Sorrows of Adoration (33 page)

I waved my hand to
dismiss the notion. “That was a foolish lie. I feared I was to be
thrown into your kitchens as a drudge! But since Ras Risha
explained to me that I have the opportunity to live better than I
quite honestly ever have before, I will admit that it was a
lie.”

“You’re a smart thing,
for a Keshaerlan brat,” he chided, leaning forward in his seat.

“I’m not stupid enough
to waste an opportunity, if that’s what you mean.” I knew I had to
lure him closer. Though the thought revolted me, I forced myself to
remember my child. “Tell me, do the Wusul kiss as well as
Keshaerlans?”

He laughed again.
“Keshaerlan men are as boys, playing with blades without skill. If
they kiss as poorly as they defend themselves, then, pretty thing,
they’re no match to us.”

“Really?” I said with
mock incredulity. “I’ve kissed many Keshaerlan men, and found it to
be delightful every time. How do you think I ended up with this?” I
said, pointing to my belly.

“Keshaerlan dogs have
endowments the size of twigs. You will know true satisfaction at
the whim of the Ran,” he said as he stared at my chest.

Fortunately, I had been
wearing a front-laced gown when I was snatched away from my home.
Swallowing my revulsion, I slowly unlaced the top and pulled the
material aside, leaving only the thin undergarment covering my
breasts. I loosened the drawstring at the neck and pulled the
undergarment down, exposing my breasts fully to him as his eyes
widened in delight.

“And tell me, handsome
man, do Wusul women possess charms such as these?”

He rose from his seat
and walked towards me. “If you think I’ll open the door for you,
you’re wrong.”

“I expect no such
thing. Your Ran would have your head for it. I just want to learn
your ways as soon as I can. I’m very ambitious. If I am to be the
Ran’s concubine, I want to be his favourite.” I leaned forward
against the bars so my breasts hung outside the cell.

Smiling in
arousal, the wretched guard put his hands on me, and I pretended to
enjoy it. I let my head fall back and sighed happily as if he were
giving me great pleasure, when in my heart and mind I was horrified
at my own actions.
For my child,
I
reminded myself.
To save my child’s life.

I slipped my hands
through the bars and danced my fingers up his arms to entice him
further. “If you’re so sure that Keshaerlan men are poor kissers,
why don’t you show me how well I’ll have it in Wusul?”

He leaned close as he
groped my breasts, and I put my face between the bars to let him
kiss me. Instead of paying attention to the quality or lack thereof
in his kiss, I clasped my hands around the back of his neck and
pulled him closer to me. He made a soft moan of pleasure, and I
knew my plan was working. I kissed him as though I desired him
greatly. At the same time, I slowly collected my long braids, first
one, then the other, and wrapped my hair around his shoulders.

I leaned back slightly
in the cell, just enough to entice him forward. Gradually, I
exchanged the braids in my hands behind his neck, bringing the ends
down across his shoulders and letting them hang there as I caressed
his chest. He didn’t even notice as I crossed the ends of the
braids again, forming two loops of my braided hair around his
throat.

In one sudden move I
yanked on my hair, cutting off his breath without notice. He tried
to move back in alarm, but I had the ends of my hair wound between
my fingers for a better grip. I pulled tighter as his hands left my
breasts to beat at the bars in an attempt to push himself away. I
leaned my body back and head forward so he could not easily grab my
chest again, but instead he tried to reach though the bars to grab
at my own throat, a look of furious horror on his face as he
sputtered and gasped.

By then, though, he was
flailing so wildly that he could not manage to get both hands
through the right bars to access my neck. He managed to get one
through by my cheek, which he clawed frantically as his face turned
purple. If he had had any appreciable length of fingernails, I’d
likely be scarred to this day, but fortunately all he managed to do
was bruise me slightly.

I thought of them
taking my child away. I imagined them carrying away the crying
infant to go and destroy it. I became enraged and pulled my hair
tighter, almost losing the grip on one side. I could feel some
hairs break as others dug into my fingers. “No one shall harm my
baby!” I spat through teeth gritted in fury and effort.

