Sloane (30 page)

“Well…” I twisted my hands together. “The thing is, I
guess I just assumed that. She was talking about it a lot. She
would go on and on about how to figure if she was fertile and
stuff. But after a while, I started changing the subject and tuning
her out.” I sat down in one of the chairs on the porch. “I guess it
just too painful for me. Here she was married and trying to have a
baby, and I’d never really had a boyfriend. I was jealous.”

He eyed me. “I never knew you felt that way.”

“I don’t know if
I
knew,” I said. “I wouldn’t
really admit it to myself.”

He peered down over the city. “So, what you’re saying
is that she probably wasn’t ever really that excited about it.”

“I really don’t know.”

Griffin tucked his head against his chest.

And then I realized he was fighting tears, and I
suddenly felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. I wasn’t really good
with guys crying. Griffin and I were friends and all, but…

I got up and went to him. Awkwardly, I patted his
back.

He sucked in breath. “Sorry,” he said, and his voice
was thick.

“It’s okay,” I said.

He shook his head. “I just… I’m really tired. It’s
making me…”

“You don’t have to explain.”

We were both quiet.

“So, you want babies a lot, huh?” I said.

He looked at me. “You know, I didn’t really used to.
But after we lost… Leigh and I were pregnant twice. And they’re
both gone. And… I don’t know, sometimes I think about it, and it
just hurts. The fucked up thing is that I don’t even know if it
hurts her.” He wiped at one of his eyes.

I patted his back again. I didn’t know what to
say.

“I guess I keep thinking that it would hurt less if
we had a baby that we didn’t… that lived.” He swallowed. “But
that’s probably not even true. It would probably still hurt.”

I still didn’t know what to say. I had never thought
far enough into the future to think about having children myself,
and all I knew about the subject now was that I was incredibly not
ready to think about it. I took a deep breath. “You know, you guys
are still young.”

He let go of the railing and backed up. “Look, never
mind. I shouldn’t even be—”

“I’m not saying that because I’m trying to downplay
what you’re feeling,” I said. “It’s only that, maybe, because of
the fact that you had those two experiences, you both started
thinking about babies. And that’s sooner than you would have if it
hadn’t ever happened.”

He rubbed the top of his head. “Maybe.” He swallowed.
“Doesn’t matter, though. She doesn’t want to do it.”

“I don’t know if that’s true,” I said. “It’s not like
she doesn’t like babies. I know that when I was paying attention to
her, she really did seem excited about the idea of being a mom. But
you guys are… what? She’s twenty-four, and you’re twenty-six? You
have a lot of time. Even she isn’t ready right now—”

“It’s not about timing.” He drew in a shaky breath.
“She’s afraid of it. She’s terrified of being pregnant. And if we
wait, and she never gets over that, and I spend half my life
waiting to see if she will, and she still says no…” He gripped the
railing again, leaving the thought unfinished.

“Oh,” I said. “It’s that important to you.”

“Yeah.”

We were quiet again.

What did this mean? Were Griffin and Leigh going to
get divorced or something now? Was this all it took to end a
relationship? But the two of them were so in love. They were
devoted to each other. They couldn’t let something like this end
everything.

Now I felt really bad for going off on Leigh about
how her marriage wasn’t perfect. If I’d known things were this bad,
I never would have said those things.

Griffin straightened again. He gave me a tentative
smile. “Sorry. I know there’s nothing you can say.”

“I wish there was.” I held out my arms. “How about a
hug?”

His smile widened. He nodded.

I squeezed him as hard as I could. And then we
released.

Griffin rubbed his eyes again. He turned away from
me. He cleared his throat. “Enough about me. What are you doing out
here? What did you need space for?”

I rubbed my elbows. “Oh, it’s nothing.” It certainly
wasn’t as big of a deal as what he was going through.

“Come on.” He looked back, trying to smile again.
“Distract me, here.”

“Uh…” I laughed a little. “It’s just Axel, I
guess.”

“Oh, yeah, why was he even there?”

“He, um, he helped me get you guys out. I was alone
and… Well, stuff happened with us.”

Griffin’s eyebrows shot up. “You have got to be
kidding me. You and
Axel?
What the fuck?”

