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Jack only called her once or twice over the next few days. He could sense what was happening to her, and he knew how hard it was for her over the holidays. Dori had died in November, and he had stayed drunk for an entire week between Christmas and New Year's.

He wisely left Amanda alone to cope with her feelings privately, but on the morning of Christmas Eve, he had a Christmas gift dropped off for her. It was a small eighteenth-century sketch of an angel that she had admired in the store, and it was very pretty. He wrote a brief note to go with it, and told her that he hoped an angel would be watching over her, this Christmas and always. He signed it 'Jack, and she was deeply touched when she saw it, and a little while later she called to thank him. She sounded more distant than before, but a lot calmer. She was obviously coming to terms with whatever it was she was feeling. And although he was happy to hear from her, he was careful not to frighten her by being too intimate with her. But right now he was totally swallowed up by the store anyway. They had had a few problems, a small theft, a nearly fatal heart attack the day before, and a small army of lost children. The usual crises over Christmas. They had also lost the gold sequined dress of a famous star, and then found it miraculously, and had had two famous women slugging it out over one man, in cosmetics. The holidays had not been without excitement.

I hope you have a good time with your kids tonight, though I know it will be hard for you without Matt.

He always carved the turkey, she said sadly. She sounded so small suddenly, and all he wanted to do was put his arms around her.

Have Paul do it, Jack said gently. I taught him everything I know. About turkeys, not about women. She smiled at what he said, and asked him if there was any news about Paul. Jack told her that Paul had an appointment to go to the specialist between Christmas and New Year's. I hope everything checks out fine, Jack said hopefully.

So do I, she agreed with him, and she suddenly wished she had invited him to dinner, but the children would have wondered why he was there, and he couldn't have left the store anyway, and what point was there in asking him? She wasn't going to pursue a relationship with him. She had already made that decision, and as he sat listening to her on the phone, from his desk, Jack could hear her decision about him in her tone. She had already taken a definite distance from him. He thought about calling someone to go out with him on New Year's Eve, but for once in his life, he didn't even want to. He had already made reservations to go to Tahoe the day after Christmas, and he was going alone.

Merry Christmas, Amanda, he said gently before they hung up, and he sat in his office for a long time, thinking about her. He had never known anyone like her.

And that night, as he walked around the store, helping out wherever he was needed, he thought about them eating turkey at her house, the children, and the tree, his own son, and her two daughters, and he suddenly realized what a wasteland his life was. He had spent the last ten years chasing tits and cute little asses in tight blue jeans, and what had it gotten him? Absolutely nothing.

You don't look like you're having such a good Christmas, Gladdie said when she left that night. He had given her a beautiful cashmere coat, and an enormous bonus. Something wrong? The kids okay? She worried about him, and she knew there was no hot mama of the moment. She also knew that he had called Paul's mother-in-law several times, and she was afraid that he might be sick, or something might be wrong with the marriage, but Jack had purposely said nothing about it.

No, I'm fine, he lied. Except that I've wasted my life, the only woman I ever loved died thirteen years ago, and the best woman I've ever met before or since wants to bury herself with her husband. No big deal, Gladdie. Merry Christmas. Just tired, I guess. Christmas in this business is a killer.

Every year I tell myself we'll never get through it, but we do, she smiled. Financially, it had been their best year ever.

So what are you doing tonight? He smiled at her as she put her new coat on. It was a soft lavender-blue and she loved it.

Sleeping with my husband. Literally. The poor guy hasn't seen me awake in six weeks, and he probably won't for another week.

You should take a couple of days off. You deserve it.

Maybe when you're in Tahoe. But he knew she wouldn't. She never did. She was the only human being he knew who worked harder than he did.

As he did every year, he worked until after midnight, and he was with the night watchman when they finally locked up at one o'clock in the morning.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Watson.

