Sorrows of Adoration (59 page)

Oh, how wonderful it
felt to laugh! Life poured back into my soul with every snicker and
giggle. The curtain of numbness vanished from my mind, and I could
sense my pain there in the background, but in the background it
remained. My heart was filled with only mirth and merriment, and I
revelled in it!

Jarik eventually left
my hair alone and came to stand before me, bending at the waist to
bring his face close to my own. As I clapped my hands together
joyfully in continued laughter, he reached out to touch my cheek, a
most concerned look on his face. Of course, the strange concern
made me laugh even harder, and I rocked in the chair with it.

The power of speech
suddenly returned to me, though I did not notice it until I heard
myself say, “Oh Jarik, you can best any foe in a fight, but you
can’t make hair wrap around a simple pin!”

I laughed again, merry
tears starting to pop out from the corners of my eyes and roll down
my cheeks. A smile spread over Jarik’s adorable face, and soon he
too was laughing—tentatively at first but soon as raucously as I
was myself. He took my hands in his own, and I rose to stand before
him. He squeezed my hands and then moved his hands up my arms to my
shoulders.

“Dear Aenna,” he said
while still laughing, “your laughter is the sweetest sound I have
ever heard!”

His hands gently
squeezed my shoulders, and before I realized what was happening, he
was pulling me towards him—not in an embrace, but to kiss me. His
lips met mine jubilantly, making my heart leap in my chest. It was
a short kiss, but when he pulled himself away, our laughter ceased
abruptly.

I felt a smile spread
over my face as I saw one spread on his. He leaned forward and
kissed me again, this time with a sincere passion. I slipped my
arms around his waist as he wrapped his around me, pulling me into
a loving embrace, our lips moving together. Because he was so much
taller than myself, I had to practically lie back in his arms to
keep my head tipped up towards him. My heart raced in delight as he
moved his mouth against mine, slipping his tongue now and then
briefly between my lips. At no time did I even ponder that I was,
in fact, betraying my husband. Kurit did not so much as enter my
mind as Jarik enticed me with his most erotic kisses.

When finally we
stopped, he held me tightly against himself. I felt safer in that
moment than I ever had, or ever have since. This man had seen me at
my happiest and at my most despondent. He knew better than anyone
what pained me, what enthralled me, and what I held dear. He knew
my strengths, my weaknesses, my achievements, and my failings. And
despite having more than sufficient reason of late to be disdainful
of me, there he stood loving me, holding me, making me feel more at
peace with my world than I had thought possible, given all that had
gone wrong.

After a few minutes in
that quiet embrace, I leaned back out of his arms far enough to
look up at him. He caressed my cheek, and I smiled at his
touch.

“Please tell me that
you are back to stay,” he whispered.

I nodded. It occurred
to me then how awful it must have been for him to have seen me
suffer so, not to mention that I had forced him to pin me to the
ground to prevent me from killing myself. Guilt settled into my
mind, and I said, “Jarik, I’m sorry I put you through—”

He put gentle finger to
my lips and shook his head, smiling. “Hush,” he whispered. “Let it
go. As long as you have regained enough strength to move forward
and can allow your damaged heart to be healed, the terrible things
that brought you to this point do not matter.”

“But I want to explain
to you why I felt that I had to—”

He put his other
fingers on my mouth to still my lips. “Don’t, Aenna. Don’t relive
what made you feel that you had to die. I read your note. I can
guess at what you thought you were doing. But you must know now
that it was the wrong choice. I don’t condemn you for it, but you
must listen to me when I tell you that your death would have solved
nothing. It would only have caused agony for those of us left
behind.”

I closed my eyes
guiltily, but he would not allow me to fall back into sorrow.

“Aenna, there are times
when death is honourable, and I know you sought that honourable
path out of love and not out of selfishness. I know you. But I hear
me now: you are a strong and wonderful woman. We need you alive,
Aenna. Kurit, Raelik, and I need you. Your people need you. Your
death would not have helped us, though I know that’s what you
intended.”

