Somewhere to Hide (The Estate, Book 1) (28 page)

What was wrong with her? The first man she’d shown any affection to and she was reacting like this. She should be remembering Matt’s touch, Matt’s tender kisses. Surely after three years she had nothing to feel guilty about? But she couldn’t help feeling at fault – which left her with one burning question.

Was she really ready to go out with Matt?

Finally, she could bear it no longer. Even though it was only five thirty, she got up. It didn’t make sense to try and force sleep. Besides, she had to keep her wits about her this morning. Today might turn out to be a very big day once she’d been to see her new solicitor. After finally plucking up the courage to search for Simon, she’d made an appointment and given details over a few phone calls. She was going in to the office to meet him and provide him with a bit more information. 

Going downstairs, she noticed there was another note waiting on the doormat. Annoyed, she ripped it open.

‘STINKING WHORE’

Cathy sighed. How dare Kevin write that about Liz, especially after Andy Baxter had warned him of the consequences if he sent any more messages.

Although she could be grateful for one thing, she supposed. Obviously Kevin didn’t know that Liz wasn’t living there anymore. She hoped he’d moved on when Liz had seen him out with that young girl in town but it looked like he was back on the scene. She would have to brace herself for another torrent of abuse. Kevin wouldn’t give up until he knew where Liz had gone. She could keep him off the scent for a few days, a week at the most, but he’d want to see Liz. Come what may, there was no way Cathy would ever tell him where she had moved to. But Kevin would then probably go back to following her. It wasn’t hard to catch her out. He only had to look out for her on the school run. All the same, maybe she should warn Liz that her ex would be on the prowl now. Stupid, selfish bastard!

She tucked the note away in the diary with the others. Why couldn’t Kevin accept that Liz didn’t want that kind of life anymore and leave her and Chloe alone? What was it with some men these days, she wondered? Why did they think they had the right to interfere in a woman’s life and leave her with nothing but turmoil? She sat down at the table with a thud and rested her head in her hands.

Actually that was a bit harsh on Matt’s part, she realised. All he was responsible for was making her feel guilty because she’d had such a good time. Why couldn’t she shake the feeling? Did she lead him on last night and now regret it? She truly hoped not. He was far too nice for that.

Cathy sighed again. In the space of a few short hours, her life had turned upside down. Bloody Josie Mellor! Wait until she got hold of her.

‘It’s your fault,’ Cathy told her later that same morning when she collared her in her office. ‘You started this whole sorry fiasco.’

‘
You
needed a helping hand,’ said Josie. ‘You shouldn’t have to be alone at your age. I know Rich wouldn’t have wanted that.’

‘Talk to the dead, can you?’

‘Oh, Cath, I’m sorry. I didn’t think that you’d –’

‘No, that’s right, you didn’t think!’

Josie raised her hands in surrender. ‘You’re right. I was a nerd head. I just thought that you and Matt were a good fit. He’s single, a nice guy and so bloody attractive. You’re single, a nice woman and well… I knew he would find you attractive. You deserve some fun, some loving in your life. What are you so afraid of?’

‘Afraid of?’ Cathy looked on in wonder.

‘Starting again, in case it doesn’t work out? In case it doesn’t measure up to you and Rich?’

‘Our marriage wasn’t that perfect, as well you’ll remember.’

‘You see?’ Josie smiled encouragingly as she picked up a bundle of files. ‘So don’t make out that it was all sweetness and light and that you will never find another Rich. No one is expecting you to do that. I want you to find a Matt.’

Despite herself, Cathy smiled. She knew that Josie was right – she had been over-analysing her marriage. But she was wrong about one thing.

‘I’m not afraid,’ she told her. ‘I just feel guilty after… after…’

‘Cathy Mason, surely you didn’t give out on your first date?’

‘No. I meant I haven’t been kissed by anyone else for years. That’s the reason behind all this crap I’ve been tormenting myself with.’