Thanks, Harry. Same to you. He waved, and slid slowly into his red Ferrari. But he was too tired to sleep when he got home. He watched television for a while, and thought about calling someone, but by then it was three o'clock in the morning. And for some odd reason, he felt as though those days were over. He just didn't care anymore. There were no legs long enough, no breasts big enough, no skin soft enough to woo him.

Christ, maybe I'm dying, he said out loud, and then laughed to himself as he went to bed. Maybe turning sixty was doing it, and not just Amanda. There was no fool like an old fool, and he had certainly been one.

He slept until noon the next day, and thought about calling her, but when he did, she was already gone. She was at Louise's house with her family, eating yet another turkey. He drove out to north L.A. and picked up some Chinese food instead, and then sat on his unmade bed, eating it, and watching football. He called a couple of girls after that, and wanted to ask them out for dinner that night, but everyone was out, and he was actually relieved not to reach them.

He knew Amanda was home that night, but he didn't call. What could he say to her? Are you over your husband yet? Suddenly he felt like a fool for badgering her, and he tossed and turned all night, and thought of her. And finally, the next morning, he couldn't stand it. He was leaving for Tahoe that afternoon, but when she answered the phone he asked her if he could come by for a cup of coffee.

She sounded surprised, and a little worried, but she invited him over anyway. There was always the possibility that he wanted to talk to her about Paul, or Jan, but she didn't think so. And when she saw his face, when she opened the door to him at one o'clock, she knew that it had nothing to do with their children.

You look tired, she said, looking concerned about him.

I am. I can't sleep anymore. Turning sixty is rougher than I thought, he said with a wry smile. I think I'm finally losing my marbles.

How's that? He followed her inside, and they walked into her comfortable kitchen. She had a pot of coffee on, and offered him a cup, and then they sat down at her kitchen table.

He looked at her over his coffee and asked her bluntly, I've made a real nuisance of myself, haven't I? I guess mashers don't clean up all that well. I got a little overexcited. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, that was never my intention. He looked desperately unhappy as he said it, and a lot less than sixty. He looked and felt like a kid again, visiting the one girl in the class who didn't want to go steady with him. I know how hard this time is for you. I'm sorry if I made it any harder for you.

You didn't, Jack, she said gently, her eyes boring into his, she looked as unhappy as he felt, and as though she felt so desperately torn that she didn't know what to do about it. I know I shouldn't say this to you, but I've missed you. While he pretended to look calm, his heart flipped over as she said it.

You have? When?

For the past few days. I've missed talking to you, and seeing you. I honest to God don't know what I'm doing.

Neither do I. I've been feeling like an utter fool, and the biggest pain in the ass that ever lived. I've been trying to leave you alone, because I figured that was what you wanted.

I did. But there was a catch in her voice as she said it.

And now? He held his breath as he waited.

I don't know. She looked up at him with eyes the color of a cameo and all he wanted to do was kiss her, but he knew he couldn't.

Just take your time. You don't need to make any decisions. Go slow. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. ' And then he remembered, with a grin. Except Lake Tahoe.

Now? She smiled at him, she really liked being with him.

Later. I still have to go home and pack my ski clothes. I should have packed yesterday, but I was too beat to do it. She nodded then, and they talked, and a little while later, they were comfortable again, and she was laughing at him. He was describing the incident in the store when the two women got into a fistfight over their common boyfriend.

Can you imagine what the tabloids would have done with that? And of course, if they got hold of it, both women would have blamed us for squealing. Actually, they deserved it. He still hadn't told her who they were, and said he wouldn't. He was surprisingly discreet about his business. So what are you going to do this week?

Nothing much. Maybe I'll see the kids, if they're not too busy. But he didn't reiterate his invitation to Lake Tahoe. He knew she just wasn't ready. Maybe I'll go to a movie. What about you? Are you taking anyone with you? She was still trying to convince herself they were just friends, and it wouldn't bother her in the least if he was taking a woman along, but it would have, and she knew it.

