Soft Shock (28 page)

Chapter Thirty-Three

It was early
May, and finals were officially over. Marci
was relieved to
be done
, and she celebrated by sleeping fourteen hours in her very comfy
bed.

When she
finally woke up around two in the afternoon on the Saturday after finals, she
smiled until she remembered all the papers she’d agreed to help Ming grade. Her
smile disappeared temporarily. It came back when she thought of how well she
was handling the knowledge that she was in love with Owen. She hadn’t tried to
break up his engagement or anything. She’d accepted that it was over despite
Ronnie’s protests against this.

She’d made
plans to go out to Cali to see her mom and Tyler for a few weeks after she tied
things up at school for the semester. She would have to come back to campus and
get a jump on studying for comps well before classes started in August, but at
least she would have a good long break first. And while she was gone, Owen
would graduate. Her flight left to Cali on graduation day—she’d planned
it that way. And hopefully, he would go to New York for the summer with
Kristin. When she got back from Cali, all traces of him should be gone. All
temptation should be removed. And that was for the best. She needed a fresh
start, and she owed him one as well.

She sat up in
bed and ran a hand through her curly hair. Man, she should have braided it last
night. It was out of control this morning—or afternoon, rather. In fact,
she’d let a lot of things get out of control over the past few weeks and blamed
all of that on the stress from finals. Yeah, it was just finals stress, and now
that the exams were all over, papers all turned in, and her reading list for
comps had been approved, her life could get back to normal.

Your life won’t get back to normal until
September twenty-third, or better yet September twenty-fourth, when you know
it’s all over and done with, it really is too late, and there’s absolutely
nothing you can do to change the way things are
, insisted a nasty little
voice. The same voice that had been agreeing with Ronnie and tempting her to
call Owen for the past few weeks.

Yeah yeah.
That voice was going to have to take a break. At
least until she got a pee in, could splash some water on her face, and had some
coffee brewing. She definitely couldn’t deal with that voice pre-coffee. She
yawned and stretched, reaching over to grab her phone from her nightstand. She
frowned down at the screen. She had an obscene number of missed calls from
Ronnie. Wondering what in the world the problem was, she called Ronnie back.

“You finally
conscious?” was Ronnie’s greeting to her.

“Why in the
world have you been stalking my cell phone? Is everything okay?”

“Depends on
what you mean by okay. You need to get your butt over here. Jeremy has
something important to tell you.”

“Why can’t you
tell me over the phone? I’m not even dressed. I need a shower. I’m hungry.”

“We work at a
restaurant, remember? There’s plenty of food.
Wash
your
ass
and get
over here. This isn’t a phone sort of conversation.”

“Ronnie if this
is about Owen, that’s finished.” She had no idea why else Jeremy would want to
talk to her. “He’s getting married, he’s happy with her, and I’m staying out of
it.” She’d had her chance, and she’d blown it. Game over. Case closed.

“If you don’t
get over here, we’ll track you down after work. And we won’t bring you any
food, either.”

The no food was
the bigger threat there. She’d go over, hear them out. It didn’t mean she had
to take whatever crazy advice they had for her. Besides, if they thought she’d
done what they wanted, they might shut up about it—stop worrying her all
the time about Owen. Because it had to be about Owen, whatever Jeremy had to
say and Ronnie was planning to cosign.

“Give me an
hour.” Marci sighed heavily into the phone.

“I’ll try.”

#

When Marci got
to Schaffer’s, Jeremy and Ronnie took their break. It was a nice spring day, so
the three of them went outside to the parking lot. A warm breeze blew against
Marci’s neck as she followed Ronnie and Jeremy to the back of the parking lot. Everything
was so fresh and green and full of promise.

Ronnie and
Marci sat on the hood of Ronnie’s car, and Jeremy stood in front of them.
Jeremy stared back and forth between the two of them. Ronnie made a gesture
indicating he should get on with it, and he nodded.

