Smoke and Mirrors (29 page)

“About Dad croakin’? After all, you hated his guts.”

“Don’t you
ever
speak to me that way!”

“Now that you’ve found religion again, you want to act like Moses’ right hand man, as if you yourself were given the Ten Commandments to pass along to the people of the world.”

“You can make fun all you want, Brent, but you know right from wrong. I raised you better than this,” she said dryly, although he was certain she’d stopped herself several times from cursing him out. Didn’t matter; what she thought counted most of all.

“Oh, I know what this is about.” He laughed lightly. “Did you get tired of Cecil not working and fooling around you? And then to top it all off, he’s the one that moved out, right? Hmmm, history repeating itself. I bet that must’ve been difficult. You left your son homeless just so that piece of shit could stay in the damn house. He didn’t want me there, and you chose a man that didn’t give a shit about you, over your own son. You didn’t even come to Dad’s funeral, didn’t ask how I was doing…nothing. Quiet as kept, Mama, I didn’t want to come back anyway.” He chewed noisily, grinding the grape to nothing. “But it would’ve been nice if I’d seen you stick up for me for a change.”

“That’s not what happened! You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I do, and that is what pisses you off the most. You’ve done
nothing
but lie to me my entire life. You need some truth serum, and I happen to have a fresh batch, made especially for
you
… All of this happened, another man left you, so you sought God, right? When you can’t find a man to love you, you find yourself a husband in the sky! I got news for you, Mama,” he said, his blood drawing colder. “There
is
no God.” He smiled into the phone and popped another grape into his mouth, chewing it fast, enjoying himself.

“God
is
real. He is the head of my life, and he forgives you, Brent! I’m going to pray for you. I’m going to pray for your soul!” she cried out.

“Will it be
before
or
after
you cash the next check I send you? Listen, Mama, I like to put my cards on the table.” He swallowed and leaned a bit forward. “There is something we’ve yet to address, and since you’ve decided to call me after you knew I didn’t want to talk to you, I’m going to give you
exactly
what you deserve. We both know
what
you did, the lies you told to me, to others and even to yourself… It’s a damn joke, and I’m not entertaining it.”

“Look how you are speaking to me? Look at how you are behaving?! You are demon possessed, Brent!
Demonically
possessed, do you hear me?!”

“Perfect. What else am I? I am glad you can school me on exactly
who
I am when you don’t know much about me at all, never even cared to find out.”

“You were such a good boy, this breaks my heart! You had so much promise when you graduated high school. Why would you do this?! Why would you encourage women to sell their bodies to strange men?!”

“I’m not a little boy anymore, Mama. That’s what you seem to have forgotten. I’m a grown man, a totally different person than you saw many years ago.”

“No, I don’t believe that. I think this is an act, something destructive you’re doing. Regardless of what you say, I do know my own son, and this isn’t you.”

“Mama, let me explain a little something to you.” He scratched the tip of his ear as he prepared to lay her out flat. “…But before I do, I want to tell you that I love you and always will, and that’s just the damn truth.” He leisurely leaned back in his seat and propped his feet up on his desk, crossing his ankles. “Now, please don’t interrupt me, because I don’t want to lose my train of thought.” Plucking another grape from the bowl before him, he popped it in his mouth and continued. “You brought me into the world, and I believe you cared for me, though it was a twisted and misdirected love.” He swallowed the fruit. “Nevertheless, for years, I tried to be a part of your life, fit in with the family I was born into. I attempted to find someone to
really
love me and want me around. Come to find out,
no one
wanted Brent at all. And you know what, Mama? That’s cool, I understand it, shit happens.” He shrugged.

“You are an angry person, taking things out on me that I had nothing to do with.” She said coldly.

“Yeah, whatever. Back to what I was saying,” he dismissed. “I was a mishap. Well, at least on my father’s part. I was born from a woman that was crazy about a man that
wasn’t
crazy about her. That had to be a terrible feeling, Mama. You know, to give love and not receive it back. You thought I’d keep him in the picture, that he’d stay for a baby, but he didn’t. In fact, my existence probably made your fairytale burst into flames.

