Somewhere to Hide (The Estate, Book 1) (29 page)

Finally, she headed home. Just before five thirty, she parked in the driveway and switched off the engine. How the hell she was going to get through the rest of the evening she didn’t know.

‘Cathy! Where have you been?’ Liz cried as she came through the front door. Jess and Becky followed quickly behind her. ‘The girls rang me when you weren’t answering your phone so I came around. We’ve all been trying. Have you switched it off?’

‘You look like shit,’ said Jess. Liz nudged her sharply.

To their amazement, Cathy walked past them into the living room. All three trouped behind her and watched as she poured a large drink of whatever was first to hand and knocked it back in one go.

‘We’ve been really worried about you,’ said Becky.

‘I’ve only been gone for a few hours.’ Cathy looked at them, each in turn. ‘Surely you can survive without me for that long? I’m not responsible for everyone. I can’t be responsible for – responsible for –’

She began to fill the glass again but her hands started to shake uncontrollably. Liz took the bottle from her.

‘Cathy, what’s going on?’ she asked gently.

Cathy looked up. ‘I… I…’ It was no use: if she started to speak she would cry. She picked up her bag and left the room.

‘Cathy!’ Liz called after her.

Upstairs, Cathy closed the door quickly so they couldn’t see the tears streaming down her face. It was all she could do to stop herself turning back to them. She couldn’t tell them. She felt so ashamed. But she needed to talk to someone.

In the safety of her bedroom, she switched her mobile phone on and dialled a number. A welcome voice rang out.

‘Hello, Josie Mellor speaking.’

Josie was there almost immediately. 

Cathy sunk into her embrace. She knew she’d never find the right words to explain what had happened. And how could she tell anyone? She was going to show herself for what she was: a fraud, a fake, a useless human being.

But she
had
to tell someone. The secret was eating her up, churning her insides. She took a deep breath before she began.

‘I went to see a solicitor today. He’s been trying to track someone down for me and...’ Cathy looked at Josie as she said the words she’d never spoken to anyone before. ‘I lied when I said I couldn’t have children. I had a son, fathered by another man.’

‘What?’

‘I – I was so lonely when Rich was in prison. And so young and bloody naïve. Three years was such a long stretch. When one of his friends started to call around more than was necessary, I began to look forward to his visits. One day he kissed me and… and I kissed him back. One thing led to another…’ Cathy clung to Josie as she continued to speak. ‘Two months later, I found out I was pregnant.’

‘So you had the baby?’ Josie sounded puzzled. ‘I had no idea.’

‘Neither did he. I didn’t tell anyone.’

‘But how did you –?’

‘How could I tell him? It was my fault that I got into such a mess. If Rich had found out, I would have lost him.’

‘No, surely not.’

‘Of course I would! Rich was a right Jack-the-lad then. It was only prison that changed him for the better as he swore he’d never go back once he got out. Imagine how he would have felt if I’d turned up on his release. “Oh hi, darling. This is Simon. He was born while you were inside. No, Rich I wasn’t unfaithful, not once.”’

‘Your son was called Simon?’ Josie said without thinking.

‘Yes.’ Cathy began to cry again. ‘And I let him down. I let him down so badly.’

‘So you had him adopted?’

Cathy nodded. ‘I always thought that one day I might meet up with him. But I’ve just found out that he… he doesn’t want anything to do with me, ever. Now I won’t be able to t – t – tell him how much I – I loved him. How I made the biggest mistake of my life: how I should never have given him up.’

Josie grabbed a handful of tissues from the cube by the side of the bed and passed them to Cathy.

‘How come Rich never found out?’ she said, wiping at her eyes too. ‘You can hardly explain a bump like that away.’

‘I kept it hidden for a long time with baggy clothes. Then when it came to the time that I couldn’t hide it any longer, I stopped seeing him. I told him that I was ill, kept in touch by phone and letter. I still don’t know to this day how I got away with it. I guess he must have trusted me. I rang a friend I’d made when I was in care. She was the only person that knew about Simon; the only person I knew I could trust to help me out and keep quiet. I knew she wouldn’t judge me either. Tina let me stay for two months, until I’d had him. Then I came back home and started to see Rich again.’

‘I can’t believe he didn’t find out, given how quickly rumours fly around this estate.’

‘He wasn’t suspicious about it, I suppose, because no one he knew saw me around so he
could
think I was holed up somewhere with a dreadful bug. And Terry Lewis – that’s the father’s name – kept his mouth shut.’

‘He would, the low life.’ Josie knew of Terry and his family. ‘He’d be scared of what Rich would have done to him.’

Cathy sniffed before blowing her nose loudly. ‘I couldn’t risk losing Rich if he found out the truth.’

‘Oh,
Cathy.
Is that why you didn’t have any more children?’

‘No! I knew I could get pregnant so I assumed there must have been something wrong with him. It might have been me: some sort of complication at the birth, though I can’t recall anything going wrong. That’s why I didn’t push the fact that he didn’t want to go for tests. If he had ever found out –’

‘And you’ve kept this to yourself for all those years? That’s so brave.’

‘It’s not brave at all.’ Cathy shook her head. ‘I was a coward, afraid to face up to my responsibilities.’

‘No, that’s not how it was,’ Josie disagreed. ‘You were young and frightened. You did what you thought was best at the time.’

‘No. I did what was best for me.’

‘And what about now? You must feel better that you’ve told someone about it?’

‘No, I feel like I’ve been robbed of the chance to say I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘In the back of my mind, I’ve lived for the day that I can see his face again. I prayed that his new family would love him but he became too much of a handful and they gave him away. How must he feel now? That must seem like a double whammy – the boy that nobody wanted.

