So Totally (15 page)

“I think I’m in love with your hair,” he said.

“Oh really?” Well, that was a step in the right direction, anyway.

“There is red. And copper. This one is almost blonde—like the inside of a nectarine…”

“I’m a virgin.” Nice segue, huh? I thought so too.

“I wonder why orange is a color and a fruit, peach is a color and fruit, but nectarine isn’t a color. Just a fruit.”

Oh jeez. “That’s your answer? I tell you I’m a virgin and you talk about nectarines?”

“I’m working on a better response.”

“Work harder.”

“You caught me a little off guard. I’m not sure what to say.”

“This night isn’t really working out the way I planned it,” I said on a sigh.

Nate kissed the top of my head. “I’m um…honored that you want me to be your first.”

“That sounds like one of those statements that get followed by ‘but.’”

“But…where is this sudden carpe dieming coming from? Are you feeling pressured or something? Have I made you feel that way?”

“No.”

“Then where is this coming from? It’s not like we’ve even officially rounded second base yet.”

“God, that is so lame. I can’t believe they still call them bases in 2011.” I shook my head. Back on track, Carri. “I don’t want to end up a time tourist in another decade and know that we didn’t and wishing that we would have.”

He nudged me up so we could look at each other. “Why haven’t you done it before now?”

“Can we go back to you closing your eyes through this conversation? It would be easier for me.”

“Sorry, but no.”

“I’ve never been close enough to a guy to…do it. Until now.”

He held my face in his hands and with each second that passed, my longing for him grew. My poor heart performed Olympic-worthy triple Axels, and every breath threatened to explode my chest. Something that felt like a storm was building between us and the anticipation practically had teeth.

“You are so beautiful.”

I closed my eyes and he placed feathery kisses on my eyelids.

“I don’t understand what you see when you look at me,” he continued, “but it makes me want to
be
that guy.” He tilted my head and kissed my neck. “I think about what it will be like to make love to you and it makes me crazy I want you so bad. And to know that I’ll be your first…”

Then he groaned, and his hot breath was so close to my ear that I knew for sure I was melting. “There is another ‘but’ coming, isn’t there?”

“But…” He pulled back but wrapped my hair around his hands. “I think it’s too soon for us.”

Oh, lovely. Isn’t that what every girl wants to hear when she offers up her virginity? I didn’t have the luxury of pulling back since he had me by my hair. “Could you please let go of me?”

He retracted his hands and held them out in mock surrender.

“Thanks.” I felt worse than stupid. Reject with a capital
R
.

“Could you at least hear me out?” he asked.

I sat back, retreating into the corner of the love seat as much as physically possible.

“Look at you. You’re so unsure of me that you’re trying to get as far away from me as you can.” He pushed off the couch and crossed the small room. “That’s why we aren’t ready. You don’t trust me.”

I balked. “I trust you!”

“Really? You think I’m rejecting you right now. You aren’t comfortable enough to talk to me about things that matter unless my eyes are closed. And you obviously didn’t trust me enough to let me in on this decision of yours until it worked out just right for you.”

“I’m trying to throw myself at you. I didn’t realize that you wouldn’t want to catch me.” I unfolded myself from the corner and stood up. “Most guys would be happy that their girlfriend took the first step.”

“I don’t want you to throw yourself at me, Carrington.”

“Obviously.”

“You honestly think I don’t want you?” He stalked across the room, pushing me toward the other side of the room without touching me. “I’ll show you how much I don’t want you.”

He pinned me to the door and kissed me so hard I forgot to breathe. Who cared about breathing? Remember how I talked about how he could make me forget about all the crazy stuff whirling around my head—how I felt myself at rest when I looked into his eyes? Yeah, well, take that all back.

Chaos slammed into me in direct proportion to the punishment of the doorknob pushing into my back. A riptide of emotions I’d never experienced before threatened to pull me down and all I could do was clutch Nate and hope for the best.

He kissed me ferociously. And I met him with a fierceness I didn’t know I possessed. His tongue was in my mouth, his hand in my shirt, and I ground myself into him with a passion that surprised us both. My skin was on fire. I needed to get closer to him; I couldn’t get close enough.

He groaned and I mewed my response. I stopped caring about how many other girls came before me or how many guys hadn’t come before him. Every place he wasn’t touching me ached with the longing for it.

So imagine how happy I was when he ripped himself away from me and swore. “Dammit.”

Our chests heaved, trying to make up for the oxygen deprivation. “Nate…”

He raised his hands in front of him. “Give me a minute.”

He retreated to the bathroom and I heard the faucet running. I rubbed the tender spot where I’d been impaled by the doorknob and ambled over to the minifridge. I pulled out a Coke and held it unopened to my temple. I’m pretty sure it sizzled when it touched my skin.

When he returned from the bathroom, I asked him, “Want one?”

He nodded, so I got a New Coke out and tossed it to him. He opened it and drank the whole thing at once.

Let me tell you, passion is parching.

I rubbed my bruised back.

He widened his eyes and anger flashed across his features. “Did I hurt you?” He rushed to my side, concern shining in his gaze, his hand tender over mine.

“It’s fine.” The tide pulled again. I knew we needed to talk, but with him being inches away and his hand on my back, all I wanted to do was sink back into him.

This time when he kissed me it was gentle and sweet. It felt like he’d brought me to a boil a few minutes ago, and now he was stirring gently. Every hormone, nerve, every cell in my body belonged to Nate. I hoped he’d take better care of me than I was doing for myself.

He pulled away like it was painful. “Let’s talk, okay?” We held hands and walked back to the love seat. “I’m not a virgin,” he said after we’d settled again.

“Duh.”

“I’m just trying to keep everything honest and in the open. Does it bother you that I’ve been with other girls?”

