Smother (34 page)

Scowl in place, he looked down at her. She knew the moment he relented, shoulders loosening and some of the darkness fading from his features. He sat down on the couch and Reese quickly shifted around so that her legs were across his. Hands behind her head, she studied his profile.

Leo rested his palms on her knees, head bowed. “Number one: I had to hide how I felt about you, because if I showed it, even once, I wouldn’t have been able to continue to pretend you didn’t mean everything to me.”

She took a breath of noisy, gasping air, feeling those words all the way down to her toes. “I think I liked it better when you didn’t talk.”

Smile lifting his mouth, he continued. “Number two: I spent hours each day drawing. I wasn’t good at first, but I kept at it until I was. Whenever I could, I was drawing. Focusing on that made it easier to not focus on what my life was like.”

Reese wanted to ask what his life was like, but ground her teeth together to keep from speaking.

“Number three: my mom made the best pancakes.” His fingers began to draw on the fabric of her pants. “None of that boxed stuff. They were homemade. Every Sunday was Pancake Day. I looked forward to eating those as much as anything else.” Leo glanced at her, memories adding a boyish cast to his face that made her heart ache. “Syrup from the tree too. I’ve never had a breakfast yet that could compare to hers.”

She had to look away from the emotion displayed in his eyes or she’d cry. “Number one: I make a mean macaroni and cheese.” Reese swallowed, realizing that probably didn’t make Leo feel better. It was all she could offer him though.

“Number four: Macaroni and cheese sounds good.”

Reese caught the flash of his smile and swung her legs off the couch. She moved to her knees beside him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pressing her forehead to the side of his. She’d gone so long without wanting comfort from others, or to comfort another, that she felt inadequate at it. Leo brought his arm up, his hand holding her to him.

“Number two: I love music,” she confessed. “Number three: my favorite group is presently Vinyl Station. They’re Indie, and I listen to their songs on repeat.”

She pulled away, biting her lower lip. Reese wanted to share something she loved with Leo, but she was fearful of rejection, even in this. “Do you want to hear them?”

“Yes,” he answered simply.

Excited in a way only children should be, Reese rocketed off the couch and into the bedroom. She grabbed their newest CD she owned; The Evening Sin, and her computer. Within moments, the crooning lead singer’s voice washed over them. The song was ‘You Forget.’ She locked eyes with Leo as the lyrics surrounded them. Songs were about interpretation. The songwriter obviously meant the lyrics one way, but to each individual that listened to them, they told a story specifically meant for them.

“I like it,” Leo said when it was over, eyes still on her.

“What about cookies?” she blurted, needing to dispel the tension. Everything about Leo was potent, overwhelming. When he looked at her, it was like seeing into his soul.

“Cookies?”

Reese nodded, already heading for the kitchen. “We can make cookies. I know how to do that. Do you like cookies?”

“Yes,” he answered slowly.

“Good. Let’s do that.” She grabbed a large bowl from a cupboard. “What number are we on?”

“No idea.”

“Let’s just keep going then, okay?” Reese smiled at him. “I like your hugs.”

He touched her cheek. “I like your hugs too.”

She nodded to the refrigerator. “Can you get the eggs? And the butter.”

They spent their first Christmas together baking chocolate chip cookies, revealing sides of themselves neither had previously known, and listening to music. Lunch was cookies and hot chocolate, followed by a supper of pancakes, macaroni and cheese, and popcorn. None of the food was especially good, but Reese didn’t mind. With a half-smile perpetually formed to his lips, Leo didn’t seem too either. As far as traditions went, it was uniquely theirs.

Later in the evening, he took her hand and gently tugged her toward the bedroom. Here, in this room, surrounded by love, she felt special. His eyes never left hers and she couldn’t look away from them. They said so many things—they always had.

Reese’s mouth opened to say words, but the most prominent ones that came to mind were powerful. She swallowed thickly, unable to say them. Not yet, and maybe not ever. Leo slowly raised his head, dark eyes blank in a way that told her he knew, somehow. He knew the words that had struggled forth and been forcefully shoved back.

He placed a calloused finger against her lips. “Don’t need words. I know already.” His fingers moved down her skin, and his eyes shone with appreciation as they met hers. “Didn’t think I’d ever touch anything so precious.”