“He probably
doesn’t want me to tell you this. Okay. He told me to keep my mouth shut about it.
But.” Jeremy pulled his lighter out of his pocket and began flicking it off and
on repeatedly. “He’s packing to go to New York. This weekend.”

“He what?”
Marci said, the news blindsiding her. First that damned save-the-date, and now
this. “Who?” Because she was clinging to every last second she could stay in
the dark. Without hearing Jeremy say it, she could pretend a little longer.

“
Owen’s moving
to New York. I mean, in the process of. He’s
literally packing right now.” Jeremy flicked the lighter off.

“That doesn’t
make any sense,” Marci scoffed. “What, is this some trick to fool me into going
over there? He wouldn’t leave now. Graduation’s not for another week.”

Jeremy’s
lighter went
on-off
, on-off. “He’s coming back just
for graduation day.”

“When did he
decide he was moving to New York? If he really is.”

“Kristin wants
to go back as soon as possible. The wedding crap is easier to handle up there,
I guess. Besides, she hates it here. Owen is going to stay at her place and
look for jobs up there until the wedding.” Jeremy continued to fiddle with the
lighter. “Mom is devastated of course. She never liked Kristin in the first
place, and now she’s taking Owen away.”

“I guess it
makes sense. I figured they’d end up in New York,” Marci said quietly. “No
point in delaying the job search.”

“According to
Kristin, who rules the universe, they have to be there. She wants to work in
fashion, and her internship is up there. According to Owen, it’s just ‘easier’
this way. And he says maybe it’ll be good. There are too many memories here.”

Marci couldn’t
help but wonder if she was part of the “too many memories” Owen was talking
about. And Jeremy probably wanted her to wonder that, the little sneak. That
was probably why he’d thrown that choice detail in there.

“Well, it’s
settled,” she said. Ronnie and Jeremy turned to her with pensive, eager looks.
“What?” she said. They obviously had the wrong idea. She could tell that by
looking at them. Time to set them straight. “He wants to marry Kristin and move
to New York. That’s the life he wants, and that life has no room for me in it.
When I’m done at CVU, I’ll be looking for jobs at universities in California.
The opposite side of the country from him.
Maybe that’ll be
enough distance from the ‘memories’ for him.”

“He and Kristin
fight all the time. Like almost every day,” Jeremy said. Although his eyes were
green, the earnest look in them reminded her of Owen’s gray ones so very painfully.

“He asked her
to marry him. She must be what he wants.”

“She’s what he
wants if he can’t have you,” Jeremy said. “You know what he did for you over
Thanksgiving? I don’t think he would’ve done that for Kristin.”

“Of course he
would have.”

“Kristin demanded
that he take the jeep and come get her from New York once when a snowstorm
grounded all the flights, and she couldn’t get back to Virginia over winter
break. She wanted to come back early. He wouldn’t do it. They were fighting at
the time. Big surprise. When I asked if he was going to do it, he said he
needed the break. He’d see her soon enough.”

Marci looked up
at Jeremy. “This is different.”

“Sure,” Ronnie chimed
in. “You’re different. Don’t you want to at least know what he’d say if he knew
how you feel?”

Marci turned to
her. Ronnie’s words resonated in a way she didn’t want them to.

“Please don’t
let my brother make his own life miserable. None of us like her,” Jeremy said.

“Leave the
decision up to him, okay?” Ronnie grabbed her hands. “At least tell him. And
see what he
has to say.”

“And what if he
says no?” Marci realized that maybe she was hiding behind this martyr idea of
not getting in the way of his happiness. Maybe she was afraid that he would
hear what she had to say, shrug her off, tell her what she’d told
herself—she’d had her chance and blown it—and he would still marry
Kristin.

“That’s a
chance you’re going to have to take,” Ronnie said. “Could you really stand not
knowing?”

“Ronnie’s right,”
Jeremy said. At least give him the choice. You owe it to both him and you.”