The mention of Raelik
made me realize I had no recollection of having seen him during any
of my times of consciousness during my madness. “What of my son?
Jarik, please tell me he didn’t see me staring into space. Please
tell me that he doesn’t know how awful it was.”

Jarik pulled me into
another warm embrace and said, “Don’t fret, Aenna. We allowed him
to see you only when you slept and told him only that you were not
feeling very well. We let him curl up beside you at times until he
would sleep himself, and then Lyenta would carry him off to his own
bed. He has been very worried for you, of course, but he thinks
only that you were feeling very tired.”

“I should see him. And
Leiset. Where is Leiset? Why did she leave you to fuss with my
hair?”

Jarik chuckled softly.
The sound echoed in his chest and inspired me to cuddle myself
against him all the more. “Leiset has been fretting over you such
that she became badly overtired. I commanded her to take a day of
rest, lest she grow ill with fatigue. I used the logic you once
served to me, and she too saw that it would not help you to run
herself into exhaustion. She was always concerned that you be
dressed and properly attended to, for she feared that if you felt
unkempt you would be even more distraught and would never wake from
your mad silence. I told her that I could manage to put your hair
up for you and sent her off to bed.” He laughed softly again and
said, “Little did I suspect that I would do such an awful job as to
inspire you to return to sanity long enough to mock me.”

I giggled for a moment
and then sighed happily as I felt him kiss the top of my head. “I
suppose I ought to let you finish, then.”

“Only if you would
allow me to make one simple braid!” He laughed. “I give up on the
fancy wrap. You women are all mad creatures to fuss so!”

I sat back in the chair
and told him happily to go ahead with one simple braid. “I very
much enjoy having you brush my hair, Jarik,” I admitted. What
reason was there, after all, to hide anything from him?

The warrior smiled at
me in the mirror and set about the happy task.

* * *

I spent the next few
days learning to feel alive again and trying not to think of the
heartaches that undoubtedly awaited my return to Endren. Jarik and
Leiset doted on me at every minute, and I was not without one of
them by my side at any time. I suspected and later confirmed that
they worried I might take my life if left alone to do so.

I tried to explain to
Leiset why I had wanted to die. I told her I had no intention of
trying again, for the guilt of leaving my son motherless was too
difficult to bear. When I told her that I wished the arrow had
killed me the day I first entered Endren, that I might have been a
favoured memory instead of the cause of such anguish for everyone,
she wept and held me. She insisted that I was not the cause of the
anguish any more than Kurit or Jarik were the cause of my
abduction.

Jarik took to sitting
by my bedside at night despite my reassurances that I would not
attempt suicide again. He said that he believed me when I said it
but feared that, if I were alone, my thoughts would grow dark once
more and madness might lead me back to the brink of death.

The only time either of
them was not directly beside me was when I played with my son. I
suppose they knew well enough that I would not lose myself again to
madness in his cheerful presence, and of course I would never harm
myself when he could see it. Raelik warmed my heart, and to this
day I cannot believe I was able to walk away from him.

The mark upon my face
went through myriad revolting shades of green and yellow before it
at last began to fade. One afternoon when only a small yellowish
bruise remained on my cheek, I asked Leiset to accompany me to the
lake.

“I wish to bathe
there,” I told her.

“Bathe? Whatever for?
Aenna, I shall draw you a bath here,” she said disapprovingly.

“No, Leiset, I really
wish to go to the lake. I know it’s not entirely proper for a
Queen, but I don’t feel much like a Queen as of late. As a girl, I
delighted in bathing in a small pond near the Temple Academy—when I
could be sure there were no boys nearby, of course. I’d wait for
them all to be off in games, and then I’d strip myself bare and
swim until dinner. It was such freedom, Leiset. Please, indulge me
in this. I do so want to feel that freedom again.”

Leiset sighed, crossed
her arms over her chest, and muttered, “Very well. But we’re not
telling anyone. It’s quite scandalous, you know.”

I laughed. “I don’t
care if it is. We’re far from idle tongues. And we must tell Jarik,
lest he fret when he cannot find me.”

Leiset sighed in
exasperation but gathered towels and bath salts nonetheless.

