Something Happened (14 page)

So I am silent with Martha, and I am silent with my wife, out of the same coarse mixture of sympathy and self-interest, about her drinking and flirting and dirty words, as I was silent also with my mother when she had the first of her brain strokes, and am silent also with everyone else I know in whom I begin to perceive the first signs of irreversible physical decay and approaching infirmity and death. (I write these people off rapidly. They become dead records in my filing system long before they are even gone, at the first indications that they have begun to go.) I say nothing to anybody about anything bad once I see it’s already too late for anyone to help. I said nothing to my mother about her brain stroke, even though I was with her when it happened and was the one who finally had to make the telephone call for the
doctor. I did not want her to know she was having a brain stroke; and when she did know, I didn’t want her to know I knew.

I pretended not to notice when her tongue began rattling suddenly against the roof of her mouth during one of my weekly visits to the apartment in which she lived alone. The same splintered syllable, the same glottal stutter, kept coming out. I masked my surprise and hid my concern. She broke off, that first time, with a puzzled, almost whimsical look, smiled faintly in apology, and tried again to complete what she had started to say. The same thing happened. It happened the next time she tried. And the next. And the time after that, her attempt was not whole-hearted; she seemed to know in advance it was futile, that it was too late. She felt all right otherwise. But she nodded when I suggested we get a doctor; and as I telephoned, the poor old woman sat down and surrendered weakly with a mortified, misty-eyed, bewildered shrug. (She was frightened. And she was ashamed.)

The doctor explained patiently afterward that it was probably not a clot but only a spasm (there was no such things as strokes, he said; there were only hemorrhages, clots, and spasms) in a very small blood vessel in her brain. (Had the affected blood vessel been a larger one, she would have suffered paralysis too on one side and perhaps loss of memory.) But she never spoke again for as long as she lived, although she continued, forgetfully, to try (out of habit, I suppose, rather than from any expectations of success) until the second in her series of spasms (or strokes), and then stopped trying. I would visit her in the nursing home (where she hated to be); I would do all the talking and she would listen and motion for the things she wanted or rise from her chair or bed (until she could no longer stand up, either) and go for them herself. Occasionally, she would jot a request on a scrap of paper. I never mentioned her stroke to her or referred to any of the other growing disabilities that appeared and crept over her remorselessly (arthritis, particularly, and a pervasive physical and mental indolence that blended finally into morbid apathy)
as I sat by her bedside during my visits and talked to her about pleasant matters, soon running out of things to say about me, my wife, my children, and my job that I thought might make her feel good. She never knew that Derek had been born with serious brain damage, although she did know he had been born. I always told her he was fine. (I always told her everybody was fine.) We didn’t know it either about Derek until he was a few years old, and by then it was too late: we’d already had him; he had already happened. (I wish I were rid of him now, although I don’t dare come right out and say so. I suspect all of us in the family feel this way. Except, possibly, my boy, who may reason that if we did get rid of Derek, we could get rid of him, too, and is already concerned that we secretly intend to. My boy watches and absorbs everything having to do with us and Derek, as though waiting to see how we finally dispose of him, which is something, he senses, that sooner or later we will probably have to do.)

My conversation to my mother, like my visits, was of no use to her. I pretended, by not speaking of it, for my sake as well as for hers (for my sake
more
than for hers) that she was not seriously ill and in a nursing home she hated, that she was not crippled and growing older and more crippled daily. I did not want her to know, as she did know (and I knew she knew), as she knew before I did, that she was dying, slowly, in stages, her organs failing and her faculties withering one by one. I brought her food (which, toward the end, when her mind was gone almost entirely and she could barely recollect who I was for more than a minute or two, she would seize with her shriveled fingers and devour ravenously right from the wrapping paper like some famished, caged, wizened, white-haired animal—my mother). I pretended she was perfect and said nothing to her about her condition until she finally died. I was no use to her (except to bring her food), as I am no help now to our typist who is going insane right before my eyes, and am no help either to my wife with her drinking and her flirting and her other rather awkward efforts
to be vital and gay. (I have visions these days when I am lying alone in strange beds in hotels or motels, trying to put myself to sleep, of being assailed by filthy hordes of stinging fleas or bedbugs against which I am utterly inept because I am too squeamish to endure them and have no other place to go.)
I don’t want my wife ever to find out she drinks too much at parties and sometimes behaves very badly with other people and makes an extremely poor impression when she thinks she is making a very good one
! If she did (if she ever had even an inkling of how clumsy and overbearing she sometimes becomes), the knowledge would crush her (she would be destroyed), and she is already dejected enough.