“I can’t just
go over there,” Marci said. “What if Kristin is
there
helping him pack?”

Jeremy burst
out laughing. “Please. If you knew Kristin at all, you would know that’s
impossible. She’ll meet him at the airport, but that’s about it. Besides, he
helped her pack last weekend, and now she’s back in New York.”

“Helped her
pack during his finals?”

“Right after he
finished, but do you think she would have cared?” Jeremy shrugged. “Kristin is
a very demanding woman.”

Marci nodded. “Seems
that way.”

Jeremy pocketed
his lighter. “I see her make Owen a little more miserable every day. Because,
like you, he’s afraid to admit he’s wrong. He’d rather commit to some old,
wrong idea he’s had about Kristin since forever than take the chance of being
alone. He doesn’t like alone, in case you haven’t noticed. He’s been in a
relationship with some girl or another since he was, like, fourteen.
Maybe younger.
I dunno.” Jeremy tapped his fingers against
the side of his leg. “And I think he’s extra afraid of both not having her and
not having you. I think he thinks he’ll feel the devastation of losing you all
the more without a buffer.”

Marci
remembered her paranoid thoughts over Thanksgiving that she’d been the buffer
to Owen losing Kristin. Could it possibly be the other way around?

Marci stared
down at her feet. In her mind, she went back to that Tuesday night before
Thanksgiving in Owen’s room when things had changed. When she’d started to feel
herself falling for him and had decided to fight it like hell. She’d felt
herself becoming a little too dependent on him, and she hadn’t been able to
handle that.

And then there
was the icy day after Thanksgiving when he’d carried her across the slippery
walkway to the jeep after telling her he loved her. The way he’d done so many
things for her without being asked. Without expecting anything in return.
Because when you loved someone, you bit the bullet. You sacrificed. You took
chances. You at least gave them the opportunity to make the choice. This wasn’t
just about her and her fear of rejection and her commitment issues. This was
about Owen, too. Sometimes, love meant putting your fears aside.

She’d tried to
tell herself that telling him how she felt was selfish. But maybe not saying
anything at all was the more selfish move.

She nodded.
“Okay. I’ll go over there.”

Ronnie whooped
and gave her a hug that nearly squeezed the life out of her. When the hug was
over, Jeremy held his hand up for a high five. Marci slapped it.

“Don’t start
celebrating too much, guys,” Marci said. “The battle isn’t even half over.”

“The hardest
part of it is,” Ronnie said. Jeremy readily agreed.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Taking a deep
breath, Marci knocked on the door to the apartment. Dante opened it and smiled.

“It’s about
time,” he said. “Go get him.”

Marci could
only smile in response. Her stomach was a knot of nerves, and she had no idea
how she was going to start, what she was going to say. She was about to try to
break up an engagement.
She who had sworn off all
relationships.
Oh man,
this
was
all kinds of crazy
.

“He’s in his
room packing. I’m
gonna
give you two some privacy. I
was on my way out anyway.” Dante gave Marci a quick hug and then slipped past
her into the hallway.

Reminding
herself to breathe, and that this was Owen, she stepped into the apartment and
closed the door after her. She knew him, and he wasn’t going to take her head
off either way. He wasn’t going to laugh at her or sneer. He was way too good
of a person for that.

Owen came out
of his bedroom, and she stopped in her tracks. He was looking down at something
in his hands and didn’t see her right away.

“Dante, what
did you do with the rest of my boxes?” He looked up. “Oh. You’re not Dante.” He
was looking all good as usual in a tee that was just fitted enough to call
attention to the chest underneath it. His sculpted biceps strained against the
gray fabric of the short sleeves. His stunning face was the perfect picture of
surprise.

“No. I’m not.”
Man, she kept saying it because it was true. It really wasn’t fair for him to
look that good to her. How could any one person be blessed with so many good
genes?

