Southern Hearts (18 page)

Her smirk was sly and matter-of-fact as I brushed past her. Then she came back into the tent, picked up her plate, and continued her way down the line of people crowding the long banquet tables. She gave me one last smile before turning and walking in the opposite direction.

It was uncharacteristic of me to be so abusive, but her disrespect to Lani, the terms she had used had caused a surge of hot coal to burn in the pit of my stomach and knock me into a wrath.

I had hoped our whole attempt at interaction had gone unwitnessed by my family. This was a party and an occasion that deserved to be enjoyable and unspoiled.

“Kari?” Marney called out, getting my attention. “Can you run up to the house and bring down some more barbeque sauce? I have a fresh pot on the stove.”

“Sure.” I spooned a few bites of beans into my mouth, then put my plate down for the second time and headed toward the house.

“Hi,” a soft voice said.

I looked up to see Lani moving from behind the one of the large columns that stretched along the back side of the porch.

“Hi. I was hoping you’d come,” I said, lowering my glance to hers.

“I wish I could say it was my idea, but I was really more forcibly brought more than coming here of my own will.” Lani shot a fake grin.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” I looked at the flashes of sunlight that hit the highlighted strands of her blond hair. Her face was tan, and only a hint of her eyebrows was visible from behind the dark tint of her Bollo sunglasses.

“I’m sorry about the other night,” I said suddenly cutting the silence. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I let my imagination get the better of me, and then that night at the bar, throw in few beers and you have an-all around inconsiderate idiot.”

Lani smiled, taking her sunglass and folding them over the collar of her shirt. Her eyes were soft, melting with compassion. “I said some things I shouldn’t have too. I think I got more upset then the occasion warranted.”

“No, you had every right to feel the way that you did. I had no right to butt into your personal life. That wasn’t fair of me and I’m sorry. You’re a nice person, Lani, and I would hate to ever see anyone hurt you.” I moved closer to her. “Our friendship has meant a lot to me. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I understand things better now. I hope I haven’t tarnished our relationship too badly.”

“You weren’t entirely wrong about Nic. We have had our issues, and the fact that you were able to see that—well, I think that’s partially why I got as upset as I did. I was taking my own misgivings about her and firing them at you, and that was unfair of me. Sometimes it’s more difficult to hear what you know to be true. It makes it more real, I guess.” Lani took a deep breath. “But I’m glad you’re happy. Your girlfriend is pretty. I can see why you like her.”

I watch the way her eyes sparkled and drew me in as she spoke. She had a small mole just in front of her right ear, right above her jawline, and when she smiled it moved toward her lips.

“We’re only friends, we barely knew each other.” That sentence had all but escaped my mouth undetected.

“I’m leaving tomorrow, so I guess our reconciliation is also a good-bye.”

That one word, those two syllables, shot from her mouth like a bullet piercing through my skin, past my breast bone and right into the wall of my heart, which throbbed in pain.

“You’re leaving tomorrow?” It was a reality that I had known for a while, and whether I had conveniently forgotten or pushed into the back of my mind for future contemplation, at this moment it hit me hard. I didn’t want her to leave, but I had no right to ask her to stay. My feelings were jumbled and confused; I hadn’t had the time to analyze them. I didn’t have anything to offer, so asking her to stay with me, to be with me, would have been unfair.

“I start my new job early Monday morning, and I still haven’t found an apartment.” Her voiced lowered. “Nic flew out yesterday and she’s looking, but everything is just so expensive. You have to be filthy rich just to be poor.” Lani smiled. “Will you be going back to Seattle at the end of the summer?”

“Yes. My work has been more than gracious by allowing me the summer, but if I stay away much longer I may have to start sending out my own round of résumés,” I teased, hoping to dispel some of the dread that was stirring around my insides. It hadn’t occurred to me that Nic would be going with her, or maybe like everything else where Lani was concerned, it had occurred to me, but I had put the thought out of my mind.

Lani made the expected overtures. “I’ll write and call and I hope that you will do the same,” she said.

I wasn’t certain if I believed her. In fact, I was quite sure those were the words of a polite woman who was at a loss for words. I knew that if I’d had the forethought, I would have muttered a similar phrase and uttered a similar promise. Distance, no matter how small, seemed to put a huge chasm between people. Family seemed to be the only ones immune. If we were to write at all, it would be only a few times, each letter getting progressively shorter, the information contained in them more trivial, and the calls, if any, would be short and to the point, with little substance. Bread minus the yeast, cake minus the flour, and no doubt more tormenting than enlightening or joyous.

