Something Worth Fighting For (10 page)

Spencer’s words were ringing in my ears.
“No one will ever love you now. You are nothing. No one special. Piece of shit. You don’t even deserve someone to love you. Why would they want to anyway? God look at you, so pathetic, laying there crying. You disgust me. No one is going to want you. You are unworthy of love, Penelope.”

I couldn’t take it anymore, his voice wouldn’t get out of my head.
“Atlas will never be able to love me, I don’t deserve it. No matter how much I love him.”
I threw the bags down on one of the tables and took off walking as fast as I could. In the opposite direction of the guys heading back from their little talk. Like a coward, I couldn’t face them.

“Ellie?” Atlas voice was behind me. I wanted to go to him but my stupid head told me to run. Pumping my legs faster I listened, running away from everyone. “Ellie, stop!” His voice was closer, closing in on me. “Come on, you can’t outrun me.”

“What, Atlas?! What do you want?” I spun around staring up at him. I narrowed my eyes, tightening my lips into a thin line.

“What’s wrong, baby? What the hell is going on? Did something happen? Did Adam say something to you?”

“No, he just helped me realize something.” I shook my head, backing up as he took another step toward me.

“Talk to me,” Atlas pleaded, a frantic look in his eyes. He looked beautiful standing there in the fading August sun.

“You need someone better than me.”

“What?” Atlas mouth hung open in shock. He was staring at me as if I had just spoke in tongues.

“You heard me, you deserve someone better than me.

“No, we are not having this conversation. Keller and Toby said you would do this, they warned me, and I’m not going to fight you on this. We’re not doing this, Ellie.” Atlas shook his head, standing his ground.

“Why don’t you get it? I’m just this screwed up girl who survives by keeping so busy she doesn’t have time to think. And the attention you give me? That almost makes me believe that I could have you. You need someone better, not someone like me.” I dropped my head, staring at the sand. This was so much harder looking at him.

“You’re being selfish, Ellie.” My head shot up, shocked. “You’re scared so you’re trying to run away. Literally, in this case.” He waved his hand between us. “Do you think I’m stupid? That I can’t judge what or who is good for me? I mean honestly, do you think I’m completely ignorant? I know I might sound it but I promise you I’m a hell of a lot smarter than you’re giving me credit for here.”

“No, I do not think you’re stupid. I just think you can do better than a girl who-- I can’t give you what you need. Not the way another person could.”

“God, would you just shut up, Ellie? You don’t get to decide what’s good for me!”

“I don’t deserve you.” The wall I had built around myself was starting to crack. I held my breath, looking up to the sky to try and blink back the threatening tears.

“I love you, Penelope Noelle Grant. You. No one else. I am in love the happy girl. The one who will dance anywhere. The one that drives me crazy. The one that calls me when she has a bad dream even if she gets my voicemail because she swears just the sound of my voice makes her feel better. The silly, flirty, tries to push me down then kisses me until I see stars, girl. The firecracker. The loyal, wonderful, brilliant, gorgeous woman you are.” Atlas closed the distance between us, crushing me to his chest. “And you’re running because you love me too.”

It hit me like a brick wall.

The things that Spencer had said, the ones I had been repeating to myself over and over again, they meant nothing. They weren’t real, they didn’t matter because they came from someone that didn’t matter. Here in front of me was this incredible man that mattered, and he was telling me that he loves me.

Me
.

“I do,” I said softly after my breath started coming evenly again.

“Say it please. I want to hear you say it.” Atlas pulled back, his blue eyes burning into me. “I need to hear you say it, Ellie.”

“I love you,” I choked out,“I love you, Atlas.” I said again with more conviction.

Atlas laughed as he leaned in, capturing my mouth with his. Kissing me like it was the only thing in the world that actually mattered. His forehead pressed against mine, he held me close in the soft glow of the moon.

“I know you do,” Atlas whispered, “I knew before you did.”

❋❋❋

We were all gathered around the fire pit, myself curled up in Atlas’ lap. We were watching Darcy and Adam make flirty eyes with each other. “I think they like each other.” Atlas said in my ear.

“Yeah? I think so too.” I turned sideways burying my face in his neck. “But I love you.”

“I could never get tired of hearing that.” Atlas laughed, the vibrations radiating through his chest. “I love you, Ginger.” He kissed my forehead, sighing contently.

“Hey Ellie,” Keller called on his way back to the circle. He held my old pink acoustic guitar in one hand and a beer in the other.

“No way,” I shook my head adamantly.

“But you’re so good!” Darcy nodded enthusiastically.

Nope, not happening.”

“I’ve heard her sing, she really isn’t that great.” I punched Atlas on the shoulder, laughing. “She’s always off key.”

