Soul and Shadow (22 page)

For awhile I had been ballerina crazy. My room was redecorated with every variation on the theme. I put on my nightgown like Clara and twirled around the house. My father would turn one of the living room lamps on me like a spotlight and announce, "Presenting Miss Lily Evans, the greatest dancer of them all."

And of course I had my prize possession, the white and gold box. I could see it so clearly still in my mind's eye. All of my precious trinkets were stored in it, more valuable to me than any jewels. My pearly sea shell, my cat's-eye marble, a glittering costume brooch of my mother's.

While my mind skimmed over the contents, I heard Caliman's voice coming from what seemed a long way away. "I see a jewelry box. The kind that played music and had a little pop-up ballerina."

"Yes," I said. "I used to wonder what happened to her when I shut the lid. Was she still in there guarding the treasures? Or did she only exist when she danced? It didn't seem quite fair, having to go around and around in circles. Maybe one day she would escape, stretch her legs, throw out her arms and jump high above the box and into the sky. No more compartments, no more pink velvet, no more lid to hold her down. Just infinite space to spin in. Freedom."

My voice cracked. " So I pulled her out to save her. But she broke. Her legs just dangled, and she couldn't dance at all. The magic was gone. I felt guilty and angry because she was so fragile. I put her away in the box and never opened it again. No more ballerina dreams for me. It was all different after that."

I hardly noticed when he took his hand off of mine.

Tears ran down my face. "It seems so stupid, doesn't it? She was only a little piece of plastic with a painted face and a tiny scrap of netting for a skirt. It shouldn't have mattered so much. Why did it matter?"

Caliman's voice was very gentle. "Because you were five years old, Lily. She was alive to you. And she still is in a way. You wanted out of the box too. And now you're afraid that you're broken. But you're not made out of plastic. You're so much stronger than that. Don't stop dancing. Don't let anything make you stop."

As I fumbled in my purse for a tissue, Katy reappeared. She scowled at Caliman. "What's going on?"

"We were just talking," Caliman answered. "I was a bit worried when she left the tent."

Katy sniffed. "It doesn't look like you've made her feel better. Are you all right, Lily?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I really don't know."

"Let's go home. I'm sorry I ever brought you here." Katy brandished her fried dough at Caliman like a weapon. "You, beat it!"

"I'm not trying to hurt you, Lily," Caliman said. "I know it isn't easy. I've been through it too. If you want to call me, I'm at the University's physics department. You can look me up online."

"Don't hold your breath," Katy retorted. She took my arm and marched me away. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know he would really scare you. What else did he say?"

"I can't talk about it right now. I... need to think. Okay?"

"Sure." My friend gaped at me, but she let the subject drop.

The return drive was mostly silent while I struggled with the emotions raging through me. There was no doubt about it; Caliman's reading had been eerily accurate. He had known about my psychic experiences and my efforts to try and forget them. For months now, I had been telling myself that the visions of someone else's past life had somehow been the product of emotional stress. I was encouraged in this belief by my ex-fiancé Stephen. And the psychiatrist he had recommended.

Dr. Carson's pills and calm, rational treatment had almost lulled me into seeing his point of view. Since Dame Ursula Allingham―the eccentric archaeologist who had started it all―was back in England, the paranormal was completely out of my life. And so was her grandson, Kent Ashton, the man I loved so much...

"Oh, my God!" Katy's shriek and the squealing of brakes jerked me out of my daze.

The car swerved off into the middle of the road, which was luckily free of any other traffic. Stunned, I looked around,
wondering what had caused her panic. I glimpsed some kind of large animal bounding off into the fringe of trees.

"What
was
that?" I gasped. "A deer?"

Katy pulled off to the side, switched on the hazards and sat there shaking. It was a moment before she could speak. "I'm not sure. It could have been a dog, but it seemed...wild. Like a wolf."

"There aren't any wolves around here. They live closer to the mountains, downstate. Maybe a husky. I hope it's not lost."

Katy let out a slow breath. "I think I lost ten years off my life. It ran right in front of us. Whew! That was close."

"Well, it's a good thing you were paying attention. Nice reflexes there." I unfastened my seat belt. "I'll drive the rest of the way. You deserve a chance to relax."

