Something to Believe In (The Renegade Saints Book 4) (7 page)

I was coming to the end of my second hour of working out in the hotel gym when Cole and Gavin came in. The way they were dressed—jeans and T-shirts—said they weren’t there to get their cardio on. Sweat poured off of me as my feet pounded down on the treadmill. I gave them both the evil eye, hoping they’d take the fuckin’ hint and leave.

Not only didn’t they leave, Gavin had the balls to hit the emergency stop button on my machine. I let out an annoyed noise and went to turn it back on, only to realize it no longer had power. Looking over my shoulder, I glared at Cole as he held up the power cord and smirked at me like a giant prick.

I stepped down from the machine, elbowing Gavin out of my way as I crossed the room and grabbed a hand towel to mop the sweat off my face and neck. My breath was coming in bursts as I spun back and faced them both.

“Seriously,” I huffed, “you’re fuckin’ tag-teaming me
today
? I’m not ready for this, man.”

“We all know the only way to get answers when you shut down like this is to corner you,” Gavin said dryly.

Cole nodded his head in agreement.

“Answers about what?”

“Don’t play dumb. You know very fuckin’ well what,” Cole retorted.

I wasn’t in the fucking mood. I didn’t think I’d ever be in the mood, but right then I wasn’t even in the vicinity of being chill enough to deal. I’d been running for over an hour and the supposed runners’ high hadn’t kicked in. So much for the endorphin rush making me feel better.

I narrowed my eyes as I addressed Cole. “Thought you weren’t a talk show host,” I lashed out defensively. “Looks to me like you couldn’t wait to go rat me out.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t have said shit, but Daisy walked back into the downstairs area looking like her blood had turned to ice and you stomped out of the bathroom after her like it was on fire. You had to know Gavin of all people was going to pick up on it. When he asked me, it wasn’t like I could lie.”

“That’s fuckin’ rich,” I sniped. “When you were keeping Devon a secret you had no problem lying. Why did you have the option and I don’t?”

He had the wisdom to look chastised. “You’ve got a point,” he conceded. “But we both know I was wrong in that situation. I should’ve said something earlier.”

His agreeing with me mostly took the wind out of my sails, argument wise. I couldn’t very well make it about him if he was taking responsibility. I took a few deep breaths and rolled my head back and forth to release some tension. I was so keyed up and tense my shoulders were damn near meeting my ears.

“Fine,” I said as calmly as I could. “What is it you want to know?”

“What is it you want to tell us?” Gavin countered.

“I
want
to tell you nothing,” I said honestly. “I’d love to shove it all down and bury it deep.”

“’Cause we all know how well that works,” Cole interjected.

“I get you,” I assured him. “The truth is I don’t know what the fuck to say. I knew from the moment I met her my reaction to her wasn’t normal. I’ve done my best to stay away from her. Obviously, last night I fuckin’ blew that to hell,” I ground out.

“It’s not a crime to like someone,” Gavin said calmly.

“You know how I—”

He cut me off. “Yeah, I do know. But I also know something is different about Daisy for you. I’ve known since day one. The way you look at her, man. It’s like how Cole looks at Devon, Flynn looks at Tessa, and I look at Leah. You want her. And I don’t mean you want her like you’re going to fuck once and roll out. If that were the case, you wouldn’t be so amped up.”

“Different isn’t good for me,” I countered.

Cole’s hand slashed through the air dismissively. “You’re clinging so desperately to an old belief system,” he said. “If anyone gets where you’re coming from, it’s me. I held onto my own like it was a life raft. It was stupid and a complete waste of time. Being with Devon is the best thing I’ve ever done.”

“I know what you’re saying, but it’s different for me. What went on with you and Devon isn’t comparable. She never had to put up with you being a complete fuckin’ whack job.”

“You’re not whacked,” he said firmly. “There isn’t a damn thing wrong with you.”

I twisted my fingers around the towel I’d used to wipe down with. “I’m a grown ass man who can’t sleep in the same fuckin’ room with anyone. That’s pretty goddamn fucked up.”

“There’s a real reason though, and it’s valid,” Gavin reminded me. “You can’t do it now, but you can get there. You know about what Leah went through in the past. She thought she’d never be able to be with anyone, ever. Look at her now! She can’t get enough of my Wilde ass.”

I half-chuckled. He was right about one thing. Leah had come a long, long way from where she’d started. Maybe he had a point.

“I can’t even imagine how the fuck I’d try,” I confessed. “First, there’s the fact that I’ve never even been goddamn tempted. Second, I’m a fuckin’ mess. I feel like shit for being an asshole ’cause fuck knows she doesn’t deserve it, but I can’t pretend I’d be good for her.”

“That’s fuckin’ bullshit,” Cole snapped. “Stop acting like you’re a fucking monster or a defective piece of shit. You’re a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have your crazy ass.”

I disagreed. “I think in the relationship department, I might as well fucking be classified as defective.”

“Sounds like some self-hate bullshit talk to me. Besides, how can you really know if you never try?”

My head popped up as I looked at Gavin. He was staring at me in the quiet way he had.

“I’m fucked up.”

“What’s fucked up is how much resistance you put up to something I think would actually be good for you. Probably even great. You’re self-sabotaging.”

