Sometimes Moments (43 page)

She opened the front door and was surprised to see Callum’s best friend in a suit, holding a box.

“Hello, Peyton,” he said. The life and joy in his eyes had been replaced with a miserable cloud—one Peyton knew well.

“Oliver, this is a surprise. How are you?”

His mouth tugged into a frown. “Like shit. I miss him, but I know it’s nothing compared to what you’re going through.”

“I miss him, too. Would you like to come in for cuppa?” she asked, but Oliver shook his head.

“No. Unfortunately, I have to get back to the city. I drove to drop these off for you,” he said, holding the box out to her.

Confused, she took the small, pink box in her hand and looked up at him. “What is it?”

“Callum left it behind. The day before his… The day before he called me to say goodbye. Told me that he left a box in his parents’ house and, after the funeral, I had to come by and give it to you,” Oliver explained and quickly wiped his eyes. It was evident that he had never experienced losing someone who he loved.

Peyton took a step forward and hugged him tight. Then Oliver let out a mumbling sob over her shoulder. After a minute, she untangled her arms and stared at the box she held in her hands.

“Every birthday or anniversary, he’d say, ‘I’m going to see here today. Today is the day I win her forgiveness.’ But each time he left to see you, he’d call and say he couldn’t do it. The first year of chemo he was a mess. When your parents died, he cried, and I had never seen him cry. He just said to me that you would never want to see him after their funeral. You see, Peyton, his last hope of being with you died when your parents did. Your father informed him on how you were doing and kept telling him of when it was a good day to visit. Your dad was the link Callum needed, and it got him through chemo. When they died, he knew he’d never get you back, so he tried less and less. When he found out that the tumour had returned, the first thing he did was call me and tell me that, this time, he had to do it. That’s when I told him that Marissa and I would get married in Daylesford like he had suggested.”

For the first time today, tears welled and then fell. Hearing that her father had kept Callum informed of her made her heart ache. Hearing that he had gone through chemo alone hurt her more. She wished she had been there to support him. For four years, she’d believed he was living the city lifestyle, but in reality, he had been just as lonely as she had.

“He loved you, Peyton. He never wanted you to see the sick side of him. Knowing him, he’ll never stop loving you. I know you were angry with him for a long time, but I hope you can see that he did it all to save you from a life he believed you weren’t suited for. He believed his tumour would hold you back,” Oliver explained.

“I’m not angry, Oliver. I was lonely. I missed him and I will always miss him. He claimed and took my heart. I understand why he did it,” Peyton said, looking up to meet his eyes.

Oliver smiled and nodded. “We’ll keep in touch, Peyton. You deserved a life together. I’m sorry it was taken from you both.”

Me, too.

“I’ll see you around, Oliver.” Peyton bid farewell as she watched him walk down the steps.

Oliver stared at the Reid’s house before he got into his car and drove towards the town’s exit. She too gazed over it. It would no longer be the Reid’s as they had placed it on the market after Callum’s funeral. Peyton never found out why the Reid’s had kept it vacant for over four years but she believed it was so they had another reason to return to Daylesford.

After closing the front door, Peyton stared at the pink box. She went into the kitchen and out onto the veranda. Then she made her way down the steps to the backyard and around the house until she stood under their cherry blossom tree. Taking in the beautiful pink flowers, they reminded her of him. She walked up to the base of the tree and placed her hand on the bark as though she could feel his heartbeat within the wood.

Peyton turned around and sat on the grass, leaning on the tree. Then she peeked at the tree branches to see the light thread through the spaces. She closed her eyes, and in that moment, she felt him with her. And felt his love within her. When she closed her eyes, he was alive with her.

After she breathed out, she stared at the box. She took off the lid to see an envelope. Then proceeded to pick it up and find that, under it, there was a camera and Polaroids in the bottom of the box. Her heart froze at the sight of them. Some looked years old while some appeared to be fairly recent. Placing the box in her lap, she looked at the envelope.

Her name was written in black ink, the same way he’d tattooed it on his wrist. Her heart jerked at seeing his handwriting, missing him even more so. For the second time today, she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

With a shaky hand, Peyton ripped the back of the envelope and pulled out several pieces of folded paper. Then she gave herself a second to prepare her heart before she read his final words to her.

Dear Peyton,

I’m not sure what I can say to make this easier for you and for me. But I am sorry. I never wanted this. I guess I didn’t get the chance to tell you. Maybe I avoided telling you because I was scared to watch you die in front of my eyes. It was selfish of me, I know. So give me a second. Right now, you’re asleep next to me. And I’m sure this is the last time I’ll hold you. As I write this, I’m saying these three words out loud to you:

Peyton, I’m dying.

I think I only have days left in me.

I’m hoping I still have days left.

Today, you smiled and I almost told you right there. I almost ripped your heart out with two words:

I’m dying.

You laughed today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You cried today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You held me today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You kissed me today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You made love to me today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You told me you loved me today and I said: I love you, too.

You slept today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You told me you loved me again today and I almost said: I’m dying.

You rested your head in my lap under the cherry blossoms today and I said: I love you forever, Peyton.

We sat in our spot today and I almost said: I’m dying.

I almost said goodbye today, but you said: I’ll love you more than each breath I take and each moment I live after you. I love you like the waves hug the shores, only apart for so long, always together by nature. I’ll love you even after every star burns out in our galaxy. I’ll love you even after the last breaths of forever are made.