Katy hesitated. "Okay. If you're sure. I admit I feel like a bowl of jello." She got out of the car and we exchanged places. "It's really weird though," she remarked as we settled back in. "That thing, whatever it was, was
huge
. And its eyes—I could have sworn they were glowing."

"That was probably a reflection of our lights. Don't worry. It wasn't some kind of beast from beyond." I chuckled.

"That would make a good title for a movie, wouldn't it?
The Beast From Beyond
. Two young, beautiful women whose car goes dead, pursued by a slavering creature from hell, running along a deserted highway—"

"—screaming, twisting our ankles and falling down," I finished. "Been done about a hundred times."

"Excuse me, Lily, but I am a
writer
," Katy replied. "While it was distracted with eating you, I would bash it with a stone from behind and make a rug out of it."

"I believe beasts from beyond are a protected species. You'd be in a lot of trouble, my former best friend."

In spite of our banter, I was relieved when I turned the key and the engine sprang immediately to life. It had ended up being a very unsettling day, and I was glad we were close to home. Soon I would be back with my own little beast, my beloved Cleocatra, and have time to mull over everything that had happened. All I wanted was some chocolate ice cream and an evening of peace and quiet.

Chapter Two

Of course, it was not to be. When Katy dropped me off at the Victorian house I rented, a familiar red car was in the driveway. I groaned inwardly. Stephen. The last person I could discuss today's events with.

My practical ex had decided that strange happenings did not take place in his orderly world. The fact that he had been a part of such happenings was swept right under his mental rug. He was just as determined that I forget them too. He was a doctor, and he dealt with what he could see and fix. Since he had saved my life when I was poisoned, I was at the top of his 'to-do' list. I would not be mentioning any druid mind readers to him.

He had let himself in, and was ensconced in an armchair with Cleocatra purring on his lap. "Hi, honey," he said. "Did you have fun at the Faire?"

Fun was one of the last words I would have chosen, considering the turn the day had taken. "It was all right," I answered evasively. "Very colorful. The costumes were wonderful, and so were the actors. I loved listening to the dulcimer player. Luckily, wandering minstrels make CDs now."

I put down my purse and tried to pick up my cat for a welcoming hug. Without appearing to dig in, her claws somehow remained firmly attached to Stephen's jeans. I gave up and just tickled her under the chin. "I missed you, too," I said. Cleo inclined her head graciously, and I took a seat on the sofa.

"I'm so tired, I feel like I drove a thousand miles. We almost hit a husky on the way back. If Katy wasn't so quick, we'd be sitting in a ditch somewhere on the thruway."

"You didn't get hurt, did you?" Stephen went immediately into doctor mode. Cleocatra was deposited on the floor, jumping back into the vacated chair triumphantly. Stephen began examining my shoulders and neck. "Does this hurt? How about this? Turn your head, slowly. Do you feel anything?"

"I'm all right, really," I protested. "No broken bones, no whiplash. Katy is fine, too. It was just scary. It seemed to come out of nowhere and run straight towards us."

"A husky?" Stephen asked dubiously. "What would a husky be doing on the thruway?"

"I don't know. I hope it wasn't lost. We sat there for awhile, but it didn't come back."

"Were there houses anywhere nearby?"

"No. It was a long, empty stretch of road." I laughed a bit self-consciously. "Katy thought it was a wolf. She claimed its eyes were glowing red."

"Yeah, well, Katy has quite an imagination. There aren't any wolves around here. It was probably a coyote. They've been spotted in the area recently. You two were lucky you missed it. That could have been one nasty accident."

I shuddered a little at the memory. "Yes, I know. I feel like I want to lie down for awhile. Sorry, do you mind?"

Stephen looked disappointed, but he couldn't argue. "Of course. Probably a good idea. Is there anything I can do for you before I leave? You ought to take some ibuprofen to head off any soreness."

"I will. Thanks. Did you come by for anything special? I don't mean to rush you out."

"It's okay. I was just going to tell you about my visit with Brenda. I was with her this morning."

I was instantly on the alert. The mention of my mother always did that to me.

"How is she? What did she say?"

"She's doing well, Lily," Stephen responded soothingly. "She wasn't agitated at all today. We talked about a new book she's reading with her friend Maria. She seemed quite happy."

"Mrs. Heinlein has been a real friend to her," I said. "Not like some of the others. Did Mom mention me, Stephen?"