Soon his eyes rolled
back into his head and he began to collapse. Still I held on, even
as his limp form sank to the floor. I bent down with him, losing
grip of one of the braids, but keeping the other tight as I
recovered the lost one. I pulled and pulled, not stopping, certain
that if I did he would breathe again and call out for help.

When finally his lips
had turned a hideous blue and his eyes had rolled back down to
stare at me, cold and dead, I released my grip. I put my hands to
my face, still curled from the tight grip, unable to unclench
them.

I looked at him there
on the floor. I could not believe what I had done. I had killed a
man. I had committed the greatest transgression one could against
the Gods, and I was ashamed.

“For you, my child,” I
whispered, putting my trembling, curled hands to my belly. I felt
as though I might be ill, but I forced myself to be calm and hurry
with what needed to be done. Reaching out between the bars, I
pulled the ring of keys from its hook on his belt. Shaking, I tried
them one by one until I found the one that unlocked the cell door.
I pushed it open slowly, lest it creak, and stepped out. I feared
as I stepped over the lifeless guard that he would spring back to
life and grab my foot, but of course he did not.

I crept up the steps
and laced my dress as I went. I knew that there was an exit to the
outside near the top of the stairs, since that’s where I had been
dragged in. A great wooden door stood closed at the top of the
stairs. It had a keyhole, and I peeked through it but saw only
darkness beyond. Schooling my hand to not shake and drop the keys
and make a racket, I tried them again, one by one, until one of
them turned in the lock and I was able to crack open the door.

I saw no one close by,
so I opened the door enough to slip out and then closed it behind
me. I locked it again from the outside and then slipped the ring of
keys underneath very slowly. I didn’t want to carry them with me,
lest they should jingle.

The room in which I
found myself was unlit, and not so much of a room as a walled and
roofed courtyard. An archway led outside to my left. I paused
before going through, afraid a guard might stand on the other side.
But of course, I had no other route to take, and I had not done so
much to cower at that point. I thought of my Kurit, whom by then I
knew must be mad with worry, and poked my face far enough out of
the arch to see if anyone stood there.

No one did.

I breathed a sigh of
relief and thanked the Gods, praying to them to please let me find
my way home. Happy to be escaping, I almost ran forward like a
fool, stopping short only when I heard voices overhead and realized
guards stood on the level above, no doubt armed with typical Wusul
spears.

I peered upwards and
could not see them. They did not appear to be looking straight
down, and really, why would they, since they were likely supposed
to watch for threats coming from the open fields.

I looked at the sky and
remembered Kordos’s lessons on astronomy. The stars that formed a
near circle appeared at this time of year in the northern sky. If I
could not see them, I knew I’d be facing south.

The circle was not
present that I could see. I was unsure whether I was near the
western border with Asune or the eastern with Taeten, but I knew if
I went south, I would soon be in my own land again.

I put myself flush as
best I could on the outer wall and crept eastward quickly along it,
praying that none of the guards above would chance to look straight
below. I moved until I came to a point where stables jutted to the
south. Taking a deep breath, I ran the few steps between the wall
and the stable, moving quickly into an open and dark stall.

I paused there and
peered around the wall. I saw guards standing about on the upper
level, paying not the slightest bit of attention to what went on
below. Still, I was cautious as I crept from stall to stall,
carefully listening for the sound of a stablehand or other person
who might see me and alert the guards.

I came to the edge of
the stables, far enough from the light of the Wusul fortress. I
heard the laughter of the guards echo through the air. I crept
away, my hands under my great belly to support it.

Once I was sure I was
out of sight, I tried to run, but the bouncing of my belly was too
much and I had to stop. So I walked as swiftly as I could, fuelled
by fear and the excitement of escape. In my mind I called to Kurit
to say I was coming home to him.

Through dark meadows I
walked, always looking and listening behind me, sure my escape
would soon be discovered and I would be chased. My heart raced, and
despite the chilly late winter’s air, sweat poured down my
face.