At home during the day, she drinks only wine; in the evening, before or after dinner, she might drink scotch if I do. Many evenings we will not drink at all. She doesn’t really like the taste of whiskey (although she is starting to enjoy the taste of martinis and to welcome that numbing-enlivening effect they mercifully produce so quickly) and doesn’t know how to mix cocktails. At parties now, she will drink whatever’s handed her as soon as we walk in and try to get a little high as quickly as she can. Then she will stick to that same drink for the rest of the evening. If things have been fairly comfortable between us that day and she is feeling secure, she will have a loud, jolly, friendly good time, with me and everyone else, until she gets drunk (if she does), and sometimes dizzy and sick, and no real harm will be done, although she used to be a quiet, modest girl, somewhat shy and refined, almost demure, always tactful and well-mannered.

If things are not so good, if she is not happy that day with me, my daughter, or herself, she will flirt belligerently. She will usually frighten away the man (or men) she flirts with (they almost never hang around long enough to flirt back) because she doesn’t know how; her approach is threatening, her invitation to seduction a challenging attack, and there may be something of a scene if I don’t step in quickly enough. It will always be with some man she knows and feels thoroughly safe with (she doesn’t really want to flirt
at all, I suppose) and usually one who appears to be enjoying himself and bothering no one. (Perhaps he seems smug.) It is saddening for me to watch her; I do not want other people to dislike her.

She will challenge the man openly, sometimes right in the presence of his wife, with a bald and suggestive remark or enticement, sliding her hand heavily up his shoulder blade if he is standing or squeezing the inside of his thigh if he is seated; and then, as though he had already rejected her, turn taunting, vengeful, and contemptuous before he can respond at all. As neatly and promptly as I can, before much damage is done, I will move in to rescue her, to guide her away smoothly with a quip and a smile. I never rebuke her (although I am often furious and ashamed); I humor her, praise her, flatter. I want her to feel pleased with herself. (I don’t know why.)

“You’re just jealous,” she will accuse defiantly, when I have led her away.

“Damned right, I am,” I reply with a forced laugh, and sometimes I will put my hands on her intimately to help persuade her I am.

“You’d better be,” she’ll gloat triumphantly.

We have had better times together, my wife and I, than we are having now; but I do not think we will have them again.

Dinner, my wife says, will be ready soon. My mood is convivial (so many times when I am home with my family, I wish I were somewhere else) and I decide, magnanimously, that tonight (at least) I will do everything I can to make them all happy.

“Hello,” I say as my children assemble.

“Hi,” says my daughter.

“Hi,” says my son.

“What’s the matter?” I ask my daughter.

“Nothing,” she says.

“Was that a look?”

“No.”

“It was a look, wasn’t it?”

“I said hello, didn’t I?” she retorts, lowering her
voice, maliciously, to a tone of unconcerned innocence. “What do you want me to do?”

(Oh, shit, I meditate pessimistically, my spirits sinking, what the hell is bothering her now?)

“If something’s wrong,” I persist tolerantly (feeling myself growing incensed), “I wish you’d tell me what it is.”

She grits her teeth. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Dinner’s ready,” says my wife.

“I won’t like it,” says my boy.

“What’s bothering her?” I ask my wife loudly, as we move together into the dining room.

“Nothing. I don’t know. I never know, Let’s sit down. Let’s try not to fight tonight. Let’s see if we can’t get through just one meal without anybody yelling and screaming and getting angry. That shouldn’t be too hard, should it?”

“That would suit
me
fine,” says my daughter, emphasizing her words to indicate that it might not suit somebody else (me). (She has not looked at me directly yet.)

