Sliding On The Edge (22 page)

“
Is that ‘cause you’re not
human?” His face is inches from mine.

“
Guys make me
sick.”

“
Guys? Or is it just
me?”

“
Both.”

His lips touch mine. I clench my teeth
and try to pull back, but there’s no room for escape. He mashes his
mouth against mine, forcing my head into the metal corner of the
truck.

He eases back, still pinning me
against the door. “Kiss me, Shawna.”

“
Go kiss your girlfriend.
Leave me alone.”

“
I’ve tried leaving you
alone. But for some reason I can’t.” He smiles.

It’s a long, slow smile that has the
pull of a strong undertow. I’m losing my footing, and if I’m not
careful I’ll disappear under its force.

“
I’ve got you tucked under
my heart.”

Then he kisses me. Casey’s lips are
warm and firm against mine. I hear the rush of cool, dark water and
I’m drifting, daydreaming. My arms cling to Magic’s strong neck,
and Casey is riding alongside. His smile reassures me that I’m
going in the right direction.

Up? Down? Forward? Backward?
I don’t know. Magic is saying,
This is the
way, Shawna
. Casey’s smile says,
Listen to him.

Then Casey isn’t pressing against me
anymore. Magic disappears and the water drains away, leaving me
like something washed up at low tide, my back heavy against the
door. I keep my eyes clenched shut and listen as Casey climbs out
the driver’s side and drags my sleeping bag from the back. I hear
the soft thud of it landing on the porch, then the crunch of gravel
under his boots, and the scrape of my door opening.

He touches my arm and I want to let
him, but I still can’t do that. No touching is a rule—my rule. I
jerk away and climb out. Without looking back at him, I run into
the house, letting the door slam behind me. Outside, Casey spins
his truck around and drives away really fast.

The shakes have got me now. I’m
holding on the best I can, but I’ve got to call Mom right away.
I’ve got to get out of here now.

Before I can make it to the phone, Kay
calls from the kitchen. “Shawna?” She pokes her head into the
living room. “What’s wrong?”

Leave me alone
I want to scream, but for some reason I can’t. I
wrap my arms around myself and pin my hands under my armpits. This
way she can’t see me shake.

“
How did you get
home?”

Kenny comes up behind her, and I try
staring him down. I try making him go away, but he’s Kay’s backup
and he’s not going anywhere, not even if I was a pit bull with
rabies.

“
Casey.” It’s not a whisper,
but it’s not full volume either.

Kay steps toward me. I move
back.

“
I want to call my
mom.”

“
Shawna . . .” Kay reaches
out her hand, and then lets it fall to her side. “Use my office
phone.”

The office with its walls of books
feels safe when I close the door and lean against it. There’s too
much in my head, too much swirling inside me for me to pick up the
phone at first. I stand propped against the solid wood and listen
to my breathing, feel the air go in and out of my body.

What if I had to think about breathing
the same way I do to write essays or curry horses? I couldn’t
manage to think about inhaling and exhaling all day and all night
and still do anything else. And right now, I’m having trouble
turning that job back to autopilot. I have to tell myself to
breathe in, breathe out.

What was Casey trying to
prove?
Breathe in.
Why did I let him come so close to me?
Breathe out.
He kissed
me
. Breathe in.
I
kissed him back
. Breathe out. Breathe
in.

I’ve seen enough of what kissing is
all about. I’ve seen the sweethearts come and go. I’ve locked them
out of the only room with a door and a lock—and sat on the linoleum
or in the bathtub or in the shower with towels wrapped around me,
waiting. Breathing in. Breathing out.

I kissed Casey
back.

Sweet River soft.

I can deal with the phone now, and I’d
better get on it. The clock says it’s after nine and Mom’s out and
about by ten. I take the paper with her number out of my pocket and
smooth it on Kay’s desk. I punch in the numbers and wait. One ring.
Two.

“
Hello.”

