Song of Renewal (20 page)

Still, the unrest refused to budge.

He started toward the door, stopped, and turned to look for a long moment at her, his heart feeling extremely tender.

He said quietly, “I do love you, you know.” Then he was gone.

Liza watched him leave. His long stride and confident bearing rang a dissonant note inside her. She watched the nurse’s face as she passed Garrison on her way in to check Angel’s vitals. Appreciation flashed in the woman’s eyes.

Liza was familiar with other females’ awareness of her husband’s male beauty…his presence. It hadn’t ever bothered her before. She’d always marveled that he’d chosen her to be his life’s partner. Was proud of that fact.

So why now? She couldn’t exactly put her finger on why, but suddenly she was bothered somewhat. She suspected it had to do with her insecurity, her fear of abandonment, and the knowledge that others waited in the wings to take her place.

Somehow, Liza felt she’d hit upon the root of her agitated emotions. Good. Maybe she could put it all to rest now.

After the nurse left, Liza called Charlcy to see if she would come stay with Angel while Liza made the nursing home trek. Charlcy readily agreed. Liza settled down with her book again. She became engrossed and time passed swiftly. The next time she looked at the big wall clock, it was two thirty. A strange sound caught her ear. It came from Angel, and she rushed to her bedside. She realized that Angel’s breathing was turning into a rattle. Her lips were bluish.

“Oh God!” She clamored to push the bedside button. “Nurse, please come! Something’s wrong!”

With shaking fingers, she punched in Garrison’s cell phone number. No answer.

Frantic, Liza hung up. Of all times for Garrison to be gone.

John, the respiratory specialist on duty, rushed into the room and began to attach a pump to drain excess fluid from Angel’s breathing passage. “Is she going to be all right?” Liza moaned.

John flashed an encouraging smile. “A few more minutes, she’ll be fine. You just relax. Go get yourself a cup of coffee while I finish this procedure.”

Instead, Liza retreated to a quiet, more private waiting room down the corridor, one in which doctors held court with caretakers. Once swallowed by an easy chair there, she lowered her head, squeezed her eyes shut, and willed her shaking body to stillness. It was at moments like this that the gravity of Angel’s condition became a three-dimensional, glaring reality… hat she realized just how closely death hovered.

Angel saw the light, a fine point that pierced the darkness, a glimmer, really. She swirled toward it, as one in a wind tunnel. After traveling a long way, it grew nearer and brighter… bigger. It glowed like the sun and, at a distance, she saw Troy standing at the tunnel’s end. He smiled, but then the smile faded. She called to him. At least she thought she did. He didn’t respond, merely looked at her as though in disapproval. Bewildered, she struggled to move on toward him. But her legs wouldn’t work, darn it! She tried to twist, turn, and somehow gain momentum to reach him. But she was suddenly tethered tightly to stillness. Then the water came up, up, cold and chilling, sucking her under. Cold! Freezing. Immersed…sinking, sinking…sinking… light getting dimmer.

Stopped sinking…smooth level surface…floating….

Voices…Mama, “Is she going to be all right?”

Man, “You just relax…go get…coffee….

Pain…throat…pain!

Blackness.

Liza drove from the nursing home. With Garrison gone, Charlcy had relieved her in the late afternoon to allow her to visit her father. Today, her dad had been somewhere else entirely, not recognizing her at all. She supposed she would eventually grow accustomed to it.

Like with Angel?
The thought, from left field, stunned her.

Angel would come back. Wouldn’t she? The enormity of what-ifs overwhelmed her in that moment, made her think she might need to dip into those tranquilizers again. She instantly vetoed that.

Back at the hospital, Charlcy sat at the bedside, talking quiet nonsense to Angel. “Yeah, that sucker just wouldn’t stop his jawing about – ” She spotted Liza. “Hi. Sis. How was Pops?”

“Out to lunch. Actually, on vacation.” She plopped tiredly into the other chair, kicked off her shoes and flexed her feet in the welcome cool air. “I talked with the doctor. They’re going to change his medicine – you know, the cholinesterase inhibitors. They rev up the levels of acetylcholine in his brain. They play a key role in memory and learning. Dr. Bright says he’s pretty optimistic about their effectiveness.”

“That’s great, sis. I’d like to see him be himself again.”

“Me too.” Liza yawned hugely, closing her weary eyes.

“Hmm. You okay? You seem more tired than usual.”

Liza looked at her. “Angel had a breathing problem earlier today. Started rattling and – ”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Charlcy demanded, visibly shaken by the news.