"She still thinks you're on a trip." We had agreed on that strategy when my visits upset her. "She read your last letter out loud to me again. She's so proud that you're about to get your degree."

Oh yes, the PhD that was now on indefinite hold because my professor and mentor had turned out to be an antiquities thief. The fall semester had started without me while I tried to piece my world back together. But letters to my mother had to be cheerful and positive, so she would think that I was safe. She was not yet strong enough to face the fact that she had almost killed her only child, just to keep me where she thought I belonged; close to her, and married to Stephen.

"Well, maybe I can call her tomorrow. I'll check with Dr. Brooks first. Thank you," I said sincerely.

"No problem, kid." Stephen gave me a gentle hug. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Sure." I kissed him lightly, and he left. Cleocatra swished her tail reproachfully. Stephen was the number one man in her life, and she never took kindly to his departure. "Oh, give me a break," I chided her. "It's been a rough day. Can you think about me, you furry little monster?"

She stared at me, and then meowed. "I'm going to take a nap," I told her. "Do you want to come?"

I went into the kitchen for some Advil, and a minute later, just to show that it was her own idea, Cleocatra came padding after me. When we lay down on the bed, she curled up in the crook of my arm.

"You know, Cleo," I said as I stroked her, "I'm so sick of this whole mess. Having to make phone calls and write letters to my own mother, as if nothing ever happened. Tiptoeing around on eggshells while she's in that hospital, never sure of what to do. Feeling sad, feeling guilty, feeling scared. And yes,
angry
. Angry that everything in my life got turned upside down. I lost...I lost so much." Tears welled in my eyes. "And I've tried to be responsible, I've tried to be fair, but Cleo, it's hard. It's just so hard!"

Cleocatra's rough pink tongue licked at the wetness on my cheeks. Not for the first time, I felt that she understood every word I said. There was something preternatural about my pet. Perhaps the ancient blood of the Egyptian cats sacred to the goddess Bubastos flowed in her veins. I wouldn't be at all surprised.

"I met a man today, Cleo," I continued. "He told me things that he couldn't have known." An image of the frail little ballerina flashed again across my mind. "Do you think he was right? Do you think I've stopped dancing? Am I stuck inside the box?"

Cleocatra rubbed her head against my face. I didn't know what kind of answer that was, but it was comforting nonetheless.

"It's easy to talk about soaring, but sometimes you have to keep your feet on the ground. I've got to look after Mom. I can't live in England with Kent. I have my degree to finish and my work with Dr. Carson. I don't want a life where dead people's wishes become more important than mine. I'm in control, Cleo. That's what Dr. Carson says. He's really helping me, and the medicine is working, and—"

And the whispers are still there. You just don't listen to them anymore. But they are not going to stop.
Once you have met the Other, you cannot escape.

Damn Caliman! What gave him the right to come along and start pulling bricks out of my wall? It was hard enough to maintain a defense as it was. I shifted restlessly, and Cleocatra protested with a yowl. She planted herself on my chest and stared down at me, as if trying to bring me back into line. I had to laugh. "Okay, okay. Enough about Caliman. We'll just have a nice nap, all right?"

Cleo showed her approval of this suggestion by stretching out full length beside me and giving a mighty yawn. Somehow she could make herself seem three times her size when it came to crowding me on the bed. I was happy with her company, though, and her purring began to relax me until I felt drowsy. My eyes closed, and I drifted off into sleep.

I was walking down a forest path with dense green trees on either side. They were so tall that they shut out the sunlight, and it was hard to see where I was going. I stepped carefully to avoid gnarled roots and the creeping tendrils of vines. I could hear leaves rustling even though there was no wind. It sounded eerily like humans having a conversation in a language I couldn't understand.

Otherwise, there was no sound. No animals scavenging, no insects buzzing, no birds singing. I came to a wooden bridge that stretched across a vast expanse of dark water. I was drawn by an almost irresistible desire to look down into its depths, but when I tried to turn my head I found it impossible. My eyes stayed locked on a strange white mist I could vaguely see forming at the end of the bridge. It seemed to be beckoning me on.

I put out my foot to tread upon the planks, and at the exact moment I moved, a sudden howl rent the air. In that dead stillness it was like an explosion. I was frozen in fear, unable to make even the smallest of sounds.