“If you don’t I’m going to have to.” Eddie stole the guitar serenading us with a terrible version of “
La Bamba”
.

“Please!”

“Oh God, put it down!”

“Kill it!”

“Shut him up!” The guys begged, covering their ears.

“For me?” Atlas whispered batting his big blue eyes at me.

I melted.

“Fine,” I conceded as Eddie handed me the guitar, “go get me a capo.” I nodded at Keller who took off running after it.

“I didn’t know you play.” Atlas ran his hands down my back as I strummed casually.

“She is so good.” Darcy gushed.

“She played all the time in high school. Coffee shops, school, she sat in the park on weekends and sang for change. She also plays piano like you wouldn’t believe.” Toby spoke from across the fire.

“Any requests?” I asked as Keller returned.

“
Mumford & Sons
! You always do them justice.” It was the first time I noticed Darcy and Adam holding hands.

“Fine but no laughing!” I pointed around the circle. “It’s been awhile.” I cleared my throat, looking at Atlas with a small smile. “Okay, this is “
Reminder
” it’s one of my favorites.” I strummed, closing my eyes and began to pour my heart out through song. My voice husky, spilling out the words that reminded me of the conversation Atlas and I had earlier.

I sang the last line, slowly opening my eyes to see everyone staring blankly back at me.

“Ellie...” Toby was the first one to say anything.

“Damn Ellie.” Caleb, for the first time since I met him actually sounded serious.

“I told you guys!” Darcy rolled her eyes like they were the stupidest people in the world. “Sing something else.”

I leaned back into Atlas, as he spoke only for me to hear. “You’re amazing,” he laughed. “Why am I not surprised? You’ve been faking it!” He accused as I shrugged.

“Kelly!” I used my index finger, beckoning him over.

“Nope.” He shook his head defiantly.

“Please?” I pouted, “Please? For your little baby sister?”

“Ellie,” he groaned as I batted my eyes at him. “Fine” he agreed reluctantly pulling his chair over to us.

“
Falling Slowly
?”

“Yeah that’s fine.”

“First or second verse?”

“First, you’ll be stronger on the second.” Keller bobbed his head along with the guitar as I started to play. Soon his warm voice sailed through the wind. I joined in at the second verse and together we harmonized.

We all watched as Adam helped Darcy to her feet and they began to dance. It took me back to when I used to watch couples stop and dance in the park in Portland. Many times they would request a special song and have their own private moment in the middle of the city.

It was their small, innocent action that brought my whole world into focus.

I finally saw it.

The subtle way Adam was watching Darcy. Her head laying on his shoulder and everyone was staring but he only saw her. There could have been a million people around but right then he would have only ever seen her. It was as if she was the brightest star on the darkest of nights guiding him back home.

It was the way Atlas looked at me.

I sat the guitar in the sand and curled back up to Atlas. I knew this was the moment I would always go back to. That moment watching our closest friends dance on the beach, through the flicker of flames, under the summer moon. It made me realize just how truly in love I am with Atlas.

It was unconditional, irrevocable, terrifying, and absolutely perfect.

I started back to school the third week in August, with my Senior year, a blossoming relationship, and real life in sight. We had been working around each others schedules as much as possible. Atlas would come to the diner when he was off since I had started working a different shift. When I was off I was at his apartment. I had spent more than one night in the kitchen studying my life away just to be close to him.

Juggling school, work, and us was starting to become another job all on its own. This job however, came with one serious perk: Atlas.

But by the end of October I was exhausted. Atlas had come into the kitchen, handing me a cup of tea as he sat down at the table. “I’m going in the field for two weeks.”

“When do you leave?” I was trying to hide how bummed I actually was. I knew that it would come eventually, it always does. “Thank you for the tea.”

“Sunday,” he ran his hand over my arm as I highlighted another passage in my text book.

“Does that mean I get you Saturday night?” I gave him a mischievous smile.

“It most certainly does.”

“Good,” I leaned over the table kissing the corner of his mouth lightly. “Does your mom know you’re coming for Thanksgiving?”

“She knows but she doesn’t know when. I was hoping we could fly out Tuesday morning.” Atlas was playing with the Claddagh ring on my right hand as I made notes from my book.

“Wait, we?” I asked, surprised.

“I want you to come with me.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do. Come to Texas with me and meet my family. We’ll go in early and surprise them.” He grinned at me and I knew there was no way I could say no to that.

“Okay, I’ll go.”

“You will?”

“You just said you wanted me to!” I laughed.

“I thought it was going to take some convincing. Meeting my family and all... That’s a pretty big step.”

“Don’t you know by now I would do anything for you?” The corner of my mouth pulled up as I raised my eyes to meet his.

“No, I didn’t.” He said honestly.