‘Then it’s about time you caught up and moved on.’

Cathy spotted the clock. ‘Christ, will you look at the time. I’m going to be late!’

‘Yes, where are you off to, dressed up all posh?’ Josie asked as she rushed to the door.

‘I’m going into town.’ Cathy was non-committal. ‘Nowhere in particular.’

Rushing through the pedestrian-only shopping area an hour later, Cathy got to her appointment with ten minutes to spare. She sat down in the roomy reception area and reached for a magazine. Steele, Barrett and Co had been the first solicitors she’d come across in the local phone directory. Now that she was here, she recalled looking inside it many times on her trips into town.

She casually thumbed a gardening magazine as she recalled what Josie had said about Matt. She knew she’d put Rich on a pedestal and left him there too long. Would he really have wanted her to be alone forever? Not likely. And Matt was a nice guy to mess around with. It didn’t have to be anything serious.

A door opened to her right and a man she was sure wasn’t old enough to have passed any exams, came towards her. If first impressions really did count, he had to score top marks. All smart pin-striped suit and shiny black shoes, his hair, although cut in a choppy style, looked like he’d spent hours getting it just right. He strode towards her, his large hand outstretched.

‘Mrs Mason?’ He shook hers firmly. ‘I’m David Barrett. Come on through. Zoe, could we have drinks, please?’

The office she was ushered into was vast, modern and tidy. Even its minimalist décor seemed inviting. Cathy sat down, realising that if the business was as good as the overall appearance of everything she’d seen so far, this was going to cost her a fortune.

‘Mrs Mason, I won’t beat about the bush. I did some digging around after you called to arrange this meeting,’ Mr Barrett started once he’d settled into his seat. ‘I know the details you gave me were scarce but no one can change their date of birth, now can they? Unless they don’t want to be found, that is.’

Mr Barrett laughed a little. Cathy smiled faintly to play along with him but she didn’t find it funny. What planet was he on? People changed their identity with plastic surgery these days, so changing a date of birth to get lost in the system would be a doddle.

She looked up as Mr Barrett had paused. He had the most captivating of eyes, but Cathy could see apprehension in them. She held her breath, studying his face, desperately looking for some sort of clue.

‘What is it?’ she prompted.

‘Mrs Mason, I’ve managed to track down your son.’

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

‘But how?’ Cathy’s hand clutched her chest. ‘I only gave you a few details. Where is he? Does he want to see me? Oh, don’t be so pathetic, Cathy. Of course he doesn’t want to see you. Not after all these years.’

Mr Barrett held up his hand for her to stop but she continued as if not seeing it.

‘And abandoning him like that as a –’ She sat forward. ‘He does want to see me, doesn’t he?’

‘Mrs Mason.’ Mr Barrett spoke straight yet with a soothing manner. ‘I’m sorry but, no, he doesn’t want to see you.’

‘What?’ Cathy faltered, trying hard to keep her composure as the man sitting before her shattered her dreams.

‘I tracked down his adoptive parents. He was with them until he was ten. They told him about you then. They thought it best to be honest with him from an early age but it backfired. He started to become disruptive, uncontrollable. Eventually they had no choice but to put him back into care. He spent the rest of his years in a council run home and that is all they can tell me. He rings them quite often – usually once a week – but he does have a tendency to go off radar for long periods too. During his last call, they told him you were trying to contact him but he said that he didn’t want to see you. I could keep on digging, if you’d rather hear it from him?’

Cathy felt like she’d lost the ability to speak.

‘People change, Mrs Mason,’ Mr Barrett added, noting her distress. ‘He was only sixteen when they last saw him. Would you like me to continue with my enquiries?’

Without remembering how, Cathy got into her car and began to drive. The sky was an inviting clear blue but her mood was sombre. Passing the city’s central park, she decided to pull over and take a walk.

