So Much to Live For (7 page)

D
AWN watched the elevator doors slide open. Beyond them lay the brightly lit corridors of the pediatric oncology floor. The walls were painted a sunny yellow and decorated with life-size drawings of cartoon characters. A nurses’ station formed a hub in the center of the floor and hallways stretched in three different directions. Down one wing, infants and children under age six were treated. Down another, older children and teens roomed. And down the third was the critical care unit. Dawn remembered with a shudder the weeks she’d spent in isolation down that particular corridor.

She passed the activity room and paused at the doorway. Intense Saturday morning sunlight streamed through the wall of windows. Memories of the time she’d spent doing craft projects with Sandy swirled through her mind. Sandy had fashioned a necklace of popcorn and sprinkled it with glitter. Dawn had decorated a drawing of a teddy bear with popped kernels to make it look furry. A popcorn war had broken out, with popcorn flying everywhere. And they had laughed and laughed. Dawn could almost hear their laughter still.

With a sigh, she shoved herself away from the doorway. She was here to visit Marlee, not old memories. The girl had sounded so frightened on the phone the night before. Dawn passed the nurses’ station. Katie wasn’t on duty today, and Dawn didn’t recognize any of the other faces.

Everything changes
, she reminded herself. Dawn found Marlee’s room, squared her shoulders and pushed open the door.

Marlee was in bed watching TV. The room was private, spacious, and sunny. A mauve fabric sofa, chair, and small table in one area made it seem more like a hotel suite than a hospital room. The metal IV stand beside Marlee’s bed was the only thing that made the room look like a hospital room.

“Good morning,” Dawn said. “Are the good guys winning?”

Marlee flipped off the TV with the remote. “You came!” she said. “I’m so glad you came.” Marlee was smiling, but her face looked small and pinched, pale in the bright room. Her tiny body seemed lost on the big bed.

“I told you I’d come.” Dawn dragged a chair beside Marlee’s bed. “Tell me what happened.”

“I started vomiting yesterday morning and couldn’t stop. And I had this terrible stomachache.” She rubbed her tummy under the bedcovers. “Grams called my doctor, and he put me right into the hospital.”

“Maybe it’s the flu. People can catch a flu bug in the summer. Or a leftover from camp food—at least I
think
it was food.” Dawn made a face as she said it.

Marlee refused to smile. “They took a bunch of x-rays last night. They wouldn’t take x-rays for the flu.”

Dawn chewed on her lower lip. “Has your doctor been in to see you yet?”

“No. He said he had to consult with another doctor. You know how it is.”

Dawn knew how it was. In her case, specialists consulted with specialists and decisions were made and medicines were prescribed, and no one ever asked her how she felt about any of it. At one time, there had been six doctors consulting about her treatments.

“So is your grandmother here?”

“Not yet. She wasn’t feeling well when we talked on the phone last night.”

“Well, maybe she’s better this morning,” Dawn offered cheerfully.

Marlee plucked at the sheet. “Yeah. But all this is hard on her heart and all. I wish I hadn’t gotten sick.”

Marlee’s feistiness had gone out of her, and Dawn suddenly missed it. She rose from the chair and made a tour of the room. “I didn’t know this place had such nice rooms. You should see where they stuck me. It was barely bigger than my locker at school. And I had a roommate, too. Her name was Sandy. We were like sisters.”

“I used to wish that I had a sister,” Marlee said shyly. “Sometimes when I was growing up, I’d get so lonely.” She gave a hapless shrug. “And so I thought it would be nice to have a sister. If I ever get married, I’m going to have a whole bunch of kids.”

Marlee’s admission surprised Dawn. She crossed the room to stand by the metal IV apparatus. “At camp you acted like you wanted to be left alone—like you didn’t want to be around the other girls.”

“But I
did
want to. They just really didn’t like me.”

Dawn wanted to remind Marlee that her rudeness had driven the other girls away, but it didn’t seem like good timing. “So is that why you called me last night? Because you’re lonesome?”

Marlee didn’t answer right away. When she did, her voice sounded hesitant. “Because you were nice to me at camp.”

“Nice? I short-sheeted your bed, remember that?”

“You treated me like a regular person. Nobody treats me that way.”

“What about your friends at school?”

“I don’t have any.”

Dawn started to protest, but just then the door swung open and a frail, rail-thin elderly woman entered. Her hair was snowy white and pulled back into a bun. She wore a stylish navy blue suit and walked with the aid of a cane.

“Grams,” Marlee said, brightening. “This is my friend Dawn—you know, from camp?”

“Emily Hodges,” the older woman said while offering a tired-looking smile. Something about her expression warned Dawn that she was upset. She’d seen her own parents’ faces wearing the same look.

“Can I go home?” Marlee asked.

“Not yet. Dr. Davis wants to run some more tests.”

“But I want to go home.”

“I’m having a specialist flown in to check you over,” Grandmother Hodges told her. “She’ll be here Monday morning.”