I pushed my book to the side and climbed into his lap. Taking his face in my hands I stared straight into his eyes. “Atlas Ryker I would do absolutely anything to make you happy. I have molded my world to fit into yours just to be with you. I am so in love with you, you crazy, crazy boy.”

“Marry me.” Atlas said softly.

“What?” My mouth dropped open.

“Marry me, Ellie.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“You said anything. I want you to marry me.”

“Baby I would love to marry you but ask me again. In... I don’t know, maybe when you’re serious.” I laughed, kissing his forehead.

“I was serious but okay, May it is.”

“Alright, whatever you say. I have to study so go play Xbox or something to keep us both distracted.” I slid off his lap and back into my chair, taking a sip of tea. “Besides you have to ask my father first.”

“That’s true,” he kissed the top of my head as he passed. “Penelope Noelle Ryker does sound pretty good to me though.”

“Hm... Ellie Ryker,” I mused over my notes, “It sounds perfect to me.”

❋❋❋

I had bribed Darcy to go out with Adam so we could have the apartment Saturday night. Not that I didn’t adore the two of them but I wanted that time alone with my man. Darcy insisted she wasn’t ready to go out but after pleading and promising to go shopping with her for as long as she liked while Atlas was gone, she agreed.

That morning I picked up groceries and drove to his apartment with my overnight bag. Adam answered the door quickly taking the bags from me. “Hey Ellie, Atlas is still sleeping.”

“Thanks,” I followed him to the kitchen setting my bag on the table, “Go back to bed.” I pushed him toward his room.

“Yes mom,” Adam smirked as I started unpacking the groceries and putting things away.

The apartment was quiet, too quiet for me actually. I hurried down the hallway, slipping into Atlas’ room. He was curled up on his side under the covers, snoring softly. I climbed up on the bed next to him, kissing his forehead.

He stirred, smiling sleepily. “Hey baby,” he mumbled wrapping his arms around me.

“How did you know?”

“You always smell like gardenia’s, it’s your perfume. Your hair smells like mint.” His eyes fluttered open as he looked at me.

“Very observant, Sergeant Ryker.”

“My job,” he kissed me softly, “more sleep.”

“Yes baby, more sleep.” I laughed, kicking off my shoes, and pulled back the covers.

“Um.. Ellie?”

“Yes?”

“I.. um...”

“Spit it out, Ryker.”

I’m naked under here.”

“Oh!” I could feel the heat starting to rise to my cheeks as soon as the word
“naked”
left his mouth.

“I can put something on if it will make you more comfortable.”

“No, it’s totally fine.” I was lying through my teeth.

“Are you sure? You look a little flushed.”

“It’s just that... I’ve never...”

“Ellie, are you a virgin? I mean like, by your choice and all.” Atlas propped himself up on his elbow, staring down at me.

“Yeah, something like that.” I put both hands over my face, laughing into them.

“Oh my God... I’ve hit the lottery.” Atlas pumped one fist in the air.

“Atlas!” I slapped his chest. “You could fix that for me.”

His eyes shot over to me, burning and intense. “As much as I would love to lay you down and make love to you, I won’t. You deserve something...”

“Something?”

“Perfect, special, romantic.” Atlas leaned over me, pushing me into the bed. His hand caught my head before it ever hit the bed. “You deserve that.”

“As long as it’s with you it’ll be all those things and more.” I laced my hands behind his neck avoiding the temptation of running them all over his delicious body.

“You’re my angel, Ellie. I wished for you.” Atlas whispered as he pulled my hair back, pressing his lips to my neck.

“Baby I--”

“No Ellie, you are. I am a lucky man.” With one hand he began to unbutton my shirt, pausing between each one to give me time to stop him. My head was caught up in his every touch. The was his breath felt against my skin. He pushed open my shirt, staring down at my stomach. “I saw these scars and I thought a surgery. It’s been bothering me ever since I saw them. After the talk at the cafe, I no longer wanted to ask. But now, I need to know.” He placed feather light kisses along the six inch pale scar.

“It wasn’t a surgery.” I confirmed, causing him to inhale sharply.

“You have one here too.” He brushed his thumb over my side below my bra line.

“That one is a surgery scar.”

“What kind.”

“Well technically it’s where the chest tube went in before the surgery.”

“Christ,” Atlas hissed.

“If it’s going to piss you off I’m not going to talk about it. Besides I thought you wanted to go back to sleep.”

“Not if you’re going to open up then I’m going to keep you talking.” Atlas reached blindly over the side of the bed, grabbing his boxer briefs off the floor. “I don’t want to have this conversation naked.” He smirked.

“Ah, so it was to seduce me into talking!”

“Hm, something like that.” He grinned.

“That’s sneaky.”