No, I'm going alone. I ski better that way. And then, tired of playing games with her, he took her hand in his and held it. I'm going to miss you. She nodded and said nothing, and then she looked at him, and she would have melted him to his soul if he'd been wearing asbestos. What are you doing on New Year's Eve? he asked casually, and she laughed at him.

Same thing I do every year. Matthew hated New Year's Eve. We went to bed at ten o'clock every year, and wished each other a Happy New Year the next morning.

Sounds exciting. He smiled.

What about you? she asked with interest.

Mine will be about like yours this year. I might stay up at Tahoe. And then as he looked at her, he felt suddenly stupid. On the other hand, Amanda, ' we could do something a little different. We could hang around together here. Just as friends, and go to movies and watch television together. I don't have to go to work, and there's no law that says we can't be friends, is there?

What about your ski trip?

I have a bum knee anyway. He grinned. My orthopedist would thank you.

And then what? I mean after that ' that's the part that scares me. Oddly enough, she found it easy to be honest with him.

We don't have to worry about that part yet. No one's keeping score here. We have a right not to be alone over the holidays. Who are we proving what to? You? Me? Our kids? Matt? It's been a year. You paid your dues. If nothing else, we have a right to a little comfort and friendship. How much trouble can we get into at a movie? He was very convincing.

With you? Probably more than I dare to think of.

I'll sit alone in the back row. I won't even come near you.

You're crazy. She shook her head as she looked at him, trying to will herself to say no to him, to send him away, she knew she should, but everything about him was so damnably appealing.

I came to the same conclusion myself yesterday that I'm crazy. Actually, it almost had me worried.

Me too, she laughed again. Everything about you has me worried. If I had any sense, I'd tell you that I don't want to see you again until the christening of Paul and Jan's first baby.

That could be a while. Even at best, we're talking nine months. That's a long time to forgo movies. So what do you say?

I say go to Lake Tahoe, and have a great time, Jack. Call me when you get back sometime.

Okay, he said. He was old enough and wise enough to know when he wasn't going to win. It killed him to leave her, but he got up, wishing that he could convince her. Happy New Year, he said, as he kissed the top of her head and walked out of her kitchen. He was already at the front door, and had opened it, when he heard her say something, and he turned around and saw her standing in the kitchen doorway. What did you just say? The look in her eyes rooted him to the spot. She looked frightened, but strong, and her eyes never left him.

I said there's a movie I want to see at the Beverly Center. It starts at four, if you want to join me.

Do you mean that? His voice was a whisper in the chill hallway.

I think I do ' I want to ' but I don't know yet.

I'll pick you up at three-thirty. Wear jeans. We'll go to the Thai place for dinner. Okay? A slow smile dawned in his eyes as she nodded. And without another word, before she could change her mind again, he drove home to cancel his reservations in Tahoe.

The next five days were magical. They seemed to hang in space like a time warp. They went to movies, walked in the park, talked about anything that came to mind, or sometimes just sat together, in silence. There seemed to be no pressure on either of them. He called the store, but he didn't go in, and of course Gladdie was there. She hadn't taken time off after all. But for the first time in years, he didn't give a damn about Julie's. He just wanted to be with Amanda. Nothing was said, no questions were asked, no answers were offered, and nothing was promised. They just spent time together. And it was exactly what they both needed and wanted.

It was as though day by day Amanda could feel herself healing. And he felt himself becoming the man he had once been, with Don, only better. He was older and wiser, and had squandered a lot of time in the last thirteen years. It suddenly seemed to him as though it had been someone else's life, and it no longer mattered.

She talked about Matt sometimes, and once she cried about him, but she seemed to feel more peaceful about him. She was slowly accepting that he had died and she had lived, and she wanted to stop feeling guilty about it. And without saying anything to Jack, she had quietly slipped off her wedding ring, and put it away in her jewel box. She had cried over it, but she no longer felt right wearing it. For the first instant it had slipped off she thought it would tear her heart out. She never mentioned it to Jack. But he saw it immediately the next time they had dinner, and knowing what a big step it must have been for her, he diplomatically made no comment.