“
Hi, Mom.”

It’s one beat too long before she
answers. Someone is there with her.

“
Oh, yes. How are
you?”

How am I?
The question hammers the inside of my
skull.

“
Hold on.”

I hear some shuffling and footsteps. A
door closes and her voice comes back on the line. “I didn’t expect
to hear from you tonight, Sweetie. What’s up?”

I had the words ready to say before I
heard her voice, before she answered the phone as Jackie instead of
Mom. But now, my brain is mute. It’s not talking to me, and I’m not
talking to her.

It’s the same as the night Dylan came
on to me. When I unlocked the bathroom door and she hit me and
called me a slut. It was my fault. All mine.

“
Shawna? Why are you
calling? Just to breathe in my ear?”

“
I’m . . . not sure I’m
coming back to Las Vegas.”

“
You little . . . ! You’re
calling me at a time like . . . Never mind. What changed your mind?
Kay?”

“
She—”

“
Why don’t you have her tell
you how much she wanted you in the beginning? How she pushed for me
to have an abortion? Now that you’re all grown up, she’s changed
her tune, right? Well, screw her, and screw you!”

And with a click, Mom’s gone. Jackie’s
in a room someplace with someone, and I’m in a canyon of
books.

Breathing in. Breathing
out.

Chapter 41

Kay

Kay drove back to the ranch from the
hospital and went straight to Kenny’s trailer. She rapped at his
door and it opened before she’d stepped back. “You expecting a
visitor? Or do you stand by that door all night?”

Kenny tucked in his shirt. “A little
of both. How’s Floyd?”

She didn’t need to answer. Her face
gave her away. “Can you come to the house for a cup of coffee?
Floyd sold his ranch without telling us. I wanted to run some ideas
by you, about talking to the new owners. I’m thinking about maybe
making them an offer.”

They walked to the house and Kay
plugged in the coffeemaker. “I saw Victor at the hospital tonight.”
She pulled cookies out of the jar and spread them on a
plate.

“
How’s the boy holding
up?”

“
He’s no boy anymore. Same
age as Nicholas would be. Thirty-five! Can you believe that? He’s
coming over tomorrow to pack whatever he wants from the house. I
thought I’d ask him about the new people. Get a feel for how to
approach them. Or even if there’s a chance they’ll want to sell. I
didn’t want to talk business. I mean, his father . . . it must have
been hard for Victor, even after all these years of Floyd’s
drinking. He doesn’t have any other relatives.”

“
He havin’ a
service?”

“
No. I’ll go to the cemetery
next week and put in some flowers. Floyd will be buried next to
Nell and the kids.” Kay listened to the coffee percolate and
smelled the fresh richness that slowly filled the room. “Nell and
the kids,” she whispered to herself.

Even while Floyd was building the new
house around her, Nell would make fresh coffee every morning about
ten, then she’d lean over the fence and yell, “Kay Stone! It’s
coffee!” And Kay would put down the saddle or hang up the bridle
she’d been polishing, and climb over the fence. Nell started the
tradition of their daily twenty-minutes at her table, exchanging
stories about Nic and Vic, their terrible ten-year-olds who were
always up to some kind of mischief.

How did a person get mud stains out of
white socks after they’d been stashed under a bed for a month? And
did Kay know about the firecrackers? Floyd confiscated a whole shoe
box full.

Floyd and Nell’s Ben, only three,
scooted across the floor after his favorite wind-up toy, while
Darcy, the girl with more curls than a poodle, darted in and out.
Floyd always passed through at least once to get a cup of coffee
before he went back to work on the house.

That last time Kay and Nell sat
together, Floyd was on a ladder, putting the final coat of white
paint on the siding. The next time Kay saw him, his life and his
newly painted house was ashes.

The light on the coffee pot flashed
red. Done.

“
How about the horses? They
part of the deal Floyd made?” Kenny bit into a cookie.