“It worked,” Atlas pulled me over to him, running his hands over my exposed skin. “Talk to me, Ellie.”

“I moved from Portland not just for college. I was actually accepted to several colleges, even some in Oregon. My dad was a main reason; this has nothing to do with that,” I put my hand on my stomach, “anyway, not directly, okay, sort of. I’m rambling. I told you when I met you, well I almost told you that I have three brothers, do you remember that?”

“Yeah, you corrected yourself, I remember.”

“Joaquin, he’s my other brother.”

“Where is he?” Atlas asked innocently, kissing my shoulder.

“He killed himself four years ago. He was supposed to be watching me. I was going through a rebellious streak. My mother had been cheating on my father and they were in the middle of their divorce. She would leave all the time and I would act out for attention. Joaquin was an addict; we all knew it and never did anything to help him. We just watched from the sidelines. Too caught up in our own selfish bullshit. I went out that night and something terrible happened.”

Atlas had pulled me on top of him and was crushing my body against his. For the first time I actually let myself go. I sobbed into his skin, bathing him in my grief. Deep, cathartic, therapeutic sobbing.

“It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gone out. I shouldn’t have acted out. Joaquin would still be here. My mother wouldn’t blame me. She wouldn’t hate me. She wanted me to leave. Told me she couldn’t stand the sight of me. But I needed her. I needed her so goddamn bad and she didn’t care.”

“Oh baby, no, it’s not your fault. Shh.. You’re okay, I’ve got you now.” Atlas let me cry until I felt like there was nothing left. Until the years of pain and self loathing seemed to ease.

When I finally calmed down, I lifted my head to look at him. “Don’t ever blame yourself for that, ever. You are eaten alive by guilt. I understand you just a little better now. Why you said you weren’t good enough. God, I fucking hate her, I hate your ex, I hate how they’ve hurt you.”

I couldn’t stop myself, my emotions were all over the place. I started to laugh, really laugh, holding my sides, tears streaming down my face laughing. “What the hell are you laughing at?”

“This was probably the most fucked up conversation to have this early in the morning nearly naked.”

“It’s definitely one of the more interesting ones.” Atlas laughed, rubbing my back.

“This was not how I wanted to start today.” I pressed my face into his chest, yawning.

“Have you been to sleep yet?”

“Honestly? No. I got off work at five, went for a run, shower, grocery store, and then came here.”

“I told you to get some sleep before you came over. What time is it?” Atlas searched around the room for a clock.

“Just after eight.”

“Get a few hours of sleep. We can still be together even if you’re sleeping.” He kissed the corner of my mouth, lingering. “You taste like cherry lipgloss and tears, it’s heartbreaking.”

“I’m sorry for-”

“Don’t be. I told you if you ever wanted to talk I’m here. I’m just glad you finally did. Even if it was void of details.”

“And you had to trick me into it?”

“There’s that too.”

“One day, Atlas.” I rolled off of him, curling up against his side.

“I know,” he kissed me one last time before I drifted off into a for once, peaceful sleep.

❋❋❋

The sun was streaming in around the edges of the dark blue curtains as I woke. I felt around but the bed was empty where Atlas had been before. Turning over I buried my head in his pillows, breathing deep.

“I see you finally woke up.” Atlas voice caused me to jump.

“Yeah sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep so long.”

“Don’t be, you needed it.” He sat on the edge of the bed with a towel around his waist. Beads of water trickled down from his hair to his chest.

“You’re seriously pretty.” I smiled up at him as I rolled over on my back.

“Pretty, huh? That’s not very masculine.”

“Hm... I know but either way, you’re beautiful.” I ran my finger from his shoulder to his collar bone, tracing down the tight defined line of his stomach.

“If you say so.” His voice was low and husky.

“Come here,” I tugged on his arm, pulling him back onto the bed, “It’s my turn.”

“Your turn?”

“Yes,” I climbed on top of him, moving my mouth from his jaw, to his neck, shoulder, sucking the beads of water from his skin.

“I like this game.” Atlas groaned, laying his head back into his pillow. “Does this mean I have to talk now?”

“Mmhm,” I didn’t move my lips from his skin as they made a trail down the center of his chest.

“You’re making it hard to concentrate.” Atlas ran his hands over his face. “My dad left my mom for his secretary. He’s a criminal defense attorney.” My lips brushed over his nipple causing him to inhale sharply. I let my tongue trace over the erect bud as he groaned. “Yeah I really won’t be talking if you don’t stop.”

“I thought part of your job was concentration.”

“Is part of yours driving me crazy?”

“Yes, paragraph three, line four in the girlfriend clause.”

“Smart ass,” Atlas grinned, grabbing my arms he hauled me up eye level to him. “What do you want us to do today?”