Slowly, right in front of me, a shape began to materialize. Four legs, a tail, a body with thick gray fur. The last thing to appear was the head, with a pair of red, glittering eyes that stared straight into mine. A wolf. A very
large
wolf. A wolf that spoke to me and asked, "Are you ready?"

I knew for certain that this animal was seeing right down into my soul. There was no question of lying or pretending that I did not understand it.
Was
I ready? Ready to cross and meet whatever was on the other side?

I looked ahead at the white mist and then back at the wolf. A powerful force seemed to be holding me in place. I could not retrace my steps through the trees, but I could not see what lay before me either. I had to make a decision. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. The answer was still forming in my mind. While I hesitated, the wolf began to fade away.

"You will have to choose," it said, the voice hanging in the air as it disappeared. "Choooose." The last word turned into a howl, still ringing in my ears as I awoke. Cleocatra was echoing it as she bristled beside me. I grasped her instinctively, and the howling stopped. "Good girl," I said as I hugged her. "It's all right, I'm okay." My heart was pounding, but whether from fear or excitement, I couldn't be sure. There had been elements of both in the dream, and a curious sense of expectancy. What did it mean?

I was more than used to strange dreams. I had actually experienced episodes of another person's life in them. Now, with the sleeping pills Dr. Carson gave me, my nights were full of deep slumber devoid of any images I could remember. Maybe that was why everything in this vision stood out so clearly. Even after I got out of bed, went into the bathroom and then the kitchen, and fixed a snack, all of the details were still sharp.

As I munched absently on my ham sandwich, I tried to mull over the implications, but I was distracted by Cleo at the foot of my chair. She clearly wanted to share the bounty, and was attempting to stare me into submission. "I know Stephen fed you," I told her. "I saw your dirty dish and smelled the tuna fish. Do you want to get so fat that you can't fit through the door anymore?"

Her tail swished as if she were wagging it. "Ask a stupid question," I murmured. "All right, one little piece of ham. And that's it!"

Cleo accepted her due. The phone rang in the living room. "Can you get that please?" I asked. The cat turned around and walked off towards the noise. Laughing, I followed her in and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Hi, Lily," Katy said. "Just thought I'd check in and see how you were doing."

"I'm okay. How about you?'

"Okay. Is Stephen still there?"

"No, he didn't stay long. Checked me over for whiplash and trauma, then said to take two Advil and call him in the morning."

Katy gave a little chuckle. "Well, I'm glad he gave you a clean bill of health. He loves any chance to fuss over you."

"I know," I replied, feeling a familiar pang of guilt. It was obvious that Stephen wanted our relationship to pick up where it had left off, when we were still engaged to be married. But so much had happened since then. He had gone away to another state for medical school, I had lost touch with him, and by the time he re-entered my life, Kent was in it. Oh, Kent...

"Actually," Katy was continuing, "I was more worried about your emotional state. The whole Caliman episode. I really didn't mean to upset you, Lily. I hope he didn't say anything too terrible to you. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me. "Not tonight. I'll tell you later. I'm still feeling funny about a dream I just had. I was taking a nap, and even though I knew I was asleep, it seemed like I was having a vision, you know, like in a trance state. I was trying to cross a bridge, and there was a wolf there. Big surprise, huh? I couldn't get past him, but there was something on the other side I felt I had to see. I'm not sure what it was, and my feet wouldn't move. It was such a weird feeling."

I did not expect the intensity of Katy's interest. She made me tell her every detail of the dream, and when I was finished she seemed to be absolutely delighted. "Wow! Lily, do you know what you experienced? A classic transformation dream. It's a beautiful example, complete with all the symbolism. How wonderful!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You've tapped into the universal unconscious, all the minds that live or ever have lived, the knowledge and emotion of all mankind!"

"Yes, I've read Carl Jung too, Katy. I suppose the wolf represents my fear, and I have to get past it and choose how I'm going to live, right?"

"Oh, it's so much more than that!" Katy was excited. "The wolf is not a symbol of evil. Well, western culture has made him that way, Little Red Riding Hood and all that. But in other people's folklore, he's seen as a powerful and good figure. In your dream, he's a threshold guardian. You do have to get past him, but he doesn't want to harm you. He just wants to make sure you're ready for the journey."