She cracked inside, shattered, and all the ugliness began to fall away.

Reese gently traced his sharp cheekbones with her fingertips, and then brushed them across his soft mouth. She took her time with him, learning his face like her fingers were a paintbrush bringing his portrait to life. She felt ashamed that she’d ever thought him plain-looking. She wanted more of him, all of him, and when she reached for his shirt, he stopped her hands.

Confused, she lifted her head and looked at him. “What is it? What’s wrong?” If he changed his mind about her, about this, she didn’t think she could bear it.

“No.” He shook his head. “You’re not ready. Not yet. You need to be shown sex isn’t required.” He sat on the bed and took his boots off, reaching for her and pulling her down to lay beside him. “Just going to hold you tonight.”

“Damn it, Leo,” she grumbled, but she wasn’t serious.

Reese put her face against his chest and closed her eyes as he played with the short locks of her hair. Her heart slowed in its beat, her pulse steadied, and the ache dulled as the need was replaced with something else. The stiffness of her body loosened until she was relaxed against him, her form molding to his in a physical connection that was sweet and rare. One that gave instead of taking.

As they lay together, the only noise the sound of their breathing, the feel of his heartbeat against her ear the only movement, light turned to dark as day fell into night. His shirt came off at some point, his jeans as well. Reese kept her shirt on, but took her pants off. She didn’t know if minutes or hours passed, time a blur of feeling instead of thinking.

“Leo?” Drowsiness added huskiness to her voice.

He tightened his arms around her in response.

Reese pushed against his arm and he released her. She rested her forearms on his chest, feeling its warmth and how it lifted and lowered as he breathed. She leaned over him and caught the glow of his eyes. Reese stared down into them, for the first time wanting something with another human being that wasn’t instant gratification followed by lingering remorse. She wanted something good. She could have that with him.

“Why did you leave that day when I told you about my past? I needed you to stay and you left.”

“Do you really want to know?”

“I do.”

He shook his head. “You don’t. Just know that I didn’t want to go.”

She could argue with him, or she could accept his words. She chose to accept them. Reese inhaled softly and pushed her lips to his as she exhaled. Their breaths became one, their lips connected in a simple act that erased the memory of every man’s lips from hers. Leo replaced them all. He slowly slanted his mouth, deepened the kiss. Her stomach was alive with nerves, her body flooded with sensation.

Reese didn’t just feel him—she
lived
him.

Leo leaned up, his fingers threading through her hair to hold her in place as his mouth loved hers. It was poignant, each touch one of slow passion and deeply felt, the kind that steadily burned. It was the most emotional kiss she’d ever had. Leo put all of him into it, so much that there was no denying what he felt for her. Reese didn’t want to shut anything off this time—she wanted to feel it all.

“Have wanted to touch you so badly so many times and knew I couldn’t,” he whispered against her neck.

“Why?”

“If I had, I wouldn’t have been able to let you go.” He pulled her down to him and rested his cheek to hers. The arms that held her were strong, and yet they trembled. “I won’t be able to now, not even if you want me to.”

She whispered, “When I want you to let go, that’s when I need you to hold me the most. Always. Forever.”

He went still, and she replayed her words in her head until she found what would cause that motionlessness to overtake Leo. She closed her eyes and felt herself deflate.
You’re an idiot.
She’d done it again, talked like they were going to have a future.

She pulled away from him, rambling, “I mean—I didn’t . . . not that I mean we’re going to be together forever or anything. I don’t even know what we are. It’s just stupid to assume things.” She tried to laugh, but it fell flat.

His silence was killing her.

Reese needed to get away, retreat. Hide. Sitting up, she hovered on the edge of the bed, ready to race from the room and Leo’s unspoken thoughts. She couldn’t deal with the present quiet, or where her thoughts were leading her, or how vulnerable she felt at the moment, so she reverted to a former variation of her. One she didn’t like, but felt was necessary when her emotions were too easy to see. When she so irrevocably could be hurt and so instead hurt others first.