“What are you
doing here?” he asked it without any malice in his tone, only genuine
curiosity.

“I heard you’re
moving to New York,” she said.

“Yep.” He
gestured toward the dining room.

Following the
direction of his hand, she saw boxes boxes stacked in the dining room she
hadn’t noticed before. “Why did you send me a save-the-date card?”

“A what? I
didn’t…” He closed his eyes, let out a growl of frustration, and banged his
fist against his thigh. “Kristin.
That’s
what she was doing with the directory. I told her not to do that.”

“You don’t want
me at your wedding?”

“I didn’t think
you’d want to be there.”

She nodded. She
took a few steps forward so that she stood in the middle of the living room. She
saw that it was packing tape Owen was holding in his hands now that she was
closer. He remained where he was, near the door to his room. She really missed
that room. Turning her gaze back to him, she realized he was looking at her
expectantly.

“My mom’s been
married ten times,” she said. “Her newest, husband number ten, is in his early thirties.
He’s literally just a few years older than me. She treats marriage like a game.
A joke. And I’ve grown to believe, because of her and for other reasons, that
it is.”

Owen shifted
the packing tape he was holding from hand to hand. He made no attempt to
respond to that, and she wasn’t sure what she wanted him to say anyway.

“You see,” she
said, trying again, “I have a problem. And the problem is, I’m not very good
with relationships or feelings or anything like that. But I’m in love with you.
It’s scary, and I don’t know what you’ll think or what you’ll say, but I had to
tell you. You need to know that. I love you. So much. I fought it so hard, and
you were so right when you said I was afraid to admit it, and you
are
so right. For me.” She forced herself
to stop talking, to give him a moment to digest her words.

Owen tossed the
packing tape toward the couch where it landed. Crossing his arms over his
chest, he looked her in the eye for a long time without moving. His face was a
neutral mask.

The silence was
driving her out of her mind. Her thoughts went everywhere from
he hates me now
to
maybe he’s just overwhelmed and he’s going to run over and hug me any
minute and tell me that it’s okay
.

She couldn’t
take the silence anymore, so she kept talking. “There was this boy.
In high school.
So naïvely, I thought we were going to be
the exception, one of those few couples who make it after high school. He was
my first.” She gave a little shake of her head. “When I found out he was
cheating on me with my best friend, I was devastated. Never talked to either of
them again after that. You know what my mom said when she found out? She came
into my room, sat next to me on my bed, and put her arm around me. And she said
in the most sincere tone, and she really did—does—believe this. She
said, ‘Oh honey. All men cheat. You better get used to it.’” Marci laughed
bitterly, lost in that memory for a moment. “That’s just one sample of Glenda
King’s great parenting skills. She’s so very maternal.”

Owen nodded but
made no other moves.

 
“During sophomore year of undergrad, I
met this guy. And I just lost it. I lost all control. I couldn’t function when
he wasn’t around. And he claimed to have fallen just as hard for me.” Just the
memory brought back those feelings of fear and helplessness. “I became so
dependent on what we had. Then he left me for someone else. And I was so
determined that him leaving was something I could fix. That if I just solved
the problem by showing him I was worthy of him, I could have him. He’d be happy
with me.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “It’s an awful feeling to realize that
no matter what you change about yourself, no matter how hard you try, you can’t
make yourself be what someone wants if that person just doesn’t want
you
anymore. You can’t shape yourself to
be…any more than what you are. And if what you are isn’t enough…”

“You should
never feel that way. That you’re not enough,” Owen said in that quiet yet firm
way of his.

“Anyway, the
point is, I started to feel that again. That out of control feeling.
With you.
I was becoming too dependent on what we had. And
it scared the shit out of me. I freaked out.
After…him…the
college guy.
I mean…I didn’t…nothing’s scarier to me than letting
someone in that way. You can really get hurt like that.” Marci worried her dad’s
class ring on its chain around her neck. “I sent him twenty birthday cards for
his twentieth birthday, which was about a month after we broke up. He didn’t
have them returned to sender, but he never so much as sent a text or email saying
he got them, either. Later, I imagined him and his new girlfriend laughing over
them. Laughing at what a pathetic fool I was. I’d rather die alone than be that
love-broken again.”

