Skylarking (15 page)

THIRTY-ONE

H
ARRIET WAS NOT TO BE RELIEVED OF HER MISERY FOR
almost a fortnight. I tried tempting her with walks, and then cake, and then treasures I found washed up on the beach. But she moped around and insisted that she was dying of sadness and that I should leave her be for she was terrible company. I began to agree.

Finally the day came when she smiled again, but it was not me who brought the smile to her face. No, it was McPhail himself who accomplished that feat.

He arrived just before lunch with a great sack slung over his shoulders and called out as he approached. The boys all ran to meet him and gathered around. Emmaline and I had almost finished hanging the washing, and she left the basket behind and skipped over to where they had all congregated.

I held back, for I still keenly felt the shame of McPhail's words down at Blackman's Bay and I'd wanted not to have to see him again for as long as possible. In addition, Albert had joined them all now. I hid myself amongst the flapping washing and hoped that I would get away with watching unseen.

I heard a voice behind me.

‘Who are you hiding from, Kate Gilbert?' It was Harriet.

‘What?' I said, startled, and then softened, for although she was on the mark, I was so glad to see her walking over to me, a half-smile on her face.

‘You appear to be hiding amongst the washing – whoever from?' She raised an eyebrow.

‘No one. I just don't care to race and see whatever it is he has brought in his sack.'

There were shrieks and yells from the children huddled round McPhail, who was holding open the sack.

‘Looks exciting, whatever it is,' said Harriet.

‘Hmmm,' I murmured in the most uninterested way I could muster. I felt her hand in mine.

‘Come on,' she said. ‘I need distracting.'

She pulled me away from the washing, and we met the little group as they came up the hill together. I could not help but wonder what it was she thought might distract her.

She let go of my hand as we neared them, and I dropped back, feigning interest in Edward, who was racing in circles around the group. I grabbed him and gave him a tickle so that I would not have to greet McPhail.

But the boy scrabbled out of my hands and yelled, ‘Crabs! Mr McPhail has crabs for our tea!'

‘Can we see?' said Harriet. ‘Good morning to you, Mr McPhail.'

McPhail met Harriet's eyes. ‘And to you. I trust your ankle is mending well?'

‘Thank you, yes. Will and Harry, go and fetch a tin bucket from the laundry, will you, and we can put the crabs inside.'

‘Wash the soap out first,' I called after them as they scampered up the hill.

It bothered me a little the way Harriet had come home and reclaimed her position of authority – I'd had to take care of all the children while she was off gallivanting in Melbourne. She bossed about the little ones when she chose, but also had been let off many of her duties these past few days while sulking over her broken heart. There had always been something of the princess about her, and usually I found it endearing. Lately, it had become tiresome.

By the time we got up to the verandah, Will and Harry had pulled up a large tin bucket and half filled it with water. McPhail kneeled down beside it and released his hands from around the neck of the sack. He upended the whole thing into the bucket and there was a scrabbling, tinkering sound as the live cargo was dropped into the water.

Albert leaned in over the bucket. ‘Gee, there's some fine ones there,' he said. He was getting nearly as tall as McPhail now and seeing their heads together, examining the crabs, I was filled again with shame and remorse remembering my behaviour with them both.

James drummed his fingers on the edge of the bucket. ‘Which one's the biggest then, eh? He's mine.' Typical of my brother to want to be seen as the bravest. And just as typical the feeling that rose up in me.

‘Only if you catch him first,' I said.

James scoffed at me. ‘You won't put your hands in there. You'll get bit for certain.'

‘No more likely than you,' I said, and there was a general
oooh
from those around us.

‘Right then,' James said. ‘You're on!' He pushed back his sleeves and squared off at me on the other side of the bucket. ‘We'll take a turn each.'

The others moved back, and I kneeled opposite him, my shoulders straight so that I might feel as big as James.

‘I'll even let you take first go – ladies first and all that.' He grinned and winked at Albert.

I narrowed my eyes at my brother. ‘Lucy,' I said, ‘will you count to thirty for me? When you get to the end my time is up.'

Lucy nodded at me.

‘Careful how you go with them,' McPhail said, standing up as though to distance himself from our games. ‘It's more than a nip if he gets you, and your mother won't be pleased if they're spoiled from your play.'

Harriet went to stand beside him. ‘Can I fetch you some tea? I'll let Mrs Gilbert know you're here.'

My indignation was almost complete: Harriet wasn't even intending to stay and see my feat.

‘Thank you,' he said, ‘but wait till she's had her turn if you like. We might need a nurse on hand.'