The fucked up thing was, I could imagine a scenario where it was great. But getting there would take fucking work and I’d be far from my comfort zone. I didn’t struggle the way I used to—which was minute by goddamn minute—with my addiction, but it was still there, always lurking. I was very aware of how one false move could send me on a downward spiral which could lead right back to the drugged out hell I’d barely survived in round one.

“I don’t know how to start,” I admitted. “Maybe if I just give it time…”

“In this case time isn’t your friend,” Cole answered. “You give it too much time and I guarantee you’ll miss the opportunity because you’ll have talked yourself out of it.”

“I just don’t know how,” I admitted. “This isn’t some shit I can just snap my fingers and have it resolved.”

“That’s true, but not doing anything isn’t going to get you anywhere at all. There’s not a goddamn thing stopping you from apologizing to Daisy immediately, and you damn well need to,” Cole said. “Whatever you said to her after I walked out of the bathroom had to have sucked. I’m not fucking with you when I say she looked wrecked.”

My heart constricted in my chest. Hurting her wasn’t okay.

“I’ll apologize,” I assured him. “Sincerely.”

They both stared at me expectantly, waiting for me to say more.

“I want to try,” I admitted. “I’m just… scared.”

“I think once you get the dildo out of your ass and stop fucking telling yourself you’re too fucked up to have something good, you’ll be fine,” Cole asserted. “She could be fuckin’ great for you.”

Gavin chimed in with a chuckle. “I second that. She’s awesome.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“For fuckin’ real,” Gavin said firmly. “Don’t just shine us on. Actually do it. Use your head and think.”

“I promise,” I said sincerely.

“There we go,” Cole said proudly as he came forward and clapped a hand on my back.

His face screwed up as he jerked his hand back and made a gagging noise. “Fuckin’
ew
, man. You’re wet like you were just swimming. I gotta go wash your sweat off my hand.”

“I’m sure you’ve had worse than this jackoff’s sweat on your hands,” Gavin joked.

Just like that the mood between the three of us lifted. It had almost always been that way—the only exception being when I’d gone completely off the rails and lost my shit. Other than during my dark time, the entire band followed a pattern and it worked for us. After we dealt with serious shit we always got right back to laughing. It was through them I’d learned to live again, and I was more thankful for it than I could express. The brotherhood was everything.

As we left the gym, Cole’s cell rang. He smiled as he stopped walking and announced it was his gram.

“I’m gonna go back inside the gym so I can talk to Gram. My signal in the elevators here is shit.”

Gavin and I each told him to tell her we said hi before we waved him off and went on our way. Once I was back to my room I headed to the shower and started rehearsing an apology to Daisy.

I
stewed about the bathroom incident all night long, barely getting three hours of non-consecutive sleep. That sucked because it was a show night, which meant the workday didn’t even start until three in the afternoon. I needed something to take my mind off of everything, and lounging around in my room after getting damn near no sleep wasn’t ideal.

All the unstructured time gave me was more opportunity to overthink things and torture myself. I was mortified to have allowed myself to believe, even for a nanosecond, that Tyson Allen wasn’t the world’s biggest asshole.

It galled me to know he had so little respect for me as a person. It had been years since I’d let my guard down for anyone to get so close to me. My string of terrible relationships held me back from doing so many things. How crappy was my luck that the first man I met in forever who attracted me turned out to be the inventor of the douche canoe?

The amount of disgust I had in myself for letting him touch me was almost as big as my anger at him. Stomping down the hotel hallway toward his suite, I had the daily brief clutched in my hand like it held the nuclear codes. The highlight of my day was Cole not being in his room when I knocked. The last thing I’d needed was for him to comment about finding Tyson and me the night before.

Since the day Tyson had told me to slide the daily briefs under his door, I’d crept down the hallway like a little church mouse to do so as quickly as possible. I wasn’t in the mood for his nonsense anymore. When I got to his door, I banged on it continuously for at least thirty seconds. I startled when I heard a voice from behind me.

“He’s not in there.”

Spinning on my heel, I came face to face with Leah, Gavin’s girlfriend. I felt a blush creeping across my cheeks, and I ducked my head bashfully. I liked Leah and was ashamed to have been caught out acting like a nut.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

Leah waved away my concern. “You didn’t,” she said sweetly. “I know Tyson isn’t there because I already tried calling him this morning. I’ve got something going on I wanted his help with, but he didn’t answer. So now I’m on my way to ask Tessa to help me tonight by taking pictures.”

I was so embarrassed she’d caught me being a nut I barely made sense of her words. “Sounds fun,” I answered half-heartedly.

“You could come with me,” she offered.

I shook my head. “No, I’ve got a bunch of work to get done before it’s time to leave for the arena.”

“Completely understandable,” she smiled.

I headed back to the room I used as an office and tried to lose myself in working on a few projects, which didn’t work. I was too amped up to sit in the hotel room. Taking my laptop and my cell I retreated to the rooftop deck and set up at a table. Being outdoors had always been a balm to my soul, which meant I was able to relax a bit. Eventually, I got so into the work that I was shocked when my phone alarm went off to remind me it was time to leave for the show.

I tucked my computer under my arm and called Lacey as I hurried to the elevator. When she picked up, I was full of apologies.

“I am so, so sorry, but I’m going to be late. I got so caught up in making sure the dressing room riders for the next week were received that I completely forgot what time it was. Go ahead without me. I’ll get changed and grab a cab. I should only be about half an hour behind you.”

“I figured you’d got all caught up with something,” she laughed. “Don’t worry about it—take your time.”