As soon as we arrived
at the small lake’s shore, I began to remove my clothes. Leiset
grumbled and sighed but did not try to stop me.

“Leiset, you should try
it,” I said as I slipped into the water. Though it was a warm
summer’s day, the water was a little chilly against my naked flesh.
I clenched my teeth and forced every sensitive part under at once,
which made me gasp loudly.

“Indeed, Aenna,” Leiset
muttered, having heard my gasp. “It sounds positively
delightful.”

I splashed a bit of
water in her direction and laughed. “It’s a bit of a shock to get
in, but already it feels beautiful.”

“You mustn’t stay in
long,” she warned. “You’re very thin these days, and you’ll catch
your death of cold.”

“Very well then.” I
sighed. I swam to the edge near where she sat and asked her to hand
me the bottle of bath salts. She did, and when I opened it I
noticed it was almost empty.

“Oh, curse it!” Leiset
muttered when I told her. “I meant to grab the other bottle. I’m a
fool, Aenna, sorry. I should have checked more closely. Is there
enough to clean yourself with?”

“Well, it’s hard to
tell. I think I can make do with this,” I said. I didn’t want her
to have to walk all the way back to the cottage just for bath
salts.

“Let me see,” she
asked. I handed her the bottle reluctantly. She grumbled and said,
“I’ll run back and fetch more. Why don’t you get out of the water
then?”

“Must I? It’s so lovely
in here. Don’t bother to go. I’ll use what’s there.”

“Aenna, you’ll feel
dirty all evening, and you hate that. I’ll go and return
quickly.”

“I don’t want to get
out of the water, though,” I said.

Leiset looked at me
seriously and said, “Will you promise to stay near the edge, then?
You won’t go swimming amongst the reeds at the other end or any
such thing?”

I nodded. “I promise,
Leiset. I shall be fine.”

Leiset sighed and
walked quickly back up the path to the house.

I leaned my head back
in the water and let myself float happily. I closed my eyes and
listened to the sound of the water around my ears. It was
incredibly soothing and, had I been able to stay afloat without
effort, I would have gladly let myself drift asleep. Instead, I
just daydreamed of my childhood days when I had bathed like
this.

Little did I know that,
when Leiset returned to the cottage, Jarik saw her enter without
me. I learned later from Leiset that he had asked her where I was,
and when she had told him she had left me in the water, he flew
into a rage. She said that he began to scold her on leaving me
alone where I could easily take my own life but then realized I
was, in fact, still alone, and ran off in a panic towards the
lake.

Of course, when he
reached the lake, all he saw was my naked form floating and barely
moving. He called out to me, but my ears were submerged and I did
not hear him. So, ever my heroic Champion, Jarik leapt into the
lake to rescue me, fearing already that I was drowned.

Now, I knew none of
this was going on around me. All I knew was one moment I was
dreaming away, floating happily, and quite relaxed. The next, an
enormous splash knocked me from my reverie, and a wave covered my
face. Being startled, I inhaled at the very wrong moment and took
in a lungful of water.

Panicked, I grasped
desperately for the surface, coughing and sputtering and unable to
see. I did, however, feel someone grabbing at me and, not knowing
who it was, naturally suspected that some vile rogue had seen me
bathing and was attempting to assault me. In my efforts to fight
off the hands on me, I sank below the surface and again inhaled
water.

Then the hands were
around my shoulders and pulling my head back above the surface.
Again I coughed and sputtered and gagged in an attempt to breathe.
Finally, I heard Jarik’s voice bellowing at me over the noise of
the splashing and my own hacking. Once I realized it was him, I
stopped fighting his hands and let him hold me up in the water.

It took a few moments
of continued choking before I was able to breathe properly again.
As I coughed, Jarik held me and said, “Aenna, I’m sorry. I didn’t
mean to scare you. I called to you, and when you didn’t respond, I
thought you were trying to drown yourself. By the Temple, Aenna, I
thought you were already drowned.” He held me tightly against him,
his warm hands rubbing my back gently to help ease my coughs.