‘One, two …' Lucy started to count.

I rolled up my sleeve and peered into the bucket; there were at least forty crabs in there. Some were smaller – Mother would surely scoff at their size – though a few, I could see, had shells bigger than my palm. It was one of them I needed.

‘Make sure to grab him at the back, Kate,' Albert said, and James punched him lightly in the arm.

‘I know that,' I said, irritated.

Albert didn't say another word.

I hovered my right hand over the bucket and began to lower it towards a large crab near the top. It was facing away from me, and I could see the two scarlet spots on its back where I needed to try and get my fingers. Just as I touched my forefinger to the top of the water, the crab scuttled to the side and lifted its large pincers. I snatched my hand back.

‘Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen …' Lucy counted on, and the boys laughed.

‘Shush, you lot,' said Harriet. ‘Go on, Kate.'

I pushed my knees in closer to the bucket and tilted forwards. I wanted that one. It had scurried nearer to the edge now and was cornered – exactly where I wanted him. I knew I had to be slow on the approach but quick and decisive when I grabbed so that the other crabs didn't latch onto my hand. I felt my teeth on the edge of my lip as I concentrated.

‘Twenty, twenty-one …'

Down I went, slow and steady. My thumb and forefinger at the ready. Then, quick as a flash, I darted my hand through the water and up and under the soft under-shell of the crab. I flipped him up and his pincers splayed in the air for a moment, but I couldn't get a good grip. He flew over the edge of the bucket and landed on the boards.

The others reared back, squealing, and Mother rushed out.

‘What on earth?' she said as she saw us all there.

‘Crabs,' said McPhail. ‘For your tea.'

She took another look at us all crowded around the bucket and the poor crab scuttling with its pincers out to find a place to hide.

‘Well, thank you,' she said. ‘So they ought be in my kitchen and not out here playing games with all of you. Off you lot go.' She looked down at the escaped crab. ‘McPhail, if you wouldn't mind bringing them in?'

‘Of course,' he said, and bent down and scooped the loose crab up in one move and flipped him back into the bucket.

‘Nearly had him,' he said to me, and I blushed.

James was complaining about not having his turn, and Will and Harry were already planning their own crabbing adventure.

I felt flustered. That I hadn't got the crab, that McPhail's eyes seemed to have already caught on Harriet's again, that I'd been short with Albert when I hadn't meant to be, really. I stood back and wiped my hands on my apron, ignoring James's snide comments as he went off.

McPhail picked up the bucket, and Harriet held open the door for him. He nodded at her, and she smiled and dipped her head in return.

Even though I was distracted, I remember the exchange clearly. And remembered it again, later, when I could bear to. For it was such a small moment, meaningless really, except that it was their last real encounter.

THIRTY-TWO

‘A
LBERT
'
S GROWN QUITE TALL
,
HASN
'
T HE
?' H
ARRIET
didn't look at me as she spoke, just lay back in the sand and stared up at the clouds as I was doing, too.

‘I hadn't noticed.'

‘Surely you had, Kate.' She rolled over, and I could feel her eyes on me. ‘Why, yesterday with the crabs – he is nearly as tall as McPhail.'

I did not like the direction this conversation was taking. I had yet to find the right occasion to tell Harriet about Albert's proposal – I knew I should because we had always shared everything. At first, I'd been too shaken from my scene with McPhail at the hut, and then she had received her own disappointment and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd had a proposal, when she no longer did.

‘Boys grow so fast. James has shot up, too,' I said.

‘So you have noticed?' she said, poking me in the stomach.

‘Not really. Shall we go back?'

Harriet made no signs of moving. ‘Patrick tried to kiss me, you know,' she said out of nowhere.

I sat up and looked at her with surprise. ‘Did you let him?'

‘Only for a moment, hardly at all.'

‘Where?'

‘We were in the garden at Aunt Cecilia's –'

‘No,' I interrupted. ‘On you. Where did he kiss you?'

She laughed. ‘Oh, the neck, my cheek.'

‘That's all?'

‘A little on the lips.'

‘What was it like?'

She rolled onto her back again. ‘Lovely. It tickled a bit. But lovely.'

I thought about my dreams. ‘Why did you not say before?'

She let out a sigh, as if I had asked a boring question. ‘I didn't think you'd be interested. Or understand.'

I looked away, stung by her words. She thought herself so worldly now and considered me young and inexperienced. It did not matter that I was almost as old as she was. She had gone to Melbourne. She had been kissed.