“But I already have a bunch of doctors.”

“This woman is one of the best in her field.”

“What’s she going to do?”

“Just consult.”

“I don’t want any more operations.”

Grandmother Hodges leaned heavily on her cane. “The doctors make these decisions, not me, dear.”

“Grams, please don’t let them cut on me anymore.” Marlee sounded close to crying.

Grandmother Hodges’s voice sounded quivery as she said, “Now, now, Marlee . . . we have to do what the doctors recommend.”

“That’s why you’re having another specialist come in, isn’t it? They want to cut on me again! What do they want to take out now? My stomach?”

“Please, dear. I–I can’t bear to see you this upset.” Marlee’s grandmother looked so stricken that Dawn wondered if she should call a nurse.

Marlee must have seen it, too, because she hastily said, “It’s all right, Grams. Don’t get worked up. I’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry I can’t spend more time with you, dear. I feel poorly still and my doctor wants me in bed today.” She reached for the call button. “I’ll have one of the nurses come stay with you.”

“That’s okay. I’ll stay with her.” The words were out of Dawn’s mouth before she could stop them.

Grandmother Hodges turned toward Dawn, as if surprised that she was still in the room. “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hate to leave my poor Marlee alone, but I’m not well myself. If I’m feeling better later, I’ll come again this evening.”

“Don’t worry,” Dawn insisted. “We’ll play some board games, watch some TV. We’ll have a good time.”

“You wouldn’t mind staying?” Marlee asked, her expression both frightened and hopeful.

“I’ll just call home and tell my brother to pick me up around six.” Silently, she added,
And call Rhonda and let her know I won’t be at work today.

“I–I’d really like that. You sure it’s no problem for you?”

“Nope,” Dawn said crossing her fingers behind her back. “No problem at all.”

D
AWN and Marlee played Monopoly most of the afternoon, and Dawn learned more about Marlee Hodges in those few hours than she had during the entire week at camp. She learned that Marlee was smart—into the stratosphere smart. She told Dawn, “They wanted me to skip third and fifth grades, but Grams thought it best that I go ahead and go through fifth grade. What a drag
that
was.”

“So you’re starting eighth grade this year?”

“Yeah.” She named one of the area’s most exclusive private schools. “I hope it’s better than my old one.”

“How?”

“I hope the kids are nicer to me.”

“Are you nice to them?”

Marlee jutted her chin. “Of course.”

“Come on, be honest.”

“Well, I try to be, but everybody’s always mean to me.”

“Like how?”

“They’re just not nice, that’s all. Last year, my teacher assigned a group project that I could have done in my sleep, and everybody was so
slow
about it. And I got in a big fight with them, and then they all hated me.” Marlee crossed her arms and flopped back against the pillow. “Nobody understands me.”

“I understand you, and I don’t hate you,” Dawn told her.

“You’re different.”

“No, I’m not. It’s just that when a person acts friendly, it’s easier to like her.”

“Are you saying that I’m unfriendly?”

“Hey, I’m the girl you tried to throw out of her bed at camp, remember? I’d call that pretty unfriendly.”

A sheepish smile appeared on Marlee’s mouth. “I don’t know why I did that,” she admitted. “I didn’t want to come to camp in the first place, and when I walked in the cabin and saw all those welcome signs and flowers, well . . . I hated being there even more.”

“I know.” Dawn’s tone turned matter-of-fact. “You were scared, that’s all.”

“I wasn’t scared—I didn’t want to go.”

Dawn studied Marlee intently. “We’re all scared, Marlee. I didn’t want to go to camp my first time either. I didn’t want to be away from my doctor and my folks. I
was
afraid I’d get sick and embarrass myself in front of all these strangers. The only reason I went is because my friend Sandy said she’d go.”

Marlee wadded the bed linen into her fists, upsetting the Monopoly board. She whispered, “You’re right. I was scared. Just like I’m scared right now. I don’t want any more operations.”

“I hope you don’t have to have any more.”

“Will you keep coming to visit with me until I can go home?”

Marlee’s question made Dawn’s stomach muscles tighten. She disliked the idea of having to come up to the oncology floor on a regular basis. It made her anxious to even think about what Marlee was facing. But when she looked at Marlee and saw the fear and loneliness on her face, she reached out and squeezed Marlee’s arm and said, “I’ll come as often as I can. I promise.”

The next day, Dawn breezed into Marlee’s room holding a large brown paper sack. “How’s it going?”

Marlee looked pale, but when she saw Dawn, she sat straighter in bed and smiled. “I’m still having trouble keeping food down.” She held up her arm with the IV tube running to a plastic bag hanging from the IV stand. “They tell me this stuff’s my dinner, but it sure doesn’t taste much like hamburgers and milkshakes.”

“I know it’s a drag, but hang in there,” Dawn told her as she looked around the room. There were several large bouquets and baskets on the windowsill. Cascades of summer blossoms shimmered in the rays of the afternoon sun. “Wow, I love your flowers.”

