Sometimes Moments (35 page)

I am helpless.

I am hopeless.

I am a failure.

I have nothing,

I am fading.

I am dying.

P
eyton shivered at the cold air that touched her skin. She hugged the blanket tighter and reached out for Callum’s warm body. When she felt the cool mattress, Peyton sat up and rubbed her eyes, searching the room for him. She noticed the door open and his muffled voice trailing in from the lounge. Pulling the blanket aside, she swung her legs over the bed and stood up. Then she made her way out of her room and walked down the hall, but she stopped when she heard him speak.

“What do I do now, Oliver? How do I do this to her?”

The worried tone in Callum’s voice had Peyton pressing her hand on the wall to keep herself on her feet.

“I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to leave her. It was hard the first time, but now… How do I do it now?”

Breathing failed her as her heart burned within her chest. He was discussing their ending. Hearing that he didn’t want to say goodbye broke her heart. She found the concept as difficult as he did.

“I love her, Oliver. I can’t do it to her. I can’t tell her the truth—not after tonight. I can’t do it,” Callum cried.

Peyton closed her eyes and let the tears roll down her face, hitting the nightdress she was wearing. She counted each slow beat of her heart. Time was catching up to them. Time would separate them. Time would end them.

But the truth was that Peyton didn’t want to hear the truth. Not when it meant that the ending had reached them. She didn’t want it. For, as long as she could prolong the truth, she’d still have him. So she’d stopped asking for the truth. She hadn’t asked why.

“I shouldn’t have come back. I should have just let her be here and hate me. Right now, I hate me. I want her to hate me. It would be easier. Her life would be easier. She’s lost everything because of me. I should have stayed in the city. I should have never suggested Daylesford for your wedding. I should have just let her live her life.”

Peyton pushed off the wall and walked into the lounge. The moment her eyes landed on him, she saw Callum holding the phone in one hand and the other covered his face.

“Stop saying I should hate you, because I don’t. Not in the slightest,” she said.

Callum moved his hand from his face and looked up at her. The defeated expression on his face made her heart ache. Dropping to her knees in front of him, her hands rest on his thigh. Then he leant forward, allowing his forehead to touch hers.

“I need you to hate me, Peyton,” he begged.

She shook her head, their foreheads not breaking contact. “I can’t give you that.”

He squeezed his eyelids tight and said, “I know, Oliver. This is why I have to leave. I—”

Reaching up, Peyton took the phone out of his hand and held it to her ear. “Oliver, Callum will call you back in the morning. We need to talk about the fire and your wedding,” she said.

“Wait, Peyton.” Oliver stopped her from hanging up. “Why can’t you hate him?”

Callum sat straight and pulled away from her, as if he knew what Oliver had asked. He seemed afraid of what she would say next as a forgiving plea swept his face.

Peyton stared in his lost and conflicted eyes before she answered, “Because I want to feel loved by Callum Reid, even if it’s only for a little while. I want his love more than I want to live another day. I want to be with him for as long as I can, because for the last four and half years, I’ve been deprived of his love and his touch. I can’t hate him because he’s the love of my life.”

Oliver sighed. “He’s never stopped loving you, even when he moved to the city. You were the girl whose picture was by his bedside table. Whatever happens, just know he loves you and has always put you first.”

Peyton hung up the phone and placed it on the couch. Then she peered up through her lashes to see Callum staring down at her. He looked tormented, like he was in his own version of hell. When Peyton stood up, she held out her hand to him. Callum rubbed his palms over his face then let out a groan.

She stepped forward, rested her hands on the back of his head, and brought him to her stomach. She hoped that this one embrace could show him that she’d be okay. That she would rather see him free than stay here in Daylesford. His arms were around the back of her legs, holding her tight.

“I shouldn’t have left you, Peyton,” Callum said and gazed up at her. “I’m so sorry. If I could go back, I would. I’d change it all. I wouldn’t have left you here on your own.”

Peyton moved her hands from the back of his head to his cheeks. “Don’t do that to yourself, Callum.”

“God, why can’t you hate me?” he exclaimed, frustrated.