‘And now I shan't be kissed again until I convince Mother and Father to send me back to Melbourne,' she said.

‘Surely we could find you someone on the cape to kiss?'

‘Hardly!' she exclaimed.

‘There's McPhail.'

She scoffed. ‘You think about that often, don't you?' She stretched both arms in the air and then flung them out to her sides, so that her fingers rested near my leg. ‘No, I rather think I'd prefer Albert to kiss me than the fisherman.'

I grew cold and hot at once. I didn't speak.

‘Or
you
could always kiss me, I suppose.' She laughed.

My breath caught, and I coughed.

She ran her fingers up my leg and tickled me. I flinched away.

‘Just for practice, of course,' she said and laughed again, that high, lilting laugh as though it were all such a joke and she could not see that my heart was somersaulting, and I was scarcely comprehending her first comment let alone able to take in her second. Yes – she could kiss Albert. Yes – I could kiss her. My thoughts all spun around and over each other, and my hands went to my heart for I was sure she must see it thudding through my dress.
Be still, Kate. Be still.

I felt her eyes on me now. ‘Goodness, Kate, I was only having a laugh – you look sick!'

‘Albert proposed to me,' I said, not turning around.

Now it was her turn for surprise, and she gasped.

‘When?'

‘When you were away.'

‘And what did you say?' she said, finally.

‘I refused him.'

She was quiet again, as though she were running the past weeks over in her mind, recalibrating them with this new knowledge.

‘You have kept secrets, too, then.'

I thought of the day fishing on the rocks, the ride down to McPhail's, my dreams.

‘I told him no. I didn't think it was important.'

You lie, Kate Gilbert, Oh, how you lie.

‘No,' she said, standing up and brushing the sand from her skirts. ‘No, I suppose it's not.' She started back up to the path, and I followed her, and we didn't speak of it again.

The next afternoon I was taking the scraps out to the goat when I heard Harriet laughing. I stopped and turned towards the sound. She was sitting on the low stone wall near the lighthouse with Albert beside her. They had not noticed me, and so I watched them. Harriet swished her hair in the sun and bent her head in close to his, and she was so radiant, so full of all the attention she was paying him. Albert seemed transfixed; he was laughing, too, and they were sitting so close, so very close, barely a hand span between them.

I must have made a noise, or the intensity of my gaze must have penetrated into their shared consciousness, for they both looked up. There was a second where no one moved or spoke, and I held my breath. Albert's face appeared warm at first but, before my eyes, it grew hard and steely. He moved his hand from where it sat on the stone next to him and let it brush Harriet's, slowly, deliberately, and I saw it; he saw me see it. Harriet did not pull away.

I turned and fled, dropping the bucket behind me with a clank, hearing Harriet call my name as I tore down the hill away from them both. I flew so fast, my tears hot and blinding, that I would have been mown down by Dot and her cart had she not pulled her horse up short and called out.

‘Whoa there, girl,' she said, and I wasn't sure if she meant me or the horse, but the moment of indecision caused me to slow down.

‘Looks as though the devil himself is on your tail, lovey,' she said, peering out from under her wide-brimmed hat.

I stopped next to the buggy, breathing heavily.

‘What's the hurry?' Dot pressed.

I avoided her gaze, looking up at the clouds scudding over the sun, its weak winter light smudged against the sky.

‘Nothing, really.'

‘It's the
really
that does the telling, my dear. Does all the telling.'

I scuffed my boots in the dirt.

‘Whatever it is, dear, it won't feel this bad always, you know. Keep going then, don't stop for me.'

She gently tugged at the reins and started to move off.

‘How long, Dot?' I suddenly called, my lips moving before I even knew what they were saying. ‘How long does it take to not feel like this?'

She pulled up her horse and turned around so she could see me better. ‘Well, everyone's different. But as sure as that sun will set and those waves will keep pounding these cliffs until they turn to sand, as sure as that, the badness you feel in you will pass. You just wait.' And she lifted the reins again and urged her horse on.

I considered the weight in my chest: Albert's and Harriet's heads bent in close together; Harriet's lilting laughter as she soaked up the attention; Albert's eyes as he moved his hand. Oh, how it hurt, so blindingly it hurt.

I walked the track aimlessly all afternoon, and as I walked, I fumed and cried and vowed that when I returned they would not know that I was upset at all. I was determined to lodge the feelings deep down inside me where they could do no more damage. Right down deep. Down so very deep they went, and I promised myself I would not even know they were there. Well, that's what I thought I'd done.