‘Every year on his birthday, I light a candle for the baby that I lost. Somehow I always believed I’d meet him when the time was right. It was selfish of me really. All I want to do is to say sorry to him, so that my conscience is clear. But it never will be. He hates me, Josie. He’ll never forgive me.’

She started to cry again. This time it took her a long time to stop.

Cathy didn’t sleep much that night. She’d switched off her mobile phone when a few texts arrived and she hadn’t left her room since. Becky had brought coffee and toast up twice but she’d left them all untouched. Even now as a new day was breaking, she was still going over and over the events that led to the ache in her heart.

She was so grateful that she had Josie to talk things through with. As usual, she’d been right there for her. Cathy knew she was lucky. Even with Rose gone, Josie was someone she could call a friend, no matter what her job involved. She was the salt of the earth. She would tell her whether she was right or wrong, even if it wasn’t what Cathy wanted to hear.

It had felt so good to share her secret after all those years. Time after time Josie had said she shouldn’t blame herself for what had happened to Simon. Cathy told her how she’d often prayed that he would turn up, out of the blue, having tracked her down. There was no doubt that Rich would have been shocked at first but she’d always hoped that he would have accepted the situation, once he’d had time to digest the facts.

She began to cry again. Oh, why hadn’t she told Rich the truth? She’d betrayed both of them, her son and her husband. But Rich had been betrayed the most. She’d been deceitful to him every day, until the day he’d been so cruelly taken from her.

She punched the pillow. Then again, and again.

Why, why, WHY?

Why had she lied to the man that had meant everything to her?

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Jess popped her head round the kitchen door to find Becky sitting at the table busy clicking buttons on her phone. ‘Do you fancy coming out tonight?’

‘I can’t.’ Becky didn’t lift her head up. ‘I’m seeing Austin.’

‘But I haven’t seen you for ages!’

‘I wasn’t supposed to be going out with him tonight. He said he was busy but he’s texted me, so I am now.’

Jess sighed dramatically, sitting down next to her. ‘Can’t you cry off and come out with me?’ she begged.

Becky relented. Hadn’t she said that she would spend more time with Jess? But the thought of seeing Austin again made her insides go all peculiar.

‘I hate being on my own,’ Jess continued, watching Becky’s finger hover over the send button. She grabbed her free hand. ‘Please! Knock him on the head and come out with me instead.’

‘Okay, okay!’ Becky pressed the delete button and began to write another text.

‘Yay!’ Jess punched the air. ‘I’ve missed having you around.’

‘I’ll have to tell him that I’m sick or something. I don’t want to get him mad.’

‘You can’t say that.’ Jess shook her head quickly. ‘If you do, we won’t be able to go to the
Butcher’s Arms
in case he’s there. And you don’t want to make him mad. He might give you a backhander.’

‘He’d never do that to me. He’s not a scrote like Danny Bradley. He knows how to treat a lady properly.’

Jess sighed. ‘I hope we can get into the Butcher’s. I heard it was raided last week because of us under-agers. We might have to stick to lemonade or have a drink before we go.’

‘Whatever.’ Becky started to write another text message.

‘What are you going to tell him?’

‘The truth – well, almost. I’ll say I’d already arranged to go out with you.’

‘That won’t work. He’ll be pissed off that you’ve dropped him for me then.’

‘Austin doesn’t own me.’

‘We’ll see,’ said Jess. ‘Guys on the Mitchell Estate always think they own their
ladies
.’

‘He isn’t from the Mitchell Estate, remember?’

‘Where does he come from? Has he told you yet?’

Becky pressed the send button and snapped her phone shut. ‘No. All I get out of him if I ask is somewhere further up north.’

‘Don’t you find it strange that he doesn’t tell you?’

‘Not really. We don’t get much chance for talking nowadays.’ Becky grinned, remembering what they’d recently been getting up to.

‘Okay, okay. No need to get me all jealous and nasty. I haven’t had a decent shag in weeks.’

Both of them shot to their feet as they heard the front door open. Jess reached for a tea towel as Becky turned on the hot water tap and quickly squirted washing liquid on top of the pile of dishes left to soak.

Cathy came through with two bags of shopping. ‘That’s what I like to see, girls.’ She put them down on the table and smiled knowingly. ‘And once those dishes are done, perhaps you wouldn’t mind making me a cuppa before you finish off. I’m parched.’ She pulled out a pack of vanilla slices. ‘I have cakes too.’

 ‘Have you been to the community house?’ asked Becky.

‘Yes. I’ve been with the rabble.’

‘I bet they’ve missed you since you’ve been ill?’

After her devastating news, Cathy hadn’t told anyone but Josie about tracking down and finding out that Simon didn’t want to meet her. They’d spoken over the phone since but it had been nearly a week before she’d felt like getting back to her routine again. So she’d faked a sickness virus and stayed at home. She hadn’t even told Matt yet; she wasn’t sure if she ever would.

Before she’d left the community house, she’d collected a few leaflets for Jess. She handed them to her once they’d finished the dishes.

‘What’s this?’

‘New college courses, starting this September. Thought you might like to know what days –’

‘Have you seen the time?’ Jess shoved the leaflet in her pocket. ‘Must dash. Off to see a man about a dog.’

And with that she was gone. Becky wasn’t too far behind.

Cathy smiled. She wasn’t sure if she was more annoyed that Jess wouldn’t take her advice or grateful for a bit of peace and quiet to enjoy her drink now they’d gone. And her cake.

Later that evening, Cathy was having a girl’s night in over at Liz’s. Liz had made a huge bowl of chilli con carne for them to eat. Once Chloe had gone to bed, Cathy had opened the bottle of wine she’d brought with her.

‘I’m glad to see that you’re feeling a little more settled,’ she said as she passed Liz a glass. ‘I do hope Kevin has finally given up now.’

‘I hope so, although I’ll always have my doubts, I suppose.’