“Because I’ve spent years trying to. I’m tired of holding you accountable, when the reality is that I didn’t fight for you to stay. I didn’t do enough to convince you that what we had was worth you staying,” she said, brushing his skin with her thumbs.

“You were worth staying for. You will always be worth staying for. I was just a coward. I couldn’t let you be held back by me. I had your happiness in mind when I left,” he explained, untangling his arms and standing up.

Callum cradled her face in his hands before he brought his mouth as close to hers without touching. Placing her hands on his waist as she held him to her.

“Leaving you, Peyton... I was like the after events of a revolution. I was liberated, but I was lost. I had no direction in my life. But when I came back, my sad and lonely life made sense. Life is better with you in it, Peyton. It always has been,” he revealed before his lips lightly touched hers.

“Thank you for letting me have sometimes instead of never,” she said softly.

His lips brushed hers again, this time harder, more desperate. Open kisses that slowly tore away the loneliness of her heart and replaced it with need and desire. Her fingers dug into the side of him as his tongue found hers, moving and sucking, and she found it impossible to breathe.

Callum’s lips moved back and he pressed his forehead to hers, panting. “Peyton, you’re trying to mask the pain of losing the hotel with sex.”

She shook her head. “I’m not in as much pain as you think I am, Callum.”

“Pey—”

“No,” she interrupted. “I know what it’s like to lose it all. It hurt to see it burn down, but it is nothing compared to the feeling of losing my parents. And it comes nowhere close to losing you. That broke the person I was.”

“I don’t think it’s hit you yet. And I’m okay with you blaming me, Peyton.”

Her heart squeezed. She couldn’t and wouldn’t blame Callum for the fire. He had been in her bed when it’d happened. If she were going to blame anyone, it would be Jay. He had stood back. He’d influenced the firefighters. He’d let it burn to ash.

“I don’t want sex from you, Callum.”

His breathing hitched. And she pushed her body into his.

“I want you to make
love
to me. I need you to make me feel better. I need this sometimes moment with you.”

“Couch?” he asked before his lips crashed into hers, making her both her stomach and heart dip.

She answered each of his kisses with her own desperate ones, the need in her growing. She needed the pleasure he drew out of her. She needed the explosions and the momentary period of forgetfulness. She needed him and his heartbeat on her skin.

His lips moved from hers and trailed slowly from her jaw to her neck. She let out a soft moan, unable to suppress it.

“Bed,” she let out. Her heart beat hard against her chest as she cupped his face, making sure his eyes were on hers when she said, “Make love to me in my bed. No teasing or games. Just make love to me.”

“I love you so much,” he said with a hint of hesitation.

Then his hands were at her waist as he picked her up, her legs wrapping around him. His hands went to the back of her thighs, holding her securely. She panted at the intensity in his eyes.

“God gave me you and I gave you up. He gave me a small window to make this time count. I’m going to make sure that I don’t waste my time with you. Until we can’t take it anymore, I’ll keep making love to you,” he promised.

She warmed all over as her heart throbbed at his words. She blinked once before her mouth founds his, needing to feel him on her and in her. Needing every little bit of him.

Lie. God gave me you to love you twice as hard as last time, if not more.

“A
re you sure you’re okay?” Callum asked just before they walked down the small hill to the lake.

Peyton stopped, her hand shaking. Callum was right. Last night, it hadn’t sunk in. The hotel had caught fire. She didn’t know if anything remained. The firefighters on the scene had done nothing until Callum and Graham had stepped in. It was then that Peyton had understood how much power Jay held in their town—the same power that could have minimised the extent of the damage.

“You look tired,” she pointed out. The exhausted look on his face confirmed it.

Callum shook his head and took her hand in his. “I’m okay. Just got a little dizzy,” he said as they walked around the lake towards the hotel.

She refused to look at the sky for the hotel building. Instead, she watched each step they took. Carefully examining the way their steps had been in sync. Then suddenly, Callum pulled on her hand and stopped her. She felt him tense, gripping her hand harder. Peyton closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she slowly opened them. Then her breath caught in her throat as she took in what little of her hotel was left. The large Victorian building had completely burned to the ground. The fire made it possible for her to see right through where the hotel had once stood. It seemed that the fire hadn’t spread; the dance floor and posts outside the hotel had remained unharmed.