“It’s okay with me,” says I.

“I still won’t like it,” says my boy.

“What does that mean?” I ask.

“I want two hot dogs.”

“You can at least taste it,” argues my wife.

“What?” asks my daughter.

“You can’t keep eating hot dogs all your life.”

“If you want them, you’ll get them,” I promise my son. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” I ask my wife. “No fights?”

“All right.”

“Amen.” I conclude with relief.

“What does that mean?” my boy asks me.

“
Olé
.” I answer facetiously.

“What does that mean?”

“Okay. Have you got it?”

“Since when?” intrudes my daughter.

“
Olé
,” my boy replies.

“No, it doesn’t,” says my daughter in her soft, weary monotone without looking up, attempting (I
know) to keep the bickering going. “
Olé
doesn’t mean okay.”

“If you were in a better frame of mind,” I josh with her, “I would threaten to wring your neck for that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my frame of mind,” she replies. “Why don’t you threaten to wring my neck anyway?”

“Because you wouldn’t realize I was kidding now, and you’d probably think I really wanted to harm you.”

“Ha.”

“Can’t we have a peaceful meal?” pleads my wife. “It shouldn’t be so hard to have a peaceful meal together. Should it?”

(I grit
my
teeth.)

“It would be a lot easier,” I tell her amiably, “if you didn’t keep saying that.”

“Forgive me,” my wife answers. “Forgive me for breathing.”

“Oh, Jesus.”

“That’s right,” says my wife, “swear.”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” I tell her harshly (lying, of course, because that was exactly the way I did mean it). “Honest, I didn’t. Look, we all agreed not to argue tonight, didn’t we?”

“I know
I
did,” says my daughter.

“Then let’s not argue. Okay?”

“If you don’t shout,” says my daughter.

“
Olé
,” says my boy, and we all smile.

(At last we have agreed about something.) Now that we have agreed to relax, we are all very tense. (Now I am sorry I’m there—although I do enjoy my boy. I can think of three girls I like a lot and know a long time—Penny, Jill, and Rosemary—I would rather be with, and the new young one in our Art Department, Jane, who, I bet, I could be having dinner and booze with instead if I had taken the trouble to ask.) None of us at our dining room table seems willing now to risk a remark.

“Should we say grace?” I suggest jokingly in an effort to loosen things up.

“Grace,” says my boy, on cue.

It’s an old family joke that really pleases only my boy; and my daughter’s lips droop deliberately with disdain. She holds that scornful expression long enough to make sure I notice. I make believe I don’t. I try not to let it rankle me (I know my daughter often finds me childish, and
that
does rankle me. I have a bitter urge to reproach her, to shout at her, to reach out and hit her, to kick her very sharply under the table in the bones of her leg. I have an impulse often to strike back at the members of my family, even the children, when I feel they are insulting me or taking advantage. Sometimes when I see one of them in the process of doing something improper, or making a mistake for which I know I will be justified in blaming them, I do not intercede to help or correct but hold back in joy to watch and wait, as though observing from a distance a wicked scene unfold in some weird dream, actually relishing the opportunity I spy approaching that will enable me to criticize and reprimand them and demand explanations and apologies. It horrifies me; it is something like watching them back fatally toward an open window or the edge of a cliff and offering no warning to save them from injury or death. It is perverse and I try to overcome it. There is this crawling animal flourishing somewhere inside me that I try to keep hidden and that strives to get out, and I don’t know what it is or whom it wishes to destroy. I know it is covered with warts. It might be me; it might also be me that it wishes to destroy) and, succeeding in stifling my anger beneath a placid smile, say:

“Pass me the bread, will you, dear?”

My daughter does.

My wife sits opposite me at the head (or foot) of the table, my boy on my left, my daughter on my right. The maid pads back and forth without talking, delivering bowls of food from the kitchen. My wife spoons large portions out into separate plates and passes them. We are silent. We do not feel free any longer to converse without inhibition in front of our colored maids. (I am not even certain of this one’s name: they do not stay with us long anymore.)