She stood and ran a hand through her hair, striding in the direction of the door. She was shaking, all of her hot and clammy. “Of course, I’m sure I’ll get bored with you soon anyway. Celibacy and I really don’t mesh all that well. Ask any guy I’ve ever known.”

Reese was almost to the door when his voice subdued her. “That’s enough, Reese.”

Swallowing around a thick throat, body a trembling mass of raw hope and fear, she went still. She waited as maddeningly slow seconds ticked by. The sheets rustled and the bed shifted. The air behind her warmed with his nearness. One arm wrapped around her midsection, pulling her back to his front. It was both tender and erotic. He held her close, so tightly, and also carefully.

The other arm came up, his hand cupping her jaw so that his thumb brushed across her mouth, his face pressed to the side of her neck. She breathed him in, letting her eyes close as they stood in silence. No words, no motion, just this. He didn’t cage her in, but offered his strength to her.

His voice was a velvet rumble when he finally spoke. “I liked what you said—it just surprised me. I don’t assume to know the future, but I know I want you in mine and I want to be in yours. Did you need me to say that?”

“I . . .” She swallowed and tried again. “I don’t know. I guess. I just . . . I don’t want to say the wrong thing, to assume things that make me look like I care too much, or more than you.”

“Don’t be scared to say what you want.” He kissed the side of her neck, a brush of warmth and softness. “Your comment about sex . . . you still flinch.”

“What?”

“You still flinch sometimes when I move to touch you.”

“Oh,” was her weak response. She was getting better, but that hesitation to be touched by another was still there. It wasn’t on purpose, and it wasn’t personal, but years of reviling touch could not be mended in months. Luckily Leo realized that, because she wasn’t as quick to decipher things, especially about herself.

“It takes time.”

She nodded, unable to speak.

Leo locked his fingers around hers and tugged. “Don’t be ashamed to need it.”

“I’m—” Reese followed him back to the bed, closing her lips around the denial. She did feel ashamed about that. No matter what direction she tried to head, there was always something to slow her down.

She sat on the edge of the bed and touched her forehead. “I just want to be normal,” she quietly said into the dark.

He sat down and moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on her shoulder. “I don’t want you to be. I want you exactly as you are, any way you are.”

“What if I never get to a good place?” It was a fear she had. Maybe she never would get over things, no matter how hard she tried. She’d fight, and lose, and fight, and lose. There was a chance her whole life would be a map of her consistently messing up.

“You’re already heading there. You can do this, in your own way, at your own pace.”

“The fact that you put absolutely no pressure on me over anything puts pressure on me,” she halfway teased.

“I’m in no hurry, Reese. I could hold you forever. We have nothing but time,” he whispered and they resettled in the bed. His arms locked around her. “It’s you and me and nothing else matters.”

She smiled against his forearm, loving it when he spoke in complete sentences and realizing how strange it was to get joy from such a small thing. Maybe her perception was simply changing, bettering.

“But sex is important,” she pointed out.

“Yes. Healthy sex. Not sex to prove something, to forget things. There’s a difference.”

“Did you have to learn that too?”

His arms tightened around her. “Yes.”

“Tell me their names so I can hunt them down and cut them.” She was teasing—kind of. She couldn’t stand the thought of another woman touching him, no matter how far in the past it had happened.

“Give me your list first.”

Reese pursed her lips. “Good point.”

Leo’s gruff laughter filled her ears.

She couldn’t forgive those that hurt her, but she could forgive herself, and she was working on it. They only held power over her because she let them. She inhaled deeply, slowly releasing the breath, and let the lasting bad melt away. She would have regrettable days. It was impossible not to fall now and then, to teeter in the direction that promised destruction. It was arrogant to think there wouldn’t be days when she wanted to regress to that little girl. The one that didn’t understand, the one that hurt, the one that wanted to hurt others.

I am not her anymore. I am me. And I will keep trying. Always.

Reese turned on the lamp beside the bed, putting a finger to his mouth when he tried to speak. She pulled the blanket and sheet down to his waist, baring his unclothed chest, arms, and torso. She stared at the black designs that covered his flesh, wondering what state he’d been in to mark his skin in such a way. She placed her palm against his cheek so that her hand hugged his face. Eyes the shade of flint watched her, studying her even as she studied him.