Southern Hearts (21 page)

chapter NINEteen

I inspected the indigo and cobalt of the sky as they combined into the white of the nimbus clouds outside the small oblong window of the plane. And once it had taxied across the runway and come to a stop at the terminal in Dallas/Fort Worth, refueled, and sped back into the air, I realized I hadn’t moved, I had barely flinched even a muscle during the six-hour flight. I had passed on the in-flight lunch of chicken Cordon Bleu, motioning to the flight attendant with my eyes without allowing myself to speak. I didn’t want to hear my words or have them cast into the heavens where they didn’t belong. Instead I reclined my seat, adjusted the volume on my CD player, laid my head back, and closed my eyes.

So many things had happened this summer. The heat had taken over the cool wind of spring and the tourists had long since vacated and returned to their humble lives. Over the past year I had taken the good with the bad and tried to retain some sense of myself. I had wanted so desperately for things to be normal, whatever my understanding of the word was.

When the airplane pulled into the gate in New Orleans, I took my bag from the overhead compartment where it had been stowed. I had packed light: one pair of rayon slacks, a silk burgundy blouse with silver buttons, a pair of low-heeled black pumps, my toiletries, and a single gold necklace with a gold charm that my mother had given me on my fourteenth birthday. After I deplaned, I merged into the rush of travelers that were trafficking their way across the airport. I got into one of the many taxis at the curb, handed the driver a typed set of directions, and without letting the deep sorrow inside seep from me, sat back and stared blankly out the window as we drove.

The car turned from University Avenue onto Cemetery Road and into Greenlawn Memorial Gardens, past the caretaker’s house and the tiers of groomed hedges of rosebushes and up toward the parted gates near the mausoleum. Legions of cars, a few stretch limos, and a hearse lined the drive. The grass was shiny, bright green, and cut to perfection. The cenotaphs and headstones made long passageways across the expansive lawn and gleamed as if at attention.

The cab slowed and came to a stop. I sat for a moment, inhaled, then threw one leg out oddly over the other in an unladylike fashion as I stood up, pressed my palms along the creases of my pants, straightened and adjusted my mussed top, then walked up the narrow sidewalk to the top of the hill. The grave site was at the far boundary of the property, amid a sea of tall statues and fragrant azaleas. As I stepped onto the uneven ground, Tami threw her arms around my neck, holding me to her like a mother would hold a nursing infant, with gentle hands that firmly cradled. It almost brought a sudden gush of tears, but I held them in, refusing to allow myself to break.

“It’s beautiful here, I know she would have liked this.” I rubbed Tami’s back as the tears flowed down her cheeks.

“I’m sure she’d approve.”

Rows of folding plastic chairs were threaded across the patchy grass in long oval rows that faced the casket. Its stainless steel sparked in the gold beams of sunlight as it stood to the center of a satin-covered base that was adorned by a fancy lace tapestry. I sat down just to one side, crossed one knee neatly over the other, blinked my eyes cautiously, and stared without expression into the broad collection of trees that were forever in mourning just beyond the casket’s shiny cover.

It had been a calm night, with a sky that would seem to be eternally without light—moonless and clear, awake with the echo of crickets and beetles. Wiith her bedroom windows open, the shades at full staff, and the scent of magnolias peacefully drifting in on a gentle breeze, my mother had passed away quietly in her sleep. It had been the perfect setting, a scene from a sentimental movie and just what my mother would have chosen for her final departure from this earth had the script been hers to write.

I moved back to Louisiana the following month. Most of the things from my tiny loft apartment in Seattle had been donated to Saint Vincent De Paul, some I’d given to friends, and the rest I had packed into brown boxes and shipped on ahead by UPS. I had quit my job with little regret and much to my own surprise was looking forward to being home again.

“Well, well. I’m glad my baby finally came to her senses.” Marney stood just inside the door, her hands fisted in the top of her apron strings, as I took my bag from my lap and got out of the cab.

“You know I’m only moving back here because of you, right? I mean, I couldn’t live with myself if I knew you were out here alone in this big house with nothing to do,” I joked, but as I thought of stepping into the house for the first time, knowing my mother was gone, my body nervously shook.

“Nothing to do? Child, if I lived for the next seventy years and worked from morning ’til night this house still wouldn’t be up to snuff.”

I tapped a kiss on her cheek as I passed. “I figured you’d say something like that. You really don’t know how hard you work around here, do you?”

“Y’all are my family, darlin’, and there’s nothin’ this old Southern woman wouldn’t do for her kinfolk.”

I shook my head and grinned.

“And when you get your stuff put away, there is someone out on the back porch waiting to see you.”

I dropped my stuff and kicked it into a tidy pile at the base of the stairs, then picked up a glass of lemonade from the side table, took a few quenching sips, put it back down and then stepped out onto the veranda. The sun was high in the sky and the air was light, with a refreshing breeze.