With every step she took, she didn’t notice anyone who passed her by. The flowers were out in bloom, the perfectly mowed lawns and the preened hedges were wasted on her. All she could see was her baby being taken away, Mr Barrett’s words running continuously through her mind.

She carried on until she found herself by the side of the lake. Spying a bench that was as empty as she felt inside, she sat down. Before long, tears poured down her face. For years, she had dreamt of this moment and, now it was here, it had all turned out wrong. Why wouldn’t Simon see her, let her explain the situation? Let her explain that she thought she’d done the best for him.

It hadn’t even crossed her mind during last night’s thoughts of Rich and Matt. She’d thought the meeting today would be a matter of formality, sorting out further details or finalising others so that Mr Barrett could then begin his search. Cathy didn’t think for one minute that he would have acted so quickly.

For three hours, she watched the world go by while inside she was breaking. Her mind replayed every single detail of the time when she had given Simon up for adoption. Even now she could clearly recall the tiny curls of hair stuck to his face as he took his first few breaths and found out that he could scream. She could still see his tiny squashed nose, his long, yet perfect fingers which wound round her thumb so tightly. Like that one treasured photograph, she only had a memory. She couldn’t remember anything else because he had been taken away.

But all too well, Cathy remembered that feeling of inadequacy and longing. How she cried as the nurses looked on. She’d wanted to scream at them, make them understand that she wasn’t in a good place, that she couldn’t look after him. That she was scared, alone, vulnerable.

Now it was like losing him again. After all this time, all the years she had yearned to see her son’s face, longed for forgiveness, he didn’t want to know, and she couldn’t blame him.

For a while, she found herself hating Rich. If he hadn’t been sent to prison, this would never have happened. And she should have been able to talk to him, air her concerns. Things might have been so different then. Why hadn’t she trusted him? If he loved her as much as he said he did, then surely he would have understood her dilemma?

But she knew she couldn’t blame Rich for any of it. It was all her fault. She’d chosen not to tell him because she didn’t want him to leave her. She couldn’t risk losing him so instead she’d stayed quiet. She was the stupid one.

Cathy jumped back to reality as a man too old to be riding a bicycle rode past, narrowly missing her feet as he wobbled about perilously. It was the first week of the school summer break and the park was busy. Children ran around the outside of the lake. Mothers fed the ducks with their toddlers. A group of boys with nets and buckets were shouting so loud they would frighten off anything they might catch. A man was walking towards them, no doubt to tell them to be quiet. She began to cry again. How could life go on all around her?

She must have gone off in a daze again because the next thing she saw was a stout man wearing green overalls standing in front of her. He had kind eyes and a warm smile.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked gently. ‘You’ve been sitting there for hours.’

‘I’m admiring the beautiful view,’ Cathy said, knowing that he’d see right through it.

‘Troubles are better when they’re shared. Haven’t you got anyone to talk to?’

‘Sometimes the words won’t come out, no matter how many people are waiting to listen.’

The man sat down beside her, not close enough to cause offence. ‘Whatever you have done, or indeed what someone else has done, can always be rectified.’

Cathy sniffed. ‘If only it was that simple. I’ve ruined someone’s life.’

‘I doubt that. We humans do a pretty good job of that ourselves.’

They sat in silence for a minute or two before he put his hands on his knees and pushed himself up straight.

‘I was about to have a coffee before I leave for the day.’ The man smiled warmly. ‘There’s a spare one going, if you’d like it?’

Cathy burst into tears. His kindness was more than she deserved. She wiped at her eyes quickly.

‘Thank you but I need to go home. I need to hate myself for a while longer yet though.’

‘Don’t make it too long, then, hmm?’

He tipped his cap, a gentlemanly gesture that Cathy admired in him immediately. Manners didn’t cost anything and they were hardly ever reciprocated nowadays. God bless the older generation. As she watched him walk away, her thoughts suddenly turned to Rose and she burst into tears again. How she wished Rose was here to help her through this mess.