I sighed. “And that’s everyone’s reaction.”

“Well, because the guy’s a total douchebag.”

“He’s not,” I said. “I mean… okay, he has his faults,
but he had a weird childhood, and he has a bad relationship with
his father and—”

“Fuck that,” said Griffin. He pointed at himself. “My
dad died when I was a kid. And then I was put in adult prison as a
teenager and brutally gang-raped hundreds of times, and
then
I was forced to be an assassin against my will. I don’t think the
argument of having a hard time in the past really holds water. I
seemed to manage to get through all of that without being a huge
dick.”

“Never mind,” I said. “I’ll just let you have some
time, okay?” I started for the door.

Griffin stopped me. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to chase
you off.”

“It’s really okay.”

“No, you can talk to me. I shouldn’t have gone off
like that.”

I hesitated. “It’s only that everyone hates him.
Leigh. You. Silas. And he doesn’t have a good history in terms of
being a nice guy. So, I know I shouldn’t be in love with him, but…”
I shrugged helplessly.

“In
love?
” Griffin made a face.

“Right,” I said. “I get it. You think I should leave
and forget all about him. But you and Leigh are all tied up with
these baby issues. And Silas and Christa are in Texas. I’m all
alone, Griffin. I’ve been alone for a while. When I’m with him, I
don’t feel alone at all. And it matters to him that I’m around.
It’s not like with the rest of you guys, where I’m always in the
background, but I’m not important.”

“Sloane, of course you’re important,” said
Griffin.

I sighed again.

“Look, I can’t tell you what to do with your life,”
he said. “If you want to take a chance on somebody like Axel, I’m
not going to stop you. But I think I’d be a bad friend if I didn’t
tell you that I don’t like the guy, and I think you’d be making a
big mistake.”

My eyes filled with tears. “Right. Of course.”

* * *

Back on the other side of the building, Silas had
returned with lots of beer, and the others were all lounging
around, drinking, and hanging out. I heard the sound of their
laughter before I got there.

But when I entered the room, I realized it was just
Axel and Christa who were laughing. Leigh was sitting by herself,
picking at the label of one of the beer bottles, and Silas was
glaring at Axel.

“Listen,” Axel was saying, “you can definitely wear
black and brown together.”

Christa took a sip of her beer. “No, you can’t. What
are you saying? Everyone knows you can’t do that.”

“It’s all about how you style it,” said Axel.
“Really. If you put it together properly, it all looks fine.”

“You’re a crazy man, that’s what you are.”

“I am Axel Whitman,” he said. “Trust me, you should
let me dress you sometime. I will find an ensemble for you with
black and brown, and you will be astonished.”

Christa snorted. Then she saw me coming into the room
and waved. “There you are, Sloane. Look, your boyfriend is like… I
don’t know, gay or something?”

“You know it’s actually very offensive to homosexual
men to assume that they’re all interested in fashion, because
they’re not,” said Axel. “I know plenty of gay men who are just as
dirty and unwashed and clueless about the way they look as any
straight man. No, I am a person who appreciates the importance of a
good impression, that’s all.” He grinned at me.

I was still reeling from the fact that Christa had
said the b-word. “He’s not really my boyfriend,” I said.

Axel chuckled. “She’s a challenging one,” he told
Sloane. “I’m crazy about her, and she keeps playing hard to get. It
only makes me want her more.”

Christa giggled. “Oh, God, I was never good at
playing hard to get.” She peered out at Silas. “Right, babe?”

Silas was still glaring at Axel.

She turned back to Axel. “So, I totally slept with
Silas the first night that I met him. I was what you would call
easy, I think.” She drank more beer, still grinning.

I sat down opposite the two of them, next to
Silas.

Silas leaned close. “He’s flirting with her. Your…
whatever-he-is is flirting with
my
girlfriend.”

Axel’s mouth curved into a smile. He winked at me.
“What are you twins whispering about?”

I couldn’t help but smile back at him. Seeing him
made something tighten in my chest. I felt drawn to him. I wondered
if that feeling would ever go away. I turned to Silas. “He’s not
flirting with her.”