“I’m sorry that
happened to you,” Owen said. The sincerity in his eyes caused her heart to take
a hard yet hopeful leap forward. In that moment, he seemed very much like the
old Owen. The Owen she’d had before she messed everything up.

“But?” she made
herself ask even though she was afraid of whatever was coming next.

“Marci, I’ll
never stop loving you, but I mean, I don’t know if that’s a good thing.”

She staggered
toward the couch and had a seat on the arm. She felt that familiar aching at
the back of her throat.
That old familiar sting.
She’d
known it could go this way but had hoped it wouldn’t.

“I wonder,”
Owen said. “Would you be here if I weren’t going to marry Kristin and if I
weren’t about to move to New York?”

“What do you
mean?”

“Girls like
you, Marci, they like the chase. How do I know that you won’t run off again after
you catch me?”

Marci shook her
head and stood. “I knew this was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come here.” She
stumbled toward the door. “I’m sorry,” she said as she focused on making it to
the door without falling over her own two feet. “It was wrong of me to come
here.” She turned to face him after opening the door. “I know I’m going to
regret screwing up my chance with you for the rest of my life. It’s the biggest
mistake I’ve ever made, and somehow I think it’s the biggest one I ever will
make.” With that, she closed the door behind her and took off down the hall.

#

Marci couldn’t
face going straight home after her disastrous visit with Owen. She drove down
various back roads through the West End of Richmond with no clue where they
led.
Just aimlessly wandering around somewhere in the
vicinity of the University of Richmond.
She didn’t care where she went.
She just had to keep moving.

What had she
expected really? After the way she treated him, she shouldn’t have expected
more than having her confession of love thrown back in her face. And she
deserved it, really.

It was a
beautiful spring day. Lush green leaves were thick on the trees that lined both
sides of the road. The leaves were thriving thanks to plenty of rain lately.
The afternoon was warm enough to put the windows down but not so hot that she
needed the A/C. A gold sun burned in the late afternoon sky. The scenery
surrounding her was much too beautiful to match the dark, heavy thoughts rampaging
through her mind. All the chances she’d had to get it right, and she’d thrown
away each and every one of them.

She dreaded the
idea of going home and finding Ronnie there. Of Ronnie, all hopeful, asking how
it went. Of having to relive the whole thing as she explained to Ronnie how
she’d crashed and burned.

Maybe she would
just keep driving. Drive all the way to California. Why not? The semester was
over now. By the time she got back to Virginia, Owen would be long gone. Hell,
by Monday, Owen would be long gone.

See? She’d
tried to tell herself love wasn’t worth it. Except it was. She realized that
some of the happiest moments of her life had involved Owen.
A
soft shock to her sharp side.
Just those few short months with him had
changed her. He’d crashed into her life and improved it against her will. And then
there was Thanksgiving. How many times had he come through for her?

No matter what,
she was glad he knew. Even if it hadn’t turned out the way she wanted it to, he
at least knew she had a heart under all the layers of sneering at love and
pretending not to care. She couldn’t bring herself to regret letting him know
that.
After all he’d done for her
,
he
deserved to know that
. She’d meant it when she told him he was one of
the good ones.
One of the best.
And truthfully, he
deserved better than her. The problem was, he deserved better than Kristin,
too.

But she knew
she couldn’t drive all the way to California that day. Eventually, she was
going to have to head back to the apartment. Face real life. Might as well get
it over with.

When Marci
pulled onto her street, she stopped her car in the middle of the road. Owen’s
jeep was parked across from her building. He sat on the hood of it with his
perfect arms crossed over his chest in the early evening twilight.