“I was still too upset to talk about it. I’m sorry, I just get to the point where I’m on…overload. You know, like tilt?”

“I’ll bet you were scared to death.” Charlcy’s astute blue gaze skewered Liza, concern vibrating in her voice. “Was Garrison still here when it happened?”

“No, he’d already left to go back to the office and then I couldn’t reach him. No answer when I called his phone. I have no idea where he was.”

“I saw him as I drove into town this afternoon, around three-thirty or so. He was coming out of the Ritz Hotel.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Charlcy said, “There was a redhead walking out with him. They were talking. Anyway, I thought they were together.” She shrugged indifferently. “They might not have been. But I’m pretty sure it was Garrison.” She huffed. “That was Raymond, I’d say they were together, but Garrison? Nah.”

Then she frowned. “He’d want to know about Angel’s breathing problem, y’know?”

“Right. That would have been Gwen, his assistant, with him. A business meeting there, no doubt.” Probably was. She just didn’t like the little pit-gut feeling she got when she knew they were together. Rotten jealousy. But not the normal kind. Liza knew the relationship was platonic. It was just that Garrison spent more time with Gwen than he did with her.

Charlcy looked at Liza and, despite her attempt at
savoir faire
, her eyes revealed a touch of anguish. “Wish I’d been so lucky in my husband choice. Garrison’s nothing like that nogood ex of mine, who’s not seen his daughter in months. Breaks Lindi’s heart because not only does he ignore her, but he ignores Tootie, too. Once, he doted on his granddaughter.” She huffed and shook her head. “Not anymore. Garrison’s a real hands-on daddy. A true blessing, you know?”

“I know, he should be here later.” Liza said, shaking her head, then changed the subject. “By the way, how are Lindi and Chuck getting along since their move back to South Carolina?”

“Great. Chuck’s business is picking up after a slow start and Tootie loves her pre-school. Lindi’s job there as a teacher’s aide is going well and at the same time, she’s close to Tootie.”

“That’s great, sis.” She was glad she’d rerouted Charlcy from her marital discord issues. Again, she felt that urge to dump all her own woes on Charlcy’s strong shoulders.

Liza’s instincts were suddenly totally at odds with each other. On the one hand, she wanted to throw herself into Charlcy’s arms, squall like a newborn, and spill the whole load. At the same time, every sixth sense screamed against Charlcy’s knowing that Garrison held Liza accountable for Angel’s and Troy’s tragedy.

Once Charlcy knew, there was no chance for her to unknow. No way could Liza freely bust up that mutual admiration thing between her sister and husband. A thing that went all the way back and had always, in some mystical way, assuaged
some of the guilt Liza had carried, having witnessed her sister’s younger years’ emotional starvation.

In Garrison, Charlcy had the nearest thing to a doting brother she would ever know, with whom she shared total respect, spontaneity, trust, and unfeigned affection. One into whose capable, nurturing hands, she could finally, in good conscience, place her little sister.

Liza’s pulse pounded in her ears, as if a cannon had discharged nearby.
I will not take that tranquilizer that calls out my name
. Liza excused herself, went to the bathroom and splashed her face with cold water, blotted it dry, and took long, soothing breaths. Slowly, her staccato pulse slowed to a peaceful rhythm. Then beneath the running warm water faucet, her icy fingers thawed.

It was settled. Number one, Charlcy thought Garrison could hang the stars and moon. Number two, if that faith were destroyed by Liza’s divulgence of Garrison’s unforgiveness, Charlcy’s dissonant-medley of genes might not render mercy to a Garrison who emotionally abandoned her little sister.

After all, Charlcy had never truly forgiven their mother for being bipolar, something her mom could not help. Could not, in fact, forgive Raymond, the father of her child.

Never mind the differences in grievances. Forgiveness is forgiveness. And she’d rather not test the waters between Charlcy and Garrison just now.

No. She definitely could not juggle more guilt.

She thought about Garrison. What a contradiction he was. The man who had loved her so completely was later willing to leave her at her lowest point in life. Could he be two people? How could he, who at one time felt so passionately about her, now refuse to release her from a cruel, unmerciful judgment?

No. She would go this alone, whatever the outcome.

Liza would simply believe for the best.

Liza watched Charlcy leave an hour later, reflecting on how her sister had chosen teaching as her calling.

Her big sister had dressed Liza for recitals and applauded her budding talents. At the same time, by weather-woman reading of their mother’s bipolar flip-flops and rear-guarding Liza, Charlcy had perfected the art of sailing perilous waters.