“
Yes. I’ll ask about
including them in my offer.” Kay filled two coffee mugs and sat
across from Kenny. “Shawna’s got one of them looking healthy, and
it might be good for her to have the responsibility of a horse of
her own. What do you think?”

“
Casey tells me she’s over
there with that black one every Sunday. Says she talks to him. Did
you know that?”

Kay laughed. “No. But my apple supply
dwindles more every week. If she’s feeding and talking to a horse,
that’s two things she does that don’t worry me. Everything else has
me walking a narrow ledge.” She warmed her hands against the coffee
mug and stared into the dark brew.

“
Shawna’s at her sleepover,
so keep your fingers crossed. I’m praying this little socializing
will put a chink in that armor of hers. Maybe she’ll start talking
to people and not just that horse.”

“
You going back to see the
doc next week?”

“
We made an appointment, but
I’m not sure Shawna’s going to cooperate. I’m hoping she’ll go
willingly . . . I don’t feel right about forcing her. She’s got to
want to do this.” Her elbows on the table, Kay let her head rest in
both hands. “Still, I’m the adult, and I should decide what’s right
for her.” She looked up. “What should I do?”

“
Take her to the doctor. She
needs more than a sleepover to kick loose from whatever’s wrapped
around her innards.”

“
Maybe I need more help,
too.” She stood and paced between the table and the sink. “I’m in
way over my head.”

“
It seems that way. But you
been there before. Do what you gotta do, and you’ll rise up to the
surface.” He smiled his brown, snaggletooth smile at her. “I’ll
give you a boost if I see you runnin’ out of air.”

Kay gripped his shoulder and he laid
his hand over hers. “What would I do without you, old
man?”

The front door slammed and tires spun
in the dirt. Kay heard a motor revving, and then roaring off down
the road. “Shawna?” She hurried into the living room where her
granddaughter stood, hands shaking, eyes wild. “What’s
wrong?”

Shawna shook her head and folded her
arms across her chest, tucking her hands under her
armpits.

“
How did you get home?” Kay
had a lot more questions to ask. What happened at the sleepover?
What’s wrong with you? Are you sick? Hurt? But fear had the words
trapped below her throat.

“
Casey.” It was a whimper.
The sound of a terrified pup.

Kay wanted more than anything to hold
Shawna close to her, gather her into her arms, and let her know
that she was safe. Kay stepped forward and Shawna retreated,
keeping the same distance between them.

“
I want to call my
mom.”

“
Shawna—” Kay reached out
her hand, then let it fall to her side.
Don’t push her. She may need her mother, no matter what kind
of mother Jackie is. She may need to go home.

Home. That’s what she told
Dr. Lubell. I want to go home. So she did mean Las Vegas, as
opposed to here? She’s asking to call her mother, so maybe I was
right about Vegas, but I’d hoped
. . . .
“Use my office phone.”

Kay waited until Shawna walked into
the office and closed the door, then she turned to face Kenny, who
stood close at her back. “I feel like I can hardly breathe. Like
I’m running out of air.” She fell against his chest and let him
hold her.

Chapter 42

Shawna

After that wonderful conversation with
Jackie, I stretch out on my bed. I’ll stare at the ceiling and wait
for the night to slip away. I’ll take a trip in my mind to clean
out my head, dump Jackie someplace along a roadside, and drive away
without looking back. She’ll disappear—a woman, a figure, a speck,
nothing.

Monster doesn’t take much time coming.
He slides up on the foot of my bed and squats. His greedy eyes take
up most of his face, and he gives me his best pointy-toothed
smile.

“
Get outta here,” I say, but
there’s no power in my voice.

He scoots forward.

“
I told you. Leave me
alone.” I’m not letting him boss me around. He’s a toad, even worse
than that. I look him in the eye. “You’re not even real, you
creep.” But it’s like I don’t have enough energy to make him hear
me. I can hardly hear myself.