“I...” There were some many things, so many words that I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that I thought I had feelings for her, or at the very least that something was going on inside of me that I couldn’t explain, and that every time I was around her my insides jumped to attention and my heart lurched into a throb like I had never experienced. I wanted to wish her well, and mean it. I inhaled, taking her hand from her side and cupping it into mine. This was my opportunity, the only one that perhaps I would ever be given. She would be leaving in twenty-four hours, and the time to express whatever I had inside me that was yearning to get out was at hand. “I...” I repeated the word, still grasping for those words that would follow.

“Kari, they’re getting restless out here,” Marney called, emerging from the tent.

I exhaled. “I’m sorry!” I backed away from Lani and went inside. When I stepped back out on the porch carrying the cauldron of sauce, Lani was no longer standing there.

I walked back down the grassy hill maneuvering carefully so that I didn’t drop the sauce as I walked, then set the pot down at the end of the table. I thought that perhaps Lani had gone down to the party. I hoped. But something inside of me knew that my chance had come, and with the sweeping speed of a tornado clearing the flat land of the Oklahoma panhandle, it had passed, destroying everything, and I was left looking at its devastation.

chapter SIXteen

The morning dawned as a smattering of dew blanketed the grounds. Remnants from the party that had gone on until almost one a.m. littered the lawn in every direction. I looked around at the trash that was piled as high as the tabletops. The evening had been a warm one, and the wood slats of the seat backs still hung with discarded jackets and patchwork throws. Chairs had been thrown in every direction; one had even managed to find its way out into the bayou, and was now tipped and coated in muck.

I grabbed a few plastic lawn bags from the work shed, threw on a pair of my mother’s dirt-spattered gardening gloves, and got to work stacking Dixie cups inside of each other and clearing the tables of their debris.

“Well, another year down,” Tami called from behind me, yawning as she walked toward the shed and donned a similar cleanup ensemble.

“Yeah, I think this year was even better than the ones I remember.”

“Well, considering last year I did it all by myself, I would say it doesn’t even compare,” she teased.

“I ate so much food! Everything was so good. I’m not gonna be hungry for a month.”

“Marney is unsurpassed in that area, there is no doubt about it.”

“Are you and Megan heading back to Atlanta tomorrow?” I asked, swiping the napkins and utensils from one of the tables with my forearm and dumping them into the trash sack.

“I think we are going to stay on for a bit, look after Mom and things.”

“What about Bradley?”

“We’ve decided to separate. It’s only a trial separation.” She sighed. “But eventually I know it will become permanent.”

“I’m sorry Tami, I really am. There’s no chance you guys can work it out?”

“I don’t think I want to. I realized that we hadn’t been happy for a long time and that him cheating on me really only made things more formal. Truth is, if it hadn’t been for Megan, I would have left him years ago,” she confided. “Life can sure be problematic.”

“That’s for sure. It’s not all tambourines and folk songs.”

“Good thing. I hate ‘Kumbaya.’” She giggled. “But enough about the drama of my life.” She piped with excitement. “What about you and your love life?”

“I thought you didn’t want any more drama,” I joked. “Things are really messed up. It’s like one part of life molds together just as another rips apart. Everything can’t be good all at the same time, like it throws off the center of gravity or something.”

“What happened?” Tami sat down, bracing her hand under her chin.

I chuckled as I moved around her, clearing the remaining tables. “What didn’t? I got drunk, kissed her, said some things that I regret, made a joke out of myself and then when I had the chance to fix it all, and when the damned iron was hot,” I paused, “I set it down and walked away. I mean, I told her I was sorry, but I didn’t tell her why I had acted the way I did, and that was the part she needed to hear.”

“What was said exactly?”

“It’s a long saga that I don’t really feel like diving into right now, but the bottom line is I think I lost someone that I—” I stopped short of the phrase that had about blurted from my lips.

“You what?”

“I think I...” I couldn’t say the words, it was too painful.

“You what?” Tami said softly, curiously.

“It doesn’t matter, it’s all screwed up now anyway.” I jammed a paper plate into the bag.

“Just go to her and tell her how you feel. It’s not that tough. She’s around here almost every day. I’m sure if you apologize and explain things, you guys can work it out.”

“Who’s around here every day?” As the question came darting out, it dawned on me that Tami and I were talking about two totally different people. I had not thought of Regee since our blowout yesterday; she was a shallow and insignificant individual who wasn’t worth a second thought.

“Not Regee,” I said sharply. “Lani.”

“Lani? I thought you had something going on with Regee. God, I’m confused.”

“Sheesh, sis, can you try and keep up?” I scolded.