“Hi.”

I turned toward the voice. My heart filled with delight and my stomach hopped into my chest as I saw Lani standing just in front of me. It had been several months since she had gone home from the hospital. I had not seen her after her release, and those months had been hard on me—probably as hard on me emotionally as they had been on her physically. It was as if I had lived a lifetime during those long days at the hospital, at her bedside, watching her struggle with the pain and cling to life.

“Hi...I didn’t expect to see you.” I tried with extreme difficulty to control the excitement that was all but overtaking me.

“I thought I’d surprise you.”

“I’m surprised. Plan successful.” I smiled.

“I called Marney yesterday and she told me exactly when your plane was coming in, so I did the math and here I am.” Lani fluttered the palms of her hands in the air.

“I didn’t know you were still here. I would have thought you would have gone back to New York by now.” I moved toward her, my gaze drawn to hers.

“Well...when I was finally able to travel and my bags were packed, something wouldn’t let me go, and I decided to stay. So, here I am. Mostly recuperated but yet still sort of on the road. Nothing strenuous, that sort of thing.”

I stood in a momentary trance, bound by her gaze, as if we were in a tight embrace, our arms were curled tightly around each other.

“You look great.” I wanted to rush to her side, take her in my arms and hold her, but I didn’t.

“Thanks. I lost a little weight during the course of everything. A pound or two, maybe, but nothing really significant. Nothing that would really show on me, anyway.”

I froze. Lani remained deadpan for a moment, then the corners of her mouth raised and she chuckled.

“Cute.” I returned her grin.

“Sorry...sometimes I just get some odd enjoyment out of making you uncomfortable.”

If she only knew, I thought.

“Anyway, I just wanted to come by and give my condolences about Eleanor in person.”

“Thank you.”

“And I also wanted to thank you for all the hours you spent with me at the hospital. Most of it is a bit fuzzy, but I remember every time I woke up...you were there, and that was really important to me.”

“I wanted to be there for you and I was glad I was able to be.”

Our words fell into the silence of the afternoon as the heat simmered up around us.

The weeks after my mother’s death passed with a good deal of unobstructed normalcy. My adjustment to living at home again had also progressed, and my transition had been relatively seamless. I smoothly blended back into the Southern culture and allowed myself to be happy with things as they transpired. I missed my mother terribly, but I knew that she was also looking down on me, and though it had taken me most of my life to understand, was proud of me no matter what my decisions or choices.

Lani and I had seen each other often, every day or so, spending long stretches of time strolling through the orchard, sharing life stories and just enjoying being around one another. We had made a few paddle trips down the river, laughing under the veil of the bayou trees. Our relationship had bloomed, though in many ways it had remained the same. I was enamored by her, my every sense held to her every breath.

As the weeks rolled on, the urge inside of me to finally tell Lani how I felt came and went like the ebb and flow of the ocean’s current. There were moments when I thought I was going to explode if I didn’t get the words out, but just as quickly the moment faded and was replaced by a sense of anxiety. If my feelings for her weren’t reciprocated or if we had already formed too intense a friendship for her to be able to cross over and see me as a lover, I knew I would be crushed, and as much as I wanted to tell her that I had fallen in love with her...I couldn’t.

chapter TWENTY

I thought eggs Benedict might make a nice Saturday morning breakfast. I know how much you used to love them as a teenager.” Marney smiled, setting the plate down on my placemat and then pouring a glass of cranberry juice from a carafe.

“It looks great! And I don’t think I’ve had eggs Benedict since I was a teenager.” I took a spoonful of egg yolk and Hollandaise sauce and dripped it into my mouth as I spoke.

Marney shook her head and then sat down next to me and pulled her paper fan from her pocket, fanning herself.

“Aren’t you eating?” I spoke again moments later, my mouth half full.

“Good gracious no, child, I had my breakfast long ago.”

“Oh, I forgot. Eating breakfast in the light of morning somehow takes something away from the experience,” I teased.

“Hush your mouth, child.” I looked at Marney and we both broke into laughter. “Sure feels nice to laugh. Life continues on, just as God intended.”

I looked down, nodding in affirmation.

“How are you and Ms. Lani going to be spending this glorious day? You two sure have been seeing a lot of one another.”

“Actually, she has other plans, so I guess I’m on my own. And it’s been nice, she’s a sweet person.” I wiped the sides of my mouth with my napkin and then folded it and placed it under the corner of my plate. “I was thinking maybe I’d do some work in the garden. It’s looking a little neglected.”

“Oh, you won’t have time for that, chèr. You’ll be accompanying me into New Orleans. I need to pick up some things for the house and I can’t do it all myself.” Marney picked up the empty dishes and returned with a damp cloth, running it back and forth over the tabletop.

“Aw, okay. Are we in a hurry or something?”