You broke my heart today and I said: You’ll live a happy life.

You let me hold your hand today and I thought: You are my forever, Peyton. Never just my sometimes.

You woke up in my arms today and I almost said: I’m dying, Peyton. Please forgive me today.

I’ve mentally thought of the words I’d say to you. But how do you tell the love of your life that you’re dying? How do you willingly kill yourself before the tumour does? How do you watch the hope and love die in her eyes? How do you keep from telling her that you’ll never see her again, hear her heartbeat, hear her breathe, and hear her tell you she loves you? How?

The answer is: I don’t know how to and I didn’t want to.

There was never a good time to tell you. My plan was never to walk back into Daylesford with you telling me that you loved me back. I never planned to finally tell you that I loved you. I never planned on kissing you, holding you, making love to you, or seeing you smile at me. I never planned, but I hoped—no, I dreamed—for all of those. You, Peyton Olivia, are my biggest dream. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to witness all of life’s firsts you have yet to discover. You will make a beautiful fiancée, a beautiful wife, a beautiful soul mate, a beautiful mother, and a beautiful lover.

I want you to be all those for me. I’ve begged and tried to negotiate with the world. I never wanted a future more than after the tumour came back. If I could marry you right now, I’d do it. I’d kill for it. I’d give up an extra day of my life for you to be Peyton Reid, my wife, my soul mate, the mother of my child, and my ever-so-beautiful lover. If God gave me more time, I would make it all happen. But God gave me limited time and I wasted four years of it away from you. I didn’t want you to see me go through chemo. I didn’t want you to see me want to give up on life. I didn’t want you to think of me dying. I wanted you to live. I wanted you to find happiness and be free from me. I wanted you to be saved from me.

Weeks before I saw you again, the doctor told me that, this time, chemo didn’t work. My first thought was of you, not of my life. I needed to come back for you. This time, I had to make it past the sign. I had to be in breathing distance of you. I needed to feel your pain. I needed to know that being away was the best for you. I needed to remember why I left the first time. I love you, I have loved you, and I will always love you.

I don’t remember how we met. We were just in each other’s lives. But I’ll tell you about the moment that I wanted more from you. The moment that I knew I was in love with you.

I was walking home from town. Mum had me drop off some cakes for some of the businesses. I walked around the lake to see you sitting on the pier. You were watching the sun set. You watched it with this wonder and beauty. You were sixteen. You were beautiful. You had my heart in that moment. I had held your hand at thirteen, but at sixteen, you had my existence. I walked up to you and sat next to you. We were best friends, but this moment was magical. I knew that I loved you in that moment. You made my heart beat for a purpose. I asked you all the time, but this time, it was different. I asked you if you wanted me to walk you home with all my love and with all of my heart. Not because you were my best friend but because I was in love with you. I have been in love with you unconditionally. I have been in love with you for more than forever. You are my one and only love. I will always love you more than the last breath I take in life. I will love you more than the waves hug the shore. I will love you more and more with every day that passes us. I will love you after every star in existence burns out.

My last breath will be of my lungs exhaling my love for you. I will wait for you until I see you again, maybe in heaven or maybe in another life. Heaven may be out of my reach, so I will see you in another life. I will be looking for you. I may not know it, but each breath I take and each step I take will lead me closer to you. My favourite flower will be the cherry blossom. That’ll be our code. And maybe in this other life, I get to grow old with you and love you the way I should have.

No matter what life we live after this one, I will love you in every life we live until the end of time. I will find you again, Peyton. I will find you and I will love you, and it will be right for us. You are the most important person in my universe. You were everything in existence that made sense. You made me love so much that it terrified me to stay when I found out I was sick.

I never want you to be lonely, Peyton. Find him. He’s out there waiting for you. He will love you the way I couldn’t. He will love you until forever. Unlike me, he is capable of doing so. Find happiness, Peyton. Never be lonely. I will be watching over you. I will make sure you find him and happiness. I want you to have a life that gives you everything. Have kids. Have forever moments. Have a lifetime of memories. Love someone more than you loved me. Love him because he will love you through the pain I caused you. He will heal your heart and make you better. Introduce him to your mother’s French toast and make him fall in love with them.

I was your first love, Peyton. But I am not your last.

Your heart will heal and your belief in love will mend.

You will be stronger and you will live a life without regrets.

You are the most beautiful and awe-inspiring woman, who deserves to have the universe at her feet. I’ve left you a box of all of our sometimes moments. I know some people give the love of their life diamonds or jewellery, but they don’t mean as much as the Polaroids that proved our love. I’ve also left you my camera to take Polaroids of your forever moments. I want you to take a countless amount of pictures.

Peyton Olivia Spencer, our sometimes moments were my forever moments. We didn’t have an end; we just had a goodbye until I see you again.

You were the cherry blossom of my life, the bright light that made me great.

But it’s time it was said:

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Thank you for your love and for letting me fall in love with you. It has been a privilege.

It was never just a kiss.

You have my heart forever,

Callum

Peyton held his letter against her chest as she leant her head back on the tree and stared at their cherry blossoms. Tears ran down her face as she smiled and thought of all the times they’d sat under this tree and forgotten the world. This was their safe haven and the one place in the world where one kiss had changed them.

It wasn’t just a kiss. It was a kiss that started our sometimes. And our sometimes is our forever.