“The roses are from Grams, and the others are from some of her friends.” It struck Dawn that there was nothing from Marlee’s friends. When she’d been in the hospital, Rhonda had organized a card-writing campaign, and Dawn had been flooded with cards and gifts.

Dawn touched the velvet pink rose petals. “I love roses.”

“They’re okay.” Marlee said.

Dawn turned back to the bed and on the bedside table saw a silver picture frame.

“Hey, it’s the camp photo!”

“I had Grams bring it last night.”

Dawn picked up the shiny frame, recalling the day by the lake. In the front row, boys were making faces and waving. The familiar grins of the girls in her cabin looked out from one side of the group and far in the back row, she saw Marlee standing stiffly next to Brent. “I thought you hated camp.”

“Just at first. I’ll, uh, probably go back next year.”

“Really?” Dawn gave her a look that was filled with mischief, and Marlee blushed. “Maybe we should send out warning letters: ‘Beware! Marlee’s back.’”

“Don’t tease me.” But Marlee wore a satisfied grin even as she spoke. “What’s in the bag?” she asked, pointing to the sack Dawn still held.

“Oh, nothing much.” Dawn felt self-conscious. After seeing all the beautiful flowers, she realized how stupid her gift would probably seem.

“Let me see.” Marlee looked animated as she grabbed the sack and opened it up. She reached inside and pulled out Mr. Ruggers. “Hey, it’s your teddy bear.”

Dawn felt her neck and cheeks grow warm with color. “I know he’s scruffy-looking, but he’s a good friend. He went through everything with me—my first stay in the hospital, my transplant. I just thought you might like to have him around.” She added hastily, “It’s all right if you don’t. You won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t want me to leave him.”

“You’d let me keep him?”

“Just until you go home. And only if you really want to keep him.”

“Thanks,” Marlee answered with a smile. “I’d love to have him with me.” She tried to straighten his permanently flopped ear. “I’ll keep him here in bed with me.”

They watched a sappy movie on TV and played cards. When Grandmother Hodges arrived after supper, Dawn went to the lobby to wait for Rob to come get her. Dawn worked extra hours at the ice cream parlor Monday afternoon and listened to Rhonda scold her for skipping out on Saturday.

“My uncle was steamed, but I covered for you,” Rhonda insisted. Dawn thanked her and kept busy, grateful for the activity. It kept her mind off Marlee and the upcoming consultation with the new doctor.

When Dawn arrived that evening, Marlee was sitting up in bed, sorting through a stack of novels. “Come in,” Marlee cried, with a smile that lit up her thin face.

“You must have had good news.”

“The best. Dr. Dillard—the special one Grams had brought in on my case—reviewed all my x-rays and tests today. And guess what?”

“You’re really made of cotton candy inside?”

“No, silly. I don’t have to have any more operations!”

“Oh, Marlee, that’s super news! So does that mean you can go home?”

A frown formed on Marlee’s forehead. “No. That’s the only part that’s not good.”

The information puzzled Dawn, too. “Why can’t you leave?”

“Dr. Dillard says that there’s a tumor on my stomach. But since I’ve already had two operations, she won’t operate again. Honestly, Dawn,” Marlee said, leaning forward as if delivering gossip, “surgery is a drag. It takes forever to get over it.”

“No surgery. So now what?”

Marlee flopped back against her pillow. “The usual—radiation.”

“No chemo?”

“Not this time.”

“Then what’s
that
machine doing?”

Dawn pointed to a small mechanical box on a cart parked beside Marlee’s bed. A line ran from it to a vein in her arm.

“That’s a morphine infusion pump,” explained Marlee. “It’s for the pain. When it gets really bad, I can adjust this control—” she pointed, “and presto—instant relief. Boy! Does it ever work.” She rolled her eyes. “I feel good enough to go off the high dive.”

“I could never feel
that
good,” Dawn kidded, and they both laughed.

“So you’ll be here for a while,” Dawn stated.

“I guess. They’re just going to be rolling me down to radiology a couple times a week to shrink this thing. And once it’s shrunk, then I can go home.”

“Is that what they told you?”

“Not exactly.”

For some reason, Dawn felt a coldness creeping up her spine. “Well, what exactly did they tell you?”

“Just about the radiation. I figured the rest out by myself.”

“But for right now, you’re just a guest of the hospital?”

Marlee sighed and made a face. “Yeah. Much as I don’t want to be. Besides, it’s easier on Grams this way. But you’ll keep coming to visit me, won’t you?”

Marlee looked so eager and hopeful that Dawn didn’t have the heart to tell her no. “I’ll play you a game of Monopoly,” Dawn said dragging a chair over.

While Marlee arranged the game board, Dawn thought about all that Marlee had told her. She wasn’t positive she understood the business about “just radiation” for Marlee’s cancer. She made a mental note to have a talk with Katie. If anyone could explain it to her, Katie could.