“Nope, just wanta get movin’ before the day scurries into the Lord’s day and I’m having to dress for church.”

“Good grief, it’s only noon.”

“Then get on up out of that seat and let’s get rollin’. The day is almost wasted.” Marney took hold of my shirt and lifted me from the chair. “Oh, and when we get done with the errands, I’m gonna be spending the evening with my friend Thelma Paulines over in Abbeville. Her arthritis is acting up and she’s behind on her alterations for her shop, and we have early choir practice tomorrow so I told her I’d stay over so we could get more done.”

“You’ve never stayed over at Thelma’s before, and you always have early choir practice.”

“Just never you mind. You’ll have to fend for yourself for the evening.”

“Okay, it will give me a chance to make the house look a little more lived-in.” I smirked.

“You do and I’ll tan your hide.” Marney popped me on the crown of my head with her hand and we giggled. “You mess up this house, Kari Ann, and I’ll take a stickup side you.”

“Boy, things never change around here.”

The night was peaceful and smelled of barbeque off in the distance. After I dropped Marney off I had grabbed a hamburger and fries from town, then washed the car. I pulled into the driveway just as darkness engulfed the day and parked near the front of the house, noticing a small glimmer of light peeking through the wood blinds. I got out of the car, looked around and walked tentatively toward the door, putting my key into the lock and apprehensively turning it.

The house was warm and dark, but as I looked toward the top of the stairs my eyes were captured by a flicker of amber that bounced off the walls of the hallway. The air was still and silent, and I clutched my keys tightly in my palm and headed up the steps. My heart skipped back and forth loudly inside my chest, and as I reached my bedroom door, which was slightly ajar, I inhaled, then stepped into the stream of light and pushed it open. I stood wide-eyed and breathless, a rush of scented candles stinging the inside of my nostrils, and swallowed hard as I stared at Lani. She was naked in my bed, lying on her side with her head propped up on one arm. She smiled boldly as I looked at her.

“Surprise.” Lani moved one leg up over the other, exposing her crotch.

“Ah...” I took a breath and then tried again. “You’re beautiful...you’re so beautiful.” I was captured by her body and the way it seemed to glow in the backdrop of candlelight. Her eyes beamed and seemed bigger and more inviting then I had ever known them to.

Lani sat up, throwing her legs over the edge of the mattress, and leaned forward to take my hand and pull me gently to her.

“Are you sure? I mean, are you sure this is what you want?” My heart was pounding so hard I couldn’t hear myself speak. God, she was so amazing. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she and unbuttoned my jeans and pulled my T-shirt up over my head.

“There isn’t anything I want more than this.” She put her palm up under my panties until my body quivered and I moaned from the sensation.

She slid her arms down over my thighs, and as my pants fell to the ground she gently leaned back onto the bed, pulling me down on top of her. Her skin was hot, and her body felt sensual and erotic underneath mine. At the touch of her pubic hair to mine I flooded with wetness, closing my eyes and letting the heat flow across my insides. I parted my lips, took a labored breath, then touched them gingerly to hers, moving my tongue slightly until it stroked hers.

Our kiss was long and tenderly passionate. Bowing my head down to her chest, I ran my tongue along her neck, up around her earlobe, then down, tracing her nipple until she arched her back and moaned. She reached back, clutching the bed’s comforter as I licked up and down her abdomen slowly, pressing and circling the inside of her belly button. She gripped my hair tightly, pulling it, then moving around and grabbing my bottom and pulling me further on top of her. I ran my fingertips gently over her stomach, and my heart spun wildly at the feel of her skin to my touch. I closed my eyes and held every bit of air inside of my lungs as I massaged her.

Lani rolled me onto my side, licking up the base of my throat and around to the shells of my ears until chills prickled up my torso and around my breasts. She put her hand to my wetness, tickling it with her fingers and coating them with my arousal.

“Oh God, that feels nice,” I panted.

“You’re so wet, I love it. You’re making me wetter by the minute.” Lani struggled for air as I eased my fingers inside her.

“Oh...oh, that’s it...right there,” Lani directed. “Yes.”

I moved my index finger and thumb in tiny circles over her clitoris, gently rolling it.

“Oh yeah...that feels great.” As she spoke, she pushed her fingers inside me.

I held my breath.

“I want us to come together the first time.” Lani pushed harder, and I put my arm up around her back to support her. “Yes....”

“Don’t stop, I’m gonna come.”

“Me too...yes.” I buried my face in her breasts as we came, then fell back limp onto the bed, holding her. I laid my head on her chest and listened to the throb of her heartbeat. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted you.”

“I think I’ve wanted you since the first day we met.”

I turned to face her. “I love you, Lani.”

“I love you too.”

I couldn’t pull my eyes from Lani. As I listened to her voice and watched her lips form around the words, a warm contentment spread across me. My life had come full circle, and I realized in that moment that my Southern heart was finally home.