”

“What other stuff?”

“The other stuff that makes a relationship a relationship.”

Siobhan cocked her head. “Like what?”

“Like going to the movies, or bowling. Like spending more than an overnight with each other. Every time we've tried to take a full weekend together, something's happened. I mean, that's just weird, isn't it?”

Siobhan settled her hands on her hips. “Are you doing that freak-out thing again?”

“I think so.” She folded her arms across her chest. “This thing with Kane . . . I want it to become something and at the same time I don't.”

“Because if it becomes something, emotions get involved.” Siobhan gave her a knowing look. “And if emotions get involved, you think you're going to screw it up.”

“Of course I'm going to screw it up,” Nadia retorted. “Have you met me?”

“I have. This you and the old you. I've also met your professor and I know enough about him to know he's got his crap together, and he's not the selfish bastard that Gary was.”

“Siobhan!”

“I know, speaking ill of the dead and all that.” Siobhan waved her hand in dismissal. “But he was selfish. Wanting to have his cake and eat it too. You may have walked into that mess with your eyes wide open, but he put down the rug over the trapdoor and invited you to walk across it.”

Nadia winced, but sometimes the truth hurt. “Kane doesn't know any of that. I haven't told him, and he hasn't looked it up on the Internet.”

“Are you sure about that?”

She cut Siobhan a glance. “You think he'd still want me if he knew?”

“That's the real issue, isn't it? It's not about what he makes you feel or being afraid of those feelings. What you're really afraid of is that he'll learn everything about the way you were, and that will be enough to make him not want to be with you the way you are now.”

“Give the lady a prize.” She'd told Kane about her rehab stint, but he still saw her as that hot bakery lady. Would his opinion change when he found out about Gary?

Siobhan slapped her hands down on Nadia's shoulders. “So here's what I think. I think your emotions are already engaged in this relationship. Yes, you are in a relationship, whether you spent one hour or forty-eight hours together. If you don't believe me, remember how he supported you through the night of Audie's attack. Someone who is just in it for sex wouldn't have done that.”

“You're right.”

“Of course I'm right. I'm the oldest and the voice of experience. Maybe it's time to adjust your schedule, give Jas some more responsibility. If the relationship is worth it, if Kane is worth it, then you should bend a little. And for goodness sakes, don't let your fear override your instincts.”

Nadia eyed her partner. “You know, I think you need your own talk show. They're doling them out like Halloween candy these days, but you'd actually be good at it.”

Siobhan let loose with her throaty laugh. “Like hell. I'm good at failed relationships, trying again, and failing again. And I'll probably go through it yet again beating my head against a very stubborn wall.”

Nadia knew Siobhan meant her nonexistent relationship with her daughter. She wrapped her arms around the other woman. “So you've heard from Colleen then?”