“So what did he do? He up and left. He didn’t call you. He didn’t stop by. He was done, completely over it. The older I got, the more I looked like him, and the more you hated me and loved me for it.”

“You’re on drugs, aren’t you, Brent?! That is the only way you would say such ridiculous things! You are trying to blame me for the poor choices in life you’ve made. You need to get some help!”

“Mama, look, I’m not a drug user or abuser. You may find me on occasion with a cigarette in my mouth, or a bottle of beer, and I’ll admit to you, a few times a year if I’m at a party with my friends, I might even have a cigar in my hand, but I
dare
you to try to find me getting high…just not my thing. And
nothing
I’ve said is ridiculous. You just can’t handle the truth. All of those years living with you, I loved you so much, was so afraid of hurting your damn feelings and rocking the boat! I walked on eggshells when I should have been trying to call someone to come help me get away from you!!!” he screamed as he seesawed back and forth in his large brown leather chair, fingers digging in his thighs. Fresh angry tears burst forth in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

“You don’t think I recall you sneaking into my goddamn bed when I was little, Mama?!” He laughed manically, then plucked another grape, this time almost squishing it to death in his grip.

He could hear her breathing grow ragged on the other end.

“Yeah…didn’t think I remembered, did
you
?! I told you to stop calling me after our last argument and you’ve gone and done it anyway, so since you’ve opened this damn door, I’m just going to walk on through! Here’s what you did—you’d kiss all over me, and your face would be all wet from crying tears over a man that didn’t love you.” His heart began to pound as he relived the revolting moment. “You’d snuggle close, your long, red hair draping all over my little damn face, but not how a mother does a son, no, it wasn’t that sort of embrace at all. It was more like how two people gravitate towards one another, draw in to one another, you know, right before they get ready to
fuck
.”

“Just stop it! Stop it! These are all lies! Why would you want to hurt me like this?! Make up these things?!”

“Mama, Mama….” He smiled and shook his head, his heart swelling with hatred and breaking all at once. “I’m not trying to hurt you, baby.” His eyes narrowed as he sucked his bottom lip for a second or two. “I like how you talk now; it is so much different than when you were raising me. It’s real polite, almost sweet. It’s one of your many characters, like a movie role…” He shook his head. “You see, Mama, after all of these years, I
finally
told someone else what happened to me, told ’er what you did to me. I told a woman that I care about a great deal, because it was important to her. Before that, it all stayed in my mind…festering. I’d never confronted you about this because well,” he said with a shrug, “I pushed it out of my mind for years, treated it as if it had never happened. It was such a fucked up thing, I had somehow separated it from my own memory…but
believe
me, I recall—Every. Damn. Detail. Now that I’m older, I can make sense of it all.”

“Nothing you’re saying makes sense! I never did
anything
like that to you!”

But he went right on, ignoring her. The truth was now out of the bag, and she was going to take what he was serving, whether she ordered it or not.

“You missed Dad so much, you tried to turn
me
into him. You didn’t want me to leave, and you knew that was what I was gearing up for, so you lied about him and covered your tracks. Now, trust and believe…” He smiled. “I know that man was no angel, either. Matter of fact, in some ways, he was the true demon that you keep talking about. But one thing I can say about Dad though, Mama, is that he
never
lied to me. Everything he told me was God’s honest truth; some of it I was even able to later verify with backed up facts, versus my own intuition. It’s amazing what you can find lying about the house when someone dies…like letters from my mother to my father, telling him she wanted X amount of dollars for him to have me and that he better stop calling to speak to his son or she’d get her number changed
again
…”

“How
dare
you make him out to be some saint when
he
is the one that taught you this sinful, evil mess! I know all about your father’s life now, Brent! You only know what he
wanted
you to see! He was a whoremonger, just like you! He took drugs, drank like a fish and there is no telling what else he was teaching you!”

“Mama, see that’s where you’re wrong. Dad
didn’t
teach me how to do this. He refused, actually. Now, he
did
some other shit to test me, to see if I was roadworthy at the time, and it looks as if I didn’t impress him enough in order to get my Y.P.I.T. card.”