Silas’ nostrils flared. “Trust me, I’ve been watching
them for quite a while.”

“That’s not the way he flirts,” I said. “He’s just
being friendly. He wants you guys to like him.”

“How does he flirt, then?”

I giggled, blushing.

“Really,” said Axel. “You two are being really rude.
It must run in your family, Sloane.”

“Hey,” said Silas, his chin jutting out. “You might
want to watch it.”

I laughed. “Jesus, Silas, he’s just…” I got up and
went over to Axel. “
That’s
the way he flirts.”

Axel smiled up at me. “He still hates me, doesn’t
he?”

I bit my lip. “I think so.”

“Hey,” said Silas. “I never said I hated him.” He
looked at Axel pointedly. “I don’t hate you.”

“Good,” said Christa, drinking more beer. “Because I
think Axel’s great.”

And Silas was glaring again.

Axel didn’t seem to mind. He laced his fingers into
mine. “You want a beer, love? Your brother did go out and get quite
a selection.”

I cocked my head. “You gonna get me one?”

He considered, and then he vaulted off the couch.
“Absolutely.” He sauntered out of the room and into the
kitchen.

Christa set down her beer. “I think I’m drunk. It’s
probably the painkillers.”

I sat down heavily on the couch.

“Sloane,” said Silas, “if that guy is really your
boyfriend, I don’t know if I can handle that.”

Leigh looked up. “Seriously, Sloane, what are you
doing?”

Christa wrinkled her nose, her gaze darting back and
forth between them. “Why don’t you guys mind your own
business?”

Leigh sighed. “You don’t know him, Christa.”

Axel cleared his throat as he came back in with a
beer for me. “You are all aware of the fact that I can hear you,
right?”

Leigh and Silas both stared down at the floor.

He laughed to himself. “Well, Sloane, here’s your
beer. I think I’ll find somewhere else to hang out.”

“No!” said Christa. “I don’t want you to leave.”

I stood up. “Wait.”

He held up a hand. “Trust me. It’s fine.” He left the
room.

I started after him, but Leigh got up and blocked my
path. “Let him go. We should all get packed and try to get a plane
out of here as soon as possible anyway. We’ve imposed on him
enough.”

“But I need to—”

“I’ll
go talk to him,” she said, and she
disappeared the same way he’d gone.

LEIGH

“Axel,” I called.

He was standing in front of the elevator in the
hallway between the apartments on this level. He turned at the
sound of my voice.

I hurried over to him. “Talk to me. What’s your deal
with Sloane?”

“Seems to me like you already have your mind made up
about me, Leigh.” He hit the button on the elevator. “And you’re
determined to make up her mind too.”

I caught him by the shoulder. “You told her you loved
her?”

He shook me off, his face stone. “Why are you even
talking to me? We’re not friends anymore, are we?”

“Why would you say that to her?” I crossed my arms
over my chest. “Why her, Axel? There are zillions of girls in this
city, all of them willing to sleep with you. Why pick my best
friend? Why lie to her about your feelings?”

“Oh,
she’s
your best friend,” he said. “Well,
good to know that you’ve had such an easy time moving on and
leaving me behind.” The elevator doors opened, and he got
inside.

I went after him. “I’ve known you for a long time,
Axel, and you’ve never, ever loved anyone. Not even your
family.”

He shut his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was quiet
and trembling—barely controlled. “Get out of the elevator,
Leigh.”

I put my hands on my hips. “No. You’re going to
explain this to me. You’ve been a jackass one too many times, and
now you’re messing with Sloane, and I don’t like it.”

Axel clenched his hands into fists. He stalked out of
the elevator.

I went after him. “You can’t run away from me.”

He walked faster.

I picked up my pace. I managed to get in front of
him. I walked backwards as I spoke. “Explain it to me, Axel.
Explain to me why you’d do this to her.”

He turned and walked the other direction.

“Axel!” I scrambled after him.

Suddenly, he stopped. He turned on his heel and
glared at me. His face was red. “I used to tell you
everything.”

“So tell me this,” I said.

His voice was rising. “You say that I never loved
anyone, but I loved
you
. You were the only real friend I
ever had.”