“No, Nate, it makes me happy like when I think of puppies and rainbows. Of course it bothers me. Does it bother you that I haven’t been with anyone?”

“It’s a little daunting.”

“It isn’t every guy’s fantasy, then?”

“Oh, it’s hot, don’t get me wrong.” He smirked at the blush creeping across my face. “But it means something. You know, to be your first. It’s an awesome honor, but it’s a responsibility too. And it’s us. Sometimes I think that
this
is too big for a couple of kids still in high school, you know? We should be going for pizza and worrying about geometry tests, not trying to cram as much relationship as we can into a window of opportunity that could close at any time.”

Which was exactly why I wanted to use the time wisely. “Nate, tomorrow might be twenty-five years from now. What if our window closes?”

“I’m not saying we’ll never have sex. Please shoot me if I ever say that—I just think…not yet.”

“When do you think, then?” I asked because for someone bent on waiting, his fingers were roaming a lot.

“When you aren’t afraid that I’m rejecting you every time I don’t agree with you. When I’m allowed to look at your face when we talk about sex. Maybe sometime after I steal second and lead off towards third.”

“Oh that’s so cute.” I stuck my finger in my mouth like I was gagging.

“Are you…er…on the pill?”

“Um, no. I assumed we’d use condoms.”

“Did you bring any?”

What do they print on your headstone if you die of mortification? “No. I assumed you had some.”

“New mandate: we can’t have sex until you’re not too shy to buy condoms.”

“I hope you know what you’ve just sentenced yourself to.” I will surely
never
be able to do that.

“We need to be extra careful.” His fingers stopped roving, and I felt the sharp blade of serious cut into his tone. “I can’t even—if you got pregnant…”

Whoa. Good point. What if I had a baby and I poofed? Obviously, I should plan on never having babies. That would be so unfair to leave a child behind. Which made me wonder what my mom must be going through in 2011.

The candles cast eerie shadows on the wall, and the marrow in my bones chilled. I shouldn’t be allowed to get close to anyone. I was a walking heartbreak in acid-washed denim and a Hypercolor t-shirt. (Which, don’t get me wrong, is a really cool t-shirt that changes color wherever you touch it. I don’t know why they ever went out of style.)

“Hey.” Nate snuggled me closer. “Where’d you just go?”

“The future. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not so bright that I gotta wear shades. It’s bleak and desolate.”

He rearranged us and put a pillow on his lap for me while he asked, “What are you talking about?”

I laid my head on the pillow. “Let’s take a look at my possibilities, shall we? Assuming I’m not irreparably damaging my own future, I could end up returning to 2011 tomorrow. In which case, you and I are dunzo. I could, though, go back at any time. Ten years from now, sixty years from now, or maybe even never. In which case, since I’ll never know, I’ll never give myself permission to plan for a future I may never have. I could waste my whole life waiting for something that never happens.”

“Wow. I guess carpe dieming is a pretty good plan, then.”

I pretended I was going to punch him in the stomach. “It was until my boyfriend shot me down.”

“I didn’t shoot you down.” He played with my hair. “We’re just going to take it slow, no matter how badly you want me.”

I didn’t pretend to punch him that time.

I groaned. “High school is hard enough. But what about real life? I can’t ever get married or have kids or be president of the United States.”

“That’s a shame. You’d be a fantastic president.”

“I could be a professional beach bum.”

“Good plan. What if we just don’t worry about the far-off future for now, until we learn more? We can just take things one day at a time. It’s late. What time do you have to be home?”

“You’re stuck with me. Heather and I are spending the night at Tracy’s.”

He raised his eyebrows. “That Tracy is a bad influence on you.”

“She certainly is,” I agreed while I sat up and maneuvered so that I was sitting on his lap. I hooked my arms around his head. “Heather is picking me up on the corner at ten in the morning.”

“So you’re staying here?” he asked. I nodded. “All night?” I nodded again. The shade of his eyes darkened, giving me a little shiver. “Interesting. You know, just because I’m determined to protect you honor doesn’t mean we can’t get closer.”

He gifted me with the sexiest smile I’d ever seen. He knew how to be a very bad boy.

“I don’t think that Tracy is the only bad influence on me. What do you have in mind?” I asked.

Waggling his brows, he replied, “I have all night to show you.”

N
ATE wasn’t kidding. He definitely spent all night showing me ways we could get closer without getting all-the-way close. And that is all I’m sharing about that.

He made me breakfast (Pop-Tarts), and we sat side by side at the little counter while we ate holding hands. If we were another couple, I would have been disgusted by how lovey-dovey we acted.

At five minutes to ten, we stood at the door kissing and wishing I didn’t have to go.

“I miss you already,” he told me.

I smiled. “I’m still here.”

“Can I tell you something without you feeling guilty?”

“Probably not.”

“I’m always afraid to say goodbye to you. Like it might be the last time I have the chance, and what if I didn’t tell you everything I need to say?”

“Tell me everything now, then.”

He swallowed and looked down. For the first time ever, I think he was nervous. “I already told you I was in love with your hair. Can’t you just take it from there?”

“Hmmm.” I ruffled his hair and fought the urge to squee like a kid at Disneyland. “Sorry, but no.”

“You are a brat.”

“But…?” My breath came in shallow wisps of air.

I think he was memorizing my face. He surveyed my features like he was drawing me on a sketch pad behind his eyes. “But…I love you anyways.”

I couldn’t hide the big, cheesy grin that lifted the corners of my mouth. “That’s so sweet. You are a total ass, but I love you anyways too.”

“It’s like we were made for each other,” he answered drily.

“I better go. Don’t want to keep my mom waiting.”

“One more kiss.”

I was so late. When I finally got out of Nate’s clutches, I snuck down the stairs and slunk through the bushes in order to not be seen by his parents. Talk about a walk of shame.