On I went, with
as much determination as I had felt so long ago travelling
from the inn to the outpost. I
reminded myself that I had made that trip and lived, and I
convinced myself I would do the same now.

But being so great with
child, I tired easily and could not go even a fraction of the speed
I had on that long ago night and day. I often found myself having
to stop to lean against a tree. I knew I could not afford to lie
down to sleep, for the Wusul would find me. So I walked,
half-sleeping, trying not to tumble and injure my child.

I was shocked when
daylight began to peek over the horizon. I had been in a stupor as
I walked, unaware so much time had passed. I cast a quick glance
behind me but saw no one approaching. I moved on until I came
across a small grove of trees, several of which had wide bottoms
with low branches. Remembering how Kurit and I had slept beneath
such a tree as we fled to Endren, I sank to my hands and knees and
crawled beneath it. Before I could ponder the wisdom of sleeping
there, I was doing so.

I woke with a start in
mid-afternoon. As soon as I remembered where I was, I forced myself
to lie still and listen to the sounds around me. Hearing no
evidence of men nor horses, I crept out of my hiding place to look
around. There was no one to be seen. I wondered if the Gods were
smiling upon me and had caused my escape to not yet be discovered.
In prayer for my baby, I began to walk again.

If I was ever pursued,
I saw no evidence of it. Perhaps they didn’t know what direction I
had gone. Perhaps they didn’t think me worthy of the effort. Or
perhaps someone had finally believed I was royalty and had wisely
decided to not start a war. I have never learned the answer, and I
couldn’t bring myself to care at the time.

I continued walking as
much as I could, though my feet hurt from swelling and from wearing
shoes less than appropriate for such a trek. My back suffered a
constant ache from the weight of the child I carried, and my only
relief was to clasp my hands under my belly and support myself. But
I was going home to my beloved Kurit, and that inspired me to
continue despite the aches and pains.

It was still early for
spring, so there were few edible plants to be found, but thankfully
the mild winter had not covered the fields in snow. Had they been,
I would have certainly died from the cold and damp. The ground was
mostly dry, hard, and cold, and I was glad of it. But I was starved
for food and worried greatly that the child growing in me would
suffer if I could not find some.

I recalled that Kordos
had once given me a lesson on edible roots. Though I saw no plant
resembling the drawings in his books, I decided it was worth trying
the roots of one of the smaller trees. I found a stick and chopped
at the frozen ground, my fingers burning with the cold, until I
exposed the white flesh of a narrow root. I stabbed it awkwardly
with the stick until it was severed.

I scraped away the dirt
with my numb fingers and nails until I was satisfied it was
sufficiently clean. Then I bit into it. It was awfully bitter and
fell apart in my mouth like revolting mush. But it was not so awful
that I felt ill, so I chewed it for some time. I stabbed the ground
along its length, pulling more of it out to take with me, hoping it
wouldn’t turn out to be poisonous.

On I went, sampling
whatever appeared edible. Most of it tasted bad, but it was better
than nothing. I ate roots from trees, handfuls of dried grass from
the previous fall, and I even tried some odd, hard seed-like things
that hung from some of the needled trees. They were horrible and
burned my tongue, so I spit them out and didn’t try them again.

I remained hungry and
thirsty, though the roots I carried with me contained some
moisture. I wished for enough nourishment to maintain my strength
for walking, which I did half consciously, always making sure to
watch the movement of the sun or the locations of the stars to keep
heading south.

On the fourth day, I
came across a well-beaten road. By its direction I guessed it to be
Northpath, and I was overjoyed to know I must be in Keshaerlan. I
recalled my geography lessons, and knew that I had to be in Taeten,
as the Northpath lies south of mountains in Alesha and runs through
Feleanwood in Asune. I considered taking Northpath, but I knew I
would be heading away from Endren if I did so. Furthermore, I would
be more likely to be accosted by thieves who lay in wait by the
trading routes, especially since the mild weather would prompt
merchants to begin their season any day.