“Y.P.I.T. card?”

“Yeah.” He smirked. “Young pimp in training.”

He wished he could see her expression right then.

“Mama, this is who I am,” he said solemnly. “I’ve been doing it so long now, I couldn’t do anything else if I tried. I’m in love with the lifestyle and that’s all there is to it.”

“Your father did this. I don’t care what you say, Brent.” She seethed. “And he will pay for it, even after death.”

“In a way, you’re right. Did you know his grandparents raised him? I imagine you did. His mother abandoned the family, ran off with some other man, and then his father left, too. He didn’t exactly have it easy now, did he? Did you know his grandfather was a damn pimp, too?! The tall, albino guy? I saw my great grandfather in a photo album of his after Dad died. What a strange looking man, very pale skin and white hair, with the oddest light blue eyes…just like mine. But it didn’t stop him from being business savvy, now did it? He was a pimp at a young age during the damn 1950s! Nothing like some illegal activities and sordid sex to put a smile on your face!” He laughed boisterously.

“…Yes, I knew your father’s family. Of course I knew what he’d been born into, but that wasn’t until
after
we were married.” She said it as if had she known, she’d have never let her ex-husband touch her with a ten foot pole. But Smoke knew better; if his father had of been the Devil himself, she still would have allowed the fucker inside of her heart and body, without a blink of an eye…

“When you rent out rooms in your house to whores and johns and then demand payment from the tricks afterward, that’s some pimping in ya life!” He grinned. “I know Dad told you, Mama. He was proud of it! Come on now, be a realist! This way of life is a tradition.” He lightly slapped his leg as he continued to swivel. “Have no worries. I don’t wear bright, gaudy clothes, hats with fur or big ass rings. No, I keep my shit tight, Mama. No one can look at me and tell me what I’m doing.” He bent far back, causing his seat to squeak as he rested easy on his laurels. “On top of that, I have some legit enterprises. I’m not as dumb as you thought I was!” He tasted her hurt through the phone, and kind of liked the flavor.

“The things…you’ve said to me tonight… The things you’ve
done
sicken me, Brent. You have no remorse. You’ve lied on me and to me!”

“Mama, I have to go.” He rolled his eyes. “I hate to cut this riveting phone call short, but I have some women that need my attention. Now, as I do every month, I will send you a check. If you need more than that, I’m sure you’ll let me know.” He waited for the woman to tell him she didn’t want his sinful money, that God would toss his wealth in the raging river along with his very soul, but he heard no such thing and didn’t expect to.

“Brent, before you hang up this phone, you hear me and you hear me good.” Her tone turned threatening, just like how he recalled as a little boy. “One day, I will be dead and gone, and you will realize when it is far too late, the harm you’ve caused me by your choices. One day, you won’t
ever
get to speak to me again, or see me. I wanted so much for you, and this is what you do. By the time you wise up, you’ll be dead or in prison, just mark my words…you disgust me!”

“Mama, now see.” He ran his hand over his forehead as he fought a budding vexation, and closed his eyes. “Your inability to accept who you are is what
sickens
me. I didn’t tell you about my profession because you never asked. Let me put this mirror up to your own goddamn face! You’re a con artist, and you pimped my emotions and manipulated me, okay? You’re so fucked up, you probably believe this bullshit you’re saying to me right now. You did shit to me that shouldn’t have happened, and I loved you in spite of it so
don’t
go judging me, waving your Bible in my face! Daughter of a Preacher man! Where in the Bible does it state you can try to screw your own son, huh?! Surely there has to be a passage in that thing about lying, making me touch your body and kiss you in the same place you pushed me out of! Yeeesss! Let’s talk about who is truly disgusted, Mama!”

“How dare you?! Filth! Nothing but filth coming out of your mouth!”

“Why don’t you quote me
those
scriptures, Mama? Huh, what’s wrong?! God got your tongue?! He put you on mute? No worries. I’m patient. Go ahead and read it from King James atop a